Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3
#2400552 07/05/10 01:44 AM
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 8
A
ASmtih Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
A
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 8
I have been married for 18 years to a wonderful woman. We have three children, who are all very special. The reality is that I have a great family.

Which leads me to my problem. After 18 years of marriage, I deployed to Iraq. Within three months, I met a very nice woman. We became friends, and, in a very short order it became sexual. The affair lasted about two months and she returned home, but we kept in touch as friends.

During all this, I kept in touch with my wife. I am not sure why, but I was able to justify my actions in my mind and had no problem telling my wife that I loved her and missed her.

I returned home on mid-tour leave, and about a week in to it, the reality of what I had done hit me like a train. To make things worse, I realized that I never even asked the woman I had the affair with about STDs. I put my wife�s life in jeopardy. I subsequently asked the woman about an HIV screen, and she had done one for the military about three months after our affair and was clean. I also had one done, just to be sure and am awaiting the results. After speaking with the woman about this matter, I told her that I had to break it off with her completely as I realize that keeping her as a friend would be a slap in the face to my wife.

But, what do I do now? I do not know why I even had the affair. As I said, my wife is beautiful and perfect for me. It is killing me that it was so easy for me to betray her trust. I know that I could never tell her, because it would devastate her, not to mention my children who think I am some great American hero. Please, I don�t know how to get past this. I know I did wrong, and it was a conscious choice on my part to do this. I just do not know why, or how to move forward. Advice or suggestions are greatly needed. Please.

ASmtih #2400554 07/05/10 02:05 AM
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 1,637
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 1,637
You.Have.To.Come.Clean.With.Your.Wife.

Because on some level, she already suspects, and is tortured.


Chrysalis
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 2,803
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 2,803
Welcome to MB.

It's late and you probably won't get many responses tonight, so I suggest that you spend some time reading over the site. There are a lot of great articles here about recovering from an affair. Read them, and order the book "Surviving an Affair."

Yes, you will have to tell your wife. Telling her isn't what will destroy her. You already did that when you chose to have an affair. The damage is done, but lying to her will only make it worse.


Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 54
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 54
BTW you didn't meet a nice woman. Nice women don't have affairs with married men. Nice women don't set the stage to break up a marriage.

Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
[Linked Image from bestsmileys.com]

This is a thread that I started to help newly betrayed but Wayward spouses can gain a lot of useful information from this thread as well. DON'T skip the parts, DO THE WORK.

You need to tell your wife as your FIRST step. You CAN do this. You have reached out for help, so take the suggestions and run with them.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
ASmtih #2400582 07/05/10 07:14 AM
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352
It wasn't clear from your post, but I gather that you have returned to your overseas deployment, and are apart from your wife as you write us. If so, you might have to refrain from hitting her with this most painful of all confessions until you are home. NO ONE deserves to absorb that kind of blow via e-mail or phone connection.

Until then, you have some serious work to do to heal yourself, before you have to ask your wife to help heal your broken marriage.

Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
Where has DrH ever suggested that someone NOT tell their SPOUSE IMMEDIATELY? His wife should know about the destruction that is taking place in her marriage. She should be told TODAY. ASmith came here and asked for MB help. Let's stick to that shall we?


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
ASmtih #2400598 07/05/10 08:59 AM
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by ASmtih
But, what do I do now? I do not know why I even had the affair. As I said, my wife is beautiful and perfect for me. It is killing me that it was so easy for me to betray her trust. I know that I could never tell her, because it would devastate her, not to mention my children who think I am some great American hero.

Asmith, your wife has to be told. This is information about her life that she has a right to know. To not tell her is cruel and manipulative. I would tell her the full truth now because she can help keep you accountable. Additionally, I would tell your chaplain and your commander so they can keep you accountable while you are over there. As long as this is kept secret, you can resume the affair. But if you take those steps, you can cut off that path.

She probably already suspects something is amiss so telling her now will just give her relief.

When will your deployment be over? Apparently, you are vulnerable to an affair when you are away from your wife. And this is not uncommon at all. Dr Harley calls overnight travel away from one's spouse "an invitation to an affair. " It certainly has been in your case.

So, the first step is honesty. Honesty with your wife, your chaplain, your commander will help keep you accountable until you are back with your wife. Don't wait to do this. Waiting will make it easier for you to resume your affair and will just prolong your lies to your wife. The longer you lie to her, the harder it will be to clean up the damage.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: May 2010
Posts: 1,879
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 1,879
I agree lying to your wife will only hurt your marriage, and if you are truly remorseful on what you did then telling her the TRUTH (all of it) will only help it.

Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352
At the risk of being scolded again by some of the more dogmatic correspondants on this site (few of whom, I believe, have had their marriage subjected to the stresses of deployment to a war-zone), let me expand on why your being home will be vital to easing the blow you are about to deliver to your spouse.

1) Your physical presence will provide an assurance of your intent to work through this as a team. Your wife may very well lash out, verbally and/or physically, and you would do well to be there to accept her fury, acknowledge its legitimacy, and ask for her forgveness. However many times it takes.
2) She is going to need immediate responses from you over the period following the revelation, and not at times that are easily coordinated 10(?) time-zones away. She will be shopping, and something will trigger her to the extent that she will need a phone call RIGHT THEN to get her past that crisis. She will be jolted from her sleep by another disruptive thought, and wake you up with a demand for answers. There will be untold numbers of these instances, and you must be there to deal with them.
3) Unsurprisingly, her first question and most pressing need will be for the "Why?" of your actions, which you say you do not yet have. Find the answer NOW, pal. Not a trite, "get-me-off-the-griddle" answer, but the "who-am-I-what-do-I-need-and-why-am-I-so-broken" answer that will not be comfortable to unearth. Not having that answer will be like papering over a mold-infested wall. Fortunately, you're already here and have access to some extraordinary advice, in the libraries, and among those of us who care enough to help.

On re-reading your note, I discovered your thoughts that you would consider NOT telling her at all. NFW, amigo. As bad as hearing of your betrayal from you will be, hearing it from another party would be immeasurably more devastating. And given the nature of a military environment, where people tend to re-encounter colleagues from previous assignments, with all the attendent jealousies and unresolved personal conflicts, it will get back to her eventually. (My bet would be through, if not directly from, a girlfriend/confidant of the AP.)

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by NeverGuessed
At the risk of being scolded again by some of the more dogmatic correspondants on this site (few of whom, I believe, have had their marriage subjected to the stresses of deployment to a war-zone), let me expand on why your being home will be vital to easing the blow you are about to deliver to your spouse.

This is bad advice that will just lead to a prolonging of the affair and a compounding of the crime. I know that you mean well but you are new to the board and not familiar with working with military marriages. The longer he waits to tell her the truth, the longer he lies by omission. Better to tell her now and confirm her suspicions that continue to keep this secret from her. EVery day that goes by is another lie added to the mix. And a new opportunity to resume the affair. So your reasons make no sense.

When a BS comes on this site with suspicions,[and they usually do suspect] it is especially stressful when her H is deployed and she has no way of confirming her suspicions. Almost always they KNOW something is wrong and are driven crazy by the inability to confirm those suspicions.

It is much better to tell her NOW, give her all the facts and offer to tell your commander and chaplain so they can hold you accountable.

Quote
3) Unsurprisingly, her first question and most pressing need will be for the "Why?" of your actions, which you say you do not yet have. Find the answer NOW, pal. Not a trite, "get-me-off-the-griddle" answer, but the "who-am-I-what-do-I-need-and-why-am-I-so-broken" answer that will not be comfortable to unearth. Not having that answer will be like papering over a mold-infested wall. Fortunately, you're already here and have access to some extraordinary advice, in the libraries, and among those of us who care enough to help.

We already know why he had an affair so this is counterproductive.
Originally Posted by Dr Harley
An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.


Neverguessed, none of the reasons you gave are valid excuses to not tell her now. We have helped untold members of the military on this forum, and deployed or not, the solution is to tell the spouse NOW. Not in the future. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so the longer it is kept secret, the more likely it will be to resume. There is no legitimate reason to wait. NONE. Exposure is to be NOW, not later. Please familiarize yourself with Marriage Builders concepts before you disrupt the threads of newcomers by giving contradictory advice. It is disruptive and counterproductive.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
ASmith, not only can you do exposure before you get home, you can also learn how to ensure you have EPs in place so this NEVER happens again(as long as your BW WANTS to recover your marriage).

So get on that exposure to your wife. Bite the bullet. Your BW already KNOWS there is SOMETHING. Let her know the TRUTH.

Last edited by Scotland; 07/05/10 05:53 PM.

BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 639
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 639
ASmith,

I agree--you MUST tell your wife the FULL TRUTH NOW. Don�t make any weenie excuses. Man up, fall on the sword, take full responsibility, and tell her the truth.

Yes, she will be devastated and hurt--you already ensured that with your affair and you can't put that genie back in the bottle. Don't delude yourself with the self-serving "I don't want to hurt her feelings" nonsense. You already did that.

Truth lives. Truth breathes. Truth always has a funny way of bubbling to surface�no matter how much you try to suppress it.

Lying to her (and not telling or denying the FULL TRUTH is indeed lying by omission) only adds insult to injury...literally.

