I agree, patriot. And please wait until you are divorced and are recovered from the divorce. People who have been through your ordeal are extremely vulnerable and tend to latch onto the first thing that comes along. And when that rebound relationship fails, the pain is worse than the collapse of the marriage.

Take your time; you won't regret it.

Your stbxw is playing the situation so she can twist the events and timelines to your kids and family hereafter as if YOU were the one that had the affair that ACTUALLY ended the marriage. Despite the facts, she'll forever be able to claim that she was willing reconcile and you weren't willing to give up YOUR affair partner. You do understand that this is precisely why she encouraged you to date....so she could bring you down to her level and then feel better about what she's done.

BIG mistake "dating" prior to divorce. I say...break it off with OW regardless of the whether your wife actually recommits or ends it with OM. Maintain (or reclaim) the moral high ground or suffer the consequences. Your choice.

Mr. Wondering

What Melody said above-wait at least a year or so after the divorce is final and you've had that time to get your head on straight. Your WW doesn't really want you back, she just wants OW gone so she still has YOU as a "backup plan" in case things don't work out with OM. The evidence for this is her ongoing reluctance to get rid of OM.

So, I'm with the others here; end things with OW, go back into a DARK Plan B with your WW, and proceed with D. And give yourself at LEAST a year, preferably two, after the D is final to get your head on straight so you'll be able to make better choices in women when you do go back to dating.

If I were you, I wouldn't even THINK about taking your WW back until she's agreed to total NC with OM, AND has upheld that agreement for at LEAST 3 months. Oh, and you have definite proof of her upholding that agreement (do NOT take the word of a Wayward as worth anything, especially while they're still with the OP).

EDIT: Mr. W also made an EXCELLENT point about why your WW really encouraged you to date; to bring you down to her level and make you look just as bad, or worse, than she does. You lost the moral high ground, and will have to dump OW to get it back.

oh yeah...

Be sure to document breaking it off with OW so that your "story" will be verifiable some day and your x can't twist it.

Something like:

Dear stxw;

Your recent upset about me dating xyz, even though I've only gone out on a few dates with her, our divorce is merely weeks away and you've been encouraging me to date for months and months has me completely shocked and baffled.

That being said, and despite your refusal to immediately and completely end your adulterous relationship with "wombat", I remain your husband, legally and before God today and as such I will respect your wishes. I have called xyz and ended our relationship for good. It was only a couple dates so it wasn't a big deal. It's unfortunate that she maybe had to be hurt (I have no idea how vested she was in our relationship as it really wasn't that significant...yet) if you are requesting this merely in an effort to make yourself feel better about your affair.

So...I'm 100% available for any effort you want to make at reconciliation. I really enjoyed our date last weekend and learning you've come to realize that affairs suck and you can't have a real solid honest relationship with anyone built upon a foundation of lies and deceipt. It just doesn't work. It's NOT to late for us. I believe that we can make it and that it would be the best outcome for you, me AND our children. Our kids at least deserve we extinguish any and all possibilities.

The ball is once again in your court...where do we go from here?

Patriot

P45:

YOu can send the letter to your WW that Mr W proposes.

You can end it with your OW.

But *I* would run from your WW. I would finalize the D so fast it would make WW's head spin.

She may be an interesting woman, but she is hard-headed.

Save yourself.

RUN.

LG

Pat,

I'm not too surprised you're back......even less surprised you are in your OWN affair (and make no bones about it......you are having an affair). If you re-read your original thread, and then go back to your FIRST post on here, maybe you will see just how much in the fog you are in......

You do need to end it with OW and get YOURSELF healthy.......

Did you ever find a job?
Is moving to Mass. still an option??
How are the kids doing and handling this?

{{{{{Pat}}}}}

Not

To those reading along,

Once again we have proof of the MB plans to fight affairs and even more proof that following those plans provides the greatest probability of restoration of a marriage broken by infidelity.

