Because she WAS an OW. Maybe she'll learn from this though, no dating a married man, no matter the state of the marriage. THIS is why adultery is wrong, because it does nothing but hurt EVERYBODY.

So now, on top of recovery from your wife's affair you're gonna have to work through your own fog.

Only you can make yourself feel bad, patriot. Nobody else can do it to you.

I'm not here to beat you over the head and make you decide what you did was "wrong." I just care that you are vulnerable, you've got one clearly crazy woman screwing your head and your life up (I can tell she's crazy because of her ridiculous double standard in demanding you not have a girlfriend but continuing her adultery). Having sex with another woman made you vulnerable to yet another crazy idiot. You need to have a personal recovery. I don't know what all that entails, but I know that if you are still dating your crazy wife, you haven't recovered.

You hurt yourself by getting involved with this woman. Now you are lashing out at folks here. They aren't making you feel bad. They can't make you feel bad.

But sex under the wrong circumstances can make you feel bad.

Ok, you are both right that it was wrong to get involved. But again, do not put it at the same level as my wife and do not call me immoral. I am running over nobody! But when you assume that you can pass judgement on me without walking in my shoes, I ask you to refrain. Comments are one thing. Opinions are one thing. But speaking in absolutes about my character is another.

Your defensiveness is going to hinder your recovery.

When you disagree with someone's morals, why do you feel such a strong need to defend yourself?

I suggest you put that energy instead into thinking how to take care of yourself, and your children.

Not intentionally, no.

But, you did just say:


So without intending to, you've hurt your girlfriend. I don't know whether you "ran over" her or not.

And do you think this relationship has the potential to hurt your children, as well, however unintentionally? You've never driven this road before ... it's dark and your lights are dim. You've already bumped, if not run over, your girlfriend. What about your children? Are you positive they are safe from fallout from what you did?

And you are still dating your wife, so it seems to me you hold out some hope or expectation of recovery, there. If that recovery does happen, isn't she going to feel some fallout from this, as well?

Pat,

I've been in MrsPat's shoes. I remember.

I had to figure out...had I really been the very best wife I could be? Had I really done all I could?

I'd ask you to ask yourself...because you're the one here, right now...wondering what...having what ifs...

and I remember my DH doing and saying just exactly what you did...me having told him what MrsPat told you...and him having to decide...the what...not the what if.

I do remember.

And he was shocked and angry I wanted the marriage...wanted him...when he'd finally found relief in OW...that clean slate...his turn...more of me just messing with him; so angry, hurt and afraid.

Still comes down to what you choose to do, where the path to your ultimate happiness truly is (as DH put it), and to get there, he had to stop all contact with OW...so he could decide.

MrsPat began treating fantasy as reality...and so did you. You can stop now. You know you are her husband...you're real. No matter the stories you tell yourself, through her words, from her mouth.

Your choice. Based on you.

LA

V, thanks for that.

Pat45, I'm one of the "trigger happy" guys over on the D board that Not2Fun was referring to. All I can say is thanks for posting. I know you came here for some help, but I also know that on some level you knew you were going to get blasted for having a GF while waiting for D process to finalize; you've been around long enough to know that.

However, you came and posted anyway. Now, first, please know that your disclosure of the situation (and the great responses of knowledgeable vets) has given me massive pause to consider and reconsider my situation. You have a mess on your hands and it's no consolation, but you may have saved me and others that same mess; I will personally attempt to apply your lessons to my situation.
Second, from one D-process dude to another: please listen to the vets on this one. I hate it as much as you do. I want someone in my life that can smooth things over. I want a woman around that is pretty to look at, and mirrors back all the affection and admiration and comfort and animal instincts and all that good stuff. It would just make the last year or so vanish in a cloud of smoke, I'm sure of it. But so would a good hit off a crack pipe. And your OW is giving you the same high: it's called dopamine, just in smaller doses. I believe you're driving under the influence, my friend. It pains me to say so, because I'm just another moth circling that fire.

opt

ps: man, this thread exploded- about 15 posts came in while I was constructing this one - if anything no longer applies: my apologies.

