Not really sure if this is the right place to post but I really need some help.
I am a married man who had a 2year affair. I was/am in love with this woman or at least I thought/think I am.
My wife found out and has had numorous conversations with the other woman, it was my wife that broke the no contact that was agreed a couple of times.
So we have been in no contact for 4 months and I am trying to rebuild my marriage. I have tried so hard to do the right thing by everyone, my family and the other woman who I treated very badly at the end but the guilt of how I treated her is killing me.
She is a strong woman and I know I have broken her, she has done everything I have asked. She has kept the no contact apart from when my wife broke it she sent me an e mail but other than that she has given me the space I have asked for to work on my marriage even though she is hurting so bad and is alone in all this.

Anyway, I just wondered if anybody else felt this kind of guilt? I am trying to work on my marriage but I just keep going over this in my head. I do love my wife but we had problems before my affair and I'm not sure we can get through this.

Obviously there is a lot more to all of this and I will be more than happy to fill in the gaps should you need more to help me out.

Somessed,

I presume your OW knew you were married right? I presume that you knew you were married right?

Now who led who astray, given that you both entered this mess with your eyes open?

Welcome to MB, I hope you do a lot of reading. The articles here will help you see things in a new perspective and they will help you rebuild your marriage.

You are too late for guilt. Guilt is a feeling that should have kept you from ever doing this. What you need to be feeling now is remorse. A similar feeling but one that leads to action rather than the paralysis that guilt often leads to.

Hang around you will get a lot of input. Some of it you won't want to hear, but given that you are still in withdrawal and focussed on your OW rather than your W, you should listen most closely to that you want to hear least.

JL

Thanks for you're reply, yes I know most of what I hear will probably make me feel worse.
I am putting everything I have into my marriage and believe me I have enough remorse to last me a lifetime.
The reason I am posting is because when I am with my wife and family I am giving my all, I won't lie to you the other woman is still in my thoughts sometimes but lately she is there more often, especially when I am alone and it's not that I want to see her or start the affair back up it is just the guilt of how I treated her.

Yes we both went into this with our eyes open and she pushed me away so many times over the 2 years we were together to sort my marriage out but it was mostly me who kept going back.
It was her that demanded no contact so I could see if my marriage could be saved without her in the picture.

I know I am weak and I know that I just can't put my family through anymore hurt but I also know that what I am feeling is not fair to anyone.

My wife is not a strong person and has always depended on me and I am not sure she could handle things if I left and I really don't know if that is why I am still here.

My head is so messed up and I'm not sure who I am looking after at the moment me or my family.

You have come to the right place for help.

Have you told your wife the whole truth? Do you willingly answer any questions you may have? I agree that she should not be contacting the OW, because I'm sure that only hurts your wife; however, I can see why she might think she could get answers from the OW if you are not forthcoming with the truth.

Do not feel sorry for the OW. She's a big girl, and I'm sure she knew you were married. She is not a "strong" woman, or she would NEVER have had an affair with a married man. Your guilt is misplaced.

Think about how you hurt your wife instead. What you and the OW did to your wife is the emotional equivalent to your wife being raped...and by someone she trusted with her life, at that. Your wife is the viction of you and the OW. Whre is your compassion for her?

I'm sure your marriage did have its problems before the affair, but having an affair was not the solution.

Send your wife here for help. If she is willing to post, stay off her thread, and she should stay off yours.

Call the Harleys for an appointment, if you can afford it.

In the meantime, NC means absolutely no contact with the OW in any shape, form, or fashion. That includes driving by her house or place of work, checking out her Facebook page (even if you don't post on it), associating with friends/coworkers who give you information about her, keeping stuff/cards/pictures that she gave you, and I would go so far as to say, don't even listen to the music you listened to with the OW. If you work with her, you need to find another job PRONTO!

Spend at least 15-20 hours per week, if not more, doing something enjoyable with your wife...with the two of you focusing on each other. Watching the boob tube doesn't count. Taking a short trip together, without any kids, would be good.

Answer each and every one of your wife's questions. Do not let the truth trickle out, because that just hurts her more. There should be NO SECRETS between you and the OW that your wife does not know, but how much she needs to know is up to your wife.

The lies are the worst thing.

Read everything on this site. Reading "Surviving An Affair" and "His Needs, Her Needs", both by Dr. Willard Harley.

You are pretty deep in the fog, so expect to get some 2x4's along the way. They will not be intended as insults, but to get you to see what you're thinking/saying/doing.

