here

In order to have a warm, loving marriage, you have to put your marriage FIRST and develop habits that will lead to a warm, loving relationship. If you refuse to do that, then you won't have a good marriage. One has to be willing to take the necessary steps. Otherwise, your marriage will be bad.

In the matter of undivided attention, even Dr Harley says his program won't work without it. He refuses to counsel anyone who won't commit to AT LEAST 15 hours a week. So, he has been doing this for 35 years and doesn't know of another way. Yet you say that is "impossible."

If that is "impossible" I don't see how you could change the dynamics in your marriage.

OK, I�ve thought the same thing about my in-laws�they�ve been married 33 years, mom does everything around the house, plus works, and the only words I ever see them exchange are like :
Dad: This meat is tough.
Mom: I�m sorry, honey, I must have cooked it too long.
End of conversation. I CRINGED at the idea that my husband must be modeling our marriage on theirs. But then it occurred to me�my MIL seems totally happy in that situation. And she�s a brilliant, witty, fun woman, and she wouldn�t allow herself to be a simple domestic servant. I got to thinking about it and realized that they�re happy because they fulfill each other�s needs. FIL obviously values family commitment, admiration, and an attractive spouse ; MIL probably values financial support, financial commitment, and affection (in the form of little considerate gestures). And they probably fulfill each other�s most important mutual needs behind closed doors in the form of SF. Yes, their marriage looks grim and miserable�TO ME. but they always have a twinkle in their eyes.
Yes, some couples stay together out of obligation. But don�t dismiss older couples as products of their generation, stay-married-no-matter-what types. They could be way happier than you realize.
STOP IT, sparkler. I posed the same question in one of my earliest posts, and I see now exactly what I was doing. You�re implying that you know for a stone fact that you WILL NOT get your needs met in your marriage, because your husband just doesn�t have it in him. You�re telling us with this statement that you are CONVINCED that your husband doesn�t love you enough to be willing to meet your needs, and never will. when i did that, you know what i was asking for? I wanted people to say Christ, no wonder she cheated, she�s such a nice girl and she had the misfortune to marry a heartless insensitive jerk. Get a divorce already, babe, you backed the wrong horse. Again, STOP IT. I know it sounds unfathomable, but you�ve got to do this: stop assuming the worst about your husband, his feelings, his motives, his intentions.
Does he seem to lack intensity? Does his highest level of happiness seem to be �content�? HAS IT EVER OCCURRED TO YOU THAT in spite of your perceived strife, trying so hard to meet his needs, blah blah, HAS IT OCCURRED TO YOU THAT YOU�VE BEEN MISREADING HIM? Maybe he feels that the best he can hope for is �content enough not to cheat.� Maybe he�s nurturing the same entitlement and resentment that you do. And maybe he�s afraid to express it for the same reasons: 'she works really hard to keep the house looking good�she�s pretty and all�she does a good job with the kids�I should be happy. I won�t say anything to her, because I don�t know what�s missing. After all, it wouldn�t be fair to her to ask her to change some aspect of her personality to suit MY desires. I�ll just play my computer game and try not to think about it. She�s a GOOD wife, after all, technically. I just need to forget it. Lots of guys would be happy. I mean, we don�t fight or anything�ahhh, screw it, I just need to be content with her." OUCH, right?
Listen, Sparklizer, you and I both gave the best aspects of our personalities to OTHER�MEN. We didn�t want to bother our husbands with our silliness, we didn�t want to expose out best ideas to their criticism, we didn�t want to waste our funniest stories on someone who we assumed would sit like a rock and maybe smirk, at best. So we gave it away. We didn�t bother being ourselves with our husbands, let alone our best selves. We consoled ourselves that we were doing our part to keep our husbands CONTENT, and that�s all he seemed to expect anyway, after all, he was NEVER actively happy.
Maybe our husbands aren�t happy because they�ve schooled themselves not to EXPECT us to make them happy. Maybe they�ve convinced themselves that contentment is the best they can expect from us.
