Tom, what are you saying in this post?

Is any of this an apology to the posters to whom you have been rude? If so, why not say unequivocally "I apologise"?

Is any of this admitting that you have been drinking many times when you have posted here? Are you apologising for that, and for berating people who took you to task for your posts?

Is any of this an admittance that you have engaged in wayward behaviour with your "friend" Tanya, possibly because you have been drinking? Are you going to apologise to Mr Wondering, among others, for blasting them for calling you out about this waywardness?

Is any of this an apology for threatening suicide here, trying to make people feel guilty for driving you to it, and making caring people worry about you? Are you admitting that you were drinking when you wrote those posts, too?

If you are deeply disappointed in yourself, why was your first post here yesterday yet another insult, to the poster RemainNameless? This followed the same pattern as many others; you were rude to her, she pointed out your rudeness and you apologised, when you should know by know not to post like that in the first place.

Will you continue in this pattern?

And, you know, there is no need to tell people that you are "not going to here post here much". You just stop posting! Giving notice that you intend to stay away is another attention-seeking gesture designed to elicit pleas for you to stay.

It is time to stop this pattern of insulting, threatening, seeming to apologise, insulting again, withdrawing, coming back and insulting again. It is time to focus on improving your behaviour. Stopping drinking is the first step.

Well said, Sugar. Let's hope it hit the mark.

Thanks, bliss!

Concentrate on your sobriety.

At least one AA meeting day...

Without sobriety there will be no recovery in any part of your life.

Keep the serrenity prayer close.

One day at a time.

SC,

Yes that was intended to be an apology to all the posters on this site. Yes I had been drinking for several weeks before this. I admit it. Yes it was crying for help to some people who I thought at the time I could have care. That was immature. At the time C and I were not in contact and I ..as opposed to her.. let it bring me despondent. She was angry at the time that I was not doing enough to get her to a better care facility. Yes I didn't give a d**m about what I posted here to be honest because at the time I felt combative and despondent. I felt like me against the world, So honest, I did not give a d**m who I affected or offended. Sometimes that is easier on a website than face to face because you do not have to see the person. That is the level I let myself get to.

Char actually called the local police I learned with the phone call from our dau. and with help from her counselor. They all know I drank several beers and took four sleeping aid pills that night and now I at least have the psychiatric counselor at the hospital and also the psychiatrist who I know and C know for 35 years for medication. I did bring her here on Tuesday for her 65th birthday. She inspected the condo while she was here for both alcohol and pills. I had kept the pills and she washed them down the sink. There is no alcohol. She held my head with her hands at one point and told me if she ever learned of me doing anything like this she would walk away. She didn't hold my head loosely it was like she could want to crush my skull at the moment. She is 65 but she is a strong person. She kept asking me how I feel and I told her - it is like I feel sort of impotent in fact that I cannot get her to a good transitional place for more than two years based on our (my) financial situation. We discussed fact that she does have an inheritance that could help keep her there for more than that, but her brother has not been responding to her or me on this for over three months. And yes, she has a bad back and her legs are weak so I massaged her and we slept together. I was honestly nervous at having her here overnight when I know she is disallowed, but I needed that for us and I was willing to take the risk.

All I can say at this point is that I am sorry for offending everyone here. I did show her just a small part of my posts and I am not afraid of doing that because she does not have access to a computer nor is she pc literate. Just so you know she is the most honest, moral, and loyal person (woman) I could ever know. She was appalled and told me so. She is the only one on earth besides God and my concience to cause me to feel shame and remorse. She is a sort of hyper person when she is feeling good - open to talking to anyone and everyone and not afraid to bring me into her group or contacts as her husband. She is also a very very sensitive person and in need of admiration, affection and and just simply intimate attention which I have not given her over the past couple of years.

Three meetings last week and four meetings the week before. Simply, I hated the first meeting when I had to disclose what I did and where I am at. I feel comfortable again like I did in early 90s. My sponsor now is ill and cannot get around much so have chosen another. We relate. He has called me about three times day last week. If I say no to a meeting or put him off he is going to fire me as he said. I dont want to be fired by this guy.

I do feel ashamed to have violated this website and all of you here- this is what char advised me to say and I say it willingly and sincerely.

Tom

Also. despite my own problems and inflictions of harm to others I am in usual times very willing to compromise and altho not a 'softie' I am very willing to admit my faults. The reason I say this is that has always made me yea a sort of 'softie' when it comes to others in need. The only reason I say this is that I am really concerned about YEG...and okay igrip. The reasons: okay, I had a lovely devoted wife for most of my like. I cannot imagine discovering an affair on her part. When two people are together like that you just have to take that as truth. I fully realize deception, but in my case I know her and I know me. Char and I are well beyond the early years and now I know she and I have a great history that neither of us wants to have wiped out. Those two are so young that I fear that they do not know what they may be giving up thru inaction. For an old coot, I just wish they both would saddle up. I know I would, but fortunately I did not have to back then.

