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Well I just talked to softball coach. His wife left him 11 years ago and he's been on my side of the fence and knows what it feels like. He didn't say much new, but he had no idea that she was moving out. He also didn't say much when I told him about the affair. He's said he is praying for us and hopes it works out better than it did for him. He did give me some advice that sounds just like the MB philosophy and I told him I am already working on it and he encouraged me to keep going. So it is coming out fully!


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
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Exposure has to happen to everyone and as close to the same time as possible. hold off on Plan B or move out letter. Exposure will bring out the WW chitstorm so hunker down a bit.

Keep up Plan A - and wear teflon bc WW will be angry.

PS - If the church will not assist and support the marriage than I would look into exposing it through its authoritative branch

Last edited by rwinger; 06/29/10 11:50 AM.

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EXPOSE - EXPOSE - EXPOSE ............. NOW !!!!!!!!

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Okay, brothers have been sent an e-mail with the file attached. The [censored] should hit the fan now! I haven't been able to contact him, but her younger brother was against her leaving me. Let's see if he calls me now.


ME: 48
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Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
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awoken,
Whatever you do, don't compromise doing what you've been told to do here...the temptation is to go halfway but that is sure failure, it's very important you do full exposure, continue plan A, work on departure letter, go into plan B. You cannot let her think she can come and go, cake-eating, as she pleases. She needs to get a full idea of who you are becoming, what she will miss...and then miss it. She needs the bubble burst. Everything you've been told is right on. I am stunned that this church is supporting her leaving you...unless she lied and told them you're abusive or something. Exposure needs to happen to church, work, kids, friends, family EVERYONE. Yes, even work. Don't worry about the outcome, just trust that this works.


Enacting life's lessons into positive change... .
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Okay, went to graduation party and told more church members about the move out and the affair. These people were not happy with the counselor and they have been through counseling and know what we are going through. They said its good that I am telling people so my side of the story comes out. They won't take sides, they are friends of both of us, but they encouraged me to continue along the same lines I am doing; to improve myself and show her what she will be missing.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
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When do I tell the wife that I exposed her and POS? Tonight when she comes home?


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
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As I understand it you don't. She will find out on her own.

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Okay, I think she knows, or the texts have gotten more intimate and she is paranoid. She erased all of her texts for the day. I know the had to sets of text conversations, one this morning, and one this afternoon. For a total of 10 or 11 texts. All erased.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
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Is this behavior normal? Today she went shopping and bought me a bunch of new clothes for my new body. I have lost 43 pounds and my clothes are baggy and look crappy. She also offered to go back and buy me a set of pots because she is taking her good ones and they have a good deal on a set of Revereware. Does a WAW do those things the day before she leaves? Does this mean she still has feelings and wants to take care of the boys and I. Or is this just guilt over what she is doing?


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
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Personally I would suspect guilt but better let the pros answer that one for you. Sorry I couldn't be much help there but I am in your corner and hope you come out of this better than before you went into it! I've taken a real interest in your thread, aside from the fact that we're neighbors, just your story in general. Keep up the good fight and make yourself better for yourself. If she wonders about the changes just let her know two people are leaving the old you behind, her and you!!!! After all, if the old you wasn't good enough for her then the old you won't be good enough for anybody therefore the newer and better you for whatever the future may bring.

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You may want to read this:

