I don't want a Looney jar princess, but the fact that I have no one to watch my 4 very active children is disappointing. I have very little time to do anything on my own. When I do leave the house for an hour at most...usually after DS7 is in bed, my DS 10 and DS11 give me the big ole guilt trip for leaving them at the house. All I'm doing is going a few streets over to a friend's house and DD14 is here to supervise.

Everyday I'm trying to fill their day with activities. I know I'm just having a pity party....I just need to get over it.

Anyhoo, I'll try not to speculate.

"Do or do not.....there is no TRY." Yoda.

Seriously, kick yourself in the butt. Don't TRY not to think about WH and OW. When you do, catch yourself and change your stinkin thinkin.

Also, since your WH sent a message through your IM, you may respond to that one. You CAN respond with, "Tell WH that the children are busy and are looking forward to seeing him when the next scheduled visitation is." That is, if you don't want him coming around.

If you are willing to allow him to come around, make sure that your children know that he is NOT allowed inside and that you will NOT talk to him. Get all of the practice out of the way for what to do if your WH tried to come in, etc.

My loonie jar was suggested because I started thinking about WH too much. It really helped to show me that I was focusing on him too much again.

Right now, you need to figure out something to get your mind focused on you and your healing.

I want to focus on something else, but I can't tell you how much I hate being alone. I so want him to talk to; it's unfair that someone else gets him illegally.

I know I can't force someone to the table; it's out of my control...I realize that.

Hope, I think you keep forgetting that what OW has is not your H. He is not the one you loved to be with.
In fact...would you be happy with him if he were with you rigth now,..but not the way he was, the way he IS: the selfish, badmouthing, foggy person you came to know recently? Would you want to spend a minute with a guy like that?
OW is only getting a phony version of your H. They know that what they are doing is filthy and wrong. It might appear that they are happy and romantic...but you cannot know the truth.
Just think this: I do not want my WH the way he is now. Even if he wanted to be with me now, I would not want to be with him the way he is now.
blessing

I realize these truths....I'm just totally stressed and obsessed knowing he's coming today. Just the thought that he will be here makes my stomach topsy turvy. I would like to leave while he's here, so I may ask DD14 to watch them. If I'm here, they will run in and deliver messages...I don't want that.

Hope, it is normal what you are feeling. When we know they are around we can't help feeling nervous. I work with WH and feel that way almost everyday except now because school is out.
It is a good idea for you to leave and have your DD14 in charge, that way you can take a break and not nhave to worry about him delivering messages.
blessing

HopeE, You actually SHOULD LEAVE while he is there.

That is what Plan B is about.


Have your IM text this message:


"It will be very nice to have a break from the kids while you are here from x:00 pm til y:00 pm today to see kids. I will not be there, so please enjoy your visit."


It is a nice text, yet you are GONE and he does NOT get a fix of you to fill his Love Bank whatsoever. You, in turn, do not have to deal in any way with his garbage-dealing.

Leave. Do not be there - do not look at him - he does not see you.

Do. Not. Be. There.

Plan B rule.


SB

Thanks SB

I won't be there!!! I'll go out and do something....just not sure yet.

You mean you are not sure yet of what you will do. Right? Do plan to go. It is true..even if you where to be so stricking as to look like a movie star and so intriguing...he would not see you. Avoid the torture he can inflict.
blessing

I mean I'm leaving...I just don't know what I'm going to do while I'm out. I plan on getting birthday things together, picking up meds for myself and DS7, going to the bank and other running around. I'm leaving now in case he doesn't keep in his time frame.

Doesnt matter. What he is imagining you are doing will be a billion times more fun than what you are actually doing. Especially if he hears you were all glammed up from the kids when you left.

I am glammed up but mostly running errands and treating myself to soup/salad at applebee's. Just relaxing and enjoying the time alone. Next, I'm going to get ds bday present.

Well, I made it through another day. Taking the boys to the movies tonight to see the last airbender.

I've been feeling so much better this week...probably the best yet since all this happened. I've been keeping busier and just trying not to think about everything.

I have been thinking about WH and OW on this weekend trip he has planned, but I've not cried very much. Still dealing with lots of discipline on the little one. I'm very concerned over his behavior...very concerned. I think another trip to phsycologist..sp? is warranted.

Psychologist.





My best behavior tips (yes, I work with PLENTY of kids with severe behavioral issues...)

1. Tell them what you WANT them to do, not what you DON'T want them to do. In other words, tell them exactly the behavior you desire. Often, parents tell kids "Don't jump on the bed" or "Stop yelling". That's fine, but the parents do not offer the kids the next thing - which is the DESIRED REPLACEMENT BEHAVIOR. Children with behavioral problems often do not have a wide range or repertoire of behaviors to choose from when they are upset or excited, and therefore resort to yelling or destroying things. They get yelled at when they do these things, told to stop it. But nobody really tells them - at THAT EXACT TIME - what to do INSTEAD. So do that. Tell him what he CAN do instead of the yelling, or whatever it is he is doing. Give him the broader repertoire RIGHT THEN.

