Well then...it sounds like your husband doesn't want to set up some new boundaries to protect the marriage, good for you, BAD for the marriage.

This is now up to you my dear, are you willing to place boundaries to protect your marriage, so you don't get into another EA? Or possibly a PA with his friend?

If you don't set boundaries to protect your marriage then we will either see you again or your husband on this forum, this time it wont be a EA.

GOOD LUCK!

I say give him a day or two to allow what you told him to sink in. His attitude is likely to change, now that you've indicated that his friend is now in "competition" with him for your attention. In the meantime, it's time for you to start executing your NC plan with that friend of his.

Yes you must go NC with this OM. Just cut him out.

You husband is in bigtime denial, and is very ignorant about the anatomy of an affair.

But, don't blame him. Most of us were just as ignorant before it happened to us. Heck, I didn't even know there was such a thing as an "Emotional Affair". It is definitely worlds different than him thinking one of your girlfriends is cute or hot.

I agree with the others in that you must go no contact with this other man and find the strength to do all this on your own. Go ahead and write the NC letter and give the OM and your husband a copy. Politely decline to go anywhere when the OM is going along with your husband. If he comes to your house, leave before he gets there.

Your husband will see how seriously you are taking this issue and start to see the gravity of the situation.

He thinks you view this friend as someone as someone you'd like to sleep with if you were still single. From a man's point of view, I run into dozens of women every day that fit that bill. Doesn't mean I'm lusting after them or have an emotional attachment already, or that I would even be tempted.

Self admittedly your case is much different. There is already a fairly deep emotional attachment and the physical part is inevitable if nothing is done. I don't think you've done a good enough job impressing that upon your husband.

Fullmoon,

I agree with the previous comments. Many, if not most people, consider an affair to be physical and do not consider the steps before sexual contact to be an affair.

Did you share the 15 steps of an affair with your H and tell him that you were up to considering step 9? I certainly wish my H shared with me his beginning steps down the "slippery slope".

AM

In your first post on this thread you said:


Is this what you told your H, or did you only tell him about your deep attraction?

There is a big, big difference.

Why don't you tell him that you do not want to be an adulterer but in your mind you already are and that you desperately need his help and his protection right now to help you avoid that very real possibility?

That is a good point! have you told your H that you love this man?

If not, then your husband doesn't know the extent to your EA.

Also, did you relate to your H that OM was reciprocating by making comments to you?

Question:

You say you have a renewed interest in your sex life and have become almost insatiable (I'm sure your husband likes this). Have you ever in even the smallest part, thought of the OM while you've been with your husband? Have you ever imagined it was him you were with and not your husband?

If you have, you might want to let your husband know that.

DeltaDr, Thank you for reminding me of what I wrote on that first post: "...I feel that I love him."

There is a reason that people have to "get caught" in A because it was excruciating trying to get the words out of my mouth. BH doesn't consider this an A at all. The *only* thing he considers an affair is Step #15. Of course, that's good for me. I get to experience all the "euphoric feelings" of being around OM with no consequences and no guilt. If BH doesn't believe it's an A, and he is the primary barometer of whether or not my marital behavior is acceptable, then I don't have to think it's an A (for our relationship). Each relationship is different, right?

Well, okay...so I'm not quite that naive. I am happy he didn't bite my head off as I struggled...and I'm happy to have cleared my mind of this little "secret" (that, evidentally, was no secret...as he didn't even blink when I told him). I appreciate you helping me tell him. (FYI: I didn't go into brutal detail as he told me not to tell him...and I breathed a sigh of relief...)

Schtoop, I agree with your suggestions to decline to go anywhere with them and leave when he comes over. I will not send him any email. I previously removed myself from FB as I found myself alternately agitated by OM and posting poetry *WTF!?@!?* on FB. (<-- That was almost 6 months ago.)

But my H may have a point??? What if we all could be in such control of our emotions (as my H is). Maybe we wouldn't have or acknowledge a such thing as an EA??? Maybe that would help our M???

Sounds to me you don't want to set any boundaries to help protect your marriage...sigh

All I can say at this point is good luck...and we will see you or husband in a year when the A turns physical! Or you finding another man, trust me it will happen.

I couldn't believe that I started having feelings for another man other than my husband, he (Husband) was everything to me! After the first EA, he didn't expose, I told him I wouldn't do it again, but guess what? I found someone else, and the 2 EA is the one that I decided to leave the M, thankfully my husband found this site before it got WAY WORSE!

So when it does happen, you can blame your husband (just like every other Wayward out there...including me!) because "he didn't care" when you first brought it up to him, so he was the one that enabled you to sleep with the OM, or find someone else.

Just remember that we warned you!

Sapphire, I absolutely do want to set boundaries. That was the point of the exposure. I've been on the MB site for less than 2 days and I feel that I have completed a very important step...and willing to do more.

