My son is getting married in October and I found out yesterday that he has invited his father's mistress, the one who broke up our marriage and helped destroy his family 10 years ago. My XH still lives with the skank ho and has not married her.
The last time I saw her was on October 12, 1999 when she showed up my son's funeral. My H had left me for his affair, and a couple of months afterwards, my 18 year old son was killed. The OW escorted my husband [yes we were married] to the viewing and to the funeral, seating herself up front in the family section.
I was in such a state of shock at the funeral that it just didn't register how WRONG it was for her to be there pretending like she was a family "friend" instead of my H's adultery partner. But I knew. And she knew I knew.
And she was there rubbing it in my face at the funeral of a boy whose family she had helped destroy.
But I did not have the strength to eject her from the funeral home because I was in shock. The memory of her hugging my husband in front of my son's casket is burned in my memory and causes me great rage just remembering how she disrespected me and my sons at that horrible time.
Now I am being asked to endure her presence at my son's wedding. I have tried to explain to my son how very painful it will be to have to endure her presence at his wedding, but I don't think he gets it.
His father has successfully rationalized his adultery ["your mother is better off"] so my son is inclined to sweep this under the rug just as his father has and pretend that wrong is right.
My son is normally very clear headed and has a good sense of right and wrong. EXCEPT when it comes to this. He seems to have his fathers very dangerous viewpoint that adultery is sometimes the solution a bad marriage, therefore, the ends justify the means. He has written this off as "mother is just bitter about the divorce!" [I am bitter about having this affair rubbed in my nose in my darkest hour when I could not defend myself]
I spoke to MrsW and SMB and they gave me some wonderful advice. They both agreed that I should not allow this OW to rob me of one more thing and that I should just go, making it known how disappointed I am that this marriage wrecker will be at their wedding. I think I am inclined to agree with them but doubt my ability to pull it off.
Just hope I don't take her down at the wedding. MrsW said that wouldn't be "classy" but I assured her I would dress like a lady for the occasion.
MrsW said that wouldn't be "classy" but I assured her I would dress like a lady for the occasion.
Would that be the pink-handled Taurus automatic in a thigh holster under your dress? Just don't go with white handles; that's the bride's color and this is a Texas wedding after all!
I was put into this very awkward position when I got married. Having to consider inviting my mother and her AP and his extended family - for the sake of my sisters, who don't know their father was is an OM.
The thought of doing it to keep the peace made me sick and cast a dark cloud over the whole wedding. I was angry at my parents for putting me in the situation.
Thankfully, my mother freaked and we had a huge blow out a month before the wedding and solved the issue for me. She didn't go to my wedding, and it was a happy, fun filled event that people talk about to this day.
The issue reared it's head again when DD was born as everyone wanted to be there her first few weeks home....
It's probably something I'll have to deal with the rest of her life...
I agree with the excellent advice you've been given. Go - be classy. I do agree that it's unfortunate that a homewrecker is allowed to tarnish his nuptials.
Try to focus on your son and the beauty of the commitment he is making. Ignore the trash as she is not worthy of your time.
Just hope I don't take her down at the wedding. MrsW said that wouldn't be "classy" but I assured her I would dress like a lady for the occasion. :grin
Though part of me wants to say: "Where's the wedding?" So I can show up and hold your bag while you lay into the OW, and record it for posterity's sake, of course.
MrsW said that wouldn't be "classy" but I assured her I would dress like a lady for the occasion.
Would that be the pink-handled Taurus automatic in a thigh holster under your dress? Just don't go with white handles; that's the bride's color and this is a Texas wedding after all!
Just hope I don't take her down at the wedding. MrsW said that wouldn't be "classy" but I assured her I would dress like a lady for the occasion. :grin
Though part of me wants to say: "Where's the wedding?" So I can show up and hold your bag while you lay into the OW, and record it for posterity's sake, of course.
Why thank you, Vibrissa! This way you make sure I do it "classy!"
Just hope I don't take her down at the wedding. MrsW said that wouldn't be "classy" but I assured her I would dress like a lady for the occasion.
Make sure you leave your pistol in the car! You're a better woman than me, I'd have a hard time having her (or him for that matter) in the same room, especially after the stunt she pulled at your son's funeral, not to mention her part in wrecking your marriage. That just makes me ANGRY and SHAME on your EX for allowing it! Will all the other family members know who and what she is?
