No question: I loved him more than he loved me. To hear him talk now, what he felt for me was never <I>love</I>. I suppose it depends on one's definition of "love" though. His goes no deeper than infatuation; I know now that for him, once that's past, there is nothing else. I wish I would have known that 15+ years ago. Things would be a lot different. <P>I don't think I <I>could</I> much less <I>want</I> to go there again. Trust?? Never again. I'm better off by myself.<P>Funny. I've actually been there for a very, very long time. I just never knew it until one year ago day before yesterday.

In the past, we loved each other 100% and more. He was incredibly romantic, sweet, thoughtful and treated me like I was the most precious thing on earth. I treated him pretty well, too. Then we had a baby, and guess what? She became the most precious thing on earth to both of us. At first this brought us together, but over time we couldn't sustain our love for each other while putting so much energy into parenting. Don't get me wrong -- I'm not blaming our daughter for our problems -- we just didn't make the adjustment to being parents very well. <P>At the moment its pretty clear I love him more. He says he doesn't love me. Feels like the love faded over the years. He's never said he never loved me. How I wish he could remember how tender and loving and close we were. I miss that closeness, and I'm sure he does, too. Unfortunately, he went looking elsewhere to find it again. <P>I read a book called "What if I married the wrong person". The book points out that it is seldom the person that is the problem. Sometimes its the wrong stage of life, though. The fact that my H and I were so close and such best buddies before we had kids makes me think we would have a great time growing old together. We both love our kids, but its too easy to forget that raising kids (especially really young kids) is really a short time in the life of your marriage.

andy,<P>My little contribution to your question:<P>I loved my H more until he cheated on me. Then neither of us loved each other very much. When the love returned, I think he loved me more. I don't think I ever wanted to be hurt like I had been again. When I cheated, he lost the love, just as I had.<P>So, now we love each other, but don't really LOVE each other. I'd say it's about equal.<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

Good question. Just Learning has a great post. <P>The word "love" has at least three meanings: the "erotic" type, "brotherly" love, and the kind of love a mother has for her kids or God has for us. Sounds like Facing Choices' H loves her the third way. <P>Clearly my W never loved me the third way. She and the OM are stuck on the first type of love. They trade lies for that fleeting moment of sexual bliss when they can forget their unhappiness if only for a short time. I failed to show my wife that the third type of love even existed. She had a tough childhood and survived by using a burning anger to fuel her drive to a better life. The anger never shut off. <P>The entire idea of loving your spouse more than they love you (or vice versa) is based on selfishness. It is a marriage. You are the same "flesh", you are one. Can you love your hand more than it loves you? Our society has undermined this truth to the point that we cannot even say it without being labeled out-of-date. My W says marriage is just a piece of paper. So I guess our sons are just little pieces of paper. But, she does love them the third way, and it gives me hope. God is calling to her. <P>It took a lot for Him to get my attention. <P>------------------<BR>Eph 6:12<p>[This message has been edited by stevetlc (edited October 25, 1999).]

Tough question!<P>I think that my husband and I love each other equally...it's just not that deep.<P>I often think that my husband doesn't really love me that much and I'll tell him this. He'll respond with, "What do you want me to do?"<P>Oh, I don't know! Maybe my husband loves me more, he just doesn't feel the need to profess it all the time whereas I need constant reassurance from him.<P>Sometimes I feel that I don't love my husband unconditionally. That's what I want...I want to love my husband no matter what we may be going through at a certain moment.

I think I loved my husband most of the time more than he loved me. I only say this now because he has told me that he doesn't believe there is just one person our there for anyone. He thinks many people could make one happy. He also told me that he vowed when he was young after being heart broken by his "Love of his Life" that he would never ever love someone to that degree again. So he never totally let me in. Not completely.<P>Although for him to have hung on for so long and to have given up his OW too. I am not sure.<P>There was a time when I think he may have loved me more than I loved him. <P>Like everything I think maybe it goes in cycles?<P>------------------<BR>God bless you and all of us.<P>Samantha<BR>

