My son is getting married in October and I found out yesterday that he has invited his father's mistress, the one who broke up our marriage and helped destroy his family 10 years ago. My XH still lives with the skank ho and has not married her.

The last time I saw her was on October 12, 1999 when she showed up my son's funeral. My H had left me for his affair, and a couple of months afterwards, my 18 year old son was killed. The OW escorted my husband [yes we were married] to the viewing and to the funeral, seating herself up front in the family section.

I was in such a state of shock at the funeral that it just didn't register how WRONG it was for her to be there pretending like she was a family "friend" instead of my H's adultery partner. But I knew. And she knew I knew.

And she was there rubbing it in my face at the funeral of a boy whose family she had helped destroy.

But I did not have the strength to eject her from the funeral home because I was in shock. The memory of her hugging my husband in front of my son's casket is burned in my memory and causes me great rage just remembering how she disrespected me and my sons at that horrible time.

Now I am being asked to endure her presence at my son's wedding. I have tried to explain to my son how very painful it will be to have to endure her presence at his wedding, but I don't think he gets it.

His father has successfully rationalized his adultery ["your mother is better off"] so my son is inclined to sweep this under the rug just as his father has and pretend that wrong is right.

My son is normally very clear headed and has a good sense of right and wrong. EXCEPT when it comes to this. He seems to have his fathers very dangerous viewpoint that adultery is sometimes the solution a bad marriage, therefore, the ends justify the means. He has written this off as "mother is just bitter about the divorce!" [I am bitter about having this affair rubbed in my nose in my darkest hour when I could not defend myself]

I spoke to MrsW and SMB and they gave me some wonderful advice. They both agreed that I should not allow this OW to rob me of one more thing and that I should just go, making it known how disappointed I am that this marriage wrecker will be at their wedding. I think I am inclined to agree with them but doubt my ability to pull it off.

Just hope I don't take her down at the wedding. MrsW said that wouldn't be "classy" but I assured her I would dress like a lady for the occasion.

Thank you listening to my latest drama.

Would that be the pink-handled Taurus automatic in a thigh holster under your dress? Just don't go with white handles; that's the bride's color and this is a Texas wedding after all!

MrsW and SMB are right on.

Ugh... so sorry you have to endure this ML.

I was put into this very awkward position when I got married. Having to consider inviting my mother and her AP and his extended family - for the sake of my sisters, who don't know their father was is an OM.

The thought of doing it to keep the peace made me sick and cast a dark cloud over the whole wedding. I was angry at my parents for putting me in the situation.

Thankfully, my mother freaked and we had a huge blow out a month before the wedding and solved the issue for me. She didn't go to my wedding, and it was a happy, fun filled event that people talk about to this day.

The issue reared it's head again when DD was born as everyone wanted to be there her first few weeks home....

It's probably something I'll have to deal with the rest of her life...

I agree with the excellent advice you've been given. Go - be classy. I do agree that it's unfortunate that a homewrecker is allowed to tarnish his nuptials.

Try to focus on your son and the beauty of the commitment he is making. Ignore the trash as she is not worthy of your time.

Though part of me wants to say: "Where's the wedding?" So I can show up and hold your bag while you lay into the OW, and record it for posterity's sake, of course.

dang, he's good!

Why thank you, Vibrissa! This way you make sure I do it "classy!"

Thanks for the feedback on your own wedding.

Make sure you leave your pistol in the car! You're a better woman than me, I'd have a hard time having her (or him for that matter) in the same room, especially after the stunt she pulled at your son's funeral, not to mention her part in wrecking your marriage. That just makes me ANGRY and SHAME on your EX for allowing it! Will all the other family members know who and what she is?

This has to be one of the cruelest things I have ever heard.ever.

{{{{{{{{{MelodyLane}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I agree with MrsW's and SMB's advice...I know you are strong enough to do it too but I am still so sorry you have to deal with this.

I am going to include with my daily prayers that POSOW falls and twists her ankle and can't make it to the wedding.

I'm so sorry, Mel. You don't have to worry about being classy....we all know you are classy....and WAY more classy than some OW. And remember that we southern women can do just as much damage as a gun with our syrupy smiles and our "bless your hearts." Filet Mignon ALWAYS trumps rotten bologna! Plus steak has less carbs!

What I lack in wisdom, I make up for in corny irritating humor

Mel,

To further BB's advice, make sure that what you are packin' is shined up and cleaned. It is just soooo tacky to show up with a piece that has a dirty barrel.