I'm so sorry, Mel. You don't have to worry about being classy....we all know you are classy....and WAY more classy than some OW. And remember that we southern women can do just as much damage as a gun with our syrupy smiles and our "bless your hearts." Filet Mignon ALWAYS trumps rotten bologna! Plus steak has less carbs!
What I lack in wisdom, I make up for in corny irritating humor
To further BB's advice, make sure that what you are packin' is shined up and cleaned. It is just soooo tacky to show up with a piece that has a dirty barrel.
On a serious note, actually a very serious note,I cannot tell you how sorry I am to hear about the OW showing up at your son's funeral. I just really don't know what to say Mel and you know this is serious if I don't know what to say. That should NEVER happen to anyone on such a terrible occasion.
My son just married (less than a year ago). The brides father had left her mother for another woman. All parties are remarried and were very civil at the wedding (plus it had been about 20 years). Yet, there was tension.
But, what I want to warn you about will NOT make your day, but given the title of this thread it seems appropriate. Talk to your son and I mean talk seriously to him. Does he fully understand what went on at his brother's funeral? Does he know how this eats at you?
I mention this, because 4 months after my son's married the issues of his brides family of origin reared their head and she walked out of the marriage, declaring she did not want the responsibility of marriage and wanted to lead the single life. She thinks this is just fine and she needs no help, no counseling, and "what is the big deal"?
Her mother is beside herself, and her father says...whatever. We are all heartbroken about it as is clearly my son. As I told him he did not have time to mess up this marriage, this is not his fault.
You better believe I directed him to this site and have to rely on a lot of what I have learned here. In that vein I hope that my words will help you and more importantly your son see things more clearly.
I like Mrs W's advice, go and go in Grace. But, that said, your son needs to know that you doing this not about you being mad at the divorce, but rather about the attitude of OW and your ex. You don't want that carrying over to him.
Talk to whomever is going to be seating guests. Make sure BIG TEEF is not seated in the family section, at both the wedding and the reception.
If XH wants to sit with BIG TEEF, he can sit next to her, in Siberia.
When my sister's daughter got married the first time, the OW who broke up her M made it her business to take charge of several things in the wedding. OW and sisters XH had already been M a few years by then. My sis was in tears of sadness, frustration and rage.
(((Mel))) I cannot begin to imgaine the depth of your pain. I know for my poor father he has had to endure my mom's OM/H at every single wedding and funeral in our family since my parent's D. I feel so badly and now understand why he is still bitter more than 30 years later.
JL, I am so sorry about your son. I guess he is "fortunate" it happened now and not after they started making babies.
You are so right about not having babies in this mix. I have told him exactly what you said, better now than 10 years from now. What is really odd about this is that they are both in their 30's. When I saw Mel's title about the gift that keeps on giving, it really struck a chord with me.
I truly think it will take someone as strong as Mel to get through the wedding she faces. There are times when I think the French used to have it right about "crimes of passion".
A situation like Mel's and her son's funeral seems to me to be perfect for a "crime of passion". She showed great restraint.
I do appreciate you sharing the drama; I have been so fortunate to be able to completely separate myself from my wayward mother, but I have other relatives who have not made that choice and who might one day put me in a situation like what you describe. This gives me a chance to think about it ahead of time.
Mel, I just want to say how sorry I am that you had to go through that experience at the funeral. Truly unfathomable.....
I would also like to add that, of all the people I've gotten to know a bit through their thoughts, opinions and commentary here at MB, you are at the top of the list of people who I truly believe can navigate through this wedding scenario with both grace and dignity. And with your head held high.....
Still, I know it will take away from the big day at least to a certain degree, and for that, I'm sorry......
Mel, what a hearbreaking memory to have and I am so sorry you had to endure their flagrant selfishness at your son's funeral. And now again at the wedding. That made me think of my own step-mother and the anguish she had at my step-brother's wedding when her XH was invited.
This was about 15 years ago, but I remember at the time thinking she was making too much of a 'big deal' about her ex being at the wedding and was just being dramatic. I now understand all too well what she was going through. I didn't get it way back then.
I don't think he was with his AP at the time as from what I gather there were many. In her case, I think it was more of his being a completely absent father to her son, and then given equal footing at the wedding as her. She raised my brother as a single mom until she married my dad when her son was 13. Her ex had pretty much written them both off and was a definate "deadbeat dad", however she sort of protected her son from that truth. It's all pretty sad.
