JMHO, but, I dont think a meeting with the 3 of you is gonna be a good idea...you are not gonna get the truth from them anyway and then its just you against them. But its sounds to me like something is definitely up.

Are you doin a Plan A right now?

thanks for the input.

The reason that I also want to meet the 3 of us because my H's friend is doing my stocks account. I gave him all the information before these things happened because he agreed that he'll do that for me.

Last Feb when we were on holidays, I told my H that I hate his friend because he was teaching my H to lie to me on the email I read which my H denied. And my H was angry at me how I react. Now he wanted me to cancel the account asap. Because he said that it's not fair for his friend that I hate his friend and then I let him earn money for me.

I told my H that I'll cancel the account but until now I haven't done it yet. I want to make sure that my steps are right, if I cancel it. That's why I want to make sure that meeting the 3 of us is a good idea or not.

Plan A I'm not doing it yet. I'm not sure how to do it. Are there steps for that?

At the moment is my H quite loving and nice to me again. I just don't like how he treated me when it comes to his friend.

I know if I'll ask my H that we'll talk the 3 of us, he will be defensive again. What would be the proper approach for t his?

Thanks

Hi does anyone know the links about Plan A?

Do you think it's time for PlanA now?

plan A

Plan A starts ASAP

Also this one from Dr Harley

Plan A and Plan B

Thanks for the link...
I need your help here how to implement the plan...
The problem now, we are both having a difficult time to talk with each other :-( it hurts me so badly to see my husband not happy with me anymore. I can feel it & i can see it through his eyes.
So i don't know where & how to start the plan A.???

I was advised with our couple therapist that I should take care of myself & not wait for my H. Because if my H wants me he needs to initiate it.
Now i started to meet friends & go out when my H is out with his friend.
I could not think at the moment how to start the plan with our situation

i need your help

Hi I'm not sure what I'm doing is right at the moment. Your help and advised would be greatly appreciated.

At the moment, I was advised that I should withdraw from my husband and find peace for myself. Is that ok?

Last time when he went out with his friend, I didn't ask anymore how was his night. Where did they go or what did they have etc. In the first place he didn't tell me where they're going he just informed me that, he's going out with his friend again. His friend is male. How can I implement the plan A here?

He's not having an affair with women. My problem is, his putting a greater amount of faith with his friendship rather than with our relationship.
I couldn't stop him with that.

How can the plan A works here?

Please need your advice. Thanks

We had a talk yesterday, my husband told me that he's kind of irritated that almost every week I have to meet my friends and he said he wanted to spend time with me. He told me that the whole friday we're not seeing each other and there I am meeting friends.

But actually he started doing this, I was not actually meeting most of the time my friends, because I always think of our relationship and I love spending time with him. But these things change after their trip from TH. He's meeting his friend often and even go his friends place for dinner because it was the birthday of his friend's nephew and I was not invited. This was strange to me. But he claimed that the I should know the reason because I was the one who said that I hated his friend. So how can he's friend invite me if I hate him. That was our last fight. We were hurt, he was saying negative words to me and I was really really hurt.

He even told me that I'm the one working so hard to end our marriage and that I'm a crazy little [censored] wife and nuts so I have to stop poking on him :-(

Then I stepped back because, I was advised to withdraw for the meantime from my husband. Now even it's hurtful in my part, I have to try to step back for awhile from him to avoid discussions and hurtful words towards each other.

Now it seems he complained. He said he can't live like that if I'm not interested anymore to our marriage. He needs someone to talk to and not wait for the schedule of our therapy where we are allowed to discuss our feelings and misunderstanding.

Now I don't know what to do?..
I need your help and advice. We are not discussing about his holidays with his friend next year at the moment.

I hope this is somehow dissolve and we can go back to normal life again.

Please i need your advice.

hi again

i need advice badly.

last night we had another discussion again.

i mentioned last time that my husband commented on me, going out with friends. I know these have reasons why I am doing this.