Sparklicious, are you fun to talk to? Charming? Witty? Cute? Do you easily get attention from other people, just not your husband? Has it occurred to you that these qualities are why he fell in love with you, and that he misses them now, that he wonders what the hell happened to that vivacious girl he married, who has now disappeared, leaving him w/ a Stepford replica who serves dinner with a tight smile and says �how was your day, darling� and doesn�t expect an answer?
If you want your needs met, EVER, you need to break this fricking moratorium. Start focusing on H like he�s your only option. He IS your only VALID option. If you want conversation from him, turn off the TV while he�s showering and be waiting with a warm towel, sexy lipstick, and your BEST story to tell, complete with goofy impressions. If you want recreational companionship, partner up and steam-clean the carpets or wax the drapes or fix the lawn-mower or something, and ENJOY IT. Would you enjoy scrubbing floors with OM? Would you find something to talk about with HIM, do you think? Open your mind to your husband and start viewing him as worthy of your best. Not your best EFFORTS, although he certainly is worthy�if you approach the task at hand with the mentality of �I�m going to do my best, and watch, he�s not even going to react�, you�re going to get even more bitter, pissy, and resentful. Give yourself back to your husband.
I�m a social person. So are you; if you value admiration and conversation, you probably seek it instinctively. So the fact that you and your husband would rather be alone than w/ each other tells me that there�s something stressful and unpleasant and frustrating about spending time with him. Here�s my tip: STOP KEEPING SCORE. With anyone else, you wouldn�t toss out a neutral conversational gambit, (�how was your day?�) wait for a response, and then dismiss your audience if the answer was boring or guarded. You�d be like, �oh, your day was OK? Well super. now let me tell you about MY day, OMG, you won�t believe what happened, this was hilarious�� take the lead and stop waiting to elicit an immediate reaction. Just be�your�self. Your BEST self, the one he dated before he married you. If you want attention, engage him. If you want companionship, invite him. If you want affection or SF or whatever, initiate it.
You need to show him, remind him, that you ARE in fact he wonderful, sparkly girl he married, and not some blank-faced, polite houseguest who may be boring as all hell but is at least low-maintenance and does a fine job entertaining the kids.
Focus on him. Be the best you can�FOR HIM. Act like you�ve never read his ENQ and you�re trying to attract his attention for the first time. Throw out everything in your repertoire of flirtation, intrigue and enticement. You might find out something about him that HE didn�t recognize. (my H, for instance, adooooores affection, and didn�t even rate it on his ENQ at all.) don�t think about you right now, it�s all about him. You�ve waited years, supposedly w/ none of your needs being met by H; you can wait a little longer. Your goal is to bring out the best in him�regain his trust, meet his needs and then some, and when he meets your needs by default (if you kiss him, he kisses back, right? There you go, needs met by default.) you POUR positive reinforcement on him.
At the same time you MAKE YOURSELF DEPEND ON HIM FOR YOUR EMPTIONAL NEEDS. If you find you�re getting all the conversation out of your system emailing friends, or hell, even talking on this forum? Scale back and make yourself turn to him.
Listen, you mentioned that he�s not really checking up on you re phone, email, etc�have you decided that he must not care that much? Or could it be that he feels guilty about checking up on you, and doesn�t want to appear controlling or suspicious for fear of driving you away further? Do this: go check the mail or something and ask him to hold onto your phone and please answer it if it rings. Ask him to please check your email for you next time he�s on the computer. Let him begin to TAKE YOUR OPENESS AND HONESTY FOR GRANTED.
Sparkler, be honest with yourself: did you marry a jerk? Did he deliberately trick you into marriage by behaving in a manner you found attractive, then pull the ol� bait-and-switch and turn INTO the jerk he�d always been, deep down? No. you have forgotten what you love about your husband, you have convinced yourself he�s a whole different guy now, and you�ve stopped bringing out the best in him by behaving like the girl HE married.
Give him a chance.
And find a way to get some UA, already, sheesh.

Thank you, MelodyLane and RemainNameless.

I guess I wanted to get some assurance that I shall have to override my H's inclination towards spending his quality time alone at the computer, even though it seems more fulfilling of my than his needs So be it.

I already have some ideas as to organizing babysitting on week days.

