So this morning I only saw WW for about 5 minutes while we were getting ready for work. She asked me again to put money in her account to cover all the overdrafts caused by me canceling the check that she stole from me. I declined. She then asked me if I would give her money to buy dog food for the neighbors dogs. She is watching them while she stays there. How in the world is it my problem that those dogs don't have food and she doesn't have money to get any. Maybe OM can buy it. Money isn't everything and I wouldn't want WW to stay for it, but I thiink she will realize after she is gone that I go a pretty good job of providing even if I came up short in other areas.

GOOD FOR YOU! Don't give her anything! Teach her a lesson

sot, good work, she needs to feel the brunt of her decisions......
she thinks she will have a better life without you, let her see what it will really be like, lets see if the OM comes to her side and takes care of her needs......that's his job now isn't it? at least in her eyes if she thinks this is her man now......hehe!!!
it will all come crashing down around her soon.........
take care of yourself and your rights and let her take care of herself......
Reality is the only way to see the truth and the fog will lift quickly when her needs aren't being met by OM.......

Tough situation you are going through SOT. One thing that gets me...the 'hugs' and kisses she is giving to you. Mine has NO affection whatsoever towards me. Not sure what that means in your case, but very interesting.

Like everything else in life, I learn from different sources and take bits and pieces from all. So, I am listening here and using the knowledge. I am also studying from **edit** and using those in addition. Not sure what either are doing, but I am hopeful and feeling 'good' about my actions. Which is important in times like this for us right?

Keep your head up.

Let the OM fail to provide her money.

SOT, where are you?

Grip-I'm still lurking. I'm sort of a zombie right now. I haven't been able to keep everyone up to date, it just takes to much emotional energy. I feel a little numb most times but when I'm alone I get hit with a flood of sadness and regret. I need plan B to come quickly but I am so afraid of it at the same time. Every interaction I have with WW I think "is this going to be the last time we ever _______?" Is this the last dinner our family will ever eat together? Is this the last conversation with WW I ever have about work/ family/ life/ whatever? Is this the last hug I ever get?

As I'm writing this I got a call from DD12. I could hear WW in the background talking to someone about an appartment or something. Its like a punch in the gut. I don't know how I'll manage Plan B, but I'll figure it out i guess.

Last week, on Wednesday, WW and I were supposed to go for a walk after work. She ended up changing her mind, but we took DD7 to SIL's to spend the night. On the way home, WW pulled into the grocery. At that time she had bounced 4 or 5 checks and had a negative balance in her account. I didn't say anything, just kind of went with the flow. When we got inside she started loading the cart up with misc crap that she/we needed. I knew she was assuming I was going to pay, but I had no intention. The groceries are here responsibility. Finally, she made a comment about paying and I let her know I wouldn't. Of course, she was pissed. I explained that we were no longer functioning as a couple and therefore, she was not entitled to spend my money. If she wanted to ask me for something, I would listen, but she should not expect anything from me. She asked me to pay and I declined. She then tried to use some sort of wayward logic about how if I wasn't going to allow her access to my finances then she didn't feel bad about doing what she wwas doing. It was twisted and didn't make sense. She ended up writing another rubber check to get what she needed. Her direct deposit was going in on friday, so it probably didn't bounce. When we got home she was upset. I asked if she thought she was really going to be happy if she got what she was after. She said no, she would probably be miserable. I asked her if she thought she would feel differently about me when she was gone. She said she thought she would miss me. She said "Am I going to yearn for you and need you? I don't know because you're constantly in my face."

So Thursday morning I got on a plane to Miami for business. I sent her a text before take off like I always do and no response. My work down there only lasted a couple of hours, so i headed to the hotel and sat at the pool bar for a couple drinks. Then walked out to the beach for a swim. It can be very lonely on a crowded beach. It didn't help that the last time I was in North Miami was my honeymoon. I sent WW one text. A pic of me at the beach saying I wished she was there. Again, no response. So I didn't try to talk to her again.

I didn't get back home until late Friday night. It was almost midnight and WW had left DS13 home alone so she could go out again. She had sent DD's to friends for the night. He had called her, he was scared. She sent me a text asking where I was. Apparently she isn't responsible for the kids when she has better things to do.I didn't respond and went to bed.

