Yes I have read your link you posted.

what is making my situation so difficult is that I am not an innocent party in our seperation. I too have had an EA.

What I am struggling with is that we both agree that we want to work on our marrige and get back together, but WH is telling me to be patient.....for what? Is it my place to tell the OW about what has been going on? Is it normal to have so much anger built up against both WH and OW? I am all over the place. I am committed to making me a better person and working on our marriage yet he states he is not ready...

Would it be better for lovefear to ask her Husband this question?

"What do you want? It's either me or her? You can't have both!"

I suggest if he still wont give you an answer, then start working your plan A so you are prepared for plan B.

The OM was an old high school friend (not boyfriend). I reconnected with im through his brother who's daughter is friends with my daughter at school. I confided in him about how unhappy I was with my marriage. I always new he had a crush on me and took complete advantage of that. I wanted to feel good about myself again. It lasted for about 2 months. I started the affair in June of 09. I ended it in Aug of 09.

I have asked my H that exact question and his response was: "I want you, but I am afraid that things will go back to the way they were." I responded, "that if we want to make this work we can not be the same people. We just can't." He said that I need to be patient and it will all work out. How long do I wait? What do I do? I have read fireproof and even started the 40 day. I am trying not to be confrontational or negative, but I am physically sick over this.

I want to tell the OW so badly....

If this is the case, the start working plan A immediately! Followed by a plan B.

If I was in your situation, I would expose this to the OW

If this is the case, the start working plan A immediately! Followed by a plan B.

I am so fearful of losing what little conversation we have. What is the time frame to allow this to keep going? I am going crazy..

Plan A usually lasts for about 6-8 weeks for woman

Why is it different for men?

Women are usually not tough enough to go as long.

lovefear,

As well as reading Surviving an Affair, you should read every single word on this web site written by Dr Harley about infidelity. He provides several articles, and also copies of his correspondence with betrayed wives and betrayed husbands, giving them advice.

Your situation is not unlike the one described in What to Do With an Unfaithful Husband; Letter no.3. In that, the husband has been having a workplace affair for two years, and he refuses to end it. He says that he would like to fall in love with his wife again, but he does not believe that he can do so. Similarly to your situation, the BW (betrayed wife) writes "sometimes we do relax and have a great time but that seems to scare him and he gets depressed and withdraws again".

The BW is thinking of separating, and Dr Harley recommends that she uses Plan A first.

"I recommend a three step plan to you.

The first step is to be the very best wife you can possibly be. Do everything you can to meet his needs, and don't do anything to upset him. Set a period of time that you think you can do this without getting too upset, say, six months. Once in a while, tell him that you think both of you need a fresh start somewhere else".

If the affair does not end in that time, she should move out of the house, to another city or state, and preferably close to her family.

"If he does not respond to your kindness and respectful suggestions within that period of time you're ready for the second step: pack up yourself and your children and move near your family and friends for their support. It should be far away from his lover -- another city or even another state. Have absolutely nothing to do with him. Don't talk to him, don't see him."

Dr Harley recommends that she moves because if the marriage were to recover, they would have to move away from the area anyway, and H would have to find a new job. They would be unable to recover living anywhere near OW, and they would need to start their married life afresh.

On entering Plan B,

"let him know that the only way you will consider restoring your relationship with him, is for him to quit his job and move to where you are. From there you will start life over again. Be certain that your words and tone of voice communicate your care for him, not your anger.

Your husband is not likely to follow you right away after you've given him his ultimatum. He will try to develop a relationship with his lover first. But in the vast majority of cases, it doesn't work out because he needs both you and she. She meets some of his needs and you meet others. He will discover how much he misses you when he is with her.

In this article, he gives a suggested time of six months for Plan A. This was his standard advice for all BSs some years ago.

However, in a post on the private forum (which you can only access if you have completed the MB weekend course) he revised the time limit for women in Plan A. He suggested that as women's emotional health tended to suffer more quickly from trying to meet a WH's needs while he continues his affair, a woman should be in Plan A for only 3-4 weeks.

My reading of this article suggests that you should continue, or if you can, improve your Plan A for another 4 weeks at most. You should "be the very best wife you can possibly be" while living apart, and "once in a while, tell him that you think both of you need a fresh start", which would involve his moving OW out of your home. Do not nag him or get into fights about this. Do not argue against his claims that he needs time to do this and is wary of going back to you. Simply make your suggestions, listen respectfully to his answers, and let the subject drop.

After that maximum 4 weeks, you should enter Plan B, and "don't talk to him, don't see him". You must arrange for one or more intermediaries to pass messages between you about urgent financial or family matters, and to manage the children's visits. Plan B involves a lot of PLANNING, but I think you could discuss the precise plans in later posts.

For now, I think you need to read this article and gain a perspective about what you are trying to achieve in the longer term, and how to go about getting that.

Excellent post, SC! Here is his post about Plan A:

Hi LoveFear

I�m pretty new here so I won�t offer any advice. I just wanted to let you know that your story has a lot of similarities to mine. I was the first to stray in our M and my H told me he would fight for us to stay together for the sake of the family. When I moved out in Feb this year, he told me our M wasn�t over and he would still be waiting. But a couple weeks later, he started sleeping with a woman at his work and started up a relationship with her. I didn�t know about this new woman but he was still telling me he still had hope for us.

In my case, I ended up exposing to the OW and I think it was a pretty effective wedge to drive between them. He had lied to both me and her, but she had no idea and she was hugely upset and angry to find out. According to H she now hates him and won�t come near him, but I�m still facing the issue of them working together. I am trying to Plan A him while we are living apart and sharing custody of our kids. He also tells me that we probably be back together eventually and he just needs more time before he is prepared to work on our marriage.

Anyway, just wanted to say to hang in there and I will watch your thread with interest

Thank you for providing Dr Harley's post, Mel. I really must save it so that I can use it again!