I agree with JL's advice to really have a heart to heart with your son about the past, if you haven't already. You really are strong.
Any chance we can get Bravotv to start a new Housewives series...
The Housewives Of Texas.
Be perfect timing for the showdown at the "HO"down episode.
It might be as good as the table tipping episode of the New Jersey wives...
or the one coming up this Monday when Teresa chases Danielle out of the restaurant....Teresa's heel breaks and she just keeps giving chase...and Danielle's bodyguard picks her up...carries her to safety like Kevin Costner did Whitney Houston in Bodyguard. <gag>
EXCEPT....this time there ain't no saving the HO bag.
Any chance we can get Bravotv to start a new Housewives series...
The Housewives Of Texas.
Be perfect timing for the showdown at the "HO"down episode.
It might be as good as the table tipping episode of the New Jersey wives...
or the one coming up this Monday when Teresa chases Danielle out of the restaurant....Teresa's heel breaks and she just keeps giving chase...and Danielle's bodyguard picks her up...carries her to safety like Kevin Costner did Whitney Houston in Bodyguard. <gag>
EXCEPT....this time there ain't no saving the HO bag.
oooops...got a little carried away there.
commie
That's TOO funny! I've had the same thought about a HWofTexas show. How they'd all have to be packin'... Danielle wouldn't stand a chance in Texas.
Wow, MelodyLane. I didn't know you endured both an A and the death of a child at the same time. That kind of loss leaves me just about speechless, but now I understand better where your strength and knowledge come from.
When you are at the wedding, walk in there looking radiant and with your head held high. YOU have every reason in the world to celebrate your son's marriage.
OW, on the other hand, really doesn't even deserve a second thought from you. You know the truth about who she is and what she's done (as do plenty of people that will be there) and she's the one that should feel uncomfortable about being there, not you.
I can certainly understand where the urge to deck her would come from but really, would she be worth breaking a nail over???
I agree with the advice to talk to your son, but I assume this has already been done.
So let me say this, and I mean it in the best possible way:
I hope your son NEVER understands how much this situation hurts. I hope he's always just a little bit clueless about it. And I hope his marriage is spectacularly wonderful.
Are you going to give him and his bride a stack of Marriage Builders books earned from radio show questions at the reception?
I am sorry to hear about the events at the funeral...
Does the mother of the bride know of the circumstances of your son's fathers AP?
Sometimes, its worth the convo. That way you can minimize SOME of the things during the wedding to aviod confict and pain.
Son may not help. Future DIL may not help nor understand, but future MIL may have some sway with seating charts, photo opp's and other arrangements.
A simple statement to MIL: "I do hope that you know that *skankyho* is the woman that broke up the marriage of your future SIL's parents. I would ask some consideration to NOT be required to be part of any "family photo's" that include her, nor being seated anywhere near her during the ceremonies..."
You might know her and she may o may not respond to it, but usually, the mother of the bride has ALOT of sway over the nuptials.
And as J/L recommended, you should have a sit down with DS about WHY you feel this way. And WHY you are not "bitter" but why you do not feel that you have to be in the same room with skanky-ho.
It is a good idea. I think talking to DIL is worth a shot too. After all, she wants to get on her soon to be MIL's good side. Maybe she can help your son understand this.
Maybe you could take future DIL and her mom out to lunch and ask for their help...advice.
I've heard that Aquanet comes in travel size....and if it accidentally gets sprayed in someone's eyes while no one is looking, it really hurts.
I was a bridesmaid at a friend's wedding long ago, and the dad brought his HO. The mom was very upset. But ya know....everyone there knew the story. The mom didn't have to worry because everyone there kind of "protected" her and pretty much politely froze out ho-ho. It wasn't ugly or tacky or anything. It was just very clear what everyone thought of hohead being there.
I have never thought of you as bitter - just wise with a strong moral compass.
The mom didn't have to worry because everyone there kind of "protected" her and pretty much politely froze out ho-ho. It wasn't ugly or tacky or anything. It was just very clear what everyone thought of hohead being there.
Yes. My nephew got M last year and invited his dad and his father's ho/wife. I watched over my sister all evening as did others.
And I looked past, talked past, walked past the two of them all night. My sister and I behaved as though neither of them were even there. All the decent people there either ignored them or treated them w/ a cold politeness.