RN, it was a great post you wrote. It is evident that you have been spending more time and collecting more wisdom here than I have this far! I shall memorize at least some of the advice

And, by the way... in the strictest sense, he did not marry me... in a way, I married him :P So it was me who "tricked" him into it.

I have some thoughts for you regarding meeting ENs etc but first:


Please just change the phone #. Don't put this on your H. This is your responsibility AND is a "must-do"...


So...it's not clear to me...have all traces of OM been erased yet?

Are you sure admiration isn't one of his top ENs? It seems to be a big EN for many men. Maybe try meeting it to see how he responds.

The need for admiration is more complicated than just giving praise.

Pick topics of conversation that allow your H to shine and talk about things he enjoys, such as his work or things that he is knowledgeable about. Topics that he can "educate" you make major deposits. Ex) He's really into cars? Let him tell you all about it! Learn more about it and ask lost of questions.

Tip: Really listen and give your attention. I realized pre-A I had a tendency to steer the conversation and my H would let me. (I notice now that many women I know do this with their Hs too!)

This one thing alone above has changed so much between my H and I. I have to work hard at keeping it up and not falling back into bad habits and just talking about what I want to talk about.

Re Lovebusters
A big thing to remember is that any work you do on meeting ENs will be washed by lovebusters. I haven't seen you talk too much about your lovebusters. It is easy to say: I read up on them, NP, I will stop them. It's more complicated than that.

Watch your H's body language. I realized I was doing many things my H did not like but he would have never told me (ex, gossip or complaints about his family members...I can do this but I watch his body language. if he's not in the mood to hear it, I stop myself)

Disrespectful judgements is another one that is more complicated than it seems. One thing that Jennifer Chalmers told me (Dr H's daughter) is to stop telling my H what I think he "should" be doing. Oops, I was using the word "you should" an awful lot. Any time you think you know better than your H, watch what you are going to say because a DJ is sure to follow....

That's just a start but it is possible that if you do a better job at meeting your H's needs and avoiding LBers...that your time together becomes more enjoyable for your H and (hopefully) he will naturally want to start doing a better job at meeting your needs as well...

When I receive excessive admiration I feel awkward and very uncomfortable. But, I understand why some folks thrive on that. It is also fun to give admiration and see the positive response.

I wouldn't consider what I described above as "excessive admiration" but probably more like the way I treated my H when we were dating and falling in love... I would guess that's probably the case for many others as well...

I am gradually getting used to the idea. It takes a bit time, but I feel that I need to make steps without outside force, the decisions coming from inside me in order for them to be totally valid (many would object to that attitude, I know). Remember, I was the one who came on the site looking for help and I am still here for the same reason. So I just need some time for internal adjusting with some requirements.

Nope, still waiting for him to decide whether he wants to read or not; haven't touched/read them myself, though. I don't want to be pushy. I shall ask him again tomorrow.

Hmmm...first the excuse for NOT CHANGING YOUR PHONE # was that it would be too much trouble. Then it was that you have left it up to your H and now you need time to internalize it?

If you want to affairproof your M and begin the process of "Just Compensation" to your BH, you will do it. It is really that simple.

It might be that he does not recognize this need himself (I remember RemainNameless mentioning the same thing about her H). I specifically asked and he denied it as an important need for him; but you are probably correct in this latter statement - it might go beyond giving praise, but neither of us has explicitly defined the characteristics of such need himself.

When it comes to simple praising ('Oh, I really liked how you dealt with the kids' fight earlier' or 'I appreciate that you have put the clothes into the dryer' or 'you really are a better and smoother driver than I am'), he has said that it makes him uncomfortable (Stan-ley, is this the kind of praise you had in mind as well?). But I haven't figured out whether it is because he is expecting some hidden meaning, nuance to the sentence or does he feel somehow diminished by this or is there something else. There is SO much for me to learn - about him, about me, about us...

His work is what he enjoys most (or, in his words, hates least:P); he said he stopped talking about his work after my first reveal in Feb and will most probably keep it that way. I shall still not quit asking about it.

Today, we had a chat about computer games that could be played together as co-op games (not rivalry); this was encouraging. I still think that in order for him to loosen up again and for us to have positive RC, this is at least one of the ways. Any suggestions? I really detest shooting and killing games with blood everywhere (most, though not all of his choices are more or less like that), but with a short search could not find any building/strategy games that could suit for both of us.