I can personally attest to the fact that �as bad as hearing of your betrayal from you will be, hearing it from another party would be immeasurably more devastating�.

I guarantee that, as damaging as adultery is to a marriage, nothing will destroy it more thoroughly than denials, deceit, delays, and a$$-covering. These activities will only reinforce to your wife why she can�t trust, respect, or believe in your sincerity. Like politicians who get themselves into a far greater bind by covering-up their misdeeds, lying to her now will only cost you far more later.

There are really only 2 reasons why WSs refuse to come clean:
1) They want to continue the affair. Revealing it greatly lessens the secret thrill and often threatens the affair�s very existence.
2) They are too cowardly to face the personal ramifications of what they have done. Avoiding them only ensures a far worse effect when the truth inevitable starts to leak out later.

Thank you, Sir, for your service to our country. Please don�t dishonor that service any further by dodging your obligations to the wife who was waiting faithfully for you.


xWW:
Secret LTA w/ thrice married OM at her workplace; EA/PA starts ~ 2005-6
Files & completes D - 2007, OM/OMW#3 D - 2007, Affairage - immediately thereafter
Disappears in 2006 w/o even a goodbye to anyone, Never a paragraph of real truth ever spoken
Me/xBH:
M "for life", Suspicions (denied) & desperate Plan A latter-half '06
1st D-day 1/07, full truth D-day 7/08 (all via 3rd parties)
NC w/ xWW 8/08-date, better off w/o unrepentant vileness, betrayal, & rampant deceit in my life anymore
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 3,093
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 3,093
ASmith,


My husband had the intention of never telling me about his affair. Here were his "reasons" and/or "justifications":

1. What I didn't know could never hurt me.

Each day that we spent time together that he kept this affair secret from me was a day that we spent living a lie together. Our marriage was therefore not based on honesty or trust. How could living in a marriage based on dishonesty and deception NOT HURT ME?

Each and every moment that we spent together was a LIE - because his interactions with me were now based on his guilt, his remorse, and his knowledge of a transgression that I had no information about. THIS HURT ME.

Our sex life changed. His expectations of what I might or might not do during our sexual relationships were altered due to his sexual affair. I was confused, and had no understanding of what had changed or why. THIS HURT ME.

Our emotional life changed, because he seemed to blame me for things that were small or innocuous. We fought, something that we had not done before, and over things that he had never been picky about or even commented about before. THIS HURT ME.

He seemed distant at times, and at other times he wanted me to be close to him. I couldn't read his emotions, he seemed upset, but then again he seemed like he wanted to please me, too. When I asked if everything was okay, he would get angry and tell me not to bug him. I felt like I was walking on eggshells around him, and couldn't figure it out. I thought it was me, but I couldn't think of anything I had done wrong, or changed. THIS HURT ME.

Sure, I "didn't know". But there was plenty going on that HURT ME.


2. He was trying to protect me.

Right. He was trying to keep me from knowing that he had betrayed me, for my OWN protection. To keep me from understanding that he had an affair, that he was dissatisified with our relationship on some level, and that he had sought comfort outside of the marriage with another woman - all this in order to PROTECT...ME?

There is no protection in that. What would have protected me, and our marriage would have been if he had told me that he was unhappy with whatever it was...or that he needed something more from me...or that he had an emotional need that was unfulfilled...or that he was feeling vulnerable or needy or weak or angry or dissatified or WHATEVER IT WAS - so that we could have addressed the issue like two people who had a mutual goal of a solid and loving relationship. Instead, he slept with another person to - what?

Not telling me is not protecting me - it is continuing the problem by avoiding the issue that LED TO THE PROBLEM. The affair is a SYMPTOM of the PROBLEM. His secrecy, his affair, his independent behavior, his blaming of me for the affair, all of it - they are symptoms of a bigger problem. That bigger problem is THE STATE OF THE MARRIAGE IMMEDIATELY PRIOR TO THE AFFAIR.

I could not solve the problem if I did not know what the problem was.

If I had never found out about the affair, I could NEVER have solved the problem that was present immediately PRIOR TO THE AFFAIR. He did not protect me from anything by keeping this all a secret.


3. He kept it quiet because he loved me.

It was not "love" that kept him quiet. It was FEAR.

He was afraid that I would leave him.
He was afraid of my anger.
He was afraid everyone would find out.
He was afraid that he would be judged by others.
He was afraid I would think negatively of him.
He was afraid that he would lose face.
He was afraid that he would lose standing in the community.
He was afraid that his friends would think badly of him.
He was afraid of being known of as a serial cheater.
He was afraid I would not love him anymore.