Plan A, meant to be short in duration is an all out, all in, 100% effort to demonstrate the willingness and ability of the betrayed spouse to meet the Emotional Needs of the wayward spouse while addressing complaints about the marriage (getting rid of Love Busters). At the same time, attempts are made to separate the wayward spouse from the affair partner through exposure, negotiations and other things that put pressure on the affair itself to hasten its demise.

When those efforts do not bring an end to the affair, Dr Harley recommends that Plan B used to further the possibility of future reconciliation. Plan B is stop all contact with the wayward spouse and wait for the affair to run its course, which usually results in the natural end of the affair within about 2 years. Waiting beyond two years is not recommended because any affair that lasts longer than two years after exposure and separation is a statistical outlier that may in fact last a lifetime so there is no longer any need for the betrayed spouse to wait for something that is becoming statistically less likely to happen.

Following those two plans results in the best possible chance of ending up back together in a recovered marriage. Deviating from the procedure often results in a situation as we have here before us in this thread. Dating while waiting is NOT part of Plan B and filing for divorce at the request of the wayward spouse is not part of either plan.

All of this is for those reading this thread who are working their own Plan A or trying to decide what to do to try to save their marriage. Now to address the original poster of this thread...

Pat,

You can still perhaps save your relationship with your still wayward wife, if that is what you desire to try to do. If that is your goal, then pick a PLAN and execute that PLAN. Lose the girlfriend, Plan A your butt off for a really short time and try again to negotiate an end to the affair.

OR...

Go into a really dark Plan B where you know nothing of what your wayward wife is doing since you don't have any contact with her and for heaven's sake, don't date her until the affair is over and she expresses interest in reconciliation.

If you are done and no longer want to have a marriage with her, then move on with the divorce, call it a day and be done with it. But I suggest that if you have ANY doubts at all about what to do stop dating until the divorce is over, the ink is dry on the decree and you have some idea of what you are looking for in a possible mate.

The plan you are following is a plan to just about ensure that no matter what happens to the affair and whatever happens to your own life in the near future, you will be dealing with the fallout from this for many many years.

To give you the best chance to save a marriage you can do Plan A and then Plan B. You can even end up in Plan D when you decide you can no longer wait, but plan "Whatever feels good right now" will not solve any problems and will result in a future of uncertainty and regret no matter what happens.

JMO.

Mark

Pat,

So what do YOU want to do?

The road forks right here.

As Yogi once said, "When you come to the fork in the road, take it!"

Pick one so we can all help you achieve your desired goal.

Mark

Funny you said that Mark......I used this as an example to some guys in Divorced who are getting a bit "trigger itchy" while waiting for their final decrees.......

One mess is bad enough, who needs more......

Not

Not4Fun:

Good memory. Yes, I found a job here in Texas. I understand the belief of me having an affair, I will have to agree to disagree on that point. MA. is still an option. I have an offer for a lot more money on the table and this divorce and everything has cost me LOTS! Might have to go back for two years and re-coop some funds. What really sucks about all this is a couple months ago after I filed, I began to feel good. Met Kaylee and we had fun together. I really thought everything was done with my wife, but then she re-opens the wounds.

Now her attorney has asked me for Kaylees name and number as part of some discovery. Told them to go sh*t in a hat. I guess it'll be over soon enough.
I know it seems naive on my part, but I am really blown away by her reaction. Anyway, it will be over soon.

If I'm not mistaken - from h_e's thread, in Texas you can file on grounds of adultery and pay for a discovery. The other person can be forced to come in and testify, deposed, etc. They can get her phone records, finances, etc.

You just dragged this Other Woman into it - and she went willingly when she decided it was ok to 'sleep' (but of course, not have SEX ) with a MARRIED man. SEPARATED IS STILL MARRIED.

You have brought a 4th person into this marriage.

I don't care if you thought you were 'done' with your wife. It isn't a matter of done or not, it is a matter of are you married or not. Relationships while married to someone not your spouse is adultery, there's no agreeing to disagree on it.

You have as poor boundaries as your wife.

You've poopooed your marriage just as much as she does.

You have as little respect for the institution of marriage as she does.

Doesn't matter who did it first, you did it TOO.