Again, introduce your wife to this site, so we can help her.

Oh, and I just saw your response to JL, where you said that your wife is not a strong person.

She may or not be, but the fact that she is still there shows that she has some strength.

My husband likes to pretend that I'm not a strong person, so that's why he's stayed married to me.

Gee, I've only dealt with being hearing-impaired all my life, losing two daughters at birth, enduring 6 miscarriages, raising two children, plus more...and I'm not a strong person???

Treat your wife with respect, and don't assume that she can't handle things...such as anything she may ask about your affair.

I had a lot of guilt about hurting the OM after my affair as well. I talked to a counselor, and he pretty much set me straight about it. He told me that the OM had chosen to get involved with a married woman, and there are no guarantees in a situation like that. Basically, when you enter into a relationship with a married person, you know what you are doing is wrong and that your actions are likely to hurt a lot of people, and you accept the risk of getting hurt yourself.

Your OW knew you were married (I'm assuming). She knew you weren't available. She knew she was stepping in on someone else's family and that her actions would be hurtful to a lot of people. You owe her absolutely nothing. She's a big girl and she knew what she was getting herself into.

The person you should be concerned about is your BW. What about all of the pain that you caused her? I see nothing in your post to suggest that you are remorseful or feel bad about that at all. And your BW did nothing, absolutely NOTHING, to deserve this pain. It doesn't matter if there were problems in your M before the affair. Of course there were problems. Very few content, happily married people cheat. But that is no excuse for what you did.

You are still very much in the fog of your affair, and that is why you are more concerned with the OW's feelings than you are with your BW's feelings. You are not going to be able to move forward until you realize this.

Messed up,
Welcome to MB! I only arrived here a couple days ago as the WW in an EA in my post "Calm before the storm." Seeing as how the "vets" on this forum are trying to kick me into shape *I say that with affection*, I can't advise you of anything. What I can say is that in a couple of days, I feel a h*ll of a lot better, a lot of support (even if they're insistent on me conforming to proper MB protocol *lol*), and I feel hopeful that I will overcome.

You will overcome, as well! These people have felt the A from the other side (admittedly, the most difficult side) and they mean business in getting us in shape. We'll thank them later.

You are not a "bad" guy. Obviously, you are trying to work it out or you wouldn't be here. So, I just wanted to drop by, stop talking about my d*mned self for a minute (*smile*), and say welcome.

I am here for moral support if you need.

The reason I said she wasn't a strong person is because she has taken meds for depression many time over the course of our marriage and when I was ready to walk she took pills to attempt suicide and I really don't know if I am here because I am worried of what she may do if I leave.

Please understand I do love her and I do regret having the affair and not facing up to the problems in my marriage.

I take full blame for the mess I have created and I am trying to do the right things to fix it.

I have told my wife everything and the other woman has also been totally honest with my wife when they spoke.

I am the kind of person that has always tried to help everyone and this whole thing has opened up a side of me I really didn't know existed!

I do want my marriage to work but what if this feeling stays with me forever, I sometimes feel like I am living a lie just to keep everyone else happy.

Well, heck, I've been depressed and had to take antidepressants several times over the years, including after I finally faced up to the fact that my husband had been a serial cheater for much of our marriage. Yeah, I even thought about suicide when I was down in the dumps so low that I couldn't see a way to get back up; however, I have grandchildren that I want to see grow up. I can't miss that! Besides, I sure as heck did not want any possibility of my WH possibly marrying some skank to bring around the kids and grandkids! I'm quite sure that he would have used the tragedy of having a wife commit suicide to gain the sympathy of some woman. I strongly suspect that he used the deaths of our daughters in this way.

As long as you hang on to any feeling for the OW, you are going to feel this way. When you think of the OW, call your wife to chit-chat for a few minutes, or go find your wife and give her a big hug and kiss, or play with your children. Distract yourself and get off the pity-pot!

It wouldn't hurt if you realize what we've been telling you...that your OW isn't some poor little innocent lamb who didn't deserve to be hurt, because she is NOT. She played with fire and should have known better.

That my friend is what we call fog babble.

What all have you read on this site?

Have you decided what to do to fix your marriage? Instead of just being in the marriage to make everyone else "Happy"?

This is making me ill....my Mom did this in an attempt to get my fathers attention....it's a desperate cry from a wounded soul...and you are the one responsible for it...can you not see that?