My children will never know about her. As for my wife, she is furious. Calls her all kinds of names, wants to track her down etc. She's mad even though we haven't been in the same room for two months. Even though she is entrenched with OM. Even though we have not been together in 8 months. That's a really big piece of cake she is eating.

Not fair to her?? I beg to differ. When you date a married man this is the usual result. She knew what she was getting into. She SHOULD be dealing with the morality of doing a married man. If she doesn't feel bad then she likely doesn't know right from wrong.

Maybe she will use more sense next time. And maybe she will have to learn her lesson by getting hauled into court to testify under oath about your affair with her. That is how we usually do it in Texas.

You think you know that for certain? You've got to be kidding. This is what every unfaithful wife tells herself about her husband and her lover. And she is wrong: he will know. And even before he knows, it affects him.

You think your children won't be affected just because they don't know?


I'm telling you, she is crazy, and you need to Plan B (dark) to protect yourself.

You see, you are offereing your opinion and advise and I have no problem with that. In fact THANKS to all for the good advise.

But when you call me immoral, pass judgement on me and accuse me of being a bad father without knowing me....I have a problem with that. Nough said about it.

Yes, should not have gotten involved with OW. Should have finalized divorce and waited. I was just tired of feeling bad and she is a very decent person who was there more as a friend than lover. She would not have gotten involved if she thought I would ever go back. Believe me, the one who is hurt most here is the one who least deserved it. I learned my lesson and will put it away for a while.

Where's a foghorn when you need it?

You really think your kids will never know? Right cuz psycho xw would NEVER tell. When your kids ask her, the hurt and pain filling her eyes, why their family was destroyed do you really believe she won't throw you under the bus with her? Then they will learn that at this time when their lives were falling apart around them BOTH mommy and daddy were more concerned with their own needs...


You've done wrong. You don't have to compound it with lies and justification

You actions define u as a person . You've hurt a lot of people. Accept that. Apologize to your kids for taking time and effort that should have gone to them and the rebuilding and recovery of your family and giving it to another woman.

Quit the fog talk. Commit to your personal recovery. Build your relationship with your kids. Recover your life. Finalize the devorcw and leave xw to her own personal journey

Couple this with your wife's attorney contacting you about OW and you've got exactly what I was saying earlier. She's documenting your legal adultery for prosterity.

Question...is your divorce filed based upon your wife's adultery?

Because if it is...and you spent the night with her....in some jurisdictions that may be considering a waiver of any claim of adultery and then...on top of that...she can counterclaim for divorce based upon YOUR adultery.

waywards are evil...your stbxw is going to exploit your F'up and shout it from every rooftop in sight. I hope your kids already know everything your wife has done to date as they are going to be made aware of your transgression. Bet on it.

Mr. W

what is that sound??? here

no, it was not filed for adultry. In Texas, they could really care less about adultry unless it involves the kids i.e. they know about it. Right now it's just a matter of getting an equitable split and finishing it.

I am thieving this!!

In Texas they DO care about adultery. The spouse who is in the affair has a disadvantage in the property split. It is taken into great consideration. We have members from Texas who have the affair partners hauled into court to give testimony under oath. hopeeternals H's OW has been subpeonaed to turn over her emails and any other affair correspondence.

What town are you in? Most of Texas is pretty gung ho about this, with the exception of some courts in Austin. The problem with Texans is that they still know right from wrong in most parts.

I just caught this post.

Remember the name not much of your story.

However if you did not do plan B when WW is living with OM leaves me dumbfounded.

You baloney not yet divorced but the marriage was over is just fog speak of a WH.

You have sunk to your WW's level.

Then you start dating WW again without her committing to a recovery program and NC with the OM.

The way you are doing things shows that you only want to pick and choose the MB parts that you like.

That you do not want advice but you want to be told how great your ideas are to face WW's affair.