I agree, she has been doing great in plan A, she can pretty much start plan B when ever she feels it is right...and right now that time is anytime!

Give us an update on your current situation please

Nobody here has said that. It's the folks here who know what you are going through and know what you are doing to save your marriage and why.

NOBODY who has not saved their marriage from the brink of destruction that resulted from an affair has any idea at all of what they would do in such a situation. Even those who have been cheated on and just let go because their own resolve and love for the wayward spouse was already dead do not understand.

Begin to research Plan B letters so that you can get one written. You might want to post it here for feedback (replace names with something for posting it.)

Consider who you would select as an intermediary so that once you sever contact with WH you don't have to listen to his crap any more. This person needs to be someone who can filter out the normal whining that comes from a WH who is trying to manipulate his BW in order to continue cake eating.

Before you deliver the Plan B letter, I would state clearly and without any Love Busters that he is now at a crossroads and must choose to either commit to coming home and working on the marriage or leave you alone and stop hurting you. His decision will determine if the Plan B letter is to be delivered. If that is the case, hand it to him and walk away.

No negotiations, no listening to him complain about how you are not being fair or any of that crap can be allowed. Put the ball in his court and see if he returns it or lets it pass.

Mark

ITA

Steve Harley addressed that with me. All your family sees is your pain. THey know that divorce and separation ends the pain your going through the quickest. Its the "easy out" for them. So they will constantly push you towards D.

Surrounding yourself with people that will support you staying in the M is the safest route.

I am not sure im ready for plan B yet..... we have made some progress he has been taking a step forward here or there and gone back a couple of steps....

He came over the other day and almost kissed me... he was hugging me he had put his head on my me and we were just sitting there breathing eachother in them he looked at me and moved in to kiss me and i stood still hoping he would but he pushed back and then didnt want to be close anymore.. i hugged him again and kissed him anyways....

he has displayed some jealousy lately which amuses me he has been questioning my whereabouts comming over late at night to talk to me.... i asked him to come home and he said he wasnt ready because he still in the same place....

He did say he sees some changes in me and that he sees me moving on... that he will loose everything....

I told him i am changing my self because there are thing i do not like but thats doesnt mean I dont love you or that I am looking for another person.... I told him you havent lost me yet and the only way you will is if you give me up!

We have had some issues and a fight on saturday which was bad because i did ask him to give me the house key.... he blew up and it was not a pretty sight... then he came over around 2 am after he went out and we talked he said he knew we didnt mean all the things we said and i asked him to stay but he said no... he did then told me how pretty i lokked which made me feel good!

but mostly its been good... He has been upset lately but i think its because he sees the changes in me and is conflicted and feels guilty....

But who knows at this point!

the thing that bothers me is that sometime i try to flirt or make jokes with him and he seems to get mad! But if he does the same to me I am supposed to be ok and go along with it!

He told me he has conflicting emotions!

I was just going to post on your thread to see if you had an update lol

It sounds like he is doing better, but he is still on the fence on what he wants, your job now is to help him realize which side of the fence he wants, how long will he be going limbo for you till he finally decides?

How longer will you be in plan A?

I'm glad things are better!

Sounds like you have done an awesome plan A!

Hope things changes soon! Either he finally recommits or you going into plan B.

Good luck lady!

yeah I talked to him today and I asked him what was it that he was feeling....
I said I feel like no matter what I do flirt, joke, silent... or get mad.... it bothers you!

Every reaction is wrong and I feel like my very existance agravates him!

some days im stronger than others! today has been a rough day!

Lisa,

Go back and read the first few posts on your thread. Don't dwell on it all; just take a quick look and then think about how amazingly far you have come in such a short time. You began here totally hopeless and helpless but now you have hope and can help yourself.

An the rest of us are still here to help you when you need us.

You are doing an amazing job!

Mark

Lisa,

IMO, more Plan A isn't going to pull your H down off the fence. That's what Plan B is for.

Dr H says Plan A only works 15% of the time ~ it is really meant as a foundation for Plan B. I really think it's time for you to get your Plan B lined up. It's time to show your WH your boundaries...

Any time you get a negative reaction to your plan A efforts you know you are getting through. Expect it and stop taking it personally. Mark is right, you have come a long, long way! Please decide on a date that you will go to plan b if he has not met your conditions for R and then keep up your plan A.

Just remember to shake off the moments he gets annoyed with you. Glad you check in.

He is being especially hurtfull today! I am trying not to react but it has been tough!

He is aggraved with me because i was flirty with him today!

He told me that he is conflicted and that when he is home he thinks he can do it and ut feel rite and that he is comfortable but others he feels he is better off by himself....

He thinks we are fighting even when we are not just because i chose to dissagree or to ignore his behavior or comments in an adult even tone voice or an even temper manner....

i know plan A might not work but I am frustrated by his lack of resolve....since he can have his cake and eat it to so to speak!

He gets the comforts of home and then he leaves to live the bachelor life

He told me I have to move on and he cant expect me to wait for him to make up his mind?

Hmm...Sounds like you need to start preparing yourself with plan B...it's coming!!

I know I think so too probably next couple of weeks if not sooner...

He also told me that he doesnt want me to move on but cant expect me to wait till his [censored] makes up his mind....

Not my words his sorry for the curse!

dumb butt!

LOL didnt know i would get sensored! how funny!

plus i want to stay in plan A untill I can no longer stand it!

What tool will you use to measure this?

I dont know! I guess when I can no longer tolerate the situation pain wise!

Lisa,

One of the keys to Plan A is only continuing it until you have decided it isn't going to bring him home. At that point, you enter Plan B mode so that you still love him when things turn around.

If you remain in Plan A too long, striving to meet his ENs while getting nothing from him in return and he continues the Love Busters that take away from his account in your Love bank, you will end up not only not loving him, but begin to dislike or even hate him. Once you reach that point recovery is almost impossible because you won't want to recover anything with him because just being with him or thinking of him will be too painful for you.

So set up an intermediary that can filter messages from him so that you don't have to deal with his crap all the time and write out a Plan B letter and get it posted here so that you can get additional input on it before you reach the point where you are no longer thinking and acting but feeling and reacting to his garbage.

My take on his on again off again demeanor is that there is still contact with OW. Someplace, somehow, some way he is getting his fix from her and when he does, he leans that direction. Then he is with you and he leans your way, but hen he feels the withdrawal from her and has contact with her then is less resolved to return to you.

It honestly isn't that he doesn't want you, Lisa. He is just trying to figure out a way to keep you both. Absolutely typical wayward husband...

Mark

Lisa,
I think you have your husband weighing things out quite nicely, you said he almost kissed you, keep a good Plan A and the next time he might....I used to ask for hugs from my husband just to get me through a tough moment, he said okay, at first he didn't even hug back and it only lasted a couple of seconds, as time when on I could feel him hugging back and it would last longer each time.....he was also getting comfort out of the hugs and I think we both looked forward to them.......this was when he was still telling me that he loved another woman.....it was a way of connecting for us with a little memory attached to it........
He backs away from you because of guilt and fear of being hurt by you.....keep telling him he won't lose you unless he calls your relationship off........
I'd do Plan A for a couple more weeks, see how it goes, if you can get him away alone for a day build some memories for him to look back on when he is mulling things over.......get ready for Plan B......and know that none of this is a guarantee but you are at least giving it a good try........he would be gone by now if he wanted to be..........keep your chin up, feel the power you have and you do, you just don't know it right now...........

Lisa, I think part of starting Plan A is making preparations for your Plan B behind the scenes, at the beginning, so you are ready to enter Plan B instantly at a moment's notice.

Dr. Harley says:


http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8111_quit.html