Satuday we went our separate ways. I took DD12 shoping for some clothes, DS13 went out with a friend and WW took DD7 with her. Late in the day I get a text saying WW was going to go out with TF that night. I called and let her have it a little. Not really a AO but I told her what I thought. I told her I was sick of taking the blame for the situation, that I wasn't responsible for her actions. I was pissed. When I got home, she tried to joke and make nice. I didn't play along. I went outside until she left. I locked her out that night, but I don't think she even tried to come home.

The next day she asked me to have breakfast with her. Just the two of us. I did. She must have felt guilty or something. She told me she was worried about me when I didn't call from Miami. I took the kids to church and then spent the day with them. I had to drop them at MIL's in the evening for a family get together. WW showed up late, so I got to visit before she got there. I asked her to stop in to see me after she left her mothers. She was still at the neighbors and DD's were staying with SIL. She said she would. I went to bed at 11:30 and she hadn't come home yet. I locked her out again, but I'm not sure if she tried to come in.

Yesterday, I was really missing her. She is plan B'ing me. How did that happen? Anyway, I asked if we could spend a little time together. We did and I managed not to have any R talk. Before she went to bed in the other room (neighbor returned home) she said "thanks for a nice evening". I though it was a decent Plan A night. I can't do many more though.

Wednesday, she want me to make sure I'm home with the kids so she can go to a graduation party for one of her new friends in OM's circle. I didn't respond. I don't know what to do. If I don't get back for the kids, she may take them with her and that would be worse than her going alone. Any thoughts?

Can some one explain PLan A and B?

Keep plan Aing no matter what she throws at you for now.

Keep it up for a couple weeks even after she moves and then hand her a plan B letter.

Someone suggested to me to wait two weeks after my wayward went out of the house to implement plan B and it was great advice.

It
1. Gave the 'newness' and excitement of finally being on their own a bit of time to wear off
2. Allowed me to prep for my own withdrawal from my wayward. When they leave the marital home, you will feel grief and miss the heck out of them. You just do. Being able to talk with them about kids, how you miss them at home, etc. is kind of useful for your own immediate sanity.
3. It shows how thoughtful you are as a spouse to be on good terms when they leave

You do not warn them plan B is coming. It would be seen as manipulative. You just implement it when you are steeled up to do so.

You then go darker than dark. The door is shut to access of any kind to you. It will give you strength and eventual clear vision of yourself and your situation and you will not be muddied up by drama.

Last night I did a decent Plan A. We went to DD12's soccer games and hung out as a family. After, we stopped for dinner. I was able to make some deposits for FS, FC, and conversation, so I felt good. When we got home WW went for a walk. She hadn't had a chance to talk to OM all night so I'm sure that was what she was up to. I locked up and went to bed. She was furious when she couldn't get in without knocking. After having a nice evening as a family, she immediately had to run off to talk to OM. It really affected me. I expected it and yet it still hurt badly. When she came home I asked her when she was moving out. I told her she needed to go right away. I was calm, but firm. Its horrible for the kids to see their mother living the single life and dating while still married and living at home. She said she wasn't leaving until she legally could. I don't know exactly what her lawyer is telling her, but she needs to go now.

This morning DD7 woke up with a fever. WW wanted me to stay home with her, but with my current work sitch I couldn't today. This really bothered her. I think she was mad because if she stayed home she wouldn't get to see OM. i told her if she couldn't stay I would make arrangements. This made her more angry. She felt I was questioning her abilities as a mother. Later, she commented that it was fine, that she would get to spend time with DD's today. She said she hadn't been able to see them much lately. (yea, because she is running around with OM) I asked her what she was going to do when she wouldn't be around them for half of the rest of their lives. I asked if she thought she would be ok with that. She responded that she wouldn't be but that she couldn't live with me. This lead to more R talk. I suck at avoiding this crap. Its my nature to fix things, so I constantly want to talk it out. I know it doesn't help. She made a comment though that I thought might indicate that, at least for this morning, the fog might have thinned for a bit. She said she couldn't get clarity on the situation when I was always in her face pushing the issue. Someone who is 100% sure of what they are doing doesn't need clarity, they already have it. It was a brief hint that she is still processing things. I haven't gotten that in a long time. I need Plan B for my sanity. I'm trying to process my pain in productive ways but its hard. I need her to move, but I'm not going to give her any advantage with custody if she continues down the road to D. Anybody have any advice?

work on crafting your plan b letter.

