Thanks

My mom was asking me today when my WH was going to get the kids again? I said, "I don't know." I believe he'll see less and less of them especially if he moves.

I know men pull away easier from their children, but I never expected the abandonment. They are already romanticiziing him!!! What I mean is that when he does give them time or a gift....it's the greatest of all because they never see him. It's kind of like his sister....she would call maybe once every 2 years to speak to maybe one of them. They all sit around talking about how great aunt so and so is yet they never see her. The aunts and uncles that are very involved in their lives are given a backseat. Why does that happen? I saw it even before this all happened.

Well, I surprised myself today!!! I mowed the backyard and replaced boards in the fence. My DS7 had knocked out about 8 of those planks in a privacy fence. I was so upset because I wondered how I was going to fix that. Well, it wasn't so awful to just nail them back in and I impressed my sons:)

Tomorrow, I'll mow the front yard. My DS11 insisted on my not mowing, but I told him it would be good exercise for me. I'll have to admit, I enjoy watching the patterns getting smaller and smaller....I know crazy. It's a little like vacuming...LOL

It's the little victories that make us feel great, huh? I was so impressed with myself when I started my lawn mower for the first time. I just installed the 2 window AC units and the kiddos are STOKED. It got HOT here and I hadn't put them in the windows yet.

HopeE,

Here is the story of my newest SIL and what passed for his "father".


When SIL was 11, his father, a minister, left the family without any explanation whatsoever. He moved from TX to CA to "find himself". He filed for divorce, although his wife did not want a divorce, having three children to take care of and raise. The dad just...left. Mom was devastated, but could not stop him. Soon enough, they were divorced. At first, SIL says that dad called a little. Then, he met a new woman, and just started "over" with her. All phone calls stopped, all contact stopped - despite the attempts on the part of the children to call dad.

Dad had new kids, a new wife, a new family. He replaced his life with new people.

The phone contact, letters, everything - no money, nothing - just empty air from dad from the time SIL was 16 until recently.

Actually, until my DD and SIL decided to marry.

SIL and DD wrote him a letter, and told him that he could pretend that there was no previous family, he could pretend that they did not exist, and he could pretend that he did nothing wrong, but this did not erase the truth.

The truth was that he had to someday face his children. He had to face the fact that he abandoned them. And he had to know that SIL grew up to be a good man, in spite of being abandoned by him - only because of the strength and power and love of his MOTHER, the woman his father had also abandoned. And that if he professed to be any kind of minister of God, then he had to own this truth, apologize, and make the attempt to understand why he had done this to his family.

SIL also told him that he had also wasted the opportunity to see his daughters marry, two grandchildren born, and that he had only one last chance to attend the wedding of any of HIS CHILDREN who might be willing to accept him there.

SIL invited him to attend, to come and own his transgressions, to meet his son-now-man, and make whatever attempt it might be to put a step forward on a possible future with SIL in it.


For the first time in ten years, father called son. Father and new wife flew in a couple of days ahead of the wedding, met with my DD and SIL, and ALSO with the two other children.

They attended the wedding. The man also apologized to his ex-wife.

This, says my DD, was nothing short of a miracle. My SIL says that he wanted the apology to his MOTHER more than anything else, because - while SHE never saw it, he always knew that his father was not there for him. He always wanted his father to be there, he and his sisters always hoped against hope. They always held out that shred of hope he might consider them, love them.....but knew deep down that it was MOM that held them together, held their hands, kept them safe, did the work in raising them, all of it.

SIL is glad his dad came to the wedding, because one of the things he wanted to show his father was that SIL is a man - in spite of his dad's poor showing in his life, in spite of it all. And also to try to get his dad to understand that he must face the truth, that people can forgive you, as long as you are willing to do your part of the work and own your blame. SIL says "we shall see" when it comes to the next steps in the relationship, because those steps have a lot resting on the dad.




What galls me? This "dad" is a MINISTER. And has been throughout this entire process. He professes to be a man of God, yet has no problem doing what he did. He left the healing process up to the child.


HopeE, my point is that your kids KNOW and SEE the truth. Do not for a moment believe that they don't. They completely and fully understand this. Just because they WANT to believe otherwise doesn't mean they DO.

Very good points Schoolbus - I wholeheartedly agree. I know that my daughters SEE and KNOW the truth - even if I say nothing. They KNOW because they LIVED through it.

It may take a while, HopeE, but your kids will KNOW and SEE the truth - even if they aren't ready to yet. They will.

Thanks for that SB and WW,

That's an amazing story!!!! Wow, what a great job that mom did. I know they will see the truth. I just wish they had a father figure. Will I be able to give that to my sons? How will I show them what a real "man" is like?

