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@ PM

Whenever I look at the feature "Who's online" I see REGISTERED and I see HIDDEN (also means registered) , and I see GUESTS ( probably unregistered LURKERS).

Usually, there are far more guests than registered.

Made me think geeze someone needs to post to that group. At least some of them must be suffering under the weight of their double life.

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I love this thread! Love it. This should stay pinned to the top.


BW-me-56
FWH-GreenMile-62
Married 1982
2 wonderful grown sons

D Day #1 4/1985
D Day #2 10/03/08
D Days continued for a while.

Started real recovery 07/15/10
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Victimhood is not going to raise your self esteem.

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That looks like a Calvin and Hobbes comic strip....My WH favorite... frown


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
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haha Pepper, I'm not talking about Mr. T...actually, I'm talking about all of those accusatory eyes. :-) But I think it's cute. Thanks for all of your great posts.

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Great posts. Well written and you are probably bang on the mark about the unregistered lurkers needing help and they would be well served if they just came out of lurk mode and said hello.

Flick scuttles back into the shadows stickout


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For unfaithful LURKERS who are "only" having an emotional affair ....

Please read:



Originally Posted By: Pepperband
This is an excellent exchange written by BARNBOY


Barnboy: "Steven Harley had some words about spending time trying to define what an affair is:"

Quote:
Discussions (or arguments) about what to include or exclude from the definition of marital infidelity is an effective way to get lost down a path where "Left Brainers" typically dwell and where "Right Brainers" typically get offended. The bottom line to the question is, "Specifically, what was it about the inappropriate relationship' that caused the damage in the marriage?" Was it the sex ([insert definition here]), the emotional bond, the amount of time spent together, the physical attraction? What was it? Talk about it. Get a clear understanding. If you don't understand how or why it happened and why it hurt the spouse, the probability of it happening again is very high.

Asking others to define the term for you is not the answer. If you boil it all down, you are left with the fact that you both need to work together in developing a plan to prevent this "beast" from ever attacking your marriage again. If you don't know what it looks like, if you don't know where it hides, if you don't know what its touch feels like, then how will you ever protect your marriage from its venom again?


Barnboy:"Independent behavior + dishonesty about it with a member of the opposite sex is, to me, infidelity. I don't really consider it "adultery" unless it involves sex, but a partner doing things with a member of the opposite sex and lying about it qualifies as infidelity and an affair in my book."


Original poster:"I very recently found out about an EA my spouse was having..."


Barnboy: "Correction: Unless you have evidence that it is over, and extraordinary precautions in place to prevent its recurrence, your husband is involved in an ACTIVE and CURRENT affair, and it should be treated that way."

Original poster:"What is bothering me now is that he refuses to admit anything...........and he knows I have proof. Instead, he has chosen to try and figure out just how much I DO know versus coming clean and getting over it."

Barnboy: "This is the behavior of an active wayward spouse, straight out of the playbook. Their goal is to try to misdirect you in several ways with each piece of evidence:
1. "Gaslight" you, make it your fault, make you question your judgment.
2. Claim these are the actions of people who are "just friends", no matter how inappropriate.
3. Establish how you learned of their actions in order to remove those methods of communication and drive their relationship deeper underground to avoid detection. DO NOT inform him of how you learned each piece of evidence. That will only be used to make sure that snooping method won't work again!

No member of the opposite sex should be allowed to fill a spouse's need for intimate conversation, affection, sexual fulfillment, or recreational companionship. That is how affairs start.

Advice:
1. Buy a copy of Dr. Harley's "Surviving An Affair". Right now. Drop what you're doing, order it, call around to bookstores, whatever, get a copy in your hands.
2. Once you've read the book, implement Plan A immediately.
3. Plan to expose this affair in a very directed fashion. For instance, I collected names, telephone numbers, and email addresses of every friend and relative of my wife's who I knew was a friend of our marriage. Then in a two-day span, I called them all. My script started the same way each time: "Dear friend, I called you for some advice. My wife is having an affair with (other person). I recently discovered it's been going on for the past (length of time). It has not yet become sexual as far as I know, but I don't know what to do about it. You know her so well, I could really use your advice."
Expect to receive a mystifying array of responses, but don't plan to act on them; plan to act on Dr. Harley's Plan A from Surviving An Affair.
4. Learn to share the truth of the hurt of the affair with your husband without disrespectful judgments, angry outbursts, or selfish demands.