Write til you like it and share it here for tweaks and handwrite it in your best handwriting, ready to go when you are going to B.

Try to do no lovebusting or even relationship talk at this point.

One day, when you are prepared, tell her she must leave. That it is causing you too much pain for her to be involved with another man. That she MUST go. Kindly, but firmly. That the kids will be staying with you and she must go. That you love her completely but she must go and go now no matter her issues or plans.

Then, hopefully she will go and after she has been gone (wherever she hangs her hat) for a couple weeks......deliver the letter to her and a copy to the other man (that shows him that the game is not over and you had her leave, she didn't leave you).

All firm. All without lovebusting (anger, demands, disrespectful judgements).

sot,
I agree with reading, do the Plan B letter and ask her to leave since she is the one that seems to have a new plan for your family life...
Tell her the kids will stay in the home with you so there whole life isn't turned upside down......
Tell her you just can't continue to have a marriage with her while there is a 3 person involved.....if she wants that life she is free to go......
Be good to yourself and kids and don't worry if she is happy at this point, she needs to go through the reality of her decision now and if that is painful or scary to her then so be it......lets see how quickly her fantasy life falls apart when she only has the OM to fill all her needs......my guess it won't be as rosy as she thinks it might be..........let it all happen......let her feel her mistakes......
(hugs)

I've been hiding out a little lately. I haven't had the emotional energy to put my thoughts together and post them here.

I think I need an intervention. I am a relationship conversation addict. I need serious help. I know it wrong but do it anyway. Is there some kind of 12 step plan or something?

Things have been a lot more of the same with a few differences. WW anger has subsided a bit and she seems a little more down. I heard a few things lately that make me think maybe there is a small crack in the door. In a conversation last week we were talking about her moving out. She was actually crying, which is the first I have seen of that since the affair phone incident. In the course of the conversation, I was explaining that her love for me couldn't be restored as long she was seeing OM. She told me that her relationship with OM was not what I thought it was. I told her I understood exactly because she told me. He was her 'soulmate' and 'she would marry him if he asked'. She said "Well, I changed my mind. Can't people change their minds?" Maybe things aren't so perfect in la la land, or maybe she is trying to manipulate me. Not sure. She also said maybe her feeling for me would be different if she got some 'space'. She will find out if she leaves because Plan B will give her all the space she needs. Its weird, I am hoping for Plan B and dreading it at the same time. I need to recover but I am so afraid that it will be the end. I have been really down thinking about that.

Yesterday, WW went to look at a condo. She can't afford it, but apparently she thinks she can. Anyway, she told me about it and told me she would show me pictures if I wanted. I guess I'm supposed to be excited for her. Anyway, I ended up meeting up with a few guys last night before going home. A friend is heading back to Afganistan. She called me wondering where I was and when I would be home. That just doesn't happen anymore. I told her and she said she had brought me dinner home. She was being sweet and I kept waiting for the catch. I got off the phone and decided I wasn't going to rush home. I satyed for a couple more hours. When I got home WW was siting in the dark. I said hello and she gave me the cold shoulder. So I asked how she could go from being nice to being a jerk for no reason. She said she was said. She was sad she had to leave her house and all of her things. It struck me wrong I think. I told her she didn't have to go, she could recommit to our marriage and stay. She said she that wasn't going to happen. I said, your sad about the house? Not that our marriage of 15 years could be ending, not because she won't get to see her kids everyday, and not because our family was being ripped apart? She then tells me I'm selfish. It's not about me. I almost laughed out loud. I couldn't beleive she thinks I am the selfish one in this situation. She said she it wasn't the house but what is represented. I don't know what that means exactly. If she is so sad, why doesn't she stop the train?

I just called her a few minutes ago. More R talk. I asked her if she still had feelings for me. She said yes but not romantic feelings. I asked if she missed me. She said yes. I asked her to stop and think. I said if she still had something there for me she should wait and think things through. I don't think she will. MrW said on Igrips thread that �Some WW's dig in their heels and stubbornly proceed with their stated intentions...divorce.� I fear this will be my WW. If she ever changes her mind I think it will be after it is too late. I hope I�m wrong.