A really handy tip, I have a terrible attention span when there is little motion or excitement :S I'll concentrate on that part.



You know... Up until now, I had somehow missed the lovebusters' section, or read them only on the first time of being on this site and with all this new information, this part had been lost. Now I (re)read the section. I don't know, if it is really the syndrome of reading the medical dictionary and discovering 'oh, I have this, oh, and this one too...', but this control and demand stuff rang a bell. I realised that I have been fighting for independence and 'counter'controlling when there actually was no need to do that - in order to avoid reliving my mom's life (she was SAHM for 20 years, no personal income, life controlled in several ways). So staying at home /w children and not having any substantial income or life in general of my own was really frustrating for me. We probably could have avoided some of the topics that I now recognize with more, more, more talking and analyzing.

So I recognized mainly two LBs from my part: demand&control (I think that mostly they have been in the unspoken form of sacrifice, but also "I need affection, I need you to tell me sweet words, I need you to bring me flowers in order to feel wanted"), and independent behaviour (mostly in my attempts to regain lost control over my life; this included for instance "If you don't mind, I would like to go to the gym tomorrow evening" - but we both basically knew that 'no' wasn't an option, and "I've decided to go and see if I can pass the test to enter a specific Master's program of our University" - and of course I got in, so there really was no option for me to NOT go studying; I got the scholarship and we live in the same place so there was really no monetary loss but of course it required time).

It seems to me that these two go hand in hand, don't they?

Good point!
First excuse... was way back, at least it seems to me. You see, up to reading it on this site, I had NEVER heard of anyone changing their phone# for that reason. (Of course, I do not know everything about everybody, but around here it is simply unheard of.)

So I had been thinking about it and getting used to the idea and then decided that if it is really just compensation for my H, I can do it for his sake.

But since it seems (at least what I understand from him) that for my H, it does not matter much (he does not see much point in it), I have to rethink the reasons again :P And this leads to internalization - which it should have been in the first place, in order for me to not feel like sacrificing but as justly compensating. I am slowly arriving at this point.

Sparkie, I remember quite vividly some moments from D-day and the following weeks. One of those is when BH and I were discussing my continuance of medical school. Prior to my A, I had planned to leave medical school - it was too taxing on the family. During my A, I was desperate to continue with school, seeing it as something safe, independent, just for me. It was a sure thing, whereas my M was (to me at the time) most definitely not.

Post-D-day, I remember clearly that moment of decision. It's either all in, or all out. There is no halfway. Toss the excuses, you do it because your M and/or the chance at recovering your M is that important. The "internalizing" will just mess with your thinking and drive you in circles.

So... back again from the silence. I have spent a lot of time here reading, though!

Much has happened...

DH read the correspondence (or most of it, at least). It was every bit as hurtful as it was expected to be. A couple of days earlier, we had arranged for the same day a getaway of a couple of days - my grandmother came to babysit and said we could be away as much as 4 nights (yay!). Since he had spent all of the day of our leaving (planned for late afternoon) reading the e-mails, I doubted that he would want to go with me anywhere ever again... But he came, anyway, for which I am utterly thankful.

We had a chance to talk in the beginning of next day, for which I am also grateful and happy.

And we had a terrific chance to be just between the two of us again - and it actually was something like it used to be several years ago, when we were still without kids! So it was a really, really special UA time. Warm and caring emotions still prevail (a couple of days after returning).

I have been really neglecting my work this past few weeks but I feel that my M is the most important thing that needs most care and attention. I guess I do it consciously actually for the first times in my M - at first, it was just natural to spend time together etc, and then the kids were born and then I just needed primarily my personal time away. Too bad I did not pay attention to it until now...

Working on my M continues, of course

Haven't actually devised any particular or detailed plans this far, but I guess this is strongly recommended.

Invited DH to join and post as well, but he prefers to read this thread plus others that I have found relevant. Anyway, he is kept posted and we share now a lot more than we used to for a long time... what a blessing!

Anyway... many thanks to MB people here! Of course, we are just beginning our new journey together, but this beginning would not have been possible without this site and forum.