And DON'T make it a CHOICE. Here's an example:

He is screaming in a store because he wants something. You say, "Stop screaming. We do not scream in a store, period. I want you to use a normal speaking voice, and to tell me what you want. That is what I expect from you. A normal voice - inside voice - talk like we talk all the time, like regular." If he continues to scream, your next thing: "I told you that you need to stop screaming, and talk regular. Your next choice is to talk regular, or we leave everything here, and we go home. You can control your voice, talk regular in the store, or we go home. People talk using regular, normal voices in stores, or they have to go home."

If he continues to scream, you go home. The trip may be a bust - but the trip will be a bust ONCE. The repeated trip, and you say this again, he will recall that you WILL leave, and this is no bluff. They learn very quickly, and do understand and control. You can use this "replacement behavior" technique for other things, too.

THE ENTIRE TIME, YOU ARE NOT ANGRY. YOU MAINTAIN A BUSINESS LIKE TONE OF VOICE, AND YOU ARE COMPLETELY CALM AND DIRECTIVE. THERE IS NO EMOTION WITH YOU WHATSOEVER. This is a business transaction, and has nothing to do with you or your emotional life, your skills, or anything like that. It is the ability of the child to learn a new skill, and you are helping him learn that skill. Period. The less emotional you are, the faster he will "get it".

2. Target only one or two behaviors at a time. You cannot address the entire child at once, so choose the MOST IMPORTANT OR CRITICAL behaviors and address them FIRST. Look at your life and the child's life, and ask yourself, "What is the biggest problem with Johnny/Jane RIGHT NOW?" and target that issue. Don't try to change the world all at once.

3. Plan ahead. Look at the behaviors. Identify the replacement behaviors that YOU DESIRE. Discuss the plan with other members of the family. Tell the child that you know he needs to change the behavior (i.e. screaming in the store) and that you want him to use his normal voice in the store the next time you go. Also explain that if he does not, you will help and remind him. Explain that if he cannot control himself, use his normal voice, and use a regular voice the whole time, that everyone will have to pile in the car and just go home, and try again another time.

The less emotional you are, the less he will see this as a stigma, or something you are doing to be mean, etc. He will see it as teaching - which it is - and he will look to you as a teacher of LIFE, which you are. It will literally change the dynamic between the two of you.


One or two behaviors at a time. Replacement behavior ALWAYS taught. Tell him what you WANT, not what you don't want. Keep your emotions out of it. Think "TEACHER" not "disciplinarian".


Hope this helps, HopeE.

Excellent advice as usual SB!

Thanks SB,

Here's an example of an incident. Last night we went to the theatre. After buying tickets, we stood in line to get popcorn and drink....refillable because we were all going to share. I had all three boys with me. As soon as I saw DS7 go over to the ice cream section, I knew it was going to be a mess. He came over excitedly, and said, "mama, I've got to have an ice cream." I told him no and that we didn't have the money for that. He then began to jump around and scream almost knocking the food out of other people's hands. I told him to stop or I was going to take him to the bathroom (which I never did)...he continued to beg, scream, and jump up and down. I was drawing attention from everyone including the police officer on duty. He settled down a bit when he saw the officer looking at him. Once we bought the popcorn and drink, he settled down, but this was after 15 minutes of pure torture.

Should I have left with all my boys? I hate punishing the other two because of DS7's behavior. I'd already paid for all the tickets.

Another situation, we're at the pool on Wednesday and DS7 exposes his privates to this boy while standing at the diving board waiting in line. I was so embarrassed and I called him over to discuss it with him....and he lied about it even though I saw him do it.....this is not the first time this has happened.

DS7 has been difficult since 2 and he has been diagnosed with bi-polar and ADHD. The problem is that the ADHD meds make him worse and we've tried everything. Also, Risperidone is the only thing that works and it's not very good at working. Some days he's cooperative and responds well while other days (like with all this bad weather we're having) he's a holy terror. Spankings make things worse and then he starts throwing things.

I'll admit I'm not very consistent and it's difficult for me, but I want to get a handle on things. Sometimes I worry that I'll have to put him in a hospital or something. He will often tell me that he want's to kill himself when he's very upset and how he hates everyone. I could go on forever about the issues.

Bumping in case SB comes back for some more dicipline techniques. It is funny that I can handle my classroom so much better than my own children. Why is that?

Well, I took all four children to the skating rink last night for DS10's birthday. I skated from 8:00 till 11:30 and I could barely move this morning...LOL

I fell about 4 times and my knees are all bruised; it was a great time though. I loved skating when I was a kid and my children enjoyed seeing me have a fun time for once.

I wish WH could have been with us, but it's just not possible....I'm realizing that.

REMEMBER, you wish that DH could be there. WH we don't like very much.

I miss those family moments too. IT SUCKS.

I have been doing things that I haven't done in years either. It is just a way to get back who I am.

Remember, Plan A the kiddos and don't think about WH and OW. I know it is hard to do, but you see how much better you feel? I believe that we feel better and better the darker we are. The times I feel the worst are right after I see WH(3 times since Dec 18th) or right after I find something out(like WH getting a new Bank account).

Keep your chin up and keep being the best you you can be.