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Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 1
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Junior Member
Joined: Jul 2010
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My husband had an affair, while out of country for work, 2 years ago. I was mortified to say the least. His job has required that he travel OFTEN since then. He would be home a week or 2 then gone again. Each time I would approach the topic to help myself try to understand and deal with the affair he would say that I shouldn't feel upset or hurt that it "wasn't anything and it's over". I went out of my way to work on the relationship after the fact. Everyday things would trigger memories of the days I had become aware of the the affair. Since then he has shown interest in 2 other females saying it was "drunk texting" and "just a co-worker that showed interest in his career". We are about to divorce due to the fact that I cannot get over this, I do not trust him. Am I wrong for still harboring these angry feelings after 2 years?
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Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
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Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
My husband had an affair, while out of country for work, 2 years ago. I was mortified to say the least. His job has required that he travel OFTEN since then. He would be home a week or 2 then gone again. Each time I would approach the topic to help myself try to understand and deal with the affair he would say that I shouldn't feel upset or hurt that it "wasn't anything and it's over". I went out of my way to work on the relationship after the fact. Everyday things would trigger memories of the days I had become aware of the the affair. Since then he has shown interest in 2 other females saying it was "drunk texting" and "just a co-worker that showed interest in his career". We are about to divorce due to the fact that I cannot get over this, I do not trust him. Am I wrong for still harboring these angry feelings after 2 years? Point #1 Feelings are never wrong. Feelings have no IQ and no morals. They just are. Point #2 You should not trust him, as he is behaving in ways that do not earn your trust. Point #3 Your divorce is your way of self protection, assuming your boundary is that you are certain you will not remain married to a man who has no regard for your feelings and is perfectly willing to hurt you and tell you to "Get over it already" .... as he repeats the same behavior. Question: Have you read through this site's BASIC CONCEPTS? Welcome to MARRIAGE BUILDERS
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Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
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Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
Please, read through the newbie thread: LINKBe sure to read the links within that thread. It will help you post on this forum. Do you want to divorce him?
Last edited by Pepperband; 07/03/10 11:44 AM.
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
I went out of my way to work on the relationship after the fact. Everyday things would trigger memories of the days I had become aware of the the affair. Since then he has shown interest in 2 other females saying it was "drunk texting" and "just a co-worker that showed interest in his career". We are about to divorce due to the fact that I cannot get over this, I do not trust him. Am I wrong for still harboring these angry feelings after 2 years? You are right to not trust him because he is untrustworthy and is still having affairs. You and your H have never recovered from the last affair you caught him in, so he is onto other affairs. As long as he travels and does nothing to fix the marriage, this is hopeless and you are right to divorce. BUT, if he would quit the job and change his life so he is with you every night, living a life of complete transparency, you might have some hope. If I were in your shoes, I would propose a plan of recovery to him and if he doesn't accept then file for divorce and go into Plan B. [complete no contact] Here is what it will take to save your marriage: The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.
I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.
The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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