As advised by MelodyLane and others on this board, I called my IC's office and cancelled all future appointments. IC called me back and was very concerned that I canceled the appointments. I told him that I felt like my IC was focusing way to much on the past and not allowing me and H to move forward. I needed a break to just focus on my marriage. He said that I had much more work to do on the sexual abuse issues. I told him that if we got our marriage to where it needed to be and there were still sexual abuse issues, then I would deal with them at a later time. That right now I needed a break to just work on my marriage relationship. He said to call him whenever I was ready. I said I would if the need arose, and said goodbye.

H and I went to MC today with both of our books (SSA and HNHN) and told the MC today the new direction we wanted to take to get our marriage on track, and were prepared to discontinue MC, if necessary. We told him our concerns about stopping MC altogether, but that we were not happy with our lack of progress thus far. We really felt like we needed/wished we could fine a counselor that was on board with MB principles, because we really felt like this was the direction that we wanted to take to get our marriage back on track but still felt like we needed someone who could hold us accountable and help us do the program.

We can't really afford sessions with Dr. Harley and be able to do UA things. It would make things really tight financially, because any time we schedule UA time, we have to hire a babysitter because neither of us have family nearby for free babysitting, etc.

We both feel that many of our habits and patterns are so ingrained (through many YEARS of doing the wrong things) that we need someone that we can see face to face on a regular basis to really help us work the program and keep us accountable. Our MC was had heard of Dr. Harley's books, but had not really taken time to read them. As he skimmed through the books he agreed that this seemed like a good direction for us. I told him that there was a book for counselors that was written to show MCs how to incorporate the program into their counseling practices with couples. He said he would buy the book, read it, and help us do the program, and seemed very enthusiastic about it. So hopefully, we can keep paying our $15 insurance copay and get the accountability we need to recover our marriage.

Just an update...I'm getting more hopeful everyday! :-)

PG01

We can't really afford sessions with Dr. Harley and be able to do UA things

Our MC had heard of Dr. Harley's books, but had not really taken time to read them.

PG, there is a new book out for marriage counselors written by Dr Harley that would help your MC immensely. It is called Effective Marriage Counseling and it teaches counselors STEP BY STEP how to implement this program.

Bravo to you on your progress! I am happy to hear you are taking a more productive direction.

Hey, pgal, this sounds great! If at all possible, point your MC at this article, and ask him to help you in the three ways listed:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7100_counselor.html

* helping you navigate through the emotional minefields
* motivating you through the motivational swamps
* supplying creativity for you in the creative wilderness

You should read that article yourself, often, and if at any time you feel like your counselor can't do this, you need to leave him.

Also, I strongly suggest no matter what you do, start putting some money aside regularly to do Marriage Builders weekend in 2 years or so. (Currently the only option to do this seminar is through videos online, which you may find preferable anyway.) After the seminar you'll receive accountability coaching, a complete home study course, and access to Dr. Harley's private forum.

Can you afford the home study program?

its about the price of 1 session.

Also UA time doesnt mean out of the house time. Or costs money time.

What time does the child go to bed? If the baby is in bed at 8 then you can do 2 hours a night easy after the child is asleep.

You can talk, listen to music together, play cards, board games, read a book together. There are a ton of options.

[The home study course is not out of the question, but we would like to try this with our MC first...We have ordered the Five Steps to Romantic Love workbook and as soon as it gets here, we are going to dive into that. We also have read SAA and HNHN. Along with the workbook, I ordered the Basic Concepts DVD, Love Busters, and Fall in Love Stay in Love. We plan on reading and watching them all.

I would hope that the Effective Counseling book would have these principle guidelines in it since it is supposed to teach MCs how to counsel the MB way????

H and I started a savings account last week (with direct deposit of X dollars from our employer each pay period--we both teach in the same school district), so a MB weekend might be a viable option in the future.

pg, when H and I looked for our counselor, I actually asked him questions that were in line with Harley teachings: "Do you believe the BS should have all their questions answered? Do you think two people can fall back into love after an A? O&H? POJA?"

When I was sure he was on board with these concepts we began counselling. However, he was not overly helpful with us. I felt like WE were controlling the process, to the point where he was unnecessary. I suspect it was because he was 'okay' and 'agreed' with these concepts. I can't swear to you that he enthusiastically embraced Harley concepts.

We didn't counsel with him for very long. Looking back on it - I wish we'd counselled with the Harleys.

Yes, I think it does, some of it near word for word, in fact. But the article is a nice summary of some very important fundamentals that you should be aware of.


Yay!