Sparkle, I am a thinker, feeler, and analyzer too. But some things just ARE. Like adultery. It just IS. There are not a variety of sides to the story. It's just wrong.

My marriage was terrible when I cheated. I was definitely in withdrawal. But I had other options: fighting harder for my marriage, working on myself, separating. No one forced me to choose the path of cheating. For me, thinking a lot about the ins and outs of my psyche regarding the affair was just a distraction. I had to look at it and say, "I chose to betray my husband and children by giving myself to another man. There was no excuse for this." And that was all there was to it....no buts.

I again suggest reading Surviving an Affair. Before I bought it the guilt was already closing in, but I was full of all the hurt my DH had caused me with his distance and neglect that "drove" me into the arms of another man. When I let myself see this choice for what it was, THAT broke me. And DH told me later that the ONLY thing that kept him in the same house with me after my confession was that he saw that brokenness.

I didn't do everything right. My idiotic ways didn't disappear overnight, but I kept humility, honesty, and a willingness to do whatever it took in front of my eyes. Wrap that in lots and lots of patience. These aren't things I can really put into words, but my DH knew it when he saw it. Your H probably has not seen that in you.

Read some of the threads here started by BS's - read their pain. THAT is what your H feels, whether he expresses it or not.

This is why it would be helpful for you to read the books so you understand what we mean by emotional needs. When we speak of emtional needs, we are speaking in context of creating romantic love. Your H might want to have domestic support, but this is not an intimate emotional need that will help you fall in love.


Why is he so tired? And why does he not enjoy his time with you? Are you pleasant to be with? What could you do to make yourself more enjoyable? What does he want to do in your leisure time? Do you get babysitters?


Actually, it is just as much your obligation to make sure she knows. She is YOUR victim too. She can't very well protect herself and her children from you if she doesn't know the threat you present and who you are.

The OM's wife HAS to be told and that job cannot be left to a liar and a rat, the OM. Your husband should be the one to call her and inform her of the affair.

This is information about her life that has been cruelly and wrongfully withheld from her.

Everyone should know about your affair, starting with her.


That is like telling someone you are a great drunk driver.
If you HAVE opposite sex friendships then you HAVE NO boundaries. You can see the result with your own eyes.

The question for me has been for a long time: what is the truth here? What constitutes the WHOLE truth? There is so much to it - I myself linger each day from one thought and viewpoint to another. If you consider the core truth to be "I have had a very deep emotional correspondence with someone else on the level that should be reserved for spouses only", then yes, this has been told. Of course, other details as well, depending on the person. I am sure that I haven't lied, but I of course cannot be sure I haven't omitted any essential facts.

My husband does not know each and every detail. He would be answered, should he ask.

This does not answer my question. WHAT have these people been told? I am not talking about psycyhobabble, but just the straightforward unvarnished truth:

"I had a sleazy affair with a married man." <-----------has everyone been told this?

What details have you withheld from your husband?

Does your H know you met your OM in person?

If there is still access to the correspondence, I would give that access to your H and allow him to read if he so chooses. I know that probably feels like a punch in the stomach, but he has the right to know as much as he needs to. And it's easier to just go ahead and call this an emotional affair. I know when I make something really long and wordy and drawn out, it is usually because I am just avoiding calling it what it is.

My DH sometimes tells me this: Stop your brain. That is good advice for us thinkers. You have the facts. You were unhappy, you chose the affair route, it was wrong, now you need to make amends. It's not poetic, but it's very clear.

Thank you for your answers, I have to get some sleep now... (it is deep night where I live) - I will be back reading and responding in about 17-18 hours, most probably not earlier. But I really want to make a change.

One short answer, though;
"Why is he so tired? And why does he not enjoy his time with you? Are you pleasant to be with? What could you do to make yourself more enjoyable? What does he want to do in your leisure time? Do you get babysitters?"

I think the biggest problem is the lack of babysitters. Have to start organising that more vigorously, though.
He says he needs 9-10 hours of sleep per night. Often it is interrupted (one of the kids wake up or sth) and on work days, it is not possible to get so much sleep.

In his leisure time he prefers to play computer games and read books (the latter is my hobby, too). I have urged him to take on sports, not very successfully. No hobbies outside home. We used to go bowling sometimes (I still think I enjoyed it more). Hm, still, cycling with the kids might count as sports.