Good update, Sparkie!

My H has never posted on MB either.
He reads some threads whenever I ask him to ... But he gets his recovery from AA, and I got mine via MB.
We cross-reference, and share pointers.

Keep up the good work.

Another update + some questions.

Have been spending a lot of time here reading and immersing myself in MB forum. What a great site! I really wish I had found it several years ago... The (rhetorical) question is, though, would I have realised its value when it seemed that our marriage is good and strong without it?

Yesterday, I revealed some important issues that had been overlooked earlier. I had not brought them up in particular since they were already discussed in the correspondence that he read. But having read some of the threads and given it some thought, I realised that a) he might have not got the idea out of reading the correspondence and b) I need to address them actively and discuss them separately anyway. Dismissing them might mean unintentional hiding and a major setback in the future, when the topic comes out.

So now I hope that we have cleared any important details - of course he is welcome to ask anything that bothers him and I will be glad to provide an answer; I have said it to him several times.

Question.
One issue was a gift sent to me by OM, a quite expensive piece of jewelry. I have worn it often during the A, now it has been stacked away since I started to read the MB forum. I guess I hoped that in years, it would not mean what it means now, i.e. I would not have any emotional attachment to that thing. I realise now, of course, that it has to be got rid of permanently.

My H suggested that we send it back.

But it would break the NC, wouldn't it? We have established NC with e-mails since some time mid-June, not broken.
I am not opposing to the idea (in fact, it is the best one of several we came up with), but how should it be done?

I could find his work address on the Internet and possibly the home address as well (I'm quite good at snooping, once I want to :P ). So it could be sent anywhere.
An accompanying letter affirming the NC? Suggesting the MB-site, perhaps?

We have not been that great with spending 15h/week UA (kids have had high fever this week), but I feel it comes pretty close to it. It will get better, with the kids going to day care in August and us getting e.g. lunch together.

I have been fulfilling his needs and he has been fulfilling mine. It is better than could be expected, esp that soon into the D-day! I realise, of course, that it is a roller coaster, not a steady line upwards, and am ready for drawbacks.

It is funny, though, that now with the whole inside of my mind shaken AND stirred (think of a caleidoscope - the pieces seem to be the same, yet the picture is totally different), I find that some of my needs or wants have lost their importance. E.g. H reminded me of my missing choir singing and aerobics classes... Now, it is not that relevant any more. Is it natural with the attention shifting to my marriage or just temporary? Well, we'll address and POJA it when it becomes relevant again.

EPs need a special post, I think.

EP-s (a long post) - maybe you can sense if there is still any fog that needs to be cleared.

I took the list from the EP thread and will comment the issues.

A) Change cell phone number and give password & account access to your spouse. - Will be done in August when my father is back from his long trip (my current number is related to his company - a long story)

B) Change email account. - Since the one he used was one of my work e-mails which I use just for some projects, I will have it closed when the current project I have been working with is over, i.e. mid-August. He knows of no other accounts of mine.

C) Eliminate all social networking accounts (i.e., Face book, Classmates, My Space, etc.) - OM goes to none of them; I have FaceBook and Orkut accounts which I use for keeping in touch with my friends and school mates; no new acquaintances. He was in Skype, I have blocked him there. He will get pw-s to all of them (I wonder why I haven't given them earlier? On the other hand, I think that he might know them already, I use just a couple of pw-s virtually everywhere... bad habit, I know)

D) Take a polygraph - I don't think that there is such a possibility where I live.

E) Make a copy of my vehicle keys and any other keys my spouse does not have and give to them (i.e., safe deposit boxes, business keys, storage cabinets/lockers, etc.) - Not relevant - we have just one car; I have no safe deposit boxes or such; we don't have any locked cabinets; he even has the key to my bike lock should he want to carry it with him

F) List out passwords for all business and personal computer logins, and any other passwords my spouse does not have access to. - As referred to earlier - he probably knows all or most of them; will discuss it in the evening.

G) Give my spouse access to any banking/financial accounts, business and personal. - Will be done with the previous issue.