My H and I use to say "I love you", then the other would say "I love you more". Since the betrayal we don't say that anymore. I believe it is because it is impossible to measure love. Sure one wouldn't hurt the other in a certain way but its funny how we don't realize we all hurt each other in the way we do it best! I feel I love my H with a love that only God could of given me, since God gave me the ability to forgive him. But my love for my H is based on the fact that God loved me enough to forgive me and call me His beloved. Love is immeasurable compared to the love the Father has for us. Who loves who more doesn't really matter. We are commanded to love our neighbor as ourself and our spouse certainly can be considered our closest neighbor.<P>------------------<BR>eyes wide open<BR>

My short answer is: I perceive that I loved my H more than he loved me.<P>Maybe we show our love differently, or define it differently, or who knows what...<BR>Maybe I see things this way because I think I tried to show him respect, and be sensitive to his needs. To me, that's what you do when you love someone. Maybe he just doesn't know how to do that. Does that mean he didn't love me? We definitely have some kind of bond that keeps us wanting to be together. I'm very confused. <P>Lizbeth

When I married my H, I felt as if he loved me much more than I loved him. He showed me what it meant to be loved unconditionally. He was there for me through the hard times, consistently showed me that his love was true. I could never imagine loving someone more than him, he's my everything and it took almost losing him to realize it. So you can say the roles are now reversed, I love him with everything I have, and he doesnt so much anymore. I wish I could turn back time.

Andy (By the way, got your email, thanks a heap, but lots has happened lately ... will fill you in soon)...<P>I believe in the beginning, we loved each other the same .... but the reasons WHY were perhaps different.<P>But ...he tells me he has never loved me the way I love him ... that he loves/loved me a great deal, but in a different way. Maybe a brotherly type of love from his perception?<P>I'm not sure if that's how it really was to start with (I thought our love was pretty equal), or whether his experiences with the OW's has coloured that perception. Being the type of person he is, I would have felt that he had to love totally, or not at all. No 1/2 way measures. But seeing the love he has felt for the OW, I think that maybe I did love him more than he loved me. Even with all our difficulties at times, it wouldn't have occurred to me to have an affair (or maybe the opportunity just never arose?), because the thought of hurting the man I loved more than anything or anyone else was too painful. Guess that means I must have loved him more than he loved me. <P>About whether this contributes to an affair, I would have to say I think it does. For starters, my H said that our differences in communication patterns made him really sad and frustrated. That he often felt like the love he felt for me, and tried to show me, just bounced right off, and back to him. That somehow, I didn't know how to accept the love he had for me, in a way that felt right for him. So althought I really loved him with all my heart and soul, he never really felt it. He did however, feel it with both the OW's, who somehow experienced and reflected his love in a way he understood, so it was so much easier to show and feel love ... not that he loved me any less, but that it was in a different way. And the things he said and did within our relationship, made me feel like he did love me with all HIS heart and soul, but he obviously wasn't feeling quite the same thing.<P>Andy, Do you really think your wife loves you more, or do you just love in different ways? Maybe you love each other for different reasons ... after all love is a very intangiable thing, what one person defines as love is different to another, and how one person expresses love, may be different from another, based on life experiences. So your perception that your wife has always loved you more, may be real to you, but maybe not to her. Maybe she always felt like you loved her just as much back in the beginning, even if you perceive you didn't. That's why it is difficult when you say you didn't ever feel ACL for her, but she thinks you did. Because her reality tells her you did. ... Just a thought.<P><p>[This message has been edited by sosad (edited October 29, 1999).]

My H and I have a saying, only one of us at a time can be insane, I forgot who's turn it was but I think that loving each other more follows that forum. <BR>I think that there have been times he has loved me more than I loved him and vice versa, and I really don't think the "love" issue matters. I think it is a committment issue. We are both now equally committed. There was a time where I was definately more committed to him than he was to me (why else would he have had an affair) but I think we both decided that we are now equally committed to not only ourselves and our old age plans but also to our family. <BR>Do I think it's my turn to love him more or his turn to love me more? I don't know. It's awful hard to wake up next to a pregnant wife and know that she is feeling rotten and snapping. It's also awful hard to feel some doubts about the pregnancy (both of us) and yet feel that this is SO RIGHT. I think we are both grabbing on to that love issue right now and hoping it helps us to bridge the hard times. God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<P><BR>

Halloween?

How in the heck would you be able to measure this?