The Basics of Getting a Divorce in New York State
By Todd Thomas
This article is intended for someone looking for basic information on a New York divorce. The following is meant to be a basic guide to the terms and procedure and is not meant to be legal advice. If you have questions about divorce, you should consult an attorney in your area for legal advice.
Divorce is more complicated in New York than in most other states. Almost any week you can open up the newspaper to read of celebrities getting a California or Nevada divorce based on "irreconcilable differences." This is a "no fault" or "non-fault" divorce, where the parties are not claiming anyone did anything wrong, but that they can't remain married due to irresolvable issues. New York, on the other hand, requires fault on behalf of one of the spouses before a New York divorce will be granted. The complaint must allege one of five specific wrongs done by one party against another, as required by New York's Domestic Relations Law.
The most common ground for a divorce is "Cruel and Inhuman Treatment." This sounds very severe, but the phrase is defined so broadly by the courts that it has become almost as default as "irreconcilable differences" has in other states. In other words, it is so broadly defined that any couple wanting a divorce in New York can likely qualify. Specific instances of bad conduct will need to be cited to show it is "unsafe or improper" for the parties to remain married. However, causing arguments, name-calling, refusing intimate contact and many other signs of a failing marriage can qualify as cruel and inhuman treatment.
Many times, the other allegations may be the actual reason a party wants a divorce, but instead cruel and inhuman treatment will be alleged because of specific requirements necessary for the other four allegations. For example, adultery is one of the five grounds for a New York divorce. To plead and prove adultery, a plaintiff must obtain the testimony of someone other than a spouse. The "other man" or "other woman" isn't required to testify, as they have a Fifth Amendment right against self-incrimination and adultery (and sodomy, which is relevant in some cases) are still punishable as crimes. As well, adultery isn't grounds for a New York divorce if you've also had sex with someone other than your spouse or if you knew of the adultery and forgave your spouse and resumed marital relations.
Abandonment is the third ground for a New York divorce. This occurs when your spouse has left, without provocation (ie, you didn't tell her to get out, lock him out after a fight, etc) and without your consent and, despite your request to return, has been gone at least a year. Constructive abandonment is a subset of this ground, where a party has refused to have sex with his or her spouse, without any valid reason, for a year. One of the difficulties with this is the timeline required. Within that year, there can't have been one instance of reconciliation or the clock starts running again. Rather than potentially detailing moment by moment transactions, it can be easier to allege months or weeks of absence as inhuman treatment.
The last of the direct allegations of fault against your spouse is imprisonment. If, after you were married, your spouse has gone to jail for three straight years, you can ask for a divorce. However, there is a time limit and if you wait too long, even if your spouse is still in prison, you may not be eligible for a divorce in New York.
The indirect allegation, if it can be called that, is that spouses may request a divorce based on a separation agreement. A separation agreement has many of the same grounds as a divorce, including that the parties cannot reconcile while living under a decree of separation. After a year of living apart, though, the spouses can ask the court to convert the details of the separation agreement into a divorce (often called a conversion divorce.) This is useful where parties wish to have a trial separation before a divorce or, for whatever reason, need more time before a divorce is granted. The parties will resolve their issues by negotiation or other means, then commit the agreement to writing where it is approved by the court.
Procedurally, there are two main types of divorce proceedings in New York. A "contested divorce" is where your spouse fights back. He or she may still want a divorce, but claim it is your fault. The finding of fault can have repercussions in alimony (property called "maintenance" in New York) and sometimes in child custody. In other cases, your spouse may deny the wrongdoing and fight back to remain married, or at least to deny the claims. Contested divorces are noted for being very expensive and occasionally requiring grueling testimony from the parties. In an "uncontested divorce", the same five grounds are still the basis for a split, but the issues are not disputed. It may be as simple as a spouse has moved on to a new partner and agrees the marriage should be terminated. In most cases, however, the uncontested divorce in New York is still a collaborative process. The parties, often through lawyers, will resolve the major issues such as division of the couple's property and custody of any children. One party will then ask the court for a divorce, asking for exactly the resolution already agreed to in advance. The other spouse will then not respond to the court documents, so that the party who asked for the divorce is awarded a default judgment. The result is that a cooperative resolution is reached without intensive or time-consuming litigation. This means that it is used even in cases where the parties may not get along or where the relationship has crumbled to the point the spouses can't be in the same room.
Once you have read this and understand the terms, you should consult a local attorney to determine whether you have the grounds for divorce and for an explanation of costs and the time it will take. For people who want a divorce without using a lawyer, there are numerous self-help guides that provide excellent information on the necessary steps. In either case, your local Supreme Court clerk will have a copy of the necessary forms and the instructions, available for purchase for a small fee. As well, the forms are available on the official New York State Office of Court Administration website, www.nycourts.gov. Review the forms and see what information you will need before you meet with your lawyer or begin the process.
While it would be great if no one needed the above information, I hope this brief article on divorce in New York has been useful. As always, the above information on divorce in New York is intended solely for educational purposes. This is general information and the laws may have changed between the writing of this article and the time you've read it. As well, oversimplification for space purposes means you will need to consult an attorney or at least a current self-help guide before taking any actions. Divorce, especially under New York law, is very complex and proper care must be taken to safeguard your interests.

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Here is a revision of the move out letter. It is still in the Plan A format. Feedback please.

Wife,
You are the love of my life. I am sorry that you feel that your leaving was the only option you had. As you leave please remember all the good times we shared and remember the joy we had. Remember the trips to Long Island, scuba diving with A & B, having barbques with C&D, and meeting with E&F when they were in town. Remember the walks in the park, and making love in the gorge, losing your panties, and going back to find them. Remember all our trips going antique hunting. All of the drives we took and talked the whole time. Remember the great times in Florida and going to the aquarium and NASA and the looks of joy on the boys� faces. I am sorry for the way I ignored your needs. Please know that since I have gotten help, my love has re-awoke, I have examined my feelings, and I love you more than ever. I know we made mistakes, but I am positive that we can fix the problems. Know that the door will always be open for you to come back and for us to make a happy, fulfilling marriage and life, one that is better than what we ever had. Please don�t hesitate to call me if you need to talk and you are lonely, I am here for you, now and forever.