On a serious note, actually a very serious note,I cannot tell you how sorry I am to hear about the OW showing up at your son's funeral. I just really don't know what to say Mel and you know this is serious if I don't know what to say. That should NEVER happen to anyone on such a terrible occasion.

My son just married (less than a year ago). The brides father had left her mother for another woman. All parties are remarried and were very civil at the wedding (plus it had been about 20 years). Yet, there was tension.

But, what I want to warn you about will NOT make your day, but given the title of this thread it seems appropriate. Talk to your son and I mean talk seriously to him. Does he fully understand what went on at his brother's funeral? Does he know how this eats at you?

I mention this, because 4 months after my son's married the issues of his brides family of origin reared their head and she walked out of the marriage, declaring she did not want the responsibility of marriage and wanted to lead the single life. She thinks this is just fine and she needs no help, no counseling, and "what is the big deal"?

Her mother is beside herself, and her father says...whatever.
We are all heartbroken about it as is clearly my son. As I told him he did not have time to mess up this marriage, this is not his fault.

You better believe I directed him to this site and have to rely on a lot of what I have learned here. In that vein I hope that my words will help you and more importantly your son see things more clearly.

I like Mrs W's advice, go and go in Grace. But, that said, your son needs to know that you doing this not about you being mad at the divorce, but rather about the attitude of OW and your ex. You don't want that carrying over to him.

God Bless,

JL

Talk to whomever is going to be seating guests.
Make sure BIG TEEF is not seated in the family section, at both the wedding and the reception.

If XH wants to sit with BIG TEEF, he can sit next to her, in Siberia.

When my sister's daughter got married the first time, the OW who broke up her M made it her business to take charge of several things in the wedding.
OW and sisters XH had already been M a few years by then.
My sis was in tears of sadness, frustration and rage.

It was a mess.

I hope you have a better experience, Mel.

{{{{{{{{Mel}}}}}}}}}

I am so very, very sorry..........

Not


Ps.....you could invite everyone on the boards and let "us" take care of her........

Just sayin'.......

(((Mel))) I cannot begin to imgaine the depth of your pain. I know for my poor father he has had to endure my mom's OM/H at every single wedding and funeral in our family since my parent's D. I feel so badly and now understand why he is still bitter more than 30 years later.

JL, I am so sorry about your son. I guess he is "fortunate" it happened now and not after they started making babies.

Oh, and another area to watch out for ....

The group family photos!

Make sure OW is not in those pix.

I would hope that since it's that important to her to be there that she would dress for the occasion in her finest...

and I would tip the punch lady a hundred bucks...

and bring a camera.

Jim

FF,

You are so right about not having babies in this mix. I have told him exactly what you said, better now than 10 years from now. What is really odd about this is that they are both in their 30's. When I saw Mel's title about the gift that keeps on giving, it really struck a chord with me.

I truly think it will take someone as strong as Mel to get through the wedding she faces. There are times when I think the French used to have it right about "crimes of passion".

A situation like Mel's and her son's funeral seems to me to be perfect for a "crime of passion". She showed great restraint.

JL

I am so sorry you are having to go through this.

I do appreciate you sharing the drama; I have been so fortunate to be able to completely separate myself from my wayward mother, but I have other relatives who have not made that choice and who might one day put me in a situation like what you describe. This gives me a chance to think about it ahead of time.

Hey, and I know where you can get some "itching powder".

Mel, I just want to say how sorry I am that you had to go through that experience at the funeral. Truly unfathomable.....

I would also like to add that, of all the people I've gotten to know a bit through their thoughts, opinions and commentary here at MB, you are at the top of the list of people who I truly believe can navigate through this wedding scenario with both grace and dignity. And with your head held high.....

Still, I know it will take away from the big day at least to a certain degree, and for that, I'm sorry......

TBC

Mel, what a hearbreaking memory to have and I am so sorry you had to endure their flagrant selfishness at your son's funeral. And now again at the wedding. That made me think of my own step-mother and the anguish she had at my step-brother's wedding when her XH was invited.

This was about 15 years ago, but I remember at the time thinking she was making too much of a 'big deal' about her ex being at the wedding and was just being dramatic. I now understand all too well what she was going through. I didn't get it way back then.

I don't think he was with his AP at the time as from what I gather there were many. In her case, I think it was more of his being a completely absent father to her son, and then given equal footing at the wedding as her. She raised my brother as a single mom until she married my dad when her son was 13. Her ex had pretty much written them both off and was a definate "deadbeat dad", however she sort of protected her son from that truth. It's all pretty sad.

I agree with JL's advice to really have a heart to heart with your son about the past, if you haven't already. You really are strong.