Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 7 of 7 1 2 3 4 5 6 7
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 306
E
Member
OP Offline
Member
E
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 306
Thanks YEG.

I just hope new friend does not feel like she should "fix" POSOW and WH's friendship. Right now I am carrying that worry with me. I have no idea about this person's personality. Hopefully she will respect what my husband said and that will be the end of it.

I guess I should start looking forward to the beach tomorrow instead of worrying about this right now.


Me - BS
Him - WS
Discovery 3/26/10
NC letter mailed 5/27/10
NC letter recieved 5/29/10
My Thread

Recovery may not be an option. Seriously looking a plan B/D
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 306
E
Member
OP Offline
Member
E
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 306
We had a good time at the beach on Friday. We got to enjoy watching DS explore the sand and waves.

Saturday was family reunion, so we were both stressed to the max when we finally left.

Sunday: got an email from WS new friend. She seemed to misunderstand WS's request and seemed to be informing him that should she hear something for POSOW she would let him know what was up.

WS ended up replying to her email that he did not want to know anything about POSOW. That he had ended and affair with her in March and now wanted nothing to do with her. That he and I are trying to work to fix the problems in our marriage.

I think he is showing a lot of accountability by reacting like that.


Me on the other hand, I am still having days I just want to walk away. We tried to SF last night, but I kept seeing images of POSOW and WS in my mind. Every time we would get close to enjoying ourselves, I would have those images pop into my mind. After the third round I finally gave up and settled on snuggling with WS.


I explained that I was having unpleasant images (not what the images were of) and that it was interfering in the mood. I explained that I am having trouble right now, because even though I see that he is doing everything I have asked (and then some) to mae things better, I need to feel like the only woman in his heart. And at this point, I just don't feel that.

Is it that we don't have enough UA time? Is that why I am still having so much trouble? Lately when we do have some UA time, either I fall asleep and/or we end up watching TV. I understand that is not they way to make things better. What can we do to bond, that will not involve leaving the house (typically UA time is after DS is put in bed so leaving the house is not really an option atm.)

Also I have been looking at picking up a book like 101 nights of great sex, to try to kick start the SF back and give me another focus so that images won't leak into my mind.


Any other suggestions? Please help.


Me - BS
Him - WS
Discovery 3/26/10
NC letter mailed 5/27/10
NC letter recieved 5/29/10
My Thread

Recovery may not be an option. Seriously looking a plan B/D
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
UA time is crucial. Even people with recovered marriages claim that their LB gets depleted without the LB deposits UA gives.

Do you and your WH enjoy any card games? Board games? Do you have an Xbox, PS or Wii? I have thought about what I would do with WH if/when he came home. Those are some of the things I have come up with. It is harder to get UA in when you have small children but it is most definitely NOT impossible.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
Scotland #2397967 06/29/10 09:56 AM
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 306
E
Member
OP Offline
Member
E
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 306
We tried something different last night: cards

WH has never really learned to play poker, so I tried to intrigue him with a game last night which lead into SF.

And shortly after SF: I felt the need to get on the laptop and he felt the need to play video games (single player).

I have found that when I start getting uncomfortable, I bury myself into the laptop. I guess so I don't have to deal with what I am feeling.

However, I brought up to WH that I was upset with the gaming. He is not doing it much atm, but during the A, his gaming acted as a barrier to keep me out.

I ended up telling him how resentful I was of the gaming. That while he was having his A, I spent almost a full month waiting for him to join me in our M bed, waiting for SF. And during that time he was downstairs gaming. At the time I thought I was being a good wife, giving him space, allowing him to indulge in his games without nagging, but at the same time I was sacrificing my needs to do that, so I am resentful of it now.

I ended up telling him that his gaming had made me feel like it was more important than I was. When he games, he feels like he HAS to get to the next save point before he can cut it off, regardless of what else is going on around him. To which he pointed out the amount of time I am on the laptop (again). And I agreed that I do spend too much time hiding on the laptop, however I pointed out that when someone tells me we need to go do something, I will immediately put it away regardless of what is going on. I pointed out that I had done that on numerous occasions, because even though I am hiding in the laptop, I realize it will still be there when I get back.

At one point I tried to stop the conversation because I felt DJed from him. I also realized that to a point I was probably being judgmental as well. Since he was not seeing an AO he did not understand why I wanted to stop the conversation. I had to explain that DJs were also love busters.