As for whether I am pleasant to be with... I am probably not the best person to say it, but usually people find me to be an enthusiastic, optimistic, happy person; I have quite many friends and I am respected at my job and with my course mates at the university (doing my Master's). H has said a couple of times he likes me around. :P

I really tumbled on the question "what could I do to make myself more enjoyable". That I shall surely ask him.

Good night for now...

"agreeing to cut communications" with your affair partner is nice but have you:

~ changed your phone #s?
~ changed your email address?
~ closed social networking sites such as FB?
~ erased all emails/pictures/momentos of OM?

If you have not done any of the above, it is going to keep you stuck and make it hard for your BH to meet your ENs. You need to COMPLETELY close the door on this A in order to take the next step (falling back in love with your H).

Susie Q brings up an excellent point. Every time you log onto facebook (if you do this) to just look at a picture of OM, that is breaking NC. And yes, after you have offered to show all to H, any pics should be deleted with your H standing right there. If the OM can essentially cease to exist in your world, withdrawal will be much easier.

Id recommend reading Remain Nameless's Thread She sounded very similiar to you when she came here.

I think you would get alot out of the way her approach changed after she acknowledged that she had created this mess and had to be the one to fix it.

Sparkler, recognize this for the prevarication it is. This is you looking for an out so you are not truly accountable for your actions. You KNOW what to tell people. You just don't want to do it yet. The truth is the truth. If you talked about your life together someday, tell OMW that. If you discussed things of a sexual nature, tell her that. The first and most important step to fixing this is honesty. The quote above is just psychobabble.


Does he know that you met the OM in person. Like us, he probably won't believe that nothing physical happened.

Sparkler,

I just want you to think about what you said and then come back and tell us what you meant by it.
Surely you realize that the truth is not fluid or relative to circumstances, right?

Dr Harley has what he calls The Policy of Radical Honesty. It is radical because almost no one will naturally follow it because we always want to hold something back to protect ourselves form the consequences of what we have done. The Policy of Radical Honesty says this:
Something I have warned many folks about ,and seldom does someone who comes here having had an affair follow my advice, but I offer that advice to you now. If you really truly want your marriage to get better, your husband to heal from the wounds inflicted by you and for him to one day trust you, you really only have one choice when it comes to honesty; only 100% honesty is real honesty. Almost completely honest is still a lie and even more deadly to the love a person has for their spouse than an affair, which might be taken as a weakness, a momentary lapse of judgment or even as a response to something the BS might have done; the lying will destroy all trust as surely as if you meant to destroy it for some purpose. It is the lies that take place during an affair that destroy the trust more than the betrayal itself.

ANY attempts to withhold a part of the truth, to wait perhaps for a better time or a better day or a better way to word it, or to spin anything to make it seem less of a catastrophe will end up costing you a lot of time, energy and effort that you might not ever really be able to provide. Please heed this if you do nothing else, hold back NO PART of the truth. Hide nothing from your husband, not just about the details of the affair but also about daily life, your feelings, your likes and dislikes, your reaction to things he says or does...Please be totally honest about all things. Anything less will probably spell the doom of your relationship at least for a long time and maybe forever. He has to KNOW what you are doing, feeling, thinking and believing without having to ask the right questions to get an answer that is finally the truth. If you ever hope for him to trust you ever again as long as either of you lives, do not lie either by commission or omission for any reason under any circumstances about any subject. VOLUNTEER the truth rather than waiting for him to coax it out of you...and do this in ALL things.

Let him decide what details he needs concerning the affair and answer any question directly and at once without any spin or hesitation. But in every aspect of your life, you need to be 100% honest at all times and not wait for him to corner you to find out anything about any part of your life.

Mark

Sparkler:

I want to congratulate you for deciding to post about your EA. You came to the right place!

Despite your error you show a lot of insight regarding why you had the EA. You also seem to understand you need admiration and attention as your primary EN.

Paradoxically admiration and attention are easy ENs to meet, but your H does not have a clue. Unfortunately women that need admiration are always at risk for affairs because they fall in love with whomever provides the admiration. That is the only way I can explain how a woman falls in love over the Internet.

Falling in love is nothing but a change a brain chemistry to propagate the species and the symptoms are similar to an addiction. I have to congratulate you for not taking the EA into a PA.

If you go into NC the withdrawal from the affair will subside. However, NC must be hermetic-----------do not read old emails, do not look at photos, etc.

I have to also congratulate you for confessing the EA without your H finding out on his own. As WWs go that is a very positive action. Most men in this board would love to have a WW like you!

