Setting up solid visitation is overdue, IMO. This is what separated and divorced people do, FOR THE KIDS. I would settle this in fast order, so that the kids KNOW when they will be seeing their dad. Consider, right now, that these kids don't know when/if/how often they will ever see their dad again. After the visitation is set up, it will be up to him to follow thru. Consider setting up some structure for them. It's really important. They are twisting in the wind right now, and could use just about ANYTHING to hold on to. THINK LIKE A PARENT for them, who happens to be a BS.

As for the art show, if you do go and your WH goes too, make yourself scarce or do as Mimi said and surround yourself, like a shield, with friends and loved ones. Stop allowing excuses to have contact of any form, even in your head.

It's the same process I went thru when I quit smoking. I stopped allowing myself to make excuses for falling off the wagon, so to speak.



WHAT???!!!

What the frick are you talking about, JJ? This is crap thinking. Get rid of it. CRAP CRAPPITY CRAP. YOu did nothing of the sort. Did you actually give up on the marriage? um, not from my vantage point. You are STILL MARRIED, and fighting like hell to keep it that way. Don't fall prey to this craptastic line of thinking.

If you stay dark and shut this droid out of your life, you will start to uncover the reality, and you will stop buying into this notion that you've mucked it all up. STOP IT!!!

Dang, woman! YOU know what you are doing, right? Well, THAT is what matters here. Anything your WH says or does right now is to be IGNORED. When/if he comes by the house to get a car or pick up mail or be annoying, you walk away from the windows, shut the curtains, turn on some great music and boogy.

Keep up the darkness. This first couple of weeks is very difficult. You long for contact; you experience your own withdrawal. Remember this, so when your husband comes home and suffers withdrawal, you will understand the desperation and can even tell him so.

BTW, nothing has ended as of yet, JJ, so get that thought out of your head, too. It's not over 'til it's over.

He sure is good at rattling your cage; wish you could recognize that for what it is--childish antics.

Yep - if it reeks of adolescent get-even-itis, it's a wayward!

So what did you do to get your Goddess on today? There's still a few hours left in the day - paint your nails. treat yourself to a facial. a detoxing herbal tea, and a hot bubble bath.

Take your children to see Prince Caspian tomorrow. Go for a nature hike. Breathe in that fresh air and cleanse those lungs!

Pick up a new CD that revs you up and has you banging on the steering wheel - some praise music, or Janet Jackson kick butt music...

Grab a camera and take pictures of something beautiful - like lilacs, or rose buds, or apple blossoms. Something renewing. Print it out and plaster it around your office. Or go to Home Depot and pick out some paint and take an artistic room make over class...

Bring out your best - and let the drama float down the gutter to join the rest of the sewage of the past... Never stop to study a t*rd!

ok...a few words on the Porsche and I'm done......


Who cares if he took it?? He did have it for sale and he may have sold it?? He may have done this to get me rattled??? He may have done this so I won't have any clue if/when the BOW comes into town???? Anyway, it is not my problem and in all honesty, it was taking up space in MY driveway, so now I don't have to worry about that any more....or worry about if the kids will accidentally hit it with their bikes or balls...so in the end this is GOOD for me.....and no longer my concern.....


SL...not so sure about the WD...I'm not sure if I could do well with him going through WD of her. I know I must accept it, but when I look back at these past months and knowing what I know now, he has done that many times, and always came to me looking to me to ease the pain. I was not enough. I was used. I'm not a big fan of that. Things maybe different later on, but right now I cannot see it. But again, not my problem.

Kayla....YOur a doll...So how did I get my GODDESS on today?? Mom and I got pedicures and had lunch. We had a good talk (wanna know how long the fog can last?? well mom is still in hers after 20 years, but that is a WHOLE nuther subject....). Not about WS and I but a talk none the less. Then we went shopping where I tried on the cutest little blouse that makes my waist look non-existant....I willl have to go buy it this week. Maybe I will wear it Wed. when I will look my GODDESS best....and now I think I will do the hot bubble bath thing.

Thanks everyone. I know what is going on, I know where I am, and I know my truths. I shall stand by them, because If I don't love and protect me, then who will????

And tomorrow, before anything happens I will sit the kids down and have a talk with each one of them (actually I'm getting ready to go talk with DD14 now...).

We will make it through this....and life will be ok....