Was I trying to run from the conversation, probably. I am full of anger and resentment and trying not to LB. However I think that is one of the first real conversations we have had in a very long time.

Last edited by ElunaInNC; 06/29/10 10:06 AM.

Me - BS
Him - WS
Discovery 3/26/10
NC letter mailed 5/27/10
NC letter recieved 5/29/10
My Thread

Recovery may not be an option. Seriously looking a plan B/D
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986
Quote
And shortly after SF: I felt the need to get on the laptop and he felt the need to play video games (single player).


You do realize this was your mistake, right?

If the laptop and his video games are mutual IB, they need to go... for both of you. That's not to say you can't return to them later on down the road, but at this critical stage, they need to go.

It takes 3 days to learn a new habit (or something like that) so the next time this urge hits you (both of you) go for a walk outside (even if its midnight and raining - more romantic anyway!), go to the kitchen and cook omlets together, give each other a shower, you get the idea.

Change your old habits.


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists. Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 306
E
Member
OP Offline
Member
E
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 306
Originally Posted by princessmeggy
Quote
And shortly after SF: I felt the need to get on the laptop and he felt the need to play video games (single player).


You do realize this was your mistake, right?

If the laptop and his video games are mutual IB, they need to go... for both of you. That's not to say you can't return to them later on down the road, but at this critical stage, they need to go.

It takes 3 days to learn a new habit (or something like that) so the next time this urge hits you (both of you) go for a walk outside (even if its midnight and raining - more romantic anyway!), go to the kitchen and cook omlets together, give each other a shower, you get the idea.

Change your old habits.

Yes I did realize this. That is part of the reason I have been making a concerted effort to close the laptop and leave it closed when it is UA time as of late.


Me - BS
Him - WS
Discovery 3/26/10
NC letter mailed 5/27/10
NC letter recieved 5/29/10
My Thread

Recovery may not be an option. Seriously looking a plan B/D
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 306
E
Member
OP Offline
Member
E
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 306
So my car is broken. WH and I are planning on trying to fix it this afternoon.

Since it is the waterpump that has gone out, we decided to carpool into work this morning so that the car will be ready when we get home to fix it.

I took that opportunity to talk with WH. I have been feeling very wayward lately. I have noticed both my actions and thoughts are not even close to those from several months ago. Since I do not want my wayward thoughts to continue, I decided to practice RH this morning.

He told me that he understood. That he was not upset with me feeling this way. He views this as I would never have had these feelings if he had not had the A.

I told him that his reaction hurt me, because it made me feel like he did not want to fight for our M. It felt too accepting. I did not feel like he was even a little worried that I may follow his footsteps and A.

I told him that I wanted him to also fight for me. To show me that he actually wants to be here with me. That I have not been feeling that and that I am wondering now what it would be like to have a guy who would fight to keep me.

Not trying to rub salt in his wounds, just trying to get him to realize that I feel like these feeling are threats right now. That this is not something to just ignore. I have put several EPs in place and put up my own boundaries to stop myself from straying, but the draw is stronger each day. I don't want to be this way. I want my husband, and my M. I need to keep focused on that, but each day I have more LB$ depleted than deposited frown

I am being honest with him, I just hope he steps up soon. Otherwise who knows what will end up happening.

Last edited by ElunaInNC; 07/02/10 06:24 AM. Reason: spelling

Me - BS
Him - WS
Discovery 3/26/10
NC letter mailed 5/27/10
NC letter recieved 5/29/10
My Thread

Recovery may not be an option. Seriously looking a plan B/D
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 306
E
Member
OP Offline
Member
E
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 306
Any thoughts here?


Me - BS
Him - WS
Discovery 3/26/10
NC letter mailed 5/27/10
NC letter recieved 5/29/10
My Thread

Recovery may not be an option. Seriously looking a plan B/D
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 306
E
Member
OP Offline
Member
E
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 306
Got the car fixed on Friday. Afterward I asked for his USB to look through it. I found an email that he had sent to OW before I found out. I read some of it (not all of it) and the contents really hurt me.

I ended up get very angry and upset. I was ready to walk. However due to finances and obligations we had to pack up the car and head to MD for the weekend. On the trip up, we took some time to talk.

I am still trying to get the issue of why he chose me over her straight. I don't know why it is important to know, I just know that it is for me.

