I've been reading posts for a few weeks and now i'm ready to post. My WH had an affair last year for about 3 months with one of his employees. It started as an EA then when PA in Early March of 09. I had suspicions but he keep denying. Saying we're just friends, she's like a sister blah blah. My husband was working in another state only coming home on weekends because we could not sell our house. So I was not able to really account for where or who he was with. But was not a problem because I trusted him..... Well Febuary of this year he left the company got a new position that brought him home. Everything was back to normal. Then one night I saw his cell phone had a text from the OW that said good night from her and good night sweetheart from him. I literally felt like someone puched me. I confronted him, he said he was being stupid and "flitrty" but never touched her.............

Flash forward to 4/8/2010. He sits me down and tells me that I was right he did sleep with her 3 times but stopped because it was wrong didn't want anything to do with her. He says the affair ended in June of 2009. He then stated he would do whatever to make it up to me and our daughter. Well that lasted 2 weeks. We went to MC on our first appointment he tells the cousselour he didn't want us. He wanted to find himself and the best way to make this easy on our daughter. he still lves at our house, in seperated bedrooms. Says he isn't planning on leaving however will not work on us . I'm totally lost. I have exposed to his father and a close friend of ours. I have not comfronted OW She is single and now longer in the same state. He told her we were "sperated" so she doesn't know we are even together. Thats hard to believe since he never spent Friday-Sunday with her So I know she knew what she was doing. He has not seen her since Febuary but I believe they still talk. I can't do a keylogger because its a company laptop and he keeps his blackberry locked. I dont' know where to begin. Before I found this site I told him he had to leave he didn't but I told him we needed to work on our next steps. He said he didn't hve any next steps and would work on a transisiton. I don't want him to leave because I know it's harded to do Plan A seperated, How can I stop what I've asked him to do? I think the reality of what he did is started to surface. I hear him crying at night. Sorry for the long post. There is way more but this is the condensed version.... Any suggestions?

Sorry you are here...every time I here a new A story it breaks my heart, even thought I was the FWW

Have you read scotlands thread about newly betrayed spouses?

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2370240#Post2370240

Read everything!!

I would start by exposing his A I mean to EVERYONE!!

Family (both his and yours)
Friends (both his and yours)
Co-workers
Church friends
Neighbors

Then I would find who this OW is...find her on FB get all of her family and friends names and send them all a letter, and start exposing on HER side.

Start there.

And remember he will be very angry with you, but for you to save this marriage you have to expose! Trust US!

After your exposure start working on your plan A, oh if he asks you why you are doing this (exposing) tell him you are only trying to save this marriage.

Sorry you are here, and good luck!

I do know her. Do I expose even if the PA is over? Should I contact her directly to let her know we are not seperated and to not call him again? I will read the thread you suggested. Thank You for reading my story.

I would start first by putting a keylogger on his laptop to find out what he is doing. [get eblaster at spectorpro.com. it emails you reports and you only have to touch his computer once]

Secondly, I would find the OW's facebook page and expose to all her friends and family. [we have a letter for this] This will destroy any future for the affair and will likely run the OW off and end the affair. Anytime you find out about contact [ANY CONTACT] I would expose the affair again.

HAve your children been told? If not, I would set them down ALONE and tell them all about the OW and what she is doing to their family.

This is whre I would START. I suspect this will start the crumbling of the affair. If the affair ends within 2-3 weeks, [and I do mean all contact] you would then go to him and tell him that you are willing to forgive him and allow him to stay if he does certain things. I would lay out a plan for recovery and propose this to him.

If he does not agree, I would ask him to move out. If he won't move out, then file for divorce and get him moved out.

Plan A is only supposed to be for 3-4 weeks for women. After that, Plan A becomes dangerous because that is when women start falling apart with emotional and physical symptoms. When you get to that point, it is even less likely your marriage will survive.

Your greatest tool in saving this marriage is to cause as much trouble as possible in the affair FIRST. Try to kill it off and THEN you can begin work on your marriage.

The affair is not over. As long as they are in contact the affair is still on. I would expose her on facebook FIRST and then contact her and tell her the affair is over. Let her know there is no future for her because she will be eternally hated by the inlaws and your children.

The affair is still on. Your H is probably biding his time in the hopes that he can get a favorable divorce. Your H may have also told her that she is separated so he can keep her on the line. Speaking to her will disabuse her of the notion that you are "separated."

Dr Harley, the founder of Marriage Builders call exposure the "single greatest step towards recovery." It is, without a doubt, your greatest weapon.

Exposure

Here is one letter another poster used in facebook exposure to the OM's friends and family:

Dear friend of OW,

It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of her friends and family should be aware that she is having an affair with my husband, Joe Blow. They have been having this affair since at least March according to the evidence. We have been married for 20 years and have 4 children, ages 14, 11, 9 and 7. They are heartbroken about their father�s affair. I just found out about this tonight after overwhelming evidence. I plan on fighting for this marriage.

I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.

I am asking that you use your influence with OW to persuade her to leave my husband alone. You should also watch your own husbands around her because she is no friend to marriage.

Please pass this message onto OW's parents and ask them to contact me at xxx-xxx-xxxx.