Your goal here in Plan A is to show your husband what a loving, warm, supportive, and wonderful spouse you can be, and exactly how much he stands to lose if he continues to pursue this affair. If after some time period you set during which you can continue to meet his needs expecting nothing in return he does not abandon his affair partner, you'll move to Plan B.

And we'll cover that in another discussion. Learn the plan to work through Surviving An Affair right now."


Link to original post





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Click to reveal..
<--------Not's lurking

Last edited by not2fun; 07/01/10 01:49 PM.
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Quote:
Victimhood is not going to raise your self esteem.


This should be the quote of the day.

If there is one thing that I cannot stand it is inappropriate victimization of oneself.


Me,BW - 42; FWH-46
4 kids
D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006
D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR)
Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007

In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. smile
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I am going to pop this back up to the front page. Important post and important information here. Thanks Pepperband!


BW-me-56
FWH-GreenMile-62
Married 1982
2 wonderful grown sons

D Day #1 4/1985
D Day #2 10/03/08
D Days continued for a while.

Started real recovery 07/15/10
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So, you are an unfaithful LURKER and you "hope" to marry your adultery partner. "Someday".

This is what Dr Harley says about the problems and difficulties he encounters when trying to assist a marriage that began as adultery.


LINK

The adultery-based marriages are pretty ugly to the majority of posters on this forum.
Your marriage will be called an "affairage".


If you have ALREADY married your adultery partner, and then find that he/she is currently cheating on YOU .... You are not treated as other betrayed spouses are treated on the forum.

Just be warned....

You'd be better off skipping the message boards, and calling the Harley counseling center.


A sampling of what Dr Harley says about his experiences with married adultery partners:

Quote:


I have counseled hundreds of these couples and am presently counseling couples that married after an affair, and I can tell you from first-hand experience, and their own unsolicited comments, that if they had put the same effort into their marriages, they would be happily married to their original spouses today.






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Hello LURKERS




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Hey Pep,

I think your strategy might be working.....seems as if we have had an inordinate amount of WS's the last couple of days.......

Carry on soldier.......... cool

Not

Ps.......in case you haven't noticed I'm so stealing your "lurking" eyes........ grin

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If this stops just ONE marriage from disaster, the effort is worth it.

I HATE adultery.
I understand adultery, AND I hate it.

Adultery ruins lives.
Adultery ruins families.
Adultery hurts the children .... Even the adult children (See Scotland as an example).

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Originally Posted By: Pepperband
If this stops just ONE marriage from disaster, the effort is worth it.

It's also a great compendium of articles that are now in one place, keeping the rest of us from having to link them all separately.

Thank you for your efforts, Pepperband.


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
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Unfaithful LURKERS
Step out of the shadows.
Step into the light.
Adultery and lies is no way to live.
It is soul-killing.

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Quote:
It is soul-killing
Correction, it is soul shattering. You will find yourself left with shards of the person you once were or believed yourself to be. The shards can be used to rebuild yourself into a better person, spouse and parent but only through a thorough self examination (after the rectal spelunking is complete) and a humbling of spirit.

Bear in mind those lurkers who have not yet stepped over the line but are considering it...the scars last a lifetime.

Remember this too lurkers...where ever you go *you* go. You cannot run away from yourself by divorcing your spouse or abandoning your children. First step is to look deep into the mirror and see the truth of what is reflected back at you.

So dear lurker, what do *you* see?


Faith

me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
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Love ya Pep kiss

Also, I found this thread from April 5th that has REASONS to NOT have an affair. laugh

Fred's thread on top 10(or 15) reasons to NOT have an affair.

Last edited by Scotland; 07/03/10 10:36 AM.

BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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Thanks for the link.

Are you reading along, dear unfaithful LURKERS?

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