For now your No 1 goal is go go NC and to meet the ENs of your H. He must have some ENs. Then ask him to read the ENs book. If you work at this he will learn to meet your EN which should be quite easy to do. In fact OM types are often quite smooth and can detect women that need admiration and attention from miles away. You need to educate your H.

CIAO

Sparkler, as a WW with a very similar history and dynamic, i have to say i find Stanley's assessment both incisive and painfully correct.

Stan, you ought to come say a few words on my thread.

Good morning folks,

I took this 15 minutes to read and post here before leaving for today. Thanks for the link to RemainNameless's thread, I will go it through in the evening.

Right now, I feel terrified and glad and disgusted and a whole lot of other emotions. I feel like this coming here was like going to a necessary surgery without anaesthetics - it hurts like hell, yet I know (with my mind) that it has been the right thing to do. I think that for the first time I can see the situation more clearly. Oh what mental wiggling in the dust right now...

I really feel like crap (dunno whether from the three hours of sleep or the acknowledgement... most probably both).

Thank you, Stan-ley. Your post goes exactly to the core of it. It was SO right. (and really nice of you to throw in some reassuring words... it felt like balm for the wounds... though have I deserved it?) I guess the admiration need IS the biggest need for me. I have shared this need with my H, and not just once, but since even I myself failed to bring it up in my previous posts, I probably failed to communicate (or even grasp myself) just exactly HOW important it is to me.

My H knows I have met OM in person twice (once for business, the second time preceded my falling in love). He does not know of the last time.

They cannot communicate, because OM+family live in a different country and speak different language (which I speak).

OM doesn't use social networking channels. I haven't changed my phone# or e-mail address, since it would mean tremendous trouble, but I am sure in myself now that there will be no contact. Period.

Ah... you (at least some) seem to believe that I lie to you about the lack of physical contact. NO. What would be the point in lying here, on this anonymous forum? I may (and most probably do) interpret some facts differently, but I assure that I don't change bare facts.

Really gotta go now. Try to address other topics in 12 hours or so.

NO !!! You cheated on your husband.

You are completely fogged out.

So you're saying protecting your marriage isn't worth going through some 'tremendous trouble'?

Then, hon, I'm sorry, your marriage won't survive. The measly trouble of changing phone and email addresses is NOTHING compared to what recovery takes.

Couple months down the line, you have gotten your husband on board, you're recovering, things are getting better - then out of the blue OM decides to contact you on a fishing expedition. He can email you because you never went through the 'tremendous trouble' to change the address. You see the email. You, in the interest of disclosure and honesty show your husband. You have just set your recovery back to day one. Contact means you have to start over. You've just exposed your husband to the pain of D-day again.

But it was 'tremendous trouble' so it's ok.

How are you so sure there won't be contact again? Because you've seen the hurt you've caused, because you don't want to hurt anyone? Because you know better?

BS.

You've done it before and shown you don't have the strength to avoid it.

No one does.

Everyone is susceptible to an affair. EVERYONE.

The only protection is Extraordinary Precautions: boundaries you build like castle walls to protect anyone from coming into your marriage.

One of those precautions is changing the means contact your affair partner used.

From what you describe, your BH might be suffering of depression. He needs help. Dr. Harley recommends BS to take AD medication to help them cope with the pain. Is he taking AD medication or has he seen a physician about his condition?

Please understand that your BH might be going through unbearable pain. At this point you may not comprehend how much hurt you have caused him but be assured that he is suffering. If you really want to save your M, you need to tend his wounds. Put your needs on hold for a while and concentrate on making it safe for your BH to come out of withdrawal. Demonstrate to him that you are willing to go through "tremendous trouble" to amend your fault.

--ElCamino72

You are eyeball-deep in the fog. This is not a statement a wayward can make. It is nonsensical to do so. You have no control over whether or not OM calls you on that phone number or emails you on that email address, therefore you cannot be sure there will be no contact. It's that simple. And that should be reason enough for you to go to the "tremendous trouble" to change them.

After our D-Day my FWH changed all of his contact info. It was some trouble for him, of course. But he did it - for BOTH of us. He wanted no further contact, "knew" OW would never contact him again, but changed everything out of concern and respect for ME and to completely eliminate the possibility of contact for him.

A lot of us had to change our contact info, sparkler. It isn't easy for anyone. Do not use that excuse. It just won't work here.

Tremendous trouble??

I don't think you have any idea what you have put your H through emotionally. If you watch Dr. H's video, it may help you understand: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6806_inf.html