I respected my husband's feelings about this and always see again that I could spend time with him.

But yesterday I told him that I will call his friend to stop doing the stocks account for me. My H said ok, and the reason why so that he will be there and so that he'll know. I called his friend and he also told me that he already stop doing it before I called. So for me it sounds that he's just getting information from my H and then he didn't inform me. I was kind of angry because for me it really shows that he and my H are up to something which my H always denies.

And after that he told me again that he'll meet his friend again next week on the day where I have my schedule with my coach. I didn't get it. Because at first he complained why I almost always out with my friends and he said that he has the feeling that I don't want to spend time with him.
I respected that and I thought it's a good sign that he's also trying to work things out with me. So i make sure that if I make appointments with my friends I see to it that he's my priority first. After that I didn't make any appointment yet, until we quite solve this

He told me why I can't be happy with him if he's meeting his friend.

Is this kind of jealousy? Am I jealous with this?

Please help me...






thanks

hi
i would appreciate your help and advices and thoughts about my situation.

I'm really having a hard time to understand:-(



I don't know how to react every time my H is communicating with his friend. Shall I just leave it like that?

I'm thinking to talk to his friend, to give another chance. If he will refuse and if he will treat me rudely, then i'll tell my h about it.

Please help:-(

Hi the communication of my H with his friend hurts me all the time & makes me sad if i see, hear that he's talking to him. What shall i do? Shall i confront him about this or just ignore him the way he treats his friend. What hurts me more is when he talks to him, he pretends that he was not talking to him & he just ignore me. Before he usually shares to me everything. His reason why he's not telling me anymore is because he said I'll get angry. I don't know what to say. It seems they are making their own excuse & use it as a reason.

I need your thoughts on how to react on this? Please thanks..

It seems that, no one replies for advises here

Need some help. How do you react on situation like this?

Any thoughts please

hi again
still expecting for your advises and help and thoughts.

the last 4 week we had a great time with my H. He was very helpful because I was preparing for some test.
But just last Mon we had quite an argument again.

Before that last week we had our session with our couple therapist. So far it went fine. I also noticed that after the 1-on-1 session of my H with our couple therapist he was quite nice to me and also he started to talk again. I really enjoyed it because we were back to old times again. Our coach suggested that we have to do a heart to heart talk every week 2x/week. But there is a condition, if one of us talk then one should just listen and no comments and no judgements or whatever, we can clarify but no reasons to give just listen. The coach told us that we have to say all what we have inside, everything and the other one should just listen. The purpose is so that we will develop on how to communicate w/o arguing.
We agreed and said that we will try that.

Not until last Mon we had quite a discussion again. It was just because I saw him that he was surfing on the net about the brand of the shirt he bought in TH. I felt upset again. I know if I say that I'm upset again, he will think that I'm controlling him. So what I did, I helped him searching it over the net. And he told me that it's no problem. Because it's not really important. I also made a comment that "I didn't know that he likes TH products now".

Most of the shirts he bought from TH was for me strange, because it was not his taste before. And I really don't like them. I already told him one time that the other shirt looks big on him and it looks ugly. But he just acted as if he didn't hear me. So I didn't mind. I just see how he gave so much importance from all the things he brought there.

And last Mon, I was quite over reacting maybe because of our history. So I told him that he looks like "homeless" if he wears those shirts because it doesn't really fit for him. 2 of them were huge. I know I hurt him and I also asked sorry. But now he started not to talk to me again. He's just kind of sarcastic in dealing with me. And that hurts me as well.

Anyway, tomorrow we are going to have our talk and I'm not sure if I'll tell him the things I read from his prevMail.

Any advise?Thanks

Sorry I haven't been following this thread, and it sounds like you need some advise...

Are you guys spending 20 hrs of UA together?

Are you meeting his EN's? If so what are his top 5?

You never want to criticize your husband, ok? Never talk negative about him, if you dont like the shirt then don't say anything, say something like..."I love how you do your hair like that...I think it's soo sexy!" Compliment on something YOU DO like on him. All you are doing when you judge him is taking $$ out of his LB$ got it? Even when you are in public praise him! Or when you are with your friends, only speak positive about your husband.

