There have been instances recently where I have tried to be open and honest with H about things/issues recently and he tells me that I broke the rule of protection because I hurt his feelings. A prime example of this is when I told H that I was not in love with him in therapy last week. I added to that statement, that I wanted to be, but as of now, I am not.

So where do you draw the line between honesty and openness and following the rule of protection??????? In the book "Boundaries," it says that if I am always worried about hurting others feelings, then I don't have appropriate boundaries myself. It also says that I am not responsible for their anger or hurt about my boundaries as long as I don't express them in a purposely hurtful way. I am responsible for setting my personal boundaries and keeping them. How he feels about my boundaries, is his problem (usually a combination of disrespect for my boundaries and the lack of boundaries in his life). I personally would rather be bitten temporarily by the truth, so at least I know what I need to fix or held accountable for. H doesn't seem to work that way and takes things very personally, seemingly to avoid having to solve a problem. So now, in fear of breaking the rule of protection, I withold being totally open and honest at times.

My husband is a professional avoider of conflict...and I am a professional of not being honest to avoid the negative reactions I get from him when I try to be honest and open about my feelings and problems in our marriage. In the past, when I have tried to be open and honest about things, I either get 1)No reaction (yes, he pretty much ignores me by walking out of the room, continuing to watch TV, play on the computer, etc.) or 2) He accuses me of attacking or trying to beat him down which turns into a big argument resulting in DJs and AOs. Now it seems like he sometimes plays the "rule of protection" card to avoid conflict, which keeps me from being open and honest.

Sooooo�how do we get around this hurdle????

Extra note: "Boundaries," is yet another book on my "read again" list...For the events of the past year have pretty much shown my lack of them, and need to establish them in my life.

But how can your husband know the basic problem if you don't tell him? While it is hurtful to hear that yuo are not in love with him, it would be MORE HURTFUL if your marriage went to hell and he didn't know why and was not given an opportunity to correct the problem.

Unspoken issues and dishonesty lead to a superficiality that prevents true intimacy.

The rule of protection does not extend to DISHONESTY. It doesn't mean that you withhold vital information from your H about your feelings. The rule of protection means you protect your spouse from angry outbursts, demands, etc.

NOT that you protect him from TRUTH. This is the Rule of Protection

A complaint is an irritation in a bad marriage and an opportunity for improvement in a good marriage. Your H should be GLAD that you told him the truth and are working so hard to FALL IN LOVE. ----->complaining in marriage<-------check this out

POJA is a Win-Win situation where everyone comes out happy, and it takes honesty to POJA correctly, even if at one point conflict occurs. How can you overcome issues by lying and avoiding conflict for your husbands sake? Either you, he, or both of you will resent the results.

The goal is to be Open and honest, and POJA so you are both happy. POJA about how to fall back in love. Then there is no need to lie if you are both in love.

I feel the need to add that I made this statement in therapy because I have problems with SF without the emotional connection/romantic love feelings. I participated in SF for years out of "duty" without emotional connection/romantic love for him and have developed an aversion to SF with my H. I said this to help him see a HUGE problem in our M that helped create the mess we are in. NOT to hurt his feelings. I want to be able to have SF with my H, but it's very difficult for me to do with this aversion, absence of emotional connection, and lack of romantic love for him.

I want to have these feelings for my H, and felt like he should know why SF is so hard for me. I was trying to be honest to help our situation...not hurt him. Because I have felt that some of his recent attempts to meet my ENs (usually ENs that are out of his comfort zone/or are not a habit for him to do) were motivated by his desire/need for SF, and if his efforts to meet an EN of mine didn't result in SF after the first few attempts, then the effort went out the window.

I can't be open and honest if he is going to wear his feelings on his shoulder and now play the "rule of protection" card if his feelings are hurt.

Harley states clearly "fix the relationship and the SF problems resolve themselves..." That's what I was trying to state in therapy...my problems with our relationship, so we could fix the SF problem because I know it is a huge need for him.

So in reality, he breaks the rule of protection by becoming angry and defensive when I am being honest...Correct????

Our marriage went to hell because of this very reason...except instead of correcting the problem, he said I was always trying to beat him down (which is what he is equates with the rule of protection now...that if I hurt his feelings, that I am not protecting him or our M).

bump...