I am so sorry you are having to go through this Mel. Definitely sit down with daughter in law and her mom. Explain the situation. I was very careful at my wedding where Bio-dad and family were placed. If MIL had said she would have problems with the situation, I would have ensured they were not invited.
IMHO, having an adulteress at a wedding is an insult not only to the BS, but to the wedding as a whole. Adultery flies in the face of the very vows they are there to take! It is wholly disrespectful to the bride and groom.
On a funny side thought, did you ever see "Sweet Home Alabama"? Why can I just see you pulling what the main character did and someone else saying "the south has risen again!"
Oh Melodylane, I am so very sorry to hear this story! I agree with SuzieQ, this has to be the cruelest story I have ever heard!
How horrible for your XH to even allow the POSOW to be at your son's funeral & now to come to your other son's wedding...makes me so sick to think that you have to go through this!!!
I too will pray for your strength! I will also wish for a broken ankle. I don't understand some people & their cruel intentions! You sound like such a strong woman!
Wow, MelodyLane. I didn't know you endured both an A and the death of a child at the same time. That kind of loss leaves me just about speechless, but now I understand better where your strength and knowledge come from.
When you are at the wedding, walk in there looking radiant and with your head held high. YOU have every reason in the world to celebrate your son's marriage.
OW, on the other hand, really doesn't even deserve a second thought from you. You know the truth about who she is and what she's done (as do plenty of people that will be there) and she's the one that should feel uncomfortable about being there, not you.
I can certainly understand where the urge to deck her would come from but really, would she be worth breaking a nail over???
ITA what SidneyT said. ML, this is going to suck. But MAN! are you going to be a hero in your son's (&dil's) eyes! That's grace under pressure. As opposed to OW under your car tires, which is frowned upon at many social gatherings.
I assume they'll be getting (or already got) some Harley books as wedding gifts, yes? I can't think of a better gift.
Thanks Princess Meggy, if I do decide to go, I will leave my pink handled Taurus pistol in the car. I don't know yet if I can go with her there. Seriously. I am freaking Irish and have a horrendous temper. This kind of disrespect just sends me over the edge.
Luroosi, the bad thing is that MAMA is paying for the catering and if that ho shows she will eating all my LOW CARB BBQ and cucumber salad!
Thanks so much, JL. I am so sorry for your son. What a tragedy. And yes, I have spoken to my son. He only sees my happy marriage with my new H and thinks I made out in the deal! "you are so much better off, Mom!" Which scares me, because his father has taught him that adultery is the solution to a bad marriage and we should all just accept it and move on. ugh�
Part of the problem is that this is such an emotionally charged situation for me that I easily go into RAGE ZONE and when that happens he turns me off. MRsW warned me about this, but I do find it very hard to control.
Good idea, Pepperband. I will be helping in the setting up of the wedding and I will make sure her chair is in the bathroom.
Be perfect timing for the showdown at the "HO"down episode.
It might be as good as the table tipping episode of the New Jersey wives...
or the one coming up this Monday when Teresa chases Danielle out of the restaurant....Teresa's heel breaks and she just keeps giving chase...and Danielle's bodyguard picks her up...carries her to safety like Kevin Costner did Whitney Houston in Bodyguard. <gag>
EXCEPT....this time there ain't no saving the HO bag.
you know it girlfriend!!! They need to get this hodown on film!! MelodyLane on da front lawn showing the OW a thing or two about a thing or two! She will be in my territory now! "officer, this FLATHEADED YANKEE GAL had an affair with my husband and has the nerve to show up at my son's wedding!!" Texas Ranger: "you're goin to jail, gal!!"
Originally Posted by Sidney
I can certainly understand where the urge to deck her would come from but really, would she be worth breaking a nail over???
Now, Sidney, a Texas gal can kick some [censored] without breaking a sweat or mussing her hair!
Originally Posted by Lousygolfer
Does the mother of the bride know of the circumstances of your son's fathers AP?
Here is the kicker, LG, and this makes me doubly mad at my son. The mother of the bride does know. The brides father left her mother when A was 2 for his affair partner. THAT affair partner, now married to her dad, IS NOT INVITED TO THE WEDDING. I pointed this out to my son and he said "mom, that is different, she was mean to A."
As if my H's OW was not "mean" to him. She strived and succeeded in breaking up his family and his parents marriage. That is pretty damn mean if you ask me!