He was afraid, afraid, afraid, afraid.

He was a coward.

Mostly, he was afraid of the consequences of his behavior. Just like anyone else who does something WRONG.




ASmith, You need to man up. Your wife deserves to know the truth of her life. She has every right to decide whether or not to stay married to you. It isn't YOUR CHOICE to make for her. That, sir, is HER decision. She has the right to know that you cheated, so she can have all the truth about the man she is married to. Without the truth, there is NO HOPE for her to make any changes to herself or the marriage to help bolster it against further outside attacks. YOU have NO HOPE in that regard, either.

Only the truth offers that chance. Marriages do not thrive on dishonesty. You have a chance to save it, or trash it. The secret is the surest way to the dump.


Schoolbus




Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support.
Recovered.
Happy.
Most recent D-day Fall 2005
Our new marriage began that day. Not easily, but it did happen.
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 1,879
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 1,879
^ hurray

"And the crowd said.....AMEN!!"

Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 8
A
ASmtih Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
A
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 8
Thank you all for your responses and insight. I am currently deployed.

I am going to come completely clean with her. That is not an option, I understand. And though you may think it cowardly, I am going to start the process here, today, by confessing all to my chaplain. I will sit down and work out the issues with him and figure out the best way to do this, and it may mean waiting until I am sitting in front of her where she can ask the questions that she needs to or strike out in some way. I think bringing my chaplain in to this will also hold me accountable for doing the right thing both in not straying again as well as confessing with the time comes. Although, I do not see how I could ever do this again, I never saw how I could in the first place. So, I understand when you say not telling leaves it open to reoccurring. Also, I will use this time to determine the real why�s about why it happened so that when the questions are asked, I can answer them honestly. I hope that my chaplain can help me find these answers.

Regardless I will face up. I had thought about not telling her, but you are absolutely right. The decision needs to be hers, she deserves much more than she has gotten from me.

And I know it probably means nothing to many of you, but I am truly sorry. For years I have heard in church and from others how devastating adultery can be. I just guess I never realized how true it was until it touched me. I wish you all well with your situations, and I hope you wish my wife the same. Please pray for me that I will stay on the path to do the right thing by her, and that in the end she is ok.

Thank you again

ASmtih #2400867 07/05/10 10:41 PM
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
ASmith, please tell her very soon. It doesn't have to be in person. But the longer you wait, the more resentment she will have for lying to and tricking her. She will remember every conversation as a LIE when she finds out afterwards.

I assure you she knows something is wrong and it is probably driving her crazy not being able to figure it out.

We have scads of women who come on this forum who SENSE something is wrong but can't put a finger on it. So tell her NOW. Don't make this worse by keeping it a secret.

She can also help keep you accountable and work with your chaplain. We have had many wives of deployed soldiers who worked with a commander and/or chaplain in cases of affairs.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


ASmtih #2400904 07/06/10 07:05 AM
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 2,589
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 2,589
Asmith,

For all the reasons in the previous posts, I agree you should tell your wife now, not later.

Send your wife to this site, so she can get assistance.

Some other questions: You wrote that your affair partner re-deployed and that you stayed in contact as friends. Are you still in contact? Is the OW married? When you re-deploy, will she be in the same area as you? Have you taken steps to end the affair, not just be physically separated from your affair partner? By the way, get over the fantasy idea that you had an affair with a nice woman. She was a woman with no qualms about bedding another woman's husband.

AM

Last edited by armymama; 07/06/10 07:11 AM.

BW - 70
WH - 65
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
ASmtih #2401033 07/06/10 12:00 PM
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352
Quote
And though you may think it cowardly, I am going to start the process here, today, by confessing all to my chaplain. I will sit down and work out the issues with him and figure out the best way to do this, and it may mean waiting until I am sitting in front of her where she can ask the questions that she needs to or strike out in some way.

Good luck with your recovery and healing process with your wife. It will not be pleasant, nor easy, but it can be done. It seems I have been a lone voice suggesting that you conduct that most brutal of all confessions only upon your return to your family, but we all bring different experiences and personal histories to this discussion. The principles embedded in the links and documents here are invaluable; it is only the specific implementation that must be tailored to our own situation. Your use of your chaplain is, I would think, going to be of great value in starting this process.

God bless you, friend.

Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 8
A
ASmtih Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
A
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 8
I would like you to all know that I have told her. I could not talk to her on the phone without crying and finally had to explain what was going on. She will not answer the phone from me now, but I have called her brother who is a preacher and he is trying to get a hold of her.

I will keep trying to contact her.

Please pray for us, or at least her if you can for me. I understand.

Page 1 of 3 1 2 3

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,071 guests, and 57 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5