We ended up spending several hours over the weekend talking about that very subject. Although I am closer than I have been to that answer, I still am not sure. However the hours of genuine conversation has actually helped deposit into the LB$.

We also talked about a post-nup with the only stipulation being IF he has another A.

Baby is with the inlaws for the rest of the week so maybe we can get some RC in this week too.


Me - BS
Him - WS
Discovery 3/26/10
NC letter mailed 5/27/10
NC letter recieved 5/29/10
My Thread

Recovery may not be an option. Seriously looking a plan B/D
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 306
E
Member
OP Offline
Member
E
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 306
Oh forgot to mention, we met up with one of our friends while we were in MD. He is one of the "Friends" I exposed to about the A.

The three of us went to a movie on the 4th, and being a typical woman I had to make a pitstop before leaving. Apparently during that time, our friend called my H out on his wayward behavior. Told WH that he needed to realize how special I am and he needed to do everything in his power to fight to keep me and our M.

It is nice to have the support of real friends. Those who will tell you when you are being an idiot. Those that will tell you to fix what is broken. Hoping that WH really does understand.


Me - BS
Him - WS
Discovery 3/26/10
NC letter mailed 5/27/10
NC letter recieved 5/29/10
My Thread

Recovery may not be an option. Seriously looking a plan B/D
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 306
E
Member
OP Offline
Member
E
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 306
Getting frustrated!

Whenever I try to talk to WH about anything involving feelings, I tend to get 1-4 word answers. When we talk about anything else, loads of information.


I know WH is not comfortable discussing feelings, but I feel like I am pulling teeth to get any information. I am so frustrated that at times I feel like I want to throw in the towel.

I told him about how frustrated I am. I tried to explain it to him like this......


If I was to look at him and just say the word "grass" and leave the conversation. That word provides very little information, other than subject. There is no context in which to view the word. Whereas if I said "The grass is looking a little yellow today" there would be more information.



Please help! How do I get him to communicate without having to pull teeth? How can I get him more comfortable talking about this stuff?


Me - BS
Him - WS
Discovery 3/26/10
NC letter mailed 5/27/10
NC letter recieved 5/29/10
My Thread

Recovery may not be an option. Seriously looking a plan B/D
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 1,144
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 1,144
Hello, Eluna. I noticed you talking to yourself this week and read your thread, hoping to offer you something. I�ll try.

First, please recognize that you are so early into recovery that not even your FWH�s total and swift rejection of OW is helping right now. Your trauma is still fresh, and there are no shortcuts past it. In addition to the work you and he are doing, you�re going to need TIME to process everything and get your marriage in a better place by meeting ENs, avoiding LBs, and using the POJA, over many months. Doesn�t happen overnight. Takes a couple of years to build (or rebuild) a good marriage. The new habits you create must be for a lifetime to KEEP that marriage strong.

If you�ve read much here, you know that recovery is a rollercoaster, and it whips around pretty violently at first. I think you�re expecting too much of yourself, too soon.

You may be expecting too much too soon from your H, too. It�s HARD for him to express how he feels�it was before the affair, remember? NOW, he�s got the guilt and the shame on top of his original difficulty. Every time he thinks about it, he cringes inside. Talking about it makes him feel worse, even though that�s what he needs to do, for your sake. Be patient. Give him time, too. My H felt all those things, but it was many months after D-Day before he could make himself verbalize it. Even then, it was in short, awkward statements. Being a BS myself, I believe it�s the harder position to be in, because we had no say�our WS�s garbage was just dumped on us. But it�s no picnic being a WS, either. Read some of their threads and see. Just because your H isn�t saying those things, doesn�t mean he isn�t feeling them, or feeling miserable about them.

Originally Posted by ElunaInNC
I have been feeling very wayward lately. I have noticed both my actions and thoughts are not even close to those from several months ago. Since I do not want my wayward thoughts to continue, I decided to practice RH this morning.

He told me that he understood. That he was not upset with me feeling this way. He views this as I would never have had these feelings if he had not had the A.

I told him that his reaction hurt me, because it made me feel like he did not want to fight for our M. It felt too accepting. I did not feel like he was even a little worried that I may follow his footsteps and A.

Can you not see his guilt here, Eluna? He's allowing that it was HIS actions that put wayward thoughts into your head. He is accepting responsibility for YOUR FEELINGS. (Truth is, though, this is YOUR stuff. And yours to deal with. He can't "prevent" you from having an affair any more than you could prevent him from having one.)