Once you know his top 5 EN's and are meeting them, and not criticizing because his shirt is ugly on him, then eventually he will come around, if not, then there are steps on here such and plan A and plan B you can do to help.

SO in the mean time...you need to PLAN A your husband

Good luck!

thanks Sapphire for the advise and for the reply.

Yes I should have said it in a different way. Maybe I became rebellious with what is going on between us, because he seems not to understand me.

That's the problem, if I want to criticize him, I usually say it in a nice way. But if he commented on me, he usually say negative stuffs and sometimes I just don't care those, just ignore. But later its like piling up because it's hurting me.

Maybe I reacted that way, because I want him to feel how to be hurt if he do that on my side. Anyway, I think it's so far ok.

Yesterday, we had our first talk and it was very heavy.

He's still very positive to support his friend all the time. He wants that the 3 of us will be friends again, because he wants that he will go with his friend next year again to Thailand. He told me that, it makes him sad that I don't trust him. He said, that its also good that every year, we will have a separate holidays.
He don't understand why I can't see that...
I told him I'm very hurt how he put greater amount of faith with his friendship than with our marriage. He said that it's not true. He's hurt that I'm accusing him that he doesn't love me. I told him that if our marriage is important for him, he's not going with me in our counseling and fight for this problem : How can we have a separate holidays every year?
I told him part of my hurt aches and we stopped. For me it was good, because he was able to hear what I wanted to say before.

We don't have this 20 hrs UA. Not really sure what's the content of this 20 hrs UA.

What we usually do on the weekends, meet friends and groceries together, sometimes watch movies together after work, go on coffees, sometimes cook and clean together, and have dinner together. We are also working at the same co but different dept. So we travel together every morning but I only work 3 times a week.

Can this be classified as 20 UA?

I asked him what are the things I need to do in order to satisfy him. He said that there is none. He told me that everything is perfect, unless if I don't overreact.

But I only behave like this, because the way he approach the things sometimes. He told me that if I have bad feelings I have to tell him right away, not later. I learned that from him. So everytime I see or if he does something which upsets me, I usually tell him. Which makes him emotional as well because he can't understand sometimes why I'm acting like that.

Can this be classified as LB?

I wanted to do Plan A but don't know where to start.

How can you do this?

Thanks

OK, first of all, just because he criticizes you doesn't mean you can do it back, that will back fire, especially if you are trying to repair this marriage. When he does criticize you, give him a compliment RIGHT AFTER! example....

H: "That skirt makes you look fat"

W: "I love it when you wear my favorite watch! Want some pancakes?"

I know it's still going to hurt you, but you are supposed to be in plan A right now. Have you read the carrot and the stick of plan A? If not read it

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1640788&page=1

Also 20 hrs of UA consists of just you and him together, no kids, no friends, no TV, (that includes movies).

Here is what my husband and I do for the 20 hours of UA

1.Read together...we read out loud together, we take turns on chapters

2. Projects around the house and yard

3. Date nights, we usually do something fun like dinner, then we might hit the book store walk around looking at some other books we want to read together, or take walks after dinner, etc...

4. He will come home for lunch for an hour, and we talk about each others day so far.

As long as there is something distracting you or him...it is not part of the undivided attention.

Talk to your husband about the 20 hours of UA.

Thanks Sapphire for your suggestions.

I wanted to talk to him about this 20 UA, but after our second talk last week, I felt it was not really important to him.

We decided to have the talk by 4:30pm & 1 min after he decided to tell me that he wants to go to the drugstore & get the medicine gift for his friend. I said it's ok. I was quite disappointed because it's supposed to be our time, otherwise we should change the time. So I waited for him & we started 5pm.