That it's not just about fishing, hunting, and getting mine. That it's about committment to God, your wife and your children....no matter what. I want them to see it lived out.

I think that boys can find father figures in grandfathers, uncles, and teachers. Also, check into Boy Scouting - my neighbor is a troop leader and is fabulous. If you have a neighbor man who fixes cars or works with wood, do that. There are so many men around, in churches or in your life, that your boys do find them.

My SIL learned to "be a man" from his mom and from the world. He camps, fishes, and is also gentle in spirit and thought.

Right before they were married, I knew he was a true man when I asked my DD if she needed any money and he looked at me and smiled. He said, "Oh, she won't need any more money, Mom. You know, we are getting married, and from now on, she won't need you and Dad to send her money. From this point forward, I'VE got her back, and I will take care of her. That's my job - to keep her safe, provide for her, and make sure she has what she needs. I might as well start now."

We haven't sent any money since, and he has provided. She says that she has never felt more safe and secure with anyone in her life - except her Dad.

His mom did a terrific job ----- you can too.


In my work with young men, one of the things I do is directly TELL them what I expect as a woman. I keep it age appropriate:


6 year old, who won't walk right next to you, running down the hall at school:

"When I'm walking with a man, I like it when he walks next to me, not running away all over the place. It makes me feel like he is treating me like a lady."

"I like the men I am walking with to walk calmly next to me. When a man runs around like that, I think it means he doesn't think I am a lady, or it means he doesn't have respect. Can you treat me like a lady?"


10 year old, talking with foul language:

"You know, I once knew a guy who talked like that. It always made me feel like he didn't think I was worth much. Do you think I have value?"

"One of the things that women find attractive in a man is how he might talk to her. I hope that you can remember that one day."


You get the idea. It's just a very direct method of telling them what you think, and PERSONALIZING your relationship to their behavior, and your feelings/expectations of how men treat women.

I have used this method with very severely behaviorally challenged males. It is quite effective (once I have rapport), because they understand my clear expectation, and it - yet again - tells them what I WANT, not what I don't want. That one rule gets me very far!

SB

Hi HopeE-

Nice job on the fence and lawn. It feels good to be able to solve those home repair and maintenance chores. I think it's a good for a woman to have a set of basic tools for her kitchen and I have had several over the years. Here's my advice on this:

Get PINK tools.

I used to have a regular tool set in my kitchen and my boys would "borrow" them and lose them. So I finally got a set of pink ones.

They never borrow my tools any more.

Your're and incredible person SB. I like those examples and I will use it. I'm trying everyday to not allow my emotions to rule me even in discipline. It's not always easy as I tend to want to raise my voice; my WH was a huge hollering maniac. I want them to feel peace in our home and no yelling.

A man at my church did offer to speak with my boys and work with them. I think I'll take him up on that. He and his wife have been praying for our family and they want to help. I am going to get my boys involved in sports this year....something my WH didn't do with them.

Thanks so much for you advice; I use so much of it.

HopeE,

My girls had both parents in the house growing up. We still had lots of other role models, of both sexes, because the truth is that my H and I couldn't possibly cover all the bases for our girls.

I have two girls who were gifted in very different areas, and there was no way my H and I could have met their needs without the help of friends and acquaintances along the way. So many friends, so many teachers, so many mentors helped to shape and lend a hand to bring out the best in our kids. We have countless people to thank for helping us - we could never have given our girls what these people gave them.

We are not "everything", but as parents, we can point our kids in the right direction, and we can give them the opportunities to meet the right mentors. For our DDs, we did that. Our girls took advantage of it, and those mentors made huge deposits towards their futures.


Don't ever be afraid to ask someone to share their gifts and skills. We were never turned down - in fact, every musician we asked to help our youngest daughter helped her; every brainiac we asked to help our oldest daughter helped her. People are very giving. It was choosing well that was the hard part!


You know, you will do a great job. I know because you PLAN things - and you CARE. It would be different if you didn't.


SB

Thanks SB

Between God, family and my friends here on MB.....I'm going to make it. WH called to speak with my children today and it threw me a bit, but not bad.

I have dreams like Scotland too...that my WH is waiting for me in the driveway one day. He is broken and asking forgiveness for the pain he has caused. He wants to come home and start again.

It's only a dream, but it may change with time.

Right now, I'm concentrating on getting my house fixed. My kids have caused much damage over the last 10 years. My DS10 sprayed paint on our outer brick. I've tried everything to get it off and today a breakthrough. I bought this stuff called "goof off". It seems to be working, but I'm going to need extra applications. Tonight I was researching how to repair holes in drywall and I think I can do this too. That will be my next project.