Thank you for your understanding.

I suggest you start working on your exposure...the letter melody gave you is really good...have fun! Can't wait to hear what he say's which I probably already know since I have said the exact same lines to my husband when he exposed my EA. Still it's always nice hearing what happened, because it's a great slap in the face for reality!

Thank You all very much. I'm nervous but I know it has to be done.
Should I contact OW directly as well? I don't know how to change my signature wanted to add we've been together 10 years married for 7 1/2 years. We have one daughter 5 years old.

Don't bother talking to the OW, she wont listen

Just go ahead and start the exposing!

Don't tell your husband either.

YES. First expose the affair to her facebook friends and her parents. [hopefully her parents are on there] Then call her up and ask her what her intentions are. Tell her that you and your H are still together and VERY MARRIED. Tell her there is no future for her with your H because she will be eternally hated by your inlaws and your child. '

I would make up a list of exposure targets and get it all done on the same day. That way the infidels cannot pre-empt you and the exposure hits them like a tsunami.

Is this a workplace affair? What does the OW do?

chigirl, before you do that, I have to warn you about something and get your PROMISE. You have to promise that you will not burst out laughing when your husband finds out about the exposure and start screaming at you. The typical WS becomes enraged and starts screaming the most insane things you ever heard in your life. It is like taking the crack pipe away from a crack head.

The worst thing you can do is burst out laughing when he starts in on you. So you must promise to hold back your laughter and excuse yourself. Laughing at him is a huge lovebuster.

It is better to just say "I am sorry you are upset, dear." Don't try to reason with him and most of all: DON'T LAUGH!

Can you control your laughter?

wow, I thought I was reading my own thread. This is exactly my situation. My XWH did exactly the same thing, only he told the OW that he was D'd and was living with her in her state. When he stayed there on weekends, he told me he was working there, and when he came home on weekends he told her he was travelling for work.

Anyway, mine is one long messy story that you can read sometime, but in my case I did call the OW and found out more from her than I would ever have found out from my XWH. When she found out that he was really married she said that she would stay away from him, but he chased her.

Listen to the advice that you get here. I didn't find MB until too late in the game and had made all the wrong moves. If you follow the plan, you will either recover your marriage or recover you if he chooses to leave.

I am so sorry you are here. I feel your pain because I have been where you are. And it sucks.

I'm working on my list now, OW parents are not on FB
but her sister is. Yes it was a workplace affair. They work in the education industry.
after the affair ironically WH gave her a promotion so she became a direct report to him. she was promoted, then according to WH she broke it off with him and he then realized it was wrong..... They work for the same company but at different locations.

I'm laughing right now, but yes I will control my laughter!
I have a feeling tomorrow will be a long day. I have my daughter staying over night with my mom in anticipation of his reaction.

ok, then it will be important to expose them at work. I would send a letter to the director of Human Resources and both their supervisors.

Additionally, can you find her parents and call them directly? Here is a template letter to send to Human Resources.

Developed by Brits Brat, board member and corporate attorney

To Whom It May Concern:

This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your Company's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.

WS and WS are involved in an extramarital affair that is taking place, primarily, in the workplace. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims this situation presents, it also involves the inappropriate use of company resources and assets. WS and WS are using company time and company resources to further their affair. If you check the call histories on their office and cell phones along with their workstation computers, you will find the two of them are spending an inordinate amount of what should be productive work time to further their sexual relationship.

If you have any questions, please call me at xxx-xxxx. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.

Regards,

BS
_________________________

Good thinking! She doesn't need to see her dad acting all crazy and stuff. A WS will usually calm down after a day or two. The stuff they say is all very classic "I was going to work on the marriage, but now Im not!" "why would you hurt the OW like that!??" They try to come up with every crazy threat they can think of to make you stop interfering with the affair. I know its funny but it does blow over soon enough.

chigirl, I only have a minute, but just wanted to throw some additional support your way.

The exposure plan that ML laid out for you is powerful ~ I have seen it work firsthand IRL and also here on the forum. I can't stress enough, try to get everyone in one day if possible, including your daughter. You can tell her that Daddy has a girlfriend, how that's wrong, and that's why there has been tension in the home.

There is a workplace exposure letter also ~ if no one posts it to you, I will find it in the a.m. for you.

Just remember, when your H finds out that you exposed and gets upset, that is a GOOD thing! The more angry, the better. That means your exposure is WORKING. Repeat this to yourself many times

Hang in there!!

Chigirl....I was in the same sitch as you regarding the corporate laptop and locked Blackberry. If your H is being totally transparent with you, he MUST give you his corporate log in and password and also the password to his blackberry. If he has nothing to hide, this won't be an issue. If he is still wayward, he will get mad, accuse you of not trusting him, and refuse to give you the passwords. If he does this, you can be certain he is still wayward.

Once you get the passwords, his corporate office likely has an email portal like webmail.COMPANYNAME.com. You should be able to log in to his email. Check his BB while he is in the shower. My H is GLUED to his and this is the only time he is without.

I can't install a keylogger on this company laptop, but everytime I get a chance, I'm logging into it, checking histories, files, etc.

So sorry you are here. Please read, post and vent. You are in the right place.