With all my love


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
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Is this your plan B letter? I would minimize the relationship talk, she is not going to read the whole thing if it is about you and her only.

Here is a sample one from NewPetals thread. There is also a sample one from the back of SAA.


Dearest WW,

I am so sorry our marriage has come to this. I recognize my part in our relationship that created an environment where you became vulnerable to another woman's attentions.

I have learned to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past, and am constantly working to find better ways to resolve conflict between us. I want to create a new life for both of us that meets both our needs and creates a loving home for our children. But we cannot do that until you end all contact with OM once and for all, and commit to having her out of our lives completely.

Until then, I hope you will understand when I say that I cannot see you or talk to you anymore. IM has agreed to be our intermediary, and she will help in making it easy for you to see your children, as we discussed. Our only contact should be in the case of emergency about the children.

Please understand my decision to separate from you this way. It is too painful for me to live with you any longer as long as you are also with her and do not want to have a marriage with me. I love you very much, and need to preserve that love so that I will still want to recover our marriage when you end your affair. I ask that until you are ready to end your affair with OM and focus on our marriage and family, you leave our home.

The way back home is simple: end all contact; be completely transparent with me with your phone, emails, and time; be truly repentant for the damage you caused; and, commit to rebuilding our marriage.

I look forward to the day when we can begin to rebuild our family and begin the rest of our lives together as a family. I want nothing more than to be your partner through life, and your best friend and confidante in all matters - you have always been mine. We can have a stronger marriage built on trust, love, honesty, and teamwork.

I loved you from the day I met you and I continue to love you right up to this moment. I hope for and look forward to a time when we can begin a new marriage with each other.

Love,
BS

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Mine is not a Plan B letter. I wasn't going to Plan B yet. It is a moving out day letter with intentions of more Plan A.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
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D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
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Originally Posted by awokenhubby
Here is a revision of the move out letter. It is still in the Plan A format. Feedback please.

Wife,
You are the love of my life. I am sorry that you feel that your leaving was the only option you had. As you leave please remember all the good times we shared and remember the joy we had. And this is about as far as she will read. Oh, she may skim the rest, looking for details about finances, splitting the proceeds from the house sale, etc. But she is NOT going to want to remember good times with you. It will make her feel guilty and invade her fantasy. Do not send this letter. Look at NP's letter and craft it from there. Remember the trips to Long Island, scuba diving with A & B, having barbques with C&D, and meeting with E&F when they were in town. Remember the walks in the park, and making love in the gorge, losing your panties, and going back to find them. Remember all our trips going antique hunting. All of the drives we took and talked the whole time. Remember the great times in Florida and going to the aquarium and NASA and the looks of joy on the boys� faces. I am sorry for the way I ignored your needs. Please know that since I have gotten help, my love has re-awoke, I have examined my feelings, and I love you more than ever. I know we made mistakes, but I am positive that we can fix the problems. Know that the door will always be open for you to come back and for us to make a happy, fulfilling marriage and life, one that is better than what we ever had. Please don�t hesitate to call me if you need to talk and you are lonely, I am here for you, now and forever.

With all my love

Last edited by maritalbliss; 06/30/10 08:23 AM.

D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Git it, I am not going to send a letter. We ended up having a talk this morning as she started her move out and the boys weren't awake yet. I have a lot of things to write about, but I spent the day away from the house. I am now taking younger son to movies. I will update lots of info later. I may need a 2 x 4 for what my feelings are. I can hardly breathe right now, she is not coming home tonight and surprised me with it 45 min. ago. Now I have to tell the boys. Thanks all for your support.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
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Make HER tell the boys. Your WW needs to see it in their faces. She is not going to react to it now, but if she ever wakes up, those will be moments that will KILL her. At least that is what other FWW have told me about.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
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Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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I agree make HER tell your boys.

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Okay, got time to type. We got into a talk this morning. I accused her of the emotional affair. She admitted to it. Said that I ignored her so long that she felt good to have some pay attention to her. She claims she didn't start it until after she had decided to leave me in February. That she updated her facebook status to It's complicated before she left that that is when she made up her mind. Not that she was going down there to see him. It just so happened that she met him after she made up her mind and updated her status. Either she is a fantastic actress/liar, or she was telling me the truth. I could tell it in her voice.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
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