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Ya sorry YEG...but I feel the same way.

Just sounds soo fishy!

All I can say really is good luck and I hope it's not a FR laugh

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You should of kept the phone and showed it to his Command. He was disobeying a direct order!!!! His career would have been over that instant!!

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YEG, this is not good. In my case, my then-WW promised NC, then proceeded to break it eight times before it stuck. I found her A-phone and destroyed it, so she found another way to contact him -- thru a skanky (now ex-) friend.

She fought it all like a bass pulled from a lake. And this was with an AP that was running like he77 the other direction as fast as he could because he'd successfully gaslighted his W and didn't want any more trouble.

I'm afraid she's playing you. Demand she write an NC letter -- and for her to write a letter to his command, giving details of recent contact.

If she's willing to toss him to the wolves, you MIGHT have something worthwhile.

Maybe.


BH 52
FWW 50
S26 S24
EA 3/07-1/09
PA 5/07-10/08
NC finally established after eight false starts: 1/23/09
Final Version of Events 6/09
In a solid Recovery, and lucky beyond belief.
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YEG:

My FWW used to post here and she wanted very badly to save the marriage. And yet---she broke NC because OM was hurting and she was in withdrawal.

Many WWs feel they can only give up the affair slowly rather than suddenly-----hence they break NC to medicate the addiction. Even if your wife decides she wants recovery she will feel very bad about dumping OM. She may tell herself "I need to let him go slowly", but this slow maneuver is also for herself.

If a WW is hesitant about saving the marriage breakage of NC is almost a given.



Stanley
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Do you realize it was quite obvious she was breaking NC?
It was obvious she was sitting in the fence and trying to keep both sides of the equation in a state of equilibrium.
yes this goes back to her fog and entitlement. In her mind since I broke my side of the bargain and contacted him directly our deal of NC was off. So she didnt feel bad about talking to him. yes its textbook WW behavior. Its entitled thinking.

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I am worried that you have lost all surveillance, but as you will see--------------------------in the end it really does not matter. If she wants to break NC she will find a way.

I will NEVER be able to prevent an A phone. Only now I know the extint of her knowledge about getting them without any paper trail. In her old job she use to have to research phone records on drug dealers and other bad guys. She still has friends that can help her on the inside. Her phone was totally off the radar. She claims she got an old friend in to debug the house. She is paranoid.

Only thing I can do is do my best to ensure NC. Thats it. The KL she will sniff out in less than a day just like last time. She isnt going to slip on a GPS banana peel again. She has twice now.

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Have you read This thread about FALSE RECOVERY?

FR = affair never ended or restarted during recovery
I have. It sucks. Im also backed up against a wall. My choice is to go Pb with a wife that is willing to take EPs and talk to steve or take a shot at recovery. Ill snoop as best I can but thats all I can do.

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I wish you luck, and I hate to be negative. But all of this seems contrived on her part and she's saying what you want to hear so she is not thrown out. And you are so desperate to have her back that it seems like no matter what she says despiter her actions, you'll just take it at face value.

But I could be wrong. And I hope I am.
It looks bad I agree. All I can do is give it a try though. Hope for the best. i know there are TONS of red flags.

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You should of kept the phone and showed it to his Command. He was disobeying a direct order!!!! His career would have been over that instant!!
Ive got the phone number. It isnt registered to her. She destroyed it. All i can do is if she leaves me anyways is go back and make a big stink. He is either going to korea, afghanistan or iraq soon. IMO that makes phone contact very likely since people are desperate for any support over there.

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I'm afraid she's playing you. Demand she write an NC letter -- and for her to write a letter to his command, giving details of recent contact.

If she's willing to toss him to the wolves, you MIGHT have something worthwhile.
She wont. Can tell you that now.

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My FWW used to post here and she wanted very badly to save the marriage. And yet---she broke NC because OM was hurting and she was in withdrawal.

Many WWs feel they can only give up the affair slowly rather than suddenly-----hence they break NC to medicate the addiction. Even if your wife decides she wants recovery she will feel very bad about dumping OM. She may tell herself "I need to let him go slowly", but this slow maneuver is also for herself.