((((everyone))))))


jj

it is going to be really really hard not to let him get to you but you must try. i wish i had not let mine get to me as much as he did. i don't let him anymore. and that pisses him off even more! once in a great while he will suck me into a reaction but not very often. they seem to thrive on reactions and sucking you into the drama. don't allow it.

also, he is just throwing a major tempter tantrum. expect more of them for awhile. it is going to be all about "fine she wants me out of her life, i'll show her! grrrr... she wants to take MY control away? well, i'll show her again!" it is almost comical in a way. mine could not stand his control being taken away so much that he did some really stupid things and now has an arrest record. guess he showed me huh? he almost lost his job over it.

these are men who have very deep issues with control, narcissism, etc. men like this need help and rarely get it.

just keep venting here.

oh, and don't ask for ANY help from any of his relatives and tell your kids the same. tell them if anything needs fixing you will take care of it. don't give your ex the satisfaction of thinking that you need his family for things. show him through your actions that you can take care of things yourself and you don't need him or his family for ANYTHING. he wants you to fail by making you think you need him or his family. he thinks by taking them away from you you will fail. PREVAIL INSTEAD!

mlhb

Unfortunately if YOU choose recovery, you are going to be there for his withdrawal, unless he's already dumped OW prior to coming home. Just the way it is. What I was suggesting, not so well, I guess, is that you will understand the day in day out stuff and can even tell him so. I'm certainly not advocating you allow him to wallow. EW.

I trust that the man that would come home to you, at this point, will be contrite and will WANT to be with you, so withdrawal will be something he will readily want to get thru. YOu have only experienced the wayward coming home. I've heard it's completely different when they are ready for recovery.

i think he has a lot of work to do personally before this man is ready for recovery, IF he ever is. he is wayyyyyy to into himself and his happiness at the cost of everything else. he is also wayyy into blaming others. he sounds A LOT like my ex who is STILL that way. i think it is going to take an awful big epiphany for jillyju's wh to think HE needs to change.

personally, i would not allow a wayward home UNLESS i had proof positive ow had been dumped and was long out of his life. i have no need to watch someone who is supposed to be MY husband go through withdrawl over another woman.

and SL i am sure it would be quite different to have a spouse that came home and was ready for recovery over one who came home and was not. i would not allow one home who was not ready for recovery ever again. BTDT and you see my sig line. it is a waste of time to break plan B or allow a wayward home when they are still wayward imho.

jilly, go to the function for your daughter. you do not need to let wh know about the function. if he is so concerned about his kids schedules he will be proactive in finding that stuff out. then, hide, protect yourself by being surrounded by friends. if he comes near you, just walk away. do NOT talk to him, look at him, look his way, nothing. trust me, it can be done. my ex goes to functions of my kids and we never say a word to each other or even look at each other.

mlhb

I agree mlhb.

Gee, I hope you guys aren't under the impression that I am advocating JJ breaking Plan B, or that I don't see how far her WH has to go to get right. I must be saying something in the wrong way. Sorry 'bout that.

Believe me, I was duped. I KNOW what it looks like to go thru a false recovery due to the lack of commitment by a WH. He sure had me convinced that he had changed, but due to what I've read here about WH's that are committed and how they act, PWC was far from ready. It's a character thing. Right and wrong are not relevant to him. Only how he FEELS. I can safely say that he harbored lots of anger and blame. Makes it pretty hard to recover with someone who won't focus on their part of the work and their part of the breakdown.

Anyway, hope that explains my position a bit more.

JJ, you are doing well. The extremes you are feeling are normal. The logistics you are coming across with Plan B are normal, and you may have to get creative.

I worry for you on this occassion because it is so soon since you have entered Plan B.

Good morning girls....and guys...

It is a BEAUTIFUL day here in the midwest.

As far as the art show. I will be there. Right now my focus is on me and the kids. WE are all pitching in today with some yard work. We have had so much rain here, its awful. And the yard work has been neglected. My patio is a mess. Today I want to get it beautiful and gleeming as it is one of my favorite home improvements on this place.......

Other than that, not much going on. ....just trying to enjoy the day and my kiddies....

Thanks guys you are the best...


jj

Hi Jilly,

Checking in with the PNW and it's magnificent out here as well. Oh what G-d can create on days like this.

{{{{{{{{{{{{JIlly}}}}}}}}}}}}

oh...and I am not breaking Plan B. This is the time for me to recover and heal. So that I will be strong enough to face whatever comes next.....


It may sound selfish, but I have been to He)) and back (literally...I as in Hell, Jamica just a couple of weeks ago...lol) and just need a breather. I no longer want to do battle.....just some peace and rest....

jj

{{{{{Scottie}}}}}},

Here's a post to me from a gifted VET Starfish. She posted this to me when I was in my Plan B. I was posting under the pseudo name Jillyju because H had found out about MB and was following (or stalking...... ) my postings. She had some profound things to say to me.......


The words highlighted are my gift to you. Sapphire stated today in Sol's thread the true goal in MB Plans was a happy marriage. I, myself disagree. It may have been my goal at first, but as I got further into my Plan the TRUE goal became to become a BETTER and WONDERFUL ME, no matter what the outcome of my marriage.......

That, my dear friend, is what I hope for YOU!!!!!!


Not

Ps.....if my last couple of posts see, a bit out there.....well, I'm a bit strung out on Vicodine.......

I chipped my tooth.....

Excellent BUMP