....I'm sure your wife felt pretty 'done' with her marriage when she decided to jump in the sack with her other man. What makes you so much better than her?

You're not.

.....I hate this moral relativism. Good is good, bad is bad, adultery is adultery no matter the state of your marriage.

You have made this situation exponentially worse, and you've just drug this girl that you 'care' about into the pig pen that your divorce will be.

I feel for your kids. With two adulterous parents, who will there be to teach them right from wrong? Who will teach them the value of their word? Who will teach them integrity? Who will teach them that when you give your word, it doesn't matter how you 'feel', you honor your vows?

I agree with others. Divorce, no contact, and for the love of your children DON'T DATE!!!! for a few years.

My father was cheated on by 2 wives. After his second he devoted himself to us, the kids. I can't remember him going on a date at all while I was in high school. He seemed pretty happy. After my brother and I graduated - 5-6 years later, THEN he started dating. And he's taken it very slow, I have only ever met 1 of his girlfriends, 10 years later.

He has a full, happy life. He loves his kids and grandbaby, he loves his job, he loves his music. I've never seen him complain, every time I see him he tells me about how happy he is with life, how full it is. If someone else came along for him, she would ADD to his happiness, not create it.

THAT's what it means to be happy in yourself. A spouse is supposed to make us feel in love which increases our happiness, transforms it into joy. They shouldn't be the sole source of our happiness - that comes from within, not someone else.

If you are referring to this ...


... I think he is referring to his date with his wife, not his date with his new girlfriend.

Hey, Pat, I didn't see an answer to this.

Reread with my Literary Comprehension hat on - had to dust it off - I stand corrected.

Still shouldn't be dating... EAs are still A's

Thanks for the advise, but get off the moral high horse. I have not been with my wife in 9 months. Not lived or seen her for two. She spends all her time with OM and in no uncertain terms made it clear she would never come back. Like I said to her, am I suppose to walk around with a black vail over my head and go through some official period of mourning? We've been together for 11 years and I have never done anything that could be construed as cheating. I had my heart ripped out and stepped on, so if I happen to meet someone who makes me feel good.....then good for me. Only problem is I had to tell her today about what happened and she politely told me to go to hell (deserved). The only good advise here is to stay away from women for a while.

Do not assume to pass along your moral turpitude as it pertains to my children. My children know right from wrong and will be raised to respect the institution of marriage. Until you have walked in someone else shoes, do not presume you can make assumption about there morality. It would be a long fall from that perch you set yourself on.

I think it would be more productive for you to learn to abandon your defensiveness. When you disagree with someone's morals, why do you feel such a strong need to defend yourself?

Regardless of the morality involved, this situation is damaging to you.

I ask again, have you had sex with your girlfriend?

Yes I was, but It's over now. I spoke with her today about what happened and it's over. Now I have to feel bad about using her (not intentionally or knowingly) but that is how she feels. She never would have gotten involved with me if she thought I would go back. Now she has to deal with her own morality issues and feeling like she was OW in my marriage. Not fair at all for her Man, I could f-up a two car funeral sometimes.

.....

I've walked in your children's shoes: as the child of an adulterer. It has left me filled with disgust for the whole breed. The only reason I have committed to not follow the same path is because it destroyed that childhood - apparently you want your children to learn the same lessons, the way I did - the hard painful one. And they don't have an honorable father, like I did, to provide some sort of moral compass.

You're not supposed to go through mourning. You're supposed to honor your vow. Until the marriage is dissolved, you gotta make it through the 'for worse'.

How sad - 11 years of faithfulness destroyed with a pile of justification. Your excuses for your affair are just as weak as your wife's.

That's just mean. Please don't run down other people to make yourself feel better. You don't know what other people would do in your situation, any more than they do.

There are plenty of people who have waited for the ink to dry on the divorce papers before starting a new relationship. There are also plenty of people who have lived without sex except within the bonds of marriage.

Then you were lying to all of us when you said:


How can we help you if you do not give us an accurate picture of what was going on?


Having sex is always a serious thing.