H) Install software that tracks all internet use, giving my spouse administrative access. - Discussed it, but he does not think that it will matter more than my internal boundaries - I can get past everything should I want to. (Access to internet is basically a human right here.) I am still ready, should he change his mind about that.

I) Install a webcam/security cameras for while at work that my spouse can access. - What is meant - a surveillance system covering both home and my work place? It would not have much effect, just another thing to get around.

J) I will contact an attorney that will work on my spouse�s behalf and write a post-nuptial agreement. - With our present situation, most of it is his anyway.

K) Sell the house/purchase a new one. - not relevant.

L) Sell any vehicle AP was in and replace them. - not relevant.

Continuous EP-s: (This list of HPB is pretty compendious, I changed some and added a bit here and there)

A) I will protect my spouse and his feelings above all else (and still sticking to the PORH - i.e. not omitting information on the basis that it would violate the protection principle); I will care for him both physically and mentally.
B) I will not participate in any one-on-one non-work related meetings with anyone of the opposite sex and minimize any need for one-on-one work-related meetings. (Does meeting in a caf� and discussing a work project fall under meeting one-on-one?) (This was modified so that I would not have to POJA it later)
C) I will not discuss my personal marriage issues with anyone of the opposite sex; I will discuss them with people of the same sex only with the approval of my H.
D) I will not playfully flirt with or tease MOS verbally even if we are in a larger group. (I used to do it, considering it safe)
E) In correspondence with MOS that are not relatives or friends of both, I will not step over the personal level (including not only personal marriage issues, but funny stories, family issues in general, remarks with double meaning, provoking issues read from newspapers that might develop into sharing etc).
F) I will not attend clubs, strip joints, or any such establishment (easy to keep, have not done it for a looooong time anyway, but it should stay in the list in case of an upcoming midlife crisis)
G) I agree to use POJA as a basis for all decisions.
H) I will be open and honest with my spouse at all times about the past and present.
I) I will refrain from holding him accountable for my feelings.
J) I will provide my spouse a daily schedule of all appointments and contact information.
K) If I need to make an adjustment to my schedule, I will notify my spouse of the change immediately.
L) I will make my spouse�s phone calls my highest priority by answering them or returning them immediately.
M) I will avoid all chat rooms that have not been approved by him, porn, member sites, etc.
N) I will trade phones with my spouse at any time they request, NO questions asked.
O) I will leave my phone accessible to my spouse at night/or anytime I�m home.
P) I will commit to at least 15 hours of undivided attention with my spouse to meet each other�s ENs every week (time working together does not count toward those 15 hours).
Q) If AP finds a way to make contact, I will immediately end the contact and notify my spouse about it immediately after.
R) I will install a keylogger, GPS, or any other tracking system my spouse may request.
S) Anytime I have the thought, �I don�t want my spouse to know about��.�, I will call my spouse immediately and tell them my thoughts.
T) Anything else my spouse wants as a boundary. (I honestly would be glad if he gave me some other boundaries that would help build his trust.)

This is it for now.

S:

Donate the jewelry to a local charity.

The longer it is around, the moreit indicates that IT is more important than your BH.

Get rid of it, and anything else OM gave you.

LG

Sparkle,

I commend you for the efforts you�ve put into recovery. I can tell you as a man that the fact that you didn�t have a PA is huge and is one of the things which will help him. I think we men handle EA�s better than we do the PA�s. They both hurt a lot, but I could see myself forgiving an EA much easier than a PA.

But I do wish to give you some food for thought:

This emotional needyness is something that is very bothersome. Why must you have constant reassurance from your H to feel good about yourself?

You described a standard day with your H and I honestly got scared. I�m newlywed and you described a standard day with my wife. I�m very happy. I appreciate her and her efforts with helping me with the kids.

But what disturbs me is that your H is/was very likely content with how things were going. He saw his life as a series of obligations he was fulfilling. He works to provide for you and the kids. He comes home, helps with them and they keep you both busy. They get settled into bed and it�s normally (from my experience) a constant series of tasks that need to be done to get them to bed. By the time they are in bed (2130ish) I�m exhausted. I want just a few minutes of quiet decompression time to just relax, let my brain unwind from work and the kids, and then spend time with my wife. So I play while she takes a shower or watches one of her own shows. We then get together and just read, talk in bed, etc. I�m HAPPY. I could see doing this for years.