If a WW is hesitant about saving the marriage breakage of NC is almost a given.
This is a very likely scenario unfortunately. Just going to hav to be vigilant and watch for the warning signs of contact.


(ME) BS - 33YO
(HER) WW - 32YO
Married 7 years
DD5
D-Day - 5/1/10 (PA)
Exposure 5/7/10
Plan A 5/7/10 -
Plan B or Recovery on 7-1-10 Its in her court ATM
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YEG,

She is still an ADDICT, and will continue to display addict behavior. She may have "committed" just so you wouldn't expose anymore. You need to expose to OM's command, and you need to expose to her parents again. You also need to be even MORE vigilant about preventing contact until she gets through withdrawal.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
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YEG, i may have congratulated you too soon...you sounded so happy i figured the news was unequivocally awesome.

this makes me really uneasy...if she's been in constant contact with him, i don't know how she can be in the mindframe to make a decision re commitment at all, one way or the other. she's not speaking from a position of post-withdrawal misery...i don't know, i'm baffled.

i don't like the implications re keylogger discovery, a-phone (is it prepaid wireless or does OM have it on HIS account?), etc...it sounds as though she's almost proud to have gotten under your radar.

look, she very well may be legitimately sorry and ready to recommit fully to the marriage--but like Scotland said, don't let go of your conditions and don't fail to hold her accountable for fear of pushing her away.

stay cunning as serpents and gentle as doves--we all hope she does the right thing!

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She is still an ADDICT, and will continue to display addict behavior. She may have "committed" just so you wouldn't expose anymore. You need to expose to OM's command, and you need to expose to her parents again. You also need to be even MORE vigilant about preventing contact until she gets through withdrawal.

Absolutely.

She self exposed to her parents. I was there for it. They are pissed. Command is a much trickier point. If she finds out she will use that as an excuse to resume contact again. Im going to work on it though.

Right now I need prayers more than anything. Strength for WW to do the right thing. Strength for me not to LB. I also need to keep my needs in check.


(ME) BS - 33YO
(HER) WW - 32YO
Married 7 years
DD5
D-Day - 5/1/10 (PA)
Exposure 5/7/10
Plan A 5/7/10 -
Plan B or Recovery on 7-1-10 Its in her court ATM
My thread
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i don't like the implications re keylogger discovery, a-phone (is it prepaid wireless or does OM have it on HIS account?), etc...it sounds as though she's almost proud to have gotten under your radar.

Its progress.

No its under nobodies name. She KNOWS how to hide the paper trail since she use to FIND the criminals paper trail on prepaid cells off all the time.

I wouldnt say proud. Her parents feel VERY betrayed after giving her the time and space to make her decision. She lied to THEM as well. Dad is barelly talking to them. her excuse for lieing to them is really poor. She felt I needed her dad more than she did. So she lied to him so he wouldnt have a conflict of interest.

Yea its very entitled.


(ME) BS - 33YO
(HER) WW - 32YO
Married 7 years
DD5
D-Day - 5/1/10 (PA)
Exposure 5/7/10
Plan A 5/7/10 -
Plan B or Recovery on 7-1-10 Its in her court ATM
My thread
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Originally Posted by YEG
[Command is a much trickier point. If she finds out she will use that as an excuse to resume contact again.

You didn't promise AGAIN not to contact his command, did you. If she is in TRUE NC, she won't know you contacted his command, After contacting his command, I'd let him know that you found the "affair phone," and remind him you will be going straight to his command every time he contacts your WW. I would let him know that he "lost the war" for your WW, so it would be in his best interest to surrender now and retreat than face certain death.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
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Originally Posted by jmwc95
Originally Posted by YEG
[Command is a much trickier point. If she finds out she will use that as an excuse to resume contact again.

You didn't promise AGAIN not to contact his command, did you. If she is in TRUE NC, she won't know you contacted his command, After contacting his command, I'd let him know that you found the "affair phone," and remind him you will be going straight to his command every time he contacts your WW. I would let him know that he "lost the war" for your WW, so it would be in his best interest to surrender now and retreat than face certain death.