Your wife isn't weak...she is strong....she has survived being abused by you having a selfish affair...breaking every vow you ever made to her...you blew up your family with a nuclear bomb and your worried about how your having to "keep everyone else happy" at your expense!

Right now it's the least you could be doing...geez oh please...just reading what your W is suffering brings back awful childhood memories for me...do you have children? if so can you even imagine what it is like to know your Mom wanted to end her own life and leave you with a cheating Father?? It's frightening beyond any words I can say here.

Start thinking how you might be feeling if YOU were the one betrayed....and stop putting down your W or anyone else that may take meds for depression...it isn't a "weakness"...something to look down on in superiority....lot's of people who are strong and capable have gone on meds to cope with the horror of what others have done to them....soliders coming home from the war have many issues with it...are you sitting in judgement of them? are they too weak for you? or is this just reserved for your wife?

Not sure how to reply to single posts yet so I'll do my best to answer all...
I am putting my wife first and am open to her asking any questions she feels she needs to.
I am not in 'fog', far from it, I know exactly how I feel, I want to save my marriage if there is a marriage to save but my confusion is why I want to save my marriage?

Yes I do feel guilt about how I treated the other woman because she is a person to and I understand what you say, yes she is a big girl and knew what she was getting into but, like me she had no idea how this would end.

We both have said we imagined this would just fade out and we would be on our way. I know she was a mess when my wife kept on calling her but she never once stepped over the line, she has been dealing with all of this by herself and as much as I know I shouldn't care about how she is feeling I do.

My wife has me to put my arms around her when she is feeling low, she has me when the 'bad days' hit and I am glad I am there for her but this feeling of how I have just left the other woman to deal with all of this by herself when I was just as much to blame as she was.

I am not putting the other woman before my wife and I never will but this is the only place I can voice those feelings.

Sorry, but it really does sound like you are putting the OW first, the way you talk about her is DISGUSTING!!

Almost everything you are saying here is glaring evidence that you are indeed in a very thick and dense fog. The fact that you can't see it only confirms it all the more to those of us who have been there. I know what the fog looks like. I spent enough time trying to slog my way out of it. It can be done, but you aren't there yet.

The last thing on earth a foggy wayward should ever do is trust their own feelings. Feelings got you into this mess in the first place.

Why?
I am just trying to figure out what is going on in my head. Does it make me a bad person to feel bad for someone I helped to hurt??

I am with my wife, I have no contact with the other woman and I don't intend to but is it so wrong to ask if this is normal after a 2 year relationship with someone? affair or not there were feelings involved.

So does that work both ways, the feelings??

I am confused about why I am staying with my wife, I know I love her and it breaks my heart to see her hurting but then I have thoughts of 'am I here because I should be'??

I have no intention of running off the the other woman and if I'm honest she would probably tell me to take a hike anyway but I have thought about leaving my marriage before, years ago but stayed.

I know I am weak, always have been and I do love my family but am I here because its easier than leaving??

Feelings???????

Okay, but answer a few questions first:

How old are you and your wife?

How long have you been married?

Do you have any children?

It's kind of hard to know where you're at without much of a history of your marriage to go from.

Ok listen you were with this OW for 2 whole years knowing full well (both you and her) that you had a wife and kids at home, and yet you both didn't care when you slept together, and living this fantasy life. You and the OW are just selfish, right now she is probably with some other married man sleeping with him, and trying to ruin ANOTHER family.

And yes, you are still in a fog, I should know I was in it for 9 months! After my 1st EA I felt horrible, and felt soo bad because how bad I treated the OM, he knew I was married, and yet I still felt guilty for putting him through this. Guess what? A month later he found someone else!! That crushed me! It hurt soo bad I had to look for someone else (yes sick mind) so I did, I found another EA, after the exposure, after the thick fog started to lift. I didn't care one bit about that OM, because he knew I was married, he knew he was tearing apart a loving family, a family with a husband and two little boys. Did he care? NO! All they want is ONE thing, so why should WE care about their feelings??

After the fog lifted, I had NO withdrawal what so ever! Want to know why? Because I knew exactly what I had done to my family, and the remorse I felt was so strong that I didn't even THINK about that OM! Let alone feel "GUILTY" on what I had done to him. Screw him!! And SCREW HER!!

Sorry for the harsh words, but the emotions are still fresh in my mind since it has only been 5 months

That is wayward thinking....that just tells us that you do not have any remorse on what you did.