But what is scary is that I do this because I see it as an obligation both as a husband and a father. But I�m happy with the obligation. I see it as a requirement that comes with being a father and a husband. The kids MUST be cared for before bed. Helping with cleaning the house is a way to help my wife and part of my obligation. SOOOOO many men function in this way. They cruise along fat dumb and happy and thinking that everything is good.

What I can�t understand is why this isn�t enough for you? You have a good man at your side. He participates with your children, he helps with the house, and he obviously enjoys being around you.

Are there things you could do? Of course. Be proactive in your needs. He isn�t a mind reader. He might be content to sit and read a book next to you, but all it really takes to get your need for conversation met is for you to engage him in it.

The post by RN is perfect. Don�t put the burden of having your H meet your needs on your H. Engage him in getting those needs met. I�m sure he�ll happily participate.

But we men aren�t mind readers. We can�t tell that you�re dying to talk if you don�t talk to us. Like RN said, if you ask how his day was and all he says is �Ok�, then that�s enough. You can engage him and tell him about your day. I�m sure he�ll be happy to listen.

One BIG thing you must accept is that your husband is who he is. He isn�t going to change unless he wishes to change. You can�t make him a conversationalist. In other words, you have what you have. My wife didn�t marry a marathon runner with six pack abs. She married an overweight man in his 30�s with three kids. If she suddenly got upset with me or was unhappy because I don�t have six pack abs and like to run marathons, then I would say, �you didn�t marry someone like that!�

Now, if I chose, on my own, to start running so I could someday possibly do that FOR ME, then great. Enjoy the efforts, but don�t be unhappy if I start something I don�t normally do and stop because �it�s just not my thing.�

I commend you on giving games a try. If he enjoys playing, then there certainly are things you can do with him that are cooperative.

I encourage a couple of options:

Real time strategy games can be fun. My ex W use to play Warcraft III with me in addition to Red Alert 2. She genuinely enjoyed those games herself because they had good stories and personality. It might not be your thing, but it�s a genre the allows for cooperative play.

There�s a game called Portal which is a good play with someone at your side. Every room the protagonist enters is a puzzle. The goal is to get to the door on the other side and it involves some mental gymnastics. You can play it together in the sense that one person controls the character while you both look at the room and come up with ways to get to the exit. I�ve heard it called a good girlfriend game.

I also recommend you buy a Wii. There�s lots of games on that system that you can play together. A good puzzle game that two people can play at called Boom Blox, which involves throwing balls at castles to bring them down. It�s fun and light hearted and focused on being a puzzle. No killing involved other than trying to protect the animals. Another good co-op game is called World of Goo. It�s a puzzle game.

I�ve enjoyed playing Super Mario Brothers Galaxy with my kids. The same with another game called The Legend of Zelda: Four Swords, but that would also involve buying gameboys to connect to the Wii.

These are just some ideas. But I recommend not getting pushy on this issue. It�s nice to play with your wife, but it�s also nice to once in a while have time to play alone.

Your H doesn�t have to like what you do and vice versa. Enjoy your alone time and let him have his. All I�m saying is that you shouldn�t force any of this. Enjoy exploring the possibilities together, but don�t force any of it.

Marriage is about compromise. Your H is a homebody. Perhaps Fridays can be home time and you don�t go anywhere at night, but Saturday you and the family all go someplace or you do get that sitter.

Shift your way of thinking. Embrace your family time as time spent with your H. Your children are a product of you both, so enjoy the time with them and consider that part of your quality time together. Do you need time alone? Of course. But embrace the family time you have. Embrace your H for who he is and not who you wish he was. This is part of the thing that needs to happen for you to be happy. Accept things as they are and not how you want them to be. You have a family now so having these romantic evenings all the time is really unrealistic when toilets need to be cleaned, floors scrubbed, laundry done, and kids need to be fed, bathed, read to, and cared for.

It�s all a balancing act. Enjoy the crazyness for now and simply accept it for what it is. It�s a stage you�re going to go through as while your kids are young.

Just some food for thought.