CW- the fast food example was about health, not money. Since we got married I have always tried to do little things to help her eat healthier in an attempt to lose weight. I try and do little things because she does not make the bigger effort on her end for it. I would never make her diet, that is her choice, I just wish she would make a better effort to eat healthier and lose weight. I personally don't need to, so I try and hide occasions when I eat unhealthier foods. (not always by any means)

Because it really isn't benefiting your wife.

And YOU don't get to be the judge of what benefits her.

It's disrespectful.

Only she can do that.

What if she doesn't want to be healthy?

Tom, did you ever watch the movie "Hitch"? Remember those quotes at the beginning?

I guarantee your wife does not wake up in the morning thinking "I hope my husband doesn't start working on our marriage today and sweep me right off my feet, because falling in love would be so incredibly stressful, and it's just not a good time."

That is your response? That is one of the dumbest responses I have seen on here yet. Come on. I have tried my best to not be rude to others on here, but COME ON.

Not sure why I am responding to that, but...my wife does want to be healthier, she has said she wants to lose some weight, when she does lose a few pounds she gets excited, but then it just comes back because she doesn't really do anything about it.

Still am shocked at that response.

Maybe she doesn't make a bigger effort because it isn't important to her she eat healthy.

If you have a need for her to lose wait because an Attractive Spouse is important to you then you TELL her that is your need and TELL her how you'd like it met and LET HER decide if she wants to meet it or not.

You don't manipulate her into doing what you want to do.

This is like when my parents told me I had to go to bed early but they could stay up late watching movies til all hours of the night.

It sounded like crap to me then too...

Now as an adult I know for health reasons I need to sleep x amount of hours, and my daughter needs to sleep y amount of hours. Sometimes I make bad choices and don't get as much sleep as I want - because it is my body and my choice to make, but DD goes to bed every night at her bed time, because as her parent it is my responsibility to make the best choices for my daughter.

That responsibility doesn't extend to my husband.

As an adult he can make his own choices.

So you're ok with treating your wife like a child Tom?

Oh, that's right, I forgot that you find her unattractive as well.

Would you please talk to your wife?

You are being outrageously CRUEL to keep all this from her. You, sir, cannot 'manage' this relationship under a pile of lies. I know you can't, because my H attempted this, as well. He thought a lot like you do. He thought it would be 'easier' to keep hush about bothersome things, and he tried to manipulate things into getting better through lies. He spent an awful amount of time creating a facade that CRACKED--it is NOT sustainable.

Not only are you being cruel to your wife, but you are doing yourself a HUGE disservice. You are creating a life that will have to be rebuilt from the ground up. May as well start right now.

FACT: If your wife wanted to be healthy, really wanted it, she would be healthier.

If you got fast food she would refrain from asking for it. Or if she knew she couldn't refrain, she would ask you not to tell her. Either way SHE would make the choice, NOT YOU.

I, too, want to lose a little bit of weight, and I've struggled. I am always a bit wishy washy because I want to lose the weight but I don't want to do the hard work involved.

This year I've buckled down and started doing the hard work.

Before I didn't want it enough. I'd pay lip service to needing to lose weight - but my decision to lose weight is my own and if it happens it will because I WANT IT TO HAPPEN.

I know DH is frustrated with my whiney wishy-washiness on this issue, but he would never treat me with the disrespect you are treating your wife to on this issue.

Maybe at a later time those issues could be addressed. Right now, it is my job to build up her confidence, build up my support for her, and back her up in her ability to get a quality job.
You are probably right that I need to talk with her about those other issues, but no, I can not start right now. We have to secure ourselves financially first before being able to deal with anything else in the marriage.

Tom, you say you want to come hear and learn to talk to your wife. People have given you oodles of great advice and you are yet to take action.

Please consider picking a topic to talk to her about, write out what you are going to say and post it to the group for comments, take them in and edit it, and then talk to her and report back how it goes.

Let's start seeing some action.

P.S. - You think your wife doesn't know that you want her to lose weight or get a job, but she probably gets subtle hints from you all the time. Do you think she never notices the Wendy's bag in the trash or the burger smell on your breath? Passive-aggressiveness is much more damaging to your relationship that honesty from the heart in the long run.

so if your hubby one day out of frustration told you he "wished you'd crawl under a f'ing rock and die"...you'd like to hear that?

maybe i'm missing something, but not everyone walks around 24 hours a day with happy thoughts about people...some thoughts are best kept to themselves...

Marriage is holistic. It affects every part of your life. If it is to improve you work on all of it.

For it to improve it has to have a strong, healthy framework for improvement.

That framework has four pillars: Care, Protection, Time and Honesty.

If you don't erect the pillars, you have no foundation.

You have nothing to stand on.

You have no way to resolve your issues. You will get nowhere but will sink further into the sand.

Confidence, support, love, all of these can be built simultaneously by implementing the four pillars, not before you implement them, but AS you implement them.

You don't solve your problems and THEN do MB. You solve your problems WITH MB.

What if you could never be financially secure unless you addressed the issues in your marriage? Particularly the lies.

Do you believe in God? Are you Christian? It's okay if you're not, or don't want to say. I think it works the same, either way.

hehe...You say that as if I haven't heard it yet. lol

Yes, if my H is extremely frustrated with me, I want to know. If the only way he knew at the time to say it was to tell me to FOAD, then at least I know how he feels.

Unlike poor Tom's wife.

Mr A, do you think people must be joyous and happy all the time to have the right to speak?

Why does honesty have to preclude avoiding Love Busters?

That is a HUGE Love Buster.

No you don't say that. Of course you don't say that. No one has said you say that. But you can say:

"I'm really frustrated right now and don't like you very much."

Again:

Policy of RADICAL Honesty, not Policy of BRUTAL Honesty.


Have you read the PORH recently?

"I'm really frustrated right now and don't like you very much."

I have lost count how many times my wife has said this to me.

CW- I do believe in God yes, but I don't see why the other issues of the marriage would have to be fixed before the financial situation.
I believe the reason I say that is because I don't think I could emotionally handle dealing with the other issues with a financial issue in the back of my mind.

of course it's a HUGE love buster, which is why I either carefully reword what I'm thinking or just keep my mouth shut for the time being and address the situation once I've calmed down...

but it seems CWMI would rather hear her husband's honesty...but then some people have thick skin...personally I wouldn't want to hear that from my wife, even though she may be thinking it...

I agree with you there Mr. Anderson. I know that I can handle the honesty when my wife gets upset much more than she can. Thus why it happens more often that she expresses her displeasure and I hold it in. I realize she is aware sometimes when I am upset with her (passively), but she doesn't always recognize it. I believe only once or twice have I completely gone off on my wife with what I really felt at the moment. The result was not pretty and I hate going through that.

The answer to fixing the financial issue is to resolve the CORE issues in your marriage.

This will provide a safe, productive, framework for resolving the financial issue, and as a BONUS you'll have a method for resolving other issues as well!

Genius!

So work on the issues of:

Care,
Protection,
Time, and
Honesty.

Then you can use POJA and the 4 Guidelines for Successful Negotiation to solve the financial issue.

Attack the heart of the problem.

The finances are a symptom, not the cause.

You're trying to fix a broken leg with a band-aid. You need to set the leg first.

You need to create romantic love with your wife.

The reason you need the financial issue fixed is because it is high on your list of emotional needs. Isn't it fair to also find out what is high on her emotional needs list and fix that simultaneously? Why is your need more important than hers?