Well there is a BAD side to that as well. He HAS been warned by his command. THere problem is now is he could get kicked OUT. That would be a disaster. He is from the same city as my WW. His parents live less than 1 mile from my parents and MIL and FIL. That would leave him very conviently right by me. With NOTHING over his head. He would have nothing BETTER to do than chase my wife.



(ME) BS - 33YO
(HER) WW - 32YO
Married 7 years
DD5
D-Day - 5/1/10 (PA)
Exposure 5/7/10
Plan A 5/7/10 -
Plan B or Recovery on 7-1-10 Its in her court ATM
My thread
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Originally Posted by YEG
Well there is a BAD side to that as well. He HAS been warned by his command. THere problem is now is he could get kicked OUT. That would be a disaster. He is from the same city as my WW. His parents live less than 1 mile from my parents and MIL and FIL. That would leave him very conviently right by me. With NOTHING over his head. He would have nothing BETTER to do than chase my wife.

Do it anyway. He has to see that you mean business, and this is the way to do it. If you do NOT do anything, he will likely see you as offering weak and ineffective competition to his efforts to steal your WW away from you.


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So let me get this straight. You won't talk to his command becaue he'll get kicked out and contact your wife. How is this a true recovery if you're scared that he'll contact your wife. This means that he has all the power and you have none. And they all know this. Your wife knows this.

Do you not realize you look weak willed? Do you think your wife really wants you if she views you as weak willed? He did not care enough to ruin you marriage. Why do you care enough to care about his career? I don't understand why you didn't take this phone to his command.

I wish some of you guys would take charge in your marriages.


Husband (me) 39
Wife 36
Daughter 21
Daughter 19
Son 14
Daughter 10
Son 8 (autistic)

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Is the OM enlisted or an officer?

I am certain the military will not put up with affairs among active duty members. However, I bet they could care less if an active duty person had extramarital sex, particularly if the soldier is enlisted. Furthermore, this is not the 1940s-50s-------the military is much more liberal.

I don't believe it s the duty of the commanding officer to make sure soldiers behave like choir boys when they are off duty.

Exposure has been done on that end. Anything else may be perceived as harassment and if you harass somewhat regularly they will eventually retaliate. The OM retaliation may simply be persistent stalking.

As for breakage of NC:

Even the most dedicated and motivated WW may break NC even if they have no intentions of re-starting the affair. The addiction is difficult and many times WW feels sorry for ending the affair and causing pain to OM. It is very hard to go cold turkey in any relationship.

A good understanding of why there is such a thing as withdrawal is cruciual for the WW. It is also important to understand that romantic passionate love can co-exist with calm long term love and that OWs are often torn between these two. The good news is that romantic passionate love subsides with NC.

NC is everything and needs to be discussed with WW. Once she understands that NC is for her own good she may show more cooperation. If WW does not see why NC is so crucial she may interpret BHs actions as irrational or even controlling.

Lastly, you cannot make anyone do what you want them to do. Sometimes WW wants to leave the marriage despite your best wishes and all the Plan As and Bs in the planet. I never told my WW "don't leave the marriage". The door was always open if she wanted to leave.


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Originally Posted by YEG
Well there is a BAD side to that as well. He HAS been warned by his command. THere problem is now is he could get kicked OUT. That would be a disaster. He is from the same city as my WW. His parents live less than 1 mile from my parents and MIL and FIL. That would leave him very conviently right by me. With NOTHING over his head. He would have nothing BETTER to do than chase my wife.

Quit making excuses. Expose to his command. He's not going to get kicked out. Regardless of that, you said his fear was that he would have nothing better to do than chase your wife. HE'S ALREADY CHASING YOUR WIFE! At least make some consequences for his actions. You keep overthinking things. Just take quick decisive action. Remember, exposure kills affairs. Don't let the affair off the hook by refusing to finish it off.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
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Some days I just want to throw myself in front of a bus. Please tell me how pathetic I am. I really appreciate it. Im already a mass of cr&p that let his wife run around on him from years. I have no balls what so ever. Im afraid to death that my wife is going to leave me. Im a sad pathetic man and im surprised she made it with me this long. Id probably have cheated on me years ago and punched out.

