I am new to MB posting, yet have read many stories.

Here is my story, a short version. I have been with my H for 11 years, married to him for 7. I found out on June 1st, 2010 that my H has had multiple A's since we got married in 2003. The 1st one started 6 months after we were married & lasted about 1 1/2 years, he had some feelings for her, mostly it was physical.

He was faithful for a number of years. With a new job, after a year of being there he started a pure physical A, saying it was just physical. That one lasted about 1 year. This last one started in March 2010 & my H actually fell in love with this girl who is 12 years younger than him with a 6 month old baby.

Since he told me I have wanted to repair & restore our marriage. I begged him to stay home, he left, to her in a hotel. They spent three nights together in hotels. On June 7th, after a week of being away from me & our two kids (18 years old & 3 1/2 years old) he decided to break up with her & came home to me. They kept texting & e-mailing so she was outed to her boyfriend who she lives with & her family. She then broke off all contact with my H, changed her cell #, changed e-mails, etc. He has had NC for a month now.

I need to know how long will it take for him to get over her & start to want to fall back in love with me. When do I start to try to do fun playful things with him? I have tried, yet he isn't responsive & tells me to stop. I am reading Dr. Harley's book~LOVE it! Yet I need to hear from other BS's out there. My WS went to see a counselor on his own once & because he isn't ready to come back to God yet he won't go back.

He has told her how he loves her, how is isn't happy & hasn't ever been really truly happy. How she can make him happy, etc. He has told her all the things he told me 11 years ago when we first fell in love.

I am at a loss if this marriage is able to be restored. How do I know if he will ever be faithful to me.

Thank you for your time!
stillhope

Still,

I feel I need to answer your question with a question. Based on your knowledge of multiple A's starting 6 months after marriage, when do think he was ever faithful to you?

I have asked myself that question as well! He was faithful until after we got married, that part I do know. After we got married is another question. Here is what I know from him.

He said that when his job transferred him from the location that was 45 mins away from where we live to right down the street, the first A ended as soon as he moved locations & that he was faithful the entire time he was at the new store. He said he knew he couldn't get away with it here in town. I also was in his store frequently & friends with most of the people he worked with. We also got pregnant & had our daughter during this time.

The next two A's happened while at a new company located 30 mins away. All of the A's happened after he knew the person for a year, so for the 1st year at this new company he was also faithful...so he tells me.

Welcome, Still.

Recovery from serial adultery does happen, although it's more difficult (and not as commonplace) as recovery from a single A.

You'll see by his actions as he gets farther and farther into recovery whether you can/should feel at all safe rebuilding with him. Because of his history, he will need even greater accountability and willingness to be transparent than a garden-variety one-time cheater.

A good exercise for you, since you already read on here, would be whenever you see that an old-timer is a FWS, read back to their earliest posts on here...especially if they came on MB shortly after the end of their A.

The better you are at seeing the de-fogging process in your new friends here, the better you'll be able to see progress, or the lack of it, in your WH.

Your H is and will always be a wayward if he does not take the accountability on what he did to you.

have you told anyone about his multiple A's? If not that will be your starting point on your recovery, you need to let EVERYONE know about them, family, friends, co-workers, etc. He will be very angry with you and might say some nasty things, but that is a good sign. The more people that know the better chance you get to recover in your marriage.

Does the OWM know about the affair? I know they are not in contact but he needs to know what his g/f did with your husband.

Keep reading on this site, all the articles, I would start on this thread first....

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2370240#Post2370240

READ!

If your husband truly wants to recover the Marriage, then I would set up some new boundaries such as...

1. MC with the Harleys
2. Transperancy, no secrets! You having all access to emails, phone, FB, etc..
3. He has to answer all the questions you have regarding all of the Affairs he has been in.
4. Spending 20 Hrs of UA together, no distractions.
5. Read "His needs, Her needs" together.

If he blows up after you expose him, and he wont listen to any of the new boundaries, then I suggest you plan A your husband, he is still a wayward. Read about the carrot and the stick to plan A.....

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1640788&page=1

Sorry you are here...but your first step is to expose all of the affairs, that is if you want to save your marriage.

Thanks Neak!

Hi SapphireReturns. I have told my family (we don't have much contact with his family), our pastor, we have seen a few counselors at our church, & a few friends know. The only one's who don't know are our children. He was actually fired from his job at the end of April because of these two last A's..they were his employees. So all of that workplace knows about them. Thanks to FB, a lot more people know what he did due to the person who got him fired by ratting him out to his boss, wrote about all of his A's on her page.

The OWM does now know. So does her family. When he broke it off with the OW on 6/7, they kept e-mailing & texting. So myself & a dear friend contacted her b/f & her family letting them know that we have proof of the A & that I need help completely ending this A so our marriage can be restored.

He got very mad about that because she then broke off all contact. Now, he has a new cell # that he changed himself. All his old e-mail addresses have been deleted. I have proof that he has had NC since the day she was outed. So we are really coming up on only a month of him being away from the OW.

