I was also not trying to play devils advocate. I simply don't see the need for calling the other person names and make demeaning refernces towards them as a person. I don't see what that accomplishes.

Tom, if I may,

I think we just have to accept that there's a lot of shorthand used on this site ... the "good person"/"bad person"/"POSOW", etc. ... It slips off the fingers easily, for waywards as well as betrayed spouses. I think that for the most part, those of us who use these phrases are using them to characterize actions or conduct, not to pronounce judgement on souls.

The thing that Messed-up needs to get his head around is that being a "good person" (if there is such a thing) is neither here nor there. I was a "good man" for my entire marriage, until I went & had an affair. Messed-up's OW may currently be a "good person" -- or not -- by whatever subjective standard he's applying, but what's in no doubt is that her actions and motives during the affair (as well as his) were anything but good. And that's where he needs to focus, because once one see how lousy one's conduct has been, one stands a chance of fixing it going forward.

messed up,
I'm reading this thread and I'm thinking of what my situation is, my husband had an affair with his OW, she was married as well, both families have 2 children....
He also says he feels guilt about the OW's life now, her marriage broke up and one of her children has disowned her......We are trying to work on our marriage .......my point is the OW in my case knew what she was getting into and at any time she could have stopped or had some morals and never gotten involved in the first place, I often wonder what she thought was going to happen......did she honestly think that a marriage and a family would be worth giving up for her......My husband also says he knew he made a mistake the day I found out.....People in affairs only think selfishly and they really don't think about all the pain they cause a lot of innocent people......I think they actually think that having an affair is something everyone else will accept as the right thing to do, not so.....it's embarrassing for them and their families and it changes everything forever.
Why feel bad for someone who helped create all that pain....so they could be selfish....I think that she will just have to accept that what she did hurt others and so will you....
You love your wife, then love her, stop hurting her, stop being dishonest, start making all your decisions for her, respect her like you should have in the beginning....understand that you made a mistake and do something about it.....
That doesn't mean make her feel bad about your concern about the OW

Somessed,

Ok, let's call a spade a spade here shall we. You say you love your wife, but then you say
Are you seeing why people are telling you that you are "fogged over" here? You are NOT taking blame for this, in fact within this post is a classic excuse used by many WS' In short, it really isn't your fault, you are a good guy doing great deeds and "the devil made you do it."

You were not and you are NOT trying to help your family or your W. You are simply responding to guilt. If you ever KNEW what love is you have forgotten. It is not a feeling, love is an action and the question here is: Are you acting in a loving manner toward your W?

You were not acting in a loving manner toward her during your affair, in fact you were not acting in a loving manner toward your OW. You were getting your "feelings" massaged so you would fee better and so was the OW. She knew you were married, she knew affairs are bad and she had one with you.

Is she the devil incarnate? Nope. Is she a fine upstanding woman? Nope. You are married, you have children and you are focused on your own needs far more than your W. Very typical of someone one fogged up.

When you say you have not been in contact with OW are you saying no communications of any sort, no sightings, no waves, no NOTHING? If not, you are not in No Contact with her.

Please read the articles here.

JL