Why would your husband want to be friends with someone who is trying to get in your pants?

This post from Resilient and Melody about OM beig nothing special it is so true and yet so sad. It shows the power of romantic love.
If you go and dig, all of us humans are not that special after all. So when you think that now is OP's turn to be made special thanks to the focusing of WS on them, it really feels like a punch in the stomach. The WS really goes the extra mile to think that OP is so great and fantastic while s/he only is average. And then once they develop feelings of love for OP, WS is pretty much the ugly duckling and out of the picture.

FM, this is not your case as you caught the madness just in time and it might turn out to be the best thing for your M as you now have the possiblility to make it a great one.
blessing

Except for the fact that she has not been 100% honest with her husband. She has YET to tell him about OM's role in all of this-- only her's. Husband still thinks OM is a good friend.

I have read so many of your stories. It bothers me that I cannot "help" here.

But, in reading your stories, I noticed there is a stage where you snoop and gather proof (to confront WS with). You don't want him/her to have an opportunity to explain the A affair.

The OM in my situation is in a position where he must deny what I am saying. I don't have "proof". They are (practically) best friends, they work together, and *everyone* would be upset with him for even thinking about coming near me (including himself). And my H already told me he thinks its unfair for me to ruin the friendship(s) for something that is not going to happen.

What would happen from H confronting him (if I push the issue)? There would be tension at the workplace, in which case they'd both have to-- angrily and defensively-- explain their sides of the story, rumors about my H's wife flying around like wildfire, embarrassment to my H. There's no need for all of that for something that never got off the ground...and never will.

I'm not going to see him (OM). I'm not going to hear his stories anymore. I'm not going to concern myself with his life. Atena is right, of course, he is not any more special than any one of us. I know that I have intentionally disregarded his faults to focus on the positive things that suit my little fantasy. If this would have gone further, it could have ruined me...my reputation, interfered with my family, my career...yes, I would have been the ugly duckling and out of the picture.

Jmwc95, I'm not trying to ruin him for *wanting* to "get in my pants". In that case, I deserve to be ruined, too. My H has the info. he needs to keep an eye on his friend...and if he is not the sort of friend my H needs, H should decide that for himself.

Sad that a H will take the word of a F instead of that of his W.

Road, Honestly, I don't know whose word he will take. All I know is that he is resisting me telling him anything as much as he possibly can.

Last night, he said the problem is not us talking about it...but that if he is attracted to a woman, it's for a moment, then he thinks of me and the children and that's that. When I become attracted to someone (or I even get an idea in my head), I become fixated on it...it becomes a year-long thing.

Your discussions with your husband are all one-sided. In his mind, it's if one of you are attracted to someone else and what to do with that. He still doesn't know that there was more to it than just YOU being infatuated.

It's like that side of the equation hasn't even occurred to him. Why? Because you haven't been 100% honest with him. You can give all the excuses you want about why you won't go there with your husband and that's your choice, but the result is still a broken and dishonest marriage. He still doesn't know there's an enemy in the camp.

Does he not see the danger in your thinking? How can he make this comment and just put it out there without a thought about it?? How can he say this and not immediately follow it up with "I see the danger in the way you think"?

I have re-read this post a few times and each time I come up with something different. Here are my thoughts.
1.) He is being judgmental towards you and is angry. I read it this way. I can be attracted to another woman but I would never act on it. You can't control yourself.
2.) He is still in shock and is slowly processing everything. Not at the pace you want him to but he may be getting there. I can't understand how you can be thinking of someone else for so long.
3.) He is confused about what he wants to know and what he wants to believe. I know what you are saying but it doesn't make sense to me.

I would ask him what he meant by his statement.

Is there a Plan B for a wayward? My H is making me crazy. I keep talking to him about what's going on with me (...because I can't help myself since something is not "right"). He told me that there is nothing wrong with me, I'm not going to do anything, he would know if I am going to do something, we spend too much time together, "Last week, it was that you're in love with [OM], this week you 'don't have any control'...you're just afraid." He thinks I am "afraid" because I am finally enjoying life after an "emotionally abusive" childhood and I am more comfortable being miserable...so I am just trying to make trouble. And he refuses to accept it.

I feel like running. I feel a little desperate.

Maybe I am not going to "do anything". Does it ever make sense to separate just to...I don't know...I need some air?

He has forbidden me from coming to this website, too, since (he believes) this is only feeding into this stuff I am creating in my head?!?@?

Talk with Jennifer - Steve Harley's sister and Dr. Harley's daughter. She will be the very best resource for you and will calm you very quickly. It will be worth every penny to keep yourself from unraveling a good marriage!

[b][color:#990000]Link to schedule a phone counseling session NOW!![/color][/b]

Road, BTW, Now I do know who my H is going to believe: his friend (since he thinks I don't know what I'm talking about). His friendship hasn't changed at all. Maybe my exposure was a failure; or maybe I need my own Plan B.

I remember thinking that "something was wrong with me" because the way I was feeling, about me wanting another man other then my husband, I even told my husband "I am messed up in the head right now." Since he knew about the EA, he wouldn't respond.

So I know how you feel when you say something is not "right" because I felt it too, you are not going crazy, I know you don't want to have feelings or thoughts about the OM, they just come.

