It has been 3 weeks since me and om had any contact. My husband and I are really trying at our marriage. I want to love only my husband. I dnt want to have any feelings for om at all. I hate that I have put my husband n pain. I am having a hard time getting over om. I just woke up and remembered dreams about him. What do I do to get him off my mind. Please help.

Did you implement any of the things that were posted to you on July 2? Have you bought and read the book? Have you done the reading on this site, the threads that were linked for you? Told your husband about the full extent of your affair? Told your husband about the contact with OM? What actions have you been taking in the last week?

AM

Yes I told my husband everything. But he didn't want me to tell om girlfriend. I am almost thru reading the book. Yes I read the links.

Do you still see the OM? And it is your responsibility to make sure the OM GF knows what you did to her. How will she protect herself from you if she doesnt know the truth? Making sure she has the truth makes it harder for you to contact him again.

I c what u r saying. But I have to accept my husbands wishes and that was not to tell her. She doesn't have to worry about me contacting him. I want to get over him completely.

I bumped a thread on extraordinary precautions for you to read.

After you read it.... take the steps to do everything outlined.

You need to stay busy when your mind drifts.

I recommend doing something FOR your husband everytime your mind drifts to OM. Like sending him a text, an email, a card, fixing a dessert he loves, etc. Get creative and purpose to do things for H.

You really need to give yourself some time. 3 weeks is not very long at all. It's going to take much longer than that for you to get over the withdrawals from the OM. You've only just begun. This is a long a journey. Be patient.

Are you and your BH spending at LEAST 15 hours of UA time (should be much more in your case, since you are in the very early stages of recovery) together? The more quality time you spend with your H, doing things you both enjoy, meeting one another's top EN's, the less you will think about and miss the OM.

When you start having these thoughts about the OM, don't dwell on them. Don't let your mind wander down memory lane, recalling all the good times you had together. Immediately busy yourself with something else, anything that will help push these thoughts away. Exercise, read a book, take up a new hobby, write your H a loving email. These were some of the things that helped keep my mind off the OM while I was in withdrawal. You can do this. I know it isn't easy, but it does get better with time.

You owe the OM's girlfriend the truth. It has nothing to do with your BH.

I agree...she needs to know

Unless BH is enthusiastic about disclosure to OM's GF..... NO!

Waywards do enough damage by having an A. Going behind BH's back would be adding insult to injury.

Give it a few weeks and see if BH changes his mind. He has just suffered one of the biggest traumas of his life.

svs,

What you are believing to be "love" for the OM


isn't love.


You were in love with something else, but not OM. Here is what you were in love with:

1. The fantasy that you could start a new relationship over - completely clean - without any blemishes, any history of arguments, any disagreements, anything wrong at at all. That this could be a perfect relationship if you could.....

2. Restart yourself over, as you had redefined yourself to this OM in this relationship. During the affair, you had told this OM who you were - but actually this person you had defined yourself as was not the real you, but the "you" that you desire yourself to be, or someone you were "trying on" - not the real person you are. Parts of "you" were shown to OM, some parts of "you" were made up, and most of the time you were on your very best behavior in front of him so you could be as perfect as you could be. All to feed this fantasy of "starting over".

3. The fantasy of a relationship of what you believe to be intimate, fun, communicative, interesting, refreshing, exciting, and all the rest. Plus, the bonus of nobody interfering with the fantasy - the secrecy adding to the romance bringing extra attraction. It made you feel youthful, taking you back to another time in your life when you had dreams of this - and you made this "feel" like those dreams.



The fact is that you and OM both had these fantasies. He made up things about who he really was, and pretended to have qualities and interests, too. He was in the mode of the fantasy game, too. He was remaking himself each time he saw you - to fulfill his fantasies of being someone he wanted to be, or at least was toying with being.

You were not the real you. He was not the real him.

Neither of you told the complete truth to one another.
Both of you lied about your feelings about yourselves, your relationships, your desires for the future; all to fulfill the fantasies that you had, the desires that you had, the selfish wants that you had.


You had within you a moment - and you know when this happened - a moment when you made a decision to go ahead and have this affair.

Prior to that moment, you loved your husband and did not want to cheat on him. You thought about him, you loved him, and you were torn about cheating on him. Then, that moment arrived, and you decided you wanted to "make yourself happy". Immediately following that moment, your husband suddenly had many negative qualities, he was blameworthy, didn't meet your needs, and you saw him as someone you "loved, but weren't in love with".

That is the moment you betrayed YOURSELF, and the morals you used to use to control your behavior and choices. Then, you betrayed your husband.


Look at the OM in terms of your fantasies. He lied to you in order to gain your trust. He was willing to break up a marriage to get what he wanted. He was happy to destroy a marriage to have an affair with a woman who belonged with another man. He was willing to betray another woman in order to selfishly have what he wanted. He continues to betray that woman by lying to her, in order to continue his own selfish life to meet his own selfish needs. Yet, he told you this GF of his was not meeting his needs - he stays with her - why? Whatever reason he told you is a lie. He stays because he loves her, no matter what he says - his lies to you are told here every day, over and over.

You are normal to feel withdrawal. What you need to understand is that you did not love the OM. You thought you did, but you were wrong. Soon enough, you will realize this, and you will feel repulsed by your actions

and you will run to your husband and cling to him. You will beg him to love you, beg him for forgiveness, beg him to help you understand what you have done.


Sooner or later.

Because you will wake up with the light shining brightly on this affair, because your fog will lift. And when it does, you will be shocked at your own awakening - and you will not stop to try to undo what you have done.


The sooner you get started on working to restore your closeness to your husband, the faster this will happen. My suggestion? Do the Emotional Needs Questionnaire with your husband, and both of you get to work - to meet one another's top 3 needs every day. And give yourself about 3 more weeks.

Schoolbus

BFD, it's not married. If it were OM's wife, I would say she definitely needs to tell her, but since it's just his GF and her husband doesn't want her to expose, then I would go with what her BH wants. Besides, I have a feeling OM and his GF's relationship isn't heading toward marriage anytime soon.

AFAIK, the OM was engaged before, during and after his A with my FWW. He made it very clear to her at the end that he was really interested in his fiancee, not my FWW.

At some point the OMGF needs to be told about what happened, so she knows who she's really involved with.