Should I give my H details that he doesn't want? Should I push and push until he runs out to have an A of his own? You know what he said to me. "You know what could come of this? Luckily I'm not the sort of man who will be looking over my shoulder every time my friend comes over...or I didn't just leave the house in anger, go to a bar, drinking, and [censored] some girl."

I am considering your views, my H views, and my own views. I am trying to do the right thing...that's why I am here. I've never discussed my feelings with this man, touched this man inappropriately, kissed him...I am here to prevent that. And I think I'm going in the right direction.

I understand that your husband doesn't want to set any boundaries...that is fine...what I am saying is WILL YOU set your own boundaries to protect the family and marriage? You can have personal boundaries of your own you know, they don't have to be shared...for example for my personal boundaries...

I do not chat or talk to any other male friends unless husband is there with me.

I do not talk about my personal relationship with any other male friend.

I do not give out my personal information such as email, phone numbers, FB, etc to any male friends, even if they were friends from my child hood.

Those are just a few of my personal boundaries, my husband didn't tell me I HAD TO DO this, no, they were MY boundaries to protect MY marriage AND family

I am asking what are you willing to do to help your marriage so you don't end up in another EA, or end up having a PA with this man?

Yes!

Wanting to set boundaries and ensuring they are set NO MATTER WHAT are different. Your husband needs to understand that he will have to help you by allowing you to be accountable to him.

Taking precautions like Sapphire indicated above is advisable. Are you willing to put these precautions in writing and present them to your husband?

A couple posters asked if you printed out the "Anatomy of Adultery - 15 Steps of Unfaithfulness," showed it to your H and indicated to him which steps you've completed with OM.

Have you?

FM. Something is wrong here. I find it difficult to believe your H won't address this. He's burying his head in the sand and you've got to help him unbury it. If you don't you or he WILL end up in a PA. I tend to believe you when you say you want to tutn this around. But you can't bury your head in the sand along with your husband. It's good you are starting to put in place the NC issue but at the same time you can't ignore the conflict between you and hubby. It may seem like there wouldn't be a conflict when you ignore this but it's there, under ground, just waiting to surface. Conflict avoidance won't work. It's got to be surfaced and addressed.

You're doing well and I hope you continue in this direction but have you considered ALL the possible reasons your H is avoiding addressing this? Have you asked him why this doesn't seem to be a big deal?

Maybe he is not soo big on the idea because he too has fantasies about OW. Most men do. So they do not think this is a big deal.
The big deal, that IMO, only FM can deal with is the fact that she interacts with OW in the absence of her H. It is also that she has allowed herself to keep the fantasy about OW alive by fueling it daily.
The solution is pretty simple: do not see OM, especially alone and do not think about him. Period. At the beginning it will be hard but then, as NC is established, it will be easier.
Just talk to OM and tell him that you never want to see him again and that he will be wise to help you do this.

blessing

If this is the approach your husband takes to you admitting you are in an EA, then your marriage stands no chance. Either you will have another A or continue to escalate this affair with his "blessing," or he will have his own affair because he does not recognize proper marital boundaries. Either way, I don't see your marriage getting better. You might want to sit down with him and ask him to participate in a marriage builders program with you (reading the books, filling out the EN and LB questionnaires, spending 15 hours undivided time together and affair proofing your marriage). If he just blows it off, I would venture to say you probably won't be married 20 years from now. Some guys won't do anything until divorce is staring them straight in the face.

I have a BAD feeling about this. I could be wrong but I suspect your husband isn't being truthful with you. I have close friends who had husband's like your husband saying they would never have an A and they were disgusted by those who did. Then the poor wives are floored when this same man had an A.

Also, FM, allow me to say this and I hope you are not offended. But I think you have a wayward mind and attitude in that you easily fall for OMs. YOu said this is the first time but this does not mean anything. I am 45 and in whole my life I only had 2 men. While with them, I have never engaged into friendship with OM. Now I am in plan B and had a couple of guys interested in me, however I did not go out with them nor gave them any hope.
I am giving you this example because being unfaithful, to me, is a predisposition. I am sorry but it is. You have to be cut out for it especially when, like in your case, your H is nice, upbeat and loves you. He gives you no reason to betray him.
My WH is just like you, he indulged in fantasies about OW all the time and now the M is destroyed.
H was bored and he needed excitement.
Are you bored? If so, find an interest that fullfils you. Affairs are very unlikely to give you anything you will feel good about having accomplished nor are the answer to personal growth.
Go back to school, get another degree...keep active mentally. Do not keep your mind occupied with OM.
Keeping your mind occupied with OM tells me only one thing: you are bored out of your mind: who would want to do such a stupid thing if one was happily married?
blessing

That's what I suspect too. He's either had his own fling, he's currently involved in one, or now he thinks the way is clear for him to do what he wants.