Ok Sot, I will step up here.

You are doing exactly what she is expecting of you. My WH informed me the other day, that because I did not act the way he expected after I found out, it kinda knocked his socks off.

In the end it made it much easier for him to get over the A, because he spent more of that time trying to figure out what I was going to do next. It showed him that while he was not looking, I had been changing and to a point it intrigued him to want to know more.


STOP THE R TALK! DO THE UN-EXPECTED!

The more R talk, the more she will put up that defensive barrier. You have to lure her into dropping that before you can convince her that she should stay and work on M. You can not make a safe environment when you are making her feel guilt with R talk.

just my 2 cents. hope it helps

I was doing really good at not R talk until last night. The kids were at gramma's and I was home. WW was not at the house. She said she was hanging with TF and avoiding me. She was probably with OM and I think she also went to look at another condo. I tried to stay busy. I worked out and took a walk, but I couldn't shake the anger and resentment. Really it was sorrow, but it was manifesting itself as outrage. I had tried to call WW early in the evening. She didn't take my call. That really bothered me. It shouldn't, its nothing new. Anyway, she came home around 11. I tried to make conversation. She wasn't really interested, but did respond some. I couldn't help but ask why she didn't take my call. She saw this as me starting an arguement. Things spiraled down and I ended up asking her if reconsiling our marriage was even an option to her. She said no. I asked her when she was moving out. She didn't have an answer. I was up all night thinking things over. I am in such pain right now. If she leaves I will miss her badly, but we can't continue to live like this.

This morning I told her she needed to move out this weekend. To my surprise she said she would. She is going to MIL. I know this is the right thing for me right now. I can't be a healthy person with her having an affair right in front of me. I am so sad at the prospect of her leaving. She has been the person I lean on for the last 15 years, my best friend, and the mother of my kids. I am so very sad today.

I'm sorry SOT. Very similar situations. I learned not to ask what I do not want to hear (do you love me, etc) because remember, their words do not mean anything right now.

Moving might me the next step for her. Make her feel in control. See what happens after. I have no good advice, just that I feel your pain. Deeply. Keep us posted.

do you have your plan B letter ready?

WW moved out this weekend. My plan has been to wait a couple of weeks to go to Plan B but I'm not sure now. I don't have the letter ready because for the last few weeks I haven't been able to put it together. My resentment and anger kept me from being able to express the love I truely have for WW. After she left I felt like I should just go straight to Plan B. I am really hurting and I feel extremely helpless.

She is now telling her mother and sister that I kicked her out. That is partially true. I told her to stop having an affair and recommit to our marriage or please move. Its not exaclty the same but I guess it makes her feel better to say it.

WW wants to start 50/50 with the kids today. Our issues outside of the A have to do with control and manipulation. So I feel really stuck with regards to the kids. If I fight her on letting her have the kids half the time I think I will seal the deal on D. I've been advised that the court will order 50/50 regardless, so I'm not sure its worth the fight. Right now I feel like giving up. Not because I want a D or that I don't still love DW where ever she is, but because it seems so hopeless.

The only crumb she gave me before she left was she said maybe this is what we need to save our relationship. FWIW i think it was sincere.

If that is how you feel, then you need to start your plan B NOW! If you think you can no longer be in plan A meeting all of her needs with out LB, AO etc then start writing your letter.

DON'T give UP!!!

You have know idea how blessed I am to have a husband that never gave up on me, every once in a while I will let wheels know and thank him for not giving up and divorcing me!

GO TO PLAN B! If you feel like giving up, do your plan B, finish what you started please! I know it's hard, but you can't give up! Think about your kids!

Write your plan B letter and send it here before you give it to her so we can help you revise it.

I am honestly afraid to start Plan B. I am afraid that I will end up in Plan B for life and I still love my W so very much. I miss her. I feel like I should stick to my plan and stay with Plan A for a couple of weeks but I'm not sure how to accomplish this. I don't see WW or talk to her all that much. Any suggestions?

Also, what does everyone think I should do about the custody stuff?