What would it look like for him to "fight" for you? What is it, exactly, that you want him to do?

Originally Posted by ElunaInNC
I have put several EPs in place and put up my own boundaries to stop myself from straying, but the draw is stronger each day. I don't want to be this way. I want my husband, and my M. I need to keep focused on that, but each day I have more LB$ depleted than deposited

I am being honest with him, I just hope he steps up soon. Otherwise who knows what will end up happening.

Glad you have put EPs in place for yourself, but I have to ask: What is it that is depleting your LB$? Is he hurling love busters at you? Or are you ignoring all he's doing and dwelling on lack...because you are so angry? Are you trying to punish him?

How is he not "stepping up?"


I see you thinking about a revenge affair�why would you think violating your own integrity would improve anything??? If marriage were a tennis match, evening the score would make sense, but this isn�t a game. This involves the most important issues of your life. Tell me, does your H feel GOOD about what he did? From what you�ve said, he is down�depressed, even. He knows he�s let you, your son, and HIMSELF down. Think trashing your integrity by becoming an adultress would solve your problem? How about having your son learn about it some day, as he most assuredly would?

Originally Posted by ElunaInNC
I am still trying to get the issue of why he chose me over her straight. I don't know why it is important to know, I just know that it is for me.

Why he chose you over her? So basic that I doubt he could put it into words if you asked him.

He knew her in high school, yet he didn't marry her. He chose to take vows with you; he promised her nothing. He owes her nothing. You have five years of married history together�and a son. He has nothing to bind his heart to OW. Those are pretty compelling reasons, don�t you think?

OK, you ask, then why did he have an affair with her? THAT is the important question. It wasn�t HER. It wasn�t ABOUT her. It was about HIM, his poor boundaries, and his poor problem solving skills. HE was �feeling lonely.� He didn�t know how to broach the subject with you. (My FWH didn�t either, nor did most others who find themselves here. And they all made exactly the same mistake your FWH did.)

She happened to be in the right place, at the right time, to distract him from his negative feelings and what wasn�t going right in your marriage.

She could have been ANYONE. You said you knew things weren�t right. He knew it too, but maybe he didn�t have the relationship skills you do. Not uncommon. So he took the �easy� way out, not thinking about the consequences. Bad move, as he now understands. Can you imagine how it must feel to be him, knowing what a hurtful, stupid thing he did? A horror he can never undo? Remember the effect it had on him when he saw your packed bag? Moment of truth for him. Turned him right around. He doesn�t even miss her, that�s how important she was to him.

So, he chose you because you were the better choice. The only choice, once he pulled his head out of his lower orifice and thought about it. He didn�t want to lose YOU. He cannot replace YOU. And he doesn�t want to. That�s the reason he is being so cooperative. His head cleared really quickly, because for him, the choice was easy. Wish that had been the case for me, and for so many BS�s here who struggled through months of their WS �making up their mind.� He WANTS to fall in love with you all over again--right NOW. Don't blow it by nursing anger.

Originally Posted by ElunaInNC
We also talked about a post-nup with the only stipulation being IF he has another A.

I think that post-nup door should swing both ways. Same provisions apply if EITHER of you has an A. Sounds like that�s an EP you both need right now.

Last edited by rightherewaiting; 07/07/10 01:07 PM. Reason: typo

Me BS 61
Him FWS 63
Married 40 years
D-Day 6/30/06
Still can't believe it.
6/08 Recovering nicely. Anything is possible!
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 11
E
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
E
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 11
i understand your concern....my WH also was very "agreeable".....it turned out that these were things on his "checklist" to mark off to convince me/himself he was done with his affairs and seemed like he wanted to reconcile....it was more of a "to- do list" than anything....he thruout all this process, was still holding on to gifts from his OW...he himself bought a gift for a woman, even though he insisted nothing was going on....and omitted email addresses and passwords from me....still behaving secretively....so on the surface...he convinced everyone around him that he was working on reconciling....

Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 656
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 656
Hi elsied. Welcome to Marriage Builders.

It would be great for you to start your own thread so we can answer questions you may have or help you out.


FBW in recovery
Page 7 of 7 1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (1 invisible), 138 guests, and 45 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
caraduke, Convict20, GTNY, Avianna, BootsJeans
71,736 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,550
Posts2,322,800
Members71,737
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5