Our dreams are interesting huh? I like to see how mine have changed with my attitude.

Sounds like you are becoming a domestic goddess. When I got DS10's Xbox360 hooked up, I was so proud. Keep up the great work.

You never know what might happen.

My H called me one day after we had been separated for several months when he left me for an OW.

I figured it was to deliver me divorce papers, or at least to talk about what his plans were for divorce.

Nope.

It was to tell me he wanted to come home. Huge surprise. I had written him off, believing his words when he left and walked out the door:

"I don't love you, I never did love you, I never will love you."

He was wrong then, wasn't he?


You just never know.

I'm concerned for DS11 as he confessed tonight to a friend that he's afraid his father doesn't love him and can't stand to be around him. My friend had DS11 speak to me about this. I've tried to encourage DS to write WS a letter, but he's scared....he thinks it will make things worse between them or make his dad feel bad.

I told him that his father loves him, but he's so wrapped up in his situation right now....that nothing matters. I don't know what else to say to my children. A phone call once every 10 days is just not enough. His continual neglect of our children is killing me. I hate to see them this way...they are very forgiving, but he cancels their time together and I'm sure this will continue.

Have you thought about setting up an email address for them? I would have your IM read the emails, from your WH, first to make sure they are appropriate for your children. Your DS11 might feel a little more comfortable with the "technology" part of sending your WH a message.

My DS10 had HUGE problems telling WH his thoughts and feelings early on too. He is getting a lot better with it. I think it is because he was scared that the reaction was going to be explosive and when it wasn't, he realized it was the right thing to do.

I'm going to continue to tell DS11 to write him a letter. He does have email, but he doesn't use it much. I'll check the letter to make sure he is being respectful and such. I really want him to do this.

Hope, I am so sorry for your little boys. I know how devastating it is to be abandoned by a parent. They can't help but think they are not loved when their own father abandons them for his adulterous affair with some filthy ho.

You are fortunate that you have a wonderful father and brother who can stand in for their uncaring, adulterous father. I know it is no replacement for their dad, but at least they have some good male role models who are not abandoning their families for adulterous affairs. They can see how real men are supposed to act.

Your H is so fogged out that he probably fantasizes about introducing them to his adultery partner some day. Little does he realize that his skank will be eternally hated by your children for breaking up their family.

Melody,

I'll die first before they see her!!!! Besides, I showed all my children a picture of her and said, "this is the enemy" "she listened to lies told by your father and made a decision to flirt, coerce, and create affection with a married man."

Believe me they know the truth. My DS11 told me the other day "I'll never do anything like that because I can see the pain it causes."

Hope, you WH is the enemy as much as OW.
You WH would have found another OW if this one was not agreable to the A. Once they have wayward mindset they are always vulnerable. For mine was first a co worker and then the neighbor. It looks like our WH like proximity. So, as long as there are women around their place of work on in their neighborhood who throw a languid eye at them or show interest...they are game.
You do well to teach your children she is a person to stay away from and that she destroyed the M, however you H has the biggest role in this. As Melody say they have good role models in your dad and brother.
I was reading some words from Jesus which help...again I am not a Chrstian but I like what Jesus says
"But whoever hears my lifegiving words and rejects them chooses to build on a foundation of sand. The rains descend and the floods rise. Hurricane winds beat agaist the house and the foundation crumbles. The house collapses and great is its fall."
The house is the WS, the foundation is the A which is build on lies, deceit and goes against one's higher power (god). Once the fantasy f the A goes against reality (rain, floods, hurricanes etc..) the foundation crumbles (A ends) and the house goes thru a great fall (WH hits rock bottom, suffers like a dog in seing the destruction he brought upon himself and his family).
This is my humble interpretation
blessing

Like I said, he would never be able to darken their door step with his ho. Not to mention that it won't work anyway. His affair is doomed from the start statistically. 95% of affairs die within 2 years of being exposed. The 5% that ever make it to marriage 75% of those end in divorce within 5 years. The very things that make an affair possible, thoughtlessness, dishonesty, deceit, will kill it.

His affair is doomed. And he gave his loving family for what? For a nothing affair that will fall apart in due time.

I have a former friend named Theresa, who left her husband of 40 years for a affair. She got a divorce and her grown children won't allow her around anymore. Guess what? After she got a divorce [and walked away with nothing becuase of her adutlery] the married man she was shagging DUMPED HER AND WENT BACK TO HIS WIFE. She gave up everything........for nothing. Nothing.

And that is what your husband is doing. Giving up his family and marriage for nothing. For a lying, sneaking ho who would do a married man. A woman who has no respect for marriage and no respect for honor or fidelity.

It will be the greatest regret of his life. Throwing away his family for ..... nothing.