Since I have been home, if I catch myself thinking about the OM (I didn't go into withdrawal because I knew what I wanted, I knew that the OM was not worth it! But still he will still once in a while pop in my head) I would literally scream and yell in my head "STOP IT!! I love my husband!! He is everything I need and MORE!!" then after screaming this I would have a really good memory of my husband, and I would start feeling giddy and excited! The next time I would see my husband after yelling inside my head I would give him a really big hug and lots of kisses, because I would miss him!

Not sure if that helps, but it's something I do, like I said I never went in the withdrawal with the second EA, the first yes, and I do remember how sucky it felt. But the day I came home I was 150% for sure that this is what I wanted, and I was no longer in the fog, or justified what I did to Wheels. The remorse I felt and had, was so great, that I felt disgusted of myself and to the OM, I was angry that I let myself go that way, and I was NOT going to let any bit or ounce of emotion go towards that (OM) any longer! I wasn't going to tolerate it, even in my OWN head. Hence why I yell at my self ROFL

I know this will be hard, the only thing I can say is stay away from the OM, and focus on your marriage, I know this is going to sound silly but I guess on MB it wont be considering I was FWW. When I see an attracted man, that I know me and my husband know, I will ignore him, not to be mean of course, but I do not want to drop my guard down. I will talk to his wife yes, but nothing more, there are a couple people I know that I do this to, and I'm sure wheels has know idea who they are...or maybe he does I don't know. To me...it is not worth being someones friend then ruining my marriage, my marriage is more important then anything!

Forbidden? He tells you what you can and can not do. He also tells you how YOU FEEL. Doesn't that sound controlling to you? If I told my husband how I was feeling about anything he wouldn't tell me how I really feel.

It sounds like he is in denial. I informed my WH the other day that I had been having wayward thoughts, he did not pretend they were not a threat.

Perhaps it is time to be completely open with your H and to tell him that not only are you infatuated with his friend, but the fact that you are physically attracted to him as well.

Then inform your H that you are going to set your own Boundaries. That since he is in denial of your feelings, you no longer want to have any contact with OM. That OM is not allowed anywhere near you. That means not at your house while you are there. If your H can not abide by your wishes, simply leave any place OM is.

If H brings him home, don;t say anything and get into your car and leave. If there is a function and OM is at it, leave. If you keep avoiding being in the same area as OM, your H might wake up and see that you need NC from OM.

I remember the pre affair days.

I could never imagine---------not in a hundred years that infidelity could happen to me. I knew my wife could like someone, but the concept of an affair was completely foreign to me. An affair was the stuff I saw on the news or the movies. I never imagined that my WW could take her clothes off.

OTOH, my wife was always jealous and thinking I could have an affair. I never knew why because I never considered the idea of having an affair.

I think BH is judging wife from his perspective. BH is not an insecure man and probably comes from a background where infidelity is not the norm.

WW needs to yell very loudly about her feelings. This man cannot imagine his wife could be unfaithful.

Innocence is a beautiful thing and once is lost is lost forever. We can only be innocent once.

Your exposure was not a failure. My concern for you is that he seems to be aligning himself with his buddy and not his wife. I am afraid that will create resentment in you, as it should! What H would take the word of his buddy over that of his wife??

Sapphire, There was a post "Confused and in need of help" by Sarashope. I kept thinking you might have an answer for her being on "the other side" of the EA now. I am still in the middle of it...though, my H is making me think I imagined the whole thing. *lol*

Sapphire, I read your story before. Didn't you move out and determine within 6 hours that you wanted to be home? After you came home, did you feel "renewed"? I am coming to believe that I need to do this in order to force myself to...??? I believe my H will resent it...but, if he decides that he wants me after I move out, he might take me seriously???

Sapphire, had you ever figured out what was "not right"???

Stan, Yeah, I definitely don't want to ruin the "innocence". I told my H that I would never leave him (many times in the past). But even with all the freedom he allows, I'm feeling "caged". He's telling me that I don't know what I feel and I'm just making this up. I'm even concerned that he is talking to his friend (OM) about this and they agree that I am just emotional...and it's of no consequence...and they just go on with their day. That bothers me...for more than one reason obviously.

Saumico, he's just expressing his opinion (that he doesn't want me on here)...but he'd never try to enforce it. He's just letting me know so I will "decide" to follow his wishes.

Eluna, my H has told me that he doesn't want to hear about me fantasizing all day about his friend, that last week I was "in love" with his friend...so I'm pretty sure he knows the "physical" aspect of it. You think if I just say it right out, it's going to make all the difference???

It is a delightful experience to be innocent.

You want attention and your grandma once told you that to get attention you must make your boyfriend jealous.

BTW, which is your number one EN?

Write your H an email and tell him how you really feel. Tell H how you and OM have this thing and it makes you sexually excited.

I suspect H may still think you are nuts and may only wake up after you go through with a PA. Don't go there please.

BTW, I am back being innocent.

I agree, but she also needs to tell him about OM's behavior as well. FM, I guess you're ignoring my posts about this since this is the THIRD time I've suggested this and you have yet to address this... with us OR with your husband.