It is just discouraging to see this.

Tom

SC,
I am also fully aware now as I was not before that this was my way of striking back at her for the times that my son and I realized that she had taken an overdose and had to be hospitalized. I honestly forgot to mention that in my last post. It made me a pitty pot as a man that if in my turmoil I could get back at her thr others.

Altho deep down I realized that a couple of weeks ago he pointed out I was wanting to aim at her.

I feel stonger now. Based on a lot of realization that this is my responsibiliy for me and my wife and yea w/o telling this guy I realize he felt I wa an 8 year old at the time.

Going to call Char in a few minitues and then take care of my garden with full realization that you do not have to be macho to be a man. Maybe that is what has been bothering me all thru last several years. You have to be simply your human self whether male or female and hope, but let the honest chips fall where they may. I know now that no matter what you have done you do not have to go thru hoops - that causes needless stress - you have to look the other partner in her (or his) eyes and just look and trust.

Tom

Hello,

I am not going to overlook that the silence here is a recognition that I am despised. I am conscious of that. But in general it has been a decent week.

Char did have a nice birthday, and I took the risk of having her stay overnight here last Tuesday, and that went fine (undected by anyone). She wants to do that again and that is the hitch. I cannot for another few months so as to not to raise concern or possible detection.

Meantime I have job leads ( my contract with former employer ends the end of this month). Receive the hospital bill for my incident and arranged to pay and Char knows about it.
Look if you guys do not want me here just say it. Okay. I am not begging, I am now doing several things to strive. I have cut down to 10 cigarettes per day. Am taking my medication and seeing my counselor. I am finally eating healthy (last month) lean beef or fish or pasta and vegitables or sea food or cereal. Have begun to exercise just simply starting with pushups and situps. Am starting simple.

Tanya is gone from here for all I know. Have not seen her heard from her. In all honesty she seemed to being hanging by a thread financially for her condo unit here and may have lost it. She was working at McDonalds. I don't miss her or any of that.

Anyway, beside my marriage, my patio garden now is my pride too, along with my kids and my hope.

Tom

Not by me, Tom, and I very much doubt by anyone here. I'd be astonished to hear that anyone here felt that way.

I'm completely out of my depth on your marriage, on Char's needs and on your recovery from alcoholism, so I do not give advice to you. I'm glad to hear that things are improving and I hope they continue to do so.

Hi,

Saw my counselor this morning - took day off today - and was ready to hear his evaluation. This was not ordered by a court just my agreement with the dr. at the hospital to get released from there timely. They could have kept me for another day.

Anyway that was two and half weeks ago. Char calls and checks on me and just to talk. It has been hard and has been embarassing esp my attack on others in my frustration. But do you know what you feel - it is like you have your back against the wall. You simply allow yourself to lose all that you have learned in you life as far as values and let one incident overwhelme you.

My medication has been cut based on my statement to her that I am searching for a new job, discussion about Char, I guess just my appearance and attitude, and the fact that I had to give her a plan of makeover inculding eating and cooking right and exercise and a commitment to get a physical exam with the next two weeks. Man I stated home exercise beginning of this week sunday ... just the basics which I believe in, pushups situps, hand pulls and such. You can do these on your family living room floor. I feel better and I mean not just better but more concinced I was an a-----e and I need to devote to this but not to an extent that it imbalances my life.

Ya know know there is justice and I honestly believe that God provides but subtely. This tanya is gone she as i understand couldn't pay her rent but I got myself in my uncertainty that I was worthy that I accepted anything. Okay. Other day the russian woman who was sort of keeping tabs on my wife being here at all approached me that day as i had cut off some branches. She was one of those who after the fire last year stood out in front of our condo and like gaped I guess. Point is i had cut some branches from the tomato plants (yeah I know that sounds trite but I am happy I had the chance to have a garden this year) and I was walking to the garbage and she saw me carrying those branches and yelled to me ..waht is wrong. Well bottom line she came up and started ripping lower branches off scolding me and trying to show me how to get them in better shape. A lot of people stop and look now that some of the plants are like 5 ft tall now. Point is she was just trying to help I do not interpret this in any other way, I now have the branches she split off in water containers to get them to flower, I told my wife and that is the irony. Initially when she approached me I almost told her that she should just get away because she told...but I didnt'. I just blurted out what ..because she speaks broken english..and that i didn't know what I was doing as far as gardening. She said hi today and inspected the way i had pruned the plants. But know what, I have a friend now. Her husband has severe osteoporsis to extent that he is now confined to a wheel chair. She had wheeled him out and then she asked me to take him for a walk in his chair which I did..and helped with getting up and down the ramp here. I could hardly understand him and he is older than I even am but one thing that struck me is that he was as I understand in the soviet air force way back in the late 50's when i was in j.h.s. god the realization that at that time we were enemies and now he is actually living here is awsome. Plus the devotion I see in then is also awesome.. The point is I let myself go and I didn't prejudge and know what...I feel now just based on just a couple of their comments that they would not object to Char staying here overnight again if I was here and I always am if she is here. So god I did not react and I am glad I did not and this is like one of those mysterious ways happenings.