He started the talk & he said that he has nothing to say anymore. He said he was quite sad because he feels like he was not being heard of his explanations. He told me that what I said from our last talk he already heard that many times & nothing changed. But he mentioned that it was stupid of his friend to write that email or that joke email. And then after 3 min he said he has nothing to say anymore.

I also felt that he's not interested & i told him that it hurts me if he's not talking to me normally. Esp after the talk he was quite cold & i can feel the tension. But then, i also said that the talk doesn't have meanings for him otherwise we should be spending time together instead of meeting our couple friends.

So the talk last only for 12 min & it was finished & we parr ways because he's going to meet our couple friends.

Sometimes i don't have energy anymore. I'm tired of feeling confused & being unappreciated all the time:-(

i'm afraid that one day, i just stop of caring all of these.

Now in 2 weeks he's meeting his friend again. I suggested that if he wants he can do it monthly,, & he said that's a good idea. I told him that im not happy about that. Because it still hurts me how he treat his friend special rather than to our marriage:-(

I know i cant stop him seeing his friend but i'm very hurt:-(

i don't know what to do????

Hi again, you suggested that I should be doing plan A now.

I noticed that H, is very reserved.
I was advised by our coach as well, to do some things for myself alone!

I realized that the more i do it, the more H is getting close to the male friend and that hurts me more.

And if I'm nice to him, he usually responded so cold to me and as if sometimes I don't exist.

Is it a sign that I should go?
I'm hurt how he's unhappy when we're together, talk to him many times but always said that he's fine.

He just don't understand why I will not let him go again with his friend to Phuket. Now he's making "diving" a reason to go back there.

I already said no that at the moment, I don't want us to have a separate holidays :-(
He told me that I'm controlling him and he felt that I'm possessing him.

How can I start plan A?
Please help
thanks:-(

I know plan A in your situation will be really hard, just keep at it for 4 more weeks, if he still doesn't change, then you should start plan B, just remember do not LB or AO.

Just keep trying, don't try to upset him, even if it does hurt, if he wants to go out then you go with him, no matter how angry you are with it, just go and pretend to have fun.

If he says "K i'm going out for awhile."

Say "OK, hold on let me grab my purse and put some lipstick on." or something so he knows you'll be coming with him.

Next thing you need to do is get another IC, you should be spending time with your husband.

Just remember plan A is not for ever, and there is a ending date.

Just do your best, if you think you did your best and you can't go any further with that plan then start preparing yourself with plan B.

Have you read about plan B? Have you got your letter written?

Keep going Maryanne, we know you can do it, trust me plan A and plan B is not suppose to be easy.

Hi Sapphire,thanks for your reply.
I started doing Plan A, last week.
I tried not to upset him. But it seems, he always wanted to upset me. Sometimes, I don't know anymore, if he also pretends to be with me.
It's a week now that we didn't have arguments. But I can sense that he's not still open with me.

Yesterday we almost had an argument but I tried not to, I feel like I'm walking inside an eggshell and trying to be careful of what I say and what I feel towards everything:-(

And sometimes it's not fun anymore-(

I tried to organize activities for the 2 of us, it seems that he's not looking forward to it. I wanted to react but I said no.

Yesterday he told me that he already made an appointment with his male friend that they're meeting once a month & it's already fixed.

I was quite upset because if I would like us to things together he always said "let's see"...

I don't understand why ????
it confuses most of the time:-(

he's always cold of everything when it comes to us.

how can i let him understand how i feel?

tomorrow we'll have a talk again just the two of us and i'm not sure where the talk is going? :-(

i always feel scared:-(

Now here is my plan A:
1) I tried not to react even if it's hurting me, if he's meeting his friend or if he's writing to him secretly & talking to him secretly

2) I don't argue with him anymore, if he said something what he likes to do

3) I asked him most of the time, if he's feeling ok & he's usual response, "yes" although i know he's some things on his mind

I don't know what else I can do.

He told me last time on our last talk that he given a lot of his time to me & now he wanted to look for his individuality.

Does that mean that I also step back for awhile and do his thing?

Thanks