I like the idea of talking to A's mother about this. She went through the same thing and would likely be very understanding.
Originally Posted by luroosi
I've heard that Aquanet comes in travel size....and if it accidentally gets sprayed in someone's eyes while no one is looking, it really hurts.
that is a good one!
ELuna, thanks for the feedback. I really like that suggestion.
Thanks Fred, stillhope, Marsh, and marital bliss.
You guys are awesome! Thanks so much for your wonderful feedback!
Part of the problem is that this is such an emotionally charged situation for me that I easily go into RAGE ZONE and when that happens he turns me off. MRsW warned me about this, but I do find it very hard to control.
Ahhhhhhhh, but Mrs. W knows you to be a person of great faith - This is a test of that faith - You MUST believe that God meant every single word He has ever said...
Memorize this verse - in case of nerves, write it down and put it in your very classy wedding handbag...
Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord.
Romans 12:19
You rest easy knowing that God has you covered! Let Him take care of old "Billy Bob Teef"...He will...
Melody Lane As you have so adequately described the OW did not act with class or sensitivity. There will be additional boorish behaviour you will have to endure as long as you are linked together by your children. It is times like this one has to display as much professionalism and grace that one can muster. This event is for your son. And from what I have seen from your posts on this forum I have confidence you will be a picture of dignity and grace.
However this does not diminish the emotions and discomfort you have to face while in the presence of someone who has contributed to the breakdown of your family. However you can be secure knowing you do not have to participate in the the display of classlessness you have been presented with.
As my Mother used to remind me "There are times we must keep a stiff upper lip and rise above our circumstances"
Aquanet and a BIC lighter can create some interesting effects, FWIW.
Seriously, I'm sorry you even have to deal with this crap, but as the title of the thread explains it...
You know you have to go, though, because missing the wedding of your son would haunt you for a long time for sure. I'm also thinking of a biblical principal here; being nice to your enemies is like heaping burning coals upon his(her) head.
Just happens to be a skanky flathead in this case.
And I'd leave the Taurus at home, even if the color is a perfect match for the wedding theme.
You're WAY better than she is and this is a chance to prove it to everyone.
She isn't worth the effort to hate her enough to miss your son's wedding over. The best revenge is a life well lived.
Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord.
Romans 12:19
But, that doesn't mean that Mel cannot show up and SHINE That Mel cannot show up with her H and show the world what class really vs. what classless really is.
Now being married to a Texas girl myself, I will tell you there is NO way on God's Green Earth that some HO would keep her from attending her son's wedding.
I'm tellin' ya' Mel, shine up and show up girl and teach that woman what GRACE is really about.
WARNING: Shamefully Petty, Shallow, Frivolous & Unapologetic Post Ahead!
And of course you could wear a potato sack and EASILY out do "The Teef Tart", however, personally I would treat myself to the VERY BEST Mother of the Groom dress I could afford - I'd also find the most excellent airbrush make-up artist in the area and use them, I'd have my hair done by someone extraordinary - Mind you, go for trial runs beforehand...
Many here will probably slap me silly for saying this, but well, YOU KNOW ME, [and I know you!] soooo...I'd also go to a rockin' plastic surgeon a month or so before hand and get myself a few "fillers"...
Don't know about you, but I do my best snubbin' when I look HOT!
Mrs. W
P.S. Don't forget you do NOT want to lend any credence whatsoever to any bull**** rationalizations and justifications of your Wayard EX-H - If you kick OW's butt imagine how that would play into his hands - "See, THIS type thing is EXACTLY why I had to get out! Do you see what I was dealing with?" No way should he have any opportunity to try and paint himself as a victim of any sort! Oh no, you must NOT give him that - and you won't! I am confident that you won't!
Holy Moly Melody.....geez I am just stunned at all you have had to endure! and now this!! good grief.
I agree with Mrs.W get the royal treatment all done before you go and hopefully by talking to the brides Mother this horrible OW will NOT be invited...your son just isn't "understanding" this at all...he's watched to many of those insane modern moives with all the adulters sitting around at family functions and acting like it's no big deal...I hate those flicks.
Sending Hugs to you.....I still see that nasty picture you posted of her and your XH...big teef is right!
IMHO, having an adulteress at a wedding is an insult not only to the BS, but to the wedding as a whole. Adultery flies in the face of the very vows they are there to take! It is wholly disrespectful to the bride and groom.
Excellent point. This is worth repeating.
BTW, Melody, a bit of diluted battery acid in a spray bottle should work wonders on clothes made of cotton and other natural fabrics, and the effects only show up several days afterwards. The clothes look perfectly normal, then start ripping to shreds all by themselves. Don't ask me how I know this (evil grin)...
Now being married to a Texas girl myself, I will tell you there is NO way on God's Green Earth that some HO would keep her from attending her son's wedding.
I don't know if I have it in me to allow HER to attend. I may have to make other arrangements for HER but I am still thinking. All this grace and class you folks are ascribing to me cannot go wasted! So I may have to make her an offer she can't refuse and change her plans. Otherwise I fear I may not act with grace and class if she shows her face.
Still thinking this one through....
MrsW, thanks so much for being my friend and listening to my fury this morning.
I am really shocked I am this furious so far out. I think the reason is that I ENDURED something that was really beyond my personality to endure thinking that I was "showing growth" and whatfreaking ever. I remember my mother and sisters saying how amazed they were that I had "risen above all this.."
And here I am 10 years later nursing the biggest resentment I have ever endured in my life. I am not a grudge holder. Anyone who knows me will tell you that. But I have a deep and enduring resentment over my FAILURE to protect myself from this OW. I RESENT that I did not grab her by the hair of the head and eject her from the funeral home.
I said this to my sister today and I wondered why in the hell my own family wouldnt have done that for me!!? Why didnt they protect me at that time?? They were not in shock. My sister said they didn't really understand at that time what was going on. And maybe that is so.
I fully realize the "rising above it" solution would be to go the wedding and endure again, but quite frankly, I don't know if I am cut out for that. While I sure don't want to miss the wedding, I don't know that I would settle for her presence.
IMHO, having an adulteress at a wedding is an insult not only to the BS, but to the wedding as a whole. Adultery flies in the face of the very vows they are there to take! It is wholly disrespectful to the bride and groom.
Excellent point. This is worth repeating.
BTW, Melody, a bit of diluted battery acid in a spray bottle should work wonders on clothes made of cotton and other natural fabrics, and the effects only show up several days afterwards. The clothes look perfectly normal, then start ripping to shreds all by themselves. Don't ask me how I know this (evil grin)...
If you don't go to the wedding then you are allowing 'buck teef' to steal one more important thing from your life....your son's wedding. You cannot allow POSOW to steal that from you!! If you don't go you will regret it forever.
I agree with talking to your future daughter-in-laws mother. Maybe she can apply some pressure from that end to get skank ho uninvited. Worth a shot anyway....
Mel, you are AMAZING and now all of us hear your story and think you're even MORE remarkable.
Grace under fire. Classy as heck. A Texan. You are a remarkable human being and this WILL be something you accomplish with the same grace and class you have shown throughout the rest of your experiences.
I truly can't even imagine going through this. It is ALWAYS a possibility and it SUCKS.
I can't wait to read about how you went to your son's wedding and you had one AMAZINGLY perfect moment where you showed OW just what you thought about her and dismissed her like a piece of gum on the bottom of your shoe. Then you had a GLORIOUS time and how wonderful the day was.
It is obvious that neither your exH or his skanky hobag have the brains, class or compassion to understand any of this. Anything you do will just confuse them.
Go be your wonderful, classy self and enjoy your sons wedding. Hold your husband close and before you leave you might drop a little something in her ear quietly just to make yourself feel better if you need to. Think of a good one, one that will keep you in smiles through the ceremony and reception etc. You out smart and out class her by miles. Then you can bop her. BTW, why have they not married? (when is it going to be her turn?) Hmmmm? Does she wonder that? Not good enough for marriage material? YKWIM, drop it in her ear on your way out and then grab that husband of yours and sashay yourself out the door holding each other tightly. I agree with Mrs. W, be smokin hot. Whatever makes you feel like you could knock em dead with a look do it, as long as it is appropriate for a wedding, lol.
What they did to you at your sons funeral is the worst thing I have ever heard. It made GM put his head in his hands and it made me so angry I almost started in on him. Bless your heart. Nobody should ever have to endure the death of a child but to have the pain compounded like that is beyond anything I can even imagine. I don't know what to say but if you were here I would hug you so hard.
My wonderful brother in law from Oklahoma just called me and said that if my son wants to disrespect me at his wedding that they won't be coming. period. He is disappointed with my son and intends on calling him. He told me that I was disrespected once and shouldn't let it happen again.
I would rather she not come at all, so I intend on pursuing that avenue. We will see what happens.
I am so glad to hear this Mel. I am glad they have your back. Relax and see how this plays out. Oh yes, I suggest a wedding gift of Marriage Builders books but I bet you have thought of that already. :-)
Let us know what happens and what you need from us to get you ready to deal if that is what you need. WE will certainly have your back, after all, you have had most of ours from the time we were mewling and bellowing nonsense because that is about all we could shake out of our sad little hearts.
I am so glad to hear this Mel. I am glad they have your back. Relax and see how this plays out. Oh yes, I suggest a wedding gift of Marriage Builders books but I bet you have thought of that already. :-)
Let us know what happens and what you need from us to get you ready to deal if that is what you need. WE will certainly have your back, after all, you have had most of ours from the time we were mewling and bellowing nonsense because that is about all we could shake out of our sad little hearts.
Thanks for the support, DWG! I am so glad to have friends here who understand where I am coming from.
I did give them the book "I Promise You" so they are somewhat familiar with Marriage Builders. My son told me the other day that he read that sacrifice is terrible so I know he has been reading. But, he does have odd views about adultery and I am afraid that he believes that adultery is one solution to a bad marriage. That scares me and it really should scare his fiance.
It would worry me too. Was this son in the home when this happened? I am just wondering because mine were not, their dad took them out and told them what he had done and I don't think they could ever cheat because when they came home I was no longer their mother, I was a melted and sobbing nothing. I think I terrified them because I had always been the one there, always.
I don't know how it works when the kids are there, maybe it is much different. Maybe it just depends on a whole lotta things and I am just talking too much as usual ;-).
I said this to my sister today and I wondered why in the hell my own family wouldnt have done that for me!!? Why didnt they protect me at that time?? They were not in shock. My sister said they didn't really understand at that time what was going on. And maybe that is so.
I have to say Mel, I was wondering this VERY thing. I can UNDERSTAND why you COULDN'T protect yourself, but I'm rather befuddled no one else had the good sense's say something.....
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I fully realize the "rising above it" solution would be to go the wedding and endure again, but quite frankly, I don't know if I am cut out for that. While I sure don't want to miss the wedding, I don't know that I would settle for her presence.
Real quick, my FIL did not attend MY wedding. Now it didn't have anything to do with adultery, it more or less had to do with him not being happy with H at the time. I called him that day to try and talk him into coming. He refused.....
Today he will tell you it was one of the biggest regrets he has. My FIL is a VERY prideful man. It took a lot for him to admit that.....
I would really hate for you to have this regret Mel......
My wonderful brother in law from Oklahoma just called me and said that if my son wants to disrespect me at his wedding that they won't be coming. period. He is disappointed with my son and intends on calling him. He told me that I was disrespected once and shouldn't let it happen again.
I am so happy to hear you have some people in your corner.
Mel, would your BIL consider expressing his disappointment to your son, but still attend the wedding and "have your back" there.
I know that when I had to face my in-laws at my son's graduation shortly after we started recovery, my friends made sure I was not left alone to converse with the enablers. Can some of your family create a "barrier" between you and OW at the wedding?
DWG, yes my son was in the home when my H left for his affair. He SAW how devastated I was. HOWEVER, his father and my family swept this all under the rug because they were all "rising above it" and "showing growth" and whatnot. I come from a family that is very liberal and has a strong morally relativistic streak. I am afraid that streak still poisoned us to a great degree and we were in the habit of sweeping sin under the rug and "rising above it." My family confused moral neutrality with maturity and believed this was a virtue. That was the culture in my family.
not, I agree with you about missing the wedding. It would break my heart. So I have decided that SHE will miss the wedding if I have anything to do with it.
I don't want to have regrets, but I am sitting here with a TEN YEAR LONG RESENTMENT because I allowed myself to be disrespected 10 years ago. So I am more fearful actually of compounding that resentment. I think if I stand up for myself this time and eject her from the invitation list, I will feel much better about all this.
Hi Melody, DWG is right. Anything that you do, (indirectly), will just confuse them. Snaggle-toof should not be at YOUR sons wedding, not even the bathroom. I think that you have two courses here, both of which are in motion.