SC, the hardest thing is trying to work thru a situation like this. We want to be together, and alot of time C blames me for not resolving it. I do not have the funds now to afford another option. It is not like we want to be apart and yea that is frustrating. Well that is all I can say. Only other thing I can say is that it is so disappointing..and yea I am a romantic and I am idealistic..but to see igrip not responding ..well I was his age at one time and is disappointing. Other guy I posted to is TI but now not so concinced he is real but I feel you have to give benefit of the doubt.

Just thanks,

Tom

I have a question on an issue that is very important to me at this time. I just hope that I have enough credibility left here to even ask for advice. I fully realize that this is so much outside MB, but I have asked a few people in my relationships and have received mixed answers.

Last week as I mentioned here I had Char stay overnight on her birthday. Everything was fine in terms of no one learning of it here and she among other things got a good nite sleep.

Well, we talk everyday now and since last friday she has asked me when she can be here again. She wants to stay overnight this coming Sunday and Monday. My initial reaction is that not two nights at all and I told her so. So now is down to her reqeust not for one night .Monday night. I have started to pay into purchase of the condo and that would be a clear violation of the agreement as the purchase agreement has a clause about her being here overnight since it is knowledge we are married. There is no stipulation regarding her being here during the day as long as I am here with her.

I would have not even considered her being here overnight last week if her counselor and the nursing home admin. did not give her a pass to be here overnight, with her medication for two days, and knowing the risk. Her counselor also told me on way out when I picked her up that she is in good hands where she needs to be and just have a happy time on her birthday. For gods sakes way back in Jan. when she agreed to reestablish contact with me I was grilled in that I should not have her here and why do I. Now it seems they are inviting me to. Yes I know these are professionals, and as much as sometimes I have question their protection and procedures at that home I am now honestly taken aback. On oher hand I tonight feel guilty for not wanting to take the risk. Last week when she was here she was so relaxed and happy or seemed so, I do not feel need of details in terms of our affections, but she was also able to enjoy a grilled shrimp dinner out, being able to shave her legs, my massage to her bach muscles and butt, time with our cats, and alot of other things.

well as I said, I know what I have done wrong here in my expressions on this site, I know this is terribley unusual, and I know each person has to make this type of decision for himself/herself. I will not make my final decision until I talk to the associate pastor at my church on saturday. I am not even going to anticipate I am just going to listen when I go there. She has pressured me, and as much as a WW, but she is not now, but in terms of tearing me for not agreeing with her to allow us to spend overnight.

So I know now how I feel about this risk, i just really need from you all how and what you would feel like and do.

Just thank you,

Tom

Hi,

I have decided to have Char here for two days (one night ) this week. That is afer I had opinions from my kids, friends any the priest.

Yes I am upset that I upsetted you guys. I am also upset that marital bliss seems to be the spokesperson for many of you. Life is too complicated for anyone to act godlike and judge.

In terms of where I am, I am so happy and excited to run the risk of having Char here a night this week.

I watched You Only LIve Twice last night. - the Bond film - she and I saw some of it way back in 1967 at a drive in and I did not see the ending. When I watched it last night I was not teary eyed but just nostalgic.

Even tho I don't get responses here I will continue to try to give comfort and support and encouragement to others as I see fit. Thank you for those of you who have responded over the last few months.

Tom

Hello.

Just an update and I am feeling sad and uncertain.

I did post on 101 because I know this doesn't belong at this forum. It is about my son age 24 who broke with his four year relationship with his older gf (meaning age 34) and that and his periodic depression lost him his job as a veterinary assistant, which he has had for several months. This has killed his career plans. He was hoping to study and train for veterinary medicine - the same field his grandfather was in. He came to move in with me on an emergency basis last Sat., and as far as I can discern he is depressed over this end of the realtionship and not taking the action of asking me for gas money for that week so he could report to work. He is welcome here, but I am riding him. I am trying to be objective but tonight I feel sad for our earthly family. I am sorry for any who have offended in the past but I am just just devastated for him now and rightly so. I will be firm but comforting, but how do you handle an adult son.

Tom