To the point of just walking away from the whole thing. Whats the point anyways? I cant win. All im going to do is continue to get played and played until I have nothing left then she will just leave me.



(ME) BS - 33YO
(HER) WW - 32YO
Married 7 years
DD5
D-Day - 5/1/10 (PA)
Exposure 5/7/10
Plan A 5/7/10 -
Plan B or Recovery on 7-1-10 Its in her court ATM
My thread
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Originally Posted by YEG
Some days I just want to throw myself in front of a bus. Please tell me how pathetic I am. I really appreciate it. Im already a mass of cr&p that let his wife run around on him from years. I have no balls what so ever. Im afraid to death that my wife is going to leave me. Im a sad pathetic man and im surprised she made it with me this long. Id probably have cheated on me years ago and punched out.

To the point of just walking away from the whole thing. Whats the point anyways? I cant win. All im going to do is continue to get played and played until I have nothing left then she will just leave me.


What's going on? I thought she agreed to a recovery?

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YEG,

Just looked in here. I was on the computer to plan the meals and groceries I need to prepare for my own W coming here tomrrow for a couple of days. I am truely sorry to see you feeling like this YEG. I take it something serious happened that you had not anticipated. I hope that there are a few veterans still around this holiday to offer advice and encouragement.

YEG you are NOT pathetic. STOP IT!!. You have simply made a nymber of mistakes by going against MB concepts and the advice of others here. My gut feeling tho YEG is that you don't seem to be in a good enough emotional or mental state to handle this at this time. You need some relief. I would advise you to take a deep breath and as best you can get to your Plan B..finally. If this is just not an impulsive reaction on your part, and if your W did do something to cause you this much pain to relate your feelings in this manner, then you do need to back off from her. I can't remember if you are in IC YEG, but I would also advise you to locate a pro-marriage psychologist who is also very adept at promoting self change.

Well, will pray, is all I can do. Take very good care.

Tom






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See I just feel like im gonna get snookered.

I thought I was doing the right thing by getting as far as I did. Now I just feel im wasting my time again. Ive been seeing all weekend how im a weak F@#$ up.

Now regular as clockwork she isnt so sure again. Its like she gave me just enough to keep me from tossing her. I KNOW she is cake eatting. She is keeping up BOTH on a string. Now she wants to see what this weekend really means. Bleh.

All she has been saying all weekend was how much fun we are having. Now she is unsure again if she has the energy to keep going.

At the same time she is holding my hand, kissing me and sleeping in the same bed as me.

its killing me. I feel like im getting totally PLAYED just like yall do. Now DD5 thinks everything is fine again. Now my parents are on board. Then she pulls this $hi+. So NOW if i go PB my parents arent ever going to support her. They feel we have already confused DD5 enough. Im going to look like an A$$ to her parents since im not happy being patient with her. I also am going to feel stupid kicking her out when she is making progress.

She will also run right to him as well. At least i wont have to witness it since all monitoring is off.


(ME) BS - 33YO
(HER) WW - 32YO
Married 7 years
DD5
D-Day - 5/1/10 (PA)
Exposure 5/7/10
Plan A 5/7/10 -
Plan B or Recovery on 7-1-10 Its in her court ATM
My thread
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YEG:

I am not surprised at all she is in roller coaster mode and waffling back and forth.

I certainly did not expect a 180 degree turn around.

Why do you see this as a setback?

Don't fell bad because she is uncertain. This has nothing to do with you? Do not feel pressured by the mandates of MB. No one can do this perfectly and no WW turns around perfectly either.

Did you say she is holding hands with you and that you slept with her? That is a whole lot more than before!!!!!

Be nice, firm, funny, graceful. No not cry, beg, or talk about OM. Do not put OM down, that is a no no.





Stanley
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