I've been working on Plan A, at least I think I'm doing it right. He has seemed happier lately & there are times we get close physically & emotionally. Then there are days like today when it seems like he can't stand me to be next to him or even touch him too long.

He started a new job, this one is part-time & very close to home. The other starts in a week & is full-time. He has been home with me & our kids (our 18 year old isn't home much anyway) since he was fired...minus the few times he lied about having an interview & went to see the OW.

I have full access to his e-mail, snail mail, cell phone & records (as long as he doesn't delete anything off his phone before I see it), he doesn't have a FB or MySpace yet if he did I'd have access to that too. He hates that I am asking him to be an open book, he has never liked that. Now I know why. When he starts his FT job I have asked him to give me a 24hr schedule & for us to have phone calls through the day (from Dr. Harley's book), he said he doesn't like it but he'll do it.

I'm not sure that gives me much security though. For 11 years we have had great communication, we always have told each other ILY
numerous times a day, we text all the time, call each other all the time, always have had a great sex life with a few dry spells here & there yet nothing we didn't fix, always very lovey with each other. So there were zero signs any of this was happening.

I will check out the links, thank you!
Any other advice?

Sorry, I am reading SAA now. My WH said he probably won't read this book, sigh. We are going to read Everyman's Battle together as well as His Needs/Her Needs after that.

It seems that it is too soon to push too many books on him this early. I don't know...never been here before.

Another question I have is for during Plan A. How do I know that the time is right to be more playful with my WS? I try to goof around like we used to...tickle him, etc...things we did when we fell in love that we haven't done in years.

It seems that when I try to do these things I get pushed away with him saying "stop it". How soon is too soon?

Assuming that you are trying to plan A him, let him make the advances. You are not mysterious enough.

Your husband sounds like a serial cheater. How do you see yourself and him 10 years from now.

If he gets the right help & we both get couples counseling, I can see us very happy & him faithful in 10 years. Living the life we have always dreamed of.

He is a serial cheater. He said that he has been trying to fill a void inside by seeking these OW's. He also said it was all about control, controlling them, controlling his environment at work knowing who was where at what times, controlling what he could get away with.

There are days I try to be mysterious, not sure I know how mysterious I should be. Do you have any suggestions? I do flirty things that have made him smile & on other occasions he didn't like me flirting. How should I go about being mysterious? I am trying to fill his EN by letting him know I love him & that I am here to fight for our marriage, to fight for us, & to forgive him when he is ready to ask for forgiveness. Please let me know some other things I should do along with wearing somewhat revealing clothing around the house & going about my day without trying to hit on him?

Thank you!

Stillhope, Dr. Harley has very specific steps that he recommends when you are at the stage of restoring your marriage.

Here's a link to the article.

Keep in mind when a WS intially comes home, they are still very foggy. It takes awhile for them to come out of this. Meanwhile, even though it doesn't seem fair, the BS usually carries the load on recovery... up to a certain point. If your teasing or flirting is annoying to FWH right now, stop it. Part of Dr. H's recommendations is that you spend this time meeting each other's ENs (he probably won't be ready to do this yet) and to work on fixing things in the marriage.

Anyway, read the article. Recovery is HARD, HARD, work and it doesn't happen over night. It took you a long time to get to this place, and it will take a long time to build a great marriage.

The ideal solution is to call the coaching center and let them guide you. Even better, would be to attend a MB weekend if you can afford it.

Remember, this is a marathon, not a sprint.

Welcome!

Thanks princessmeggy, the A has been over for a month...sounds like a short time...seems like forever!

There are times that my WH will initiate touching, kisses (small, not passionate yet) holding hands, & is starting to be able to look me in the eyes. He doesn't always act like me flirting with him annoys him, it's 50/50. He says he has no EN or PN for anyone right now. Still I do my best to meet his EN's as I knew to be...they could have changed so taking the questionnaire from here will help when he is ready.

So how long will this fog take? I am reading & I hear 3-6 months of NC with the OW. How long to I wait to try to flirt with him or tease him? I don't want to miss any windows!

After 11 years, you know him very well, even if the wayward alien is a stranger. You know more than you think you do about when to press forward and when to retreat.

One of my personal favorites to recommend for naughty flirting, is to wait till you're in a public place and whisper to him, "I'm not wearing any underwear." Then change the subject.

And the biggest part is likely to be the family and the home, anyway, so really place a lot of focus there. Admiration is another biggie. If you can't find much to admire about him now, reach into the past and tell him how wonderful you thought it was when he [fill in the blank], how strong and manly he was when he [fill in the blank], etc.

Of course Plan B may still be in your future if he still won't commit to recovery several months down the road, but for now you're in Plan A just as much as if the A was still going on.

Hooray about the NC!!! Great job with exposure, too - sounds like your end of things is going most excellently. (And his, though not great, is very typical. He's reading right off the script.)

Thanks Neak! I really do think highly of your advice!!!!

Just hang in there - this is a long, hard road, but you'll be greatly blessed along the way.

Thanks! Went on a date last night, it was nice & we both had a good time. There were times that he reached out for my hand or to touch me & other times I did the reaching.

We laughed & he actually talked about things in the future with me. We had too much to drink yet still was able to have SF. That made me happy ;-) I don't like this long road & wish that we could be fully recovered now & fully back in love now! Is that a normal feeling for a BS?

I just need to keep my eyes on God & seek His wisdom. Day by day & bit by bit. I don't want to have to do Plan B, I'm sure no one does. It's only been a month of NC. My WS is smiling more, talking about the future more, yet not showing an interest in going back to counseling on his own.

Maybe that will come as his fog lifts.

Are you SURE there is no contact? Generally, a WS will go through a withdrawal where they are very hard to live with, they're actually mourning the loss of their relationship with OP . That's not ALWAYS the case, but it's a general rule. It's when they start acting all happy all the sudden that there is reason for concern. But remember, that's not ALWAYS the case. Just be sure to keep snooping to verify that there is no contact. I would just hate to see you in a FR (false recovery).

The A started in March of this year & he confessed on June 1st. They really weren't together long, yet he felt like he fell in love with this girl who is 12 years younger than him.

My snooping has become a daily ritual ;-) I have a keylogger on the PC & laptop since he came home, all access to his e-mail, phone records & his phone. If he isn't at work he is home & right now his work is only a few mins away from our house so no room for sneaking off before coming home & I do verify that he is at work.

He was very miserable the first two weeks he was home. Sad, full of self-pity, angry when the A was exposed, distant, etc. He was very hard to live with, especially when I was so hurt & he didn't seem to care about my feeling...only his & the OW's. These past few weeks his mood has changed each day. He still has a day here & there where he seems sad & quiet. I try to break that (knowing he is probably missing the OW & it makes me want to vomit)by being fun myself & showing him what he would be throwing away. He then starts to cheer up after being around a happy person~me~for a while.

Not to mention, once the A was exposed, the OW cut off all contact with him. She changed her e-mail addresses & her cell number. My WS has since then deleted all of his secret e-mail accounts & changed his cell number. Still...I snoop snoop snoop!!! I don't want to be in FR either! I'm not even sure we are at the place where I can say we are in recovery though. He is here, he tells me ILY, we have had SF a few times, we do things as a family & as a couple. Yet we have only been to two counseling meetings & they were right after he confessed. The first one was horrible because he confessed he was still seeing the OW & lying about it. That was on 6/7, he broke up with her that night & came home (from 6/3-6/7 he was staying at my parents trailer an hour away for alone time with himself...he would sneak away from it to see the OW...sick!)

After he came home my snooping started because I couldn't trust his word anymore, found e-mails & that they had been texting, once I got proof the A was exposed to her BF (also father of her 6 month old baby) & her family. The OW now will contact me if my WS contacts her. Before she changed her e-mails he sent her two, she texted me & I had her forward them to me. I only confronted him after she sent her response of "I want nothing to do with you, never contact me again, if you get a new number don't give it to me". She kept in contact with me for while to seek help from me on how to restore her relationship with her BF. I told her things that I need from my WS & for her to give that to her BF...then I said I only need to hear from you if my H contacts you again as you can become toxic to our restoring our marriage.

I haven't heard from her since. The last contact I had with her was in the middle of June, the 15th. She even apologized for her part in hurting my family...not sure how sincere it is but I'll take it. She said that she will do anything to keep her BF & her family together.

The mood change could also be from going to church. The Sunday after he confessed the sermon was on lust. He drove an hour to be there, he cried the whole time, he spent the day with me & our kids, then he went back to the trailer. He came home the next night & the next sermon was on adultery, we missed the next one because I couldn't get out of bed & my body gave up...that one was on murder, the next one was on divorce, & the last one was on keeping your word~your yes be yes & your no be no~keeping your vows & oaths. All of these sermons seem to affect him. I can see it in his face, so can other people after the service. He isn't at the place where he feels he can come back to God, yet I keep praying for him to.

Thank you for your advice! I am not sure I will ever stop snooping on him...did you ever stop snooping?

Not to mention, without God, this site & all of you who share your stories & give great advice, without some close friends & a new dear friend who gives me amazing words of wisdom, & reading SAA...I wouldn't be able to get through Plan A as I am.

I am so very thankful for all of you!!! I LOVE to hear of all the success stories & those who are in full recovery!!! It gives me great hope ;-)

You're welcome. It's been six years for me and I will never quit "snooping". I really wouldn't call it snooping though anymore, it's more like verifying.

Snooping is not a bad thing, as everything should be open and available to your spouse anyway and if nothing's hidden, there's nothing to find. However, if my DH ever started reverting back to that WH he was before? Game over.