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Feel good..that's what my gut was tellin me. Got him hooked, reel him in slowly. (That sounds a bit manipulative, doesn't it?)
Yes, Pep, you are brilliant! Your instincts are spot on in my situation. And if you were anywhere near SC, I would most definitely take you to lunch! You and I are a lot alike, I think. (You should be very afraid! Lol!!) Kinda thought it was a little early in the game to show my cards, but he knows I've found something. He just doesn't know what it is. He'll ask
when he's ready to know.
He told me this morning that he has found something that helps him and gives him a little peace. (This is about the time he made the comment about thinking clearly.) Said that he rides the 4 wheeler into the woods and stops and talks to himself out loud. Said he talked to himself for about three hours yesterday. He also said that there were some things he needed to tell me, but he needed another 4 wheeler ride first.
Oh, and the other thing I forgot to tell you was what he said the chief's wife said to him. She said that everybody looked up to the chief and saw him in a certain way..tough, hardcore old-school "smokeater", but when he came home, she saw him as just him. (She's pretty cool, huh? I think she is an angel sent from God.)
Please keep me reeled in..wanna be smart about this, cause I don't want to EVER have to go through this again! Just about lost my grip..
Thanks for all your help!
((((Pep, princessmeggy, sapphire))))
BS(me)43
WS(him)35
Married 7 yrs (together 10)
No children together; 20yo & 15yo ds (mine), 14yo dd (his)
D day: 05/11/10
NC not established
Status: headed for D and takin' care of me
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[/quote]
I think you need to prepare for recovery. (That means get healthy and think about protection boundaries and recovery requirements).
[/quote]
??? The getting healthy, I'm working on. Protection boundaries..recovery requirements? Is there a certain way I should do this?
BS(me)43
WS(him)35
Married 7 yrs (together 10)
No children together; 20yo & 15yo ds (mine), 14yo dd (his)
D day: 05/11/10
NC not established
Status: headed for D and takin' care of me
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Posts: 35,996
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He also said that there were some things he needed to tell me, but he needed another 4 wheeler ride first. If he comes out of the woods ( interesting metaphor by the way) asking for something to do with coming home .... Stall him! Sweetly. Example: "Hmmmm. Tempting. You are very tempting. I need a few hours alone in the woods myself.( smile, or wink). I'm going to give this my full attention. Very tempting." Plan A .... TOUCH HIM NON SEXUALLY AT EVERY OPPORTUNITY. Are you a good enough actress to pull this off? Touch yourself as if you are distracted. Touch your mouth, your exposed throat, your hair, and even your breasts (a little, and not obvious). Smile like the cat who has swallowed the canary. Please, let us guide you how you guide him. Do not say YES to his returning home immediately. Men want to woo a woman. Be wooed. Take some time to allow him to woo you. Make sense?
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Example of self breast touch: WH says something sweet. Give him a look. Place your hand over your heart and say something like: "My heart just skipped. I am waiting for my heart to slow .... Please, give me a minute." Hold your hand where it is. Manipulative? Call it what you want. I call it flitting with your husband. I am going to be 61 years old next week. I STILL reel my H in and flirt with him. If I don't do it, someone else might. 
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Yea, makes sense. How hard to get do I need to play? (Wink, wink) I think the moving back in thing will be fairly easy to pull off..think I still need to be alone for a bit whilst sweeping up all the pieces of me..but I DO wanna feel close to him if it develops that way. That's gonna be the hard part..I've always been "weak" for this man. SF has never been an issue for us, and I caught a couple of looks this morning. Not saying its gonna happen, but if it heads in THAT direction, what do I do?
BS(me)43
WS(him)35
Married 7 yrs (together 10)
No children together; 20yo & 15yo ds (mine), 14yo dd (his)
D day: 05/11/10
NC not established
Status: headed for D and takin' care of me
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Posts: 35,996
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Yea, makes sense. How hard to get do I need to play? (Wink, wink) I think the moving back in thing will be fairly easy to pull off..think I still need to be alone for a bit whilst sweeping up all the pieces of me..but I DO wanna feel close to him if it develops that way. That's gonna be the hard part..I've always been "weak" for this man. SF has never been an issue for us, and I caught a couple of looks this morning. Not saying its gonna happen, but if it heads in THAT direction, what do I do? I COULD tell you to hold off. Or, I COULD tell you that I ravaged my WH at the first opportunity ( when I was intending to flirt ONLY) . oopsie! ( it was GREAT, by the way) Know what? I trust you to know what to do. Think about STDs ..... I did not. But, I lucked out.
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Told him I would probably be around, but if I wasn't, I would be back shortly. Told him he's still got his key, feel free to let himself in. (Now that I think about it, he could have let himself in this morning, but he knocked..anybody..thoughts?) I think he knocked instead of using his key out of respect for you. He didn't assume he can come in anytime he wants. I would not give him permission to use his key. He hasn't earned that privilege yet. He may have taken what you said as anytime and not just that day. I would make sure you discuss this so you both are clear on what YOU want. JMO
W (me) 44
H 43
Married 19 years
DS 17
DS 15
DD 13
DD 8
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ROFLMAO!! Figured you would tell me it would be a bad move! Don't know..kind of weird situation I find myself in after only a week. Gonna read and work out and really get my head focused on me before he shows back up. Gotta play it cool..it will happen the way it is supposed to happen, right? 
BS(me)43
WS(him)35
Married 7 yrs (together 10)
No children together; 20yo & 15yo ds (mine), 14yo dd (his)
D day: 05/11/10
NC not established
Status: headed for D and takin' care of me
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Posts: 35,996
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PS
If your WH ever comes to this forum as a recovering H
I suggest he call himself
Out_Of_The_Woods
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Good point about key privilege, but it is a good sign if he did it out of respect, right? He still has a key because he has still not gotten all of his things out. He was supposed to do that one day this week while I was at work and leave his key on the bar. He also knows that I sleep with a gun (especially now that I am all alone), so he may have been afraid I would shoot him if he came on in! LOL!!
BS(me)43
WS(him)35
Married 7 yrs (together 10)
No children together; 20yo & 15yo ds (mine), 14yo dd (his)
D day: 05/11/10
NC not established
Status: headed for D and takin' care of me
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Posts: 58
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BS(me)43
WS(him)35
Married 7 yrs (together 10)
No children together; 20yo & 15yo ds (mine), 14yo dd (his)
D day: 05/11/10
NC not established
Status: headed for D and takin' care of me
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Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 658
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I suggest he call himself Out_Of_The_Woods 
W (me) 44
H 43
Married 19 years
DS 17
DS 15
DD 13
DD 8
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Good point about key privilege, but it is a good sign if he did it out of respect, right? He still has a key because he has still not gotten all of his things out. He was supposed to do that one day this week while I was at work and leave his key on the bar. He also knows that I sleep with a gun (especially now that I am all alone), so he may have been afraid I would shoot him if he came on in! LOL!! Yes I think it is a good sign. You need to stay in the drivers seat here. Plan A doesn't mean you can't set boundaries. He not only shouldn't use his key he should also schedule a time that is convenient for YOU when he picks up the rest of his stuff. IMO (and I could be wrong) I think he hasn't picked up his stuff because he is hoping to come home. If he was 100% sure he want's out he would have taken his stuff.
W (me) 44
H 43
Married 19 years
DS 17
DS 15
DD 13
DD 8
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K, here's where I'm at today. WH left from having coffee with me yesterday morning and went back to fire dept. He called me from there about an hour later "just to talk to me". Said while I was out and about, I should stop by if I had time. I did, was good to see everybody - haven't been there for a month. Anyway, we decided that he would come by for dinner. He did, we ate (nice) and then watched TV for about an hour. He seemed a little withdrawn and didn't really want to talk. So we just kind of "existed in the same space" for a while. He was perfectly content, but the silence was very awkward for me. (Just kept sittin there thinking, "keep my side clean...". ) Every so often, I gave him a flirty little look. Once he caught my eye and smiled..that smile that it feels like a lifetime since I saw it the last time, and I physically just felt my heart melting. I don't know why I love this man this much! Anyway, more minutes of awkward silence and he says, "well, I think I'm heading back to the fire department." Crap!! I smiled and said "you are welcome to hang out for a while, but if you need to go, I understand." (Man, that rock was slippery..slipped a little on that one!) He gets up, hugs me, thanks me for dinner and HESITANTLY heads to the door. He stopped and stared off into the distance like he's thinking on something, and says, "maybe I will stop by for coffee in the morning if it's ok." I FELT like saying, "it ain't coffee I want, you big dummy!" But instead I said, "you know where to find me."  So, he shows up for coffee at 8:30 this morning and was here about 20 minutes before he got a call (vehicle accident involving one of the trucks that belong to the company he did work for, ironically enough) and he had to go. He said that he would try to stop back by and then kissed me on the cheek before heading out the door. Even said he was sorry for having to go. I told him I understood. So, I'm a bit confused. Does he want me or not? He still makes references to "clearing his head" and I do still see HIM in his eyes. He makes all kinds of remarks about sex, and even told me that I looked "hot" yesterday, but he left before the sun went down. What does this mean and what do I do now?
BS(me)43
WS(him)35
Married 7 yrs (together 10)
No children together; 20yo & 15yo ds (mine), 14yo dd (his)
D day: 05/11/10
NC not established
Status: headed for D and takin' care of me
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BS(me)43
WS(him)35
Married 7 yrs (together 10)
No children together; 20yo & 15yo ds (mine), 14yo dd (his)
D day: 05/11/10
NC not established
Status: headed for D and takin' care of me
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Posts: 6,986
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Red, you're doing GREAT in Plan A. I think you're missing something though. In Plan A, there should be NO EXPECTATIONS! I think Mark has a thread that gives an analogy about Plan A. It's like you're standing on the bank of a lake and throwing pebbles into the lake. You don't see where those pebbles are going or that they're stacking up. After awhile (and a lot of Plan A pebbles) eventually you see the stack starting to break water. What you're doing does not pay off immediately (that you know). You should have NO EXPECTATIONS that your pebbles are hitting the mark.
Another thing is even though you're in Plan A, you should begin preparations for your Plan B. This entails getting your finances separated, figuring out who you want to use as an intermediary (someone who filters IMPORTANT messages from WH), etc. You should start drafting your Plan B letter and post it here. We'll help you with that. Above all else, do not tell your WH what you're doing (Plan A/Plan B). A stellar Plan A should be followed by a perfectly executed Plan B. That's the way this thing works. It is RARE for a WS to come home solely because of Plan A efforts. It has happened but you should prepare yourself now for Plan B.
Keep on with your stellar Plan A work, you're doing GREAT!!
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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What does this mean and what do I do now? I'm not sure what it means but I know what to tell you to do now... Keep up your awesome plan A! Right now he can't give you any answers because he is confused himself. He had his mind made up just weeks ago and now he is having second thoughts. Was he right then or is he right now. Give him some time to see you are the woman he loves.
W (me) 44
H 43
Married 19 years
DS 17
DS 15
DD 13
DD 8
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What does this mean and what do I do now? It means your Plan A is bothering his conscience. Your Plan A is reducing the doubt he had/has about the marriage working out. Plan A is like a beacon of light. Have you read Ark's "Lighthouse" post? I will bump it for you. What do you do now? Plan A yer socks off, and prepare for Plan B ..... Just in case.
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Written by ARK ~~~~~~~~~ I posted this to lostwithouther a short while back..
I liked this post...
I still pray now more than ever he can become the lighthouse....
I hope some others find comfort from the storm...
Your spouse is in huge conflict....
the good news is and the truth is that they are totally incapable of a healthy relationship with anyone right now...
the competition we believe that exist with the OP is a shallow empty reflection of Gods light in this world...
It is empty and lonely no matter how good the rush
their actions are actions that they themselves do not like in themselves right now....though the need to go back again again and attempt to prove themselves wrong or right is strong...they do not like what they are doing...
their actions towards you, the children, the OP, and themselves...keep them from engaging in any type of real interactions...with real depth and truth
all they offer are misguided attempts to fill the void that has appeared in their life...
yet the filling is way too fleeting to sustain them and the truth is with them each night he or she lays down regardless of whom is next to them....
they are the living cliche..of no matter where you go to hide...there YOU are...
he or she is lost to themselves...
and you stand at that point of being the lighthouse home....even though they create the waves that block their vision from seeing that...
You become the lighthouse..you fill your home with light, calmness and sanctuary...
see just visualize yourself as a lighthouse...
Your offer them glimpses into that sanctuary at every chance you get...
you invite them towards it...let them know it is there as much as you can in a most subtle way....
they are untrustable right now...
but you know that...so they can't hurt you right now...they will spend great energy to convince others differently...but you know better...
you show the path by also protecting the children from their painful actions.....
set clear boundaries that the OP is not part of your childrens lives....
without lovebusting...
offer alternatives that let them see the children...but be clear that the OP is to have no access to them...
you fill the childrens lives with stability....they deserve it and need it more than anything else....
Do not discuss and or powerstruggle with them on irrational movements...seek out and validate the rational ones with lots of praise for when he or she chooses correctly....
your spouse is very lonely and sad right now..but that is OK...no one can stay very long in that chaos...it is wearisome to the soul...
and remove yourself from any aspect of participating or adding to the chaos...and eventually they will see that you are the only one...who stood with clarity and reason when they needed it most...
be the lighthouse....
OK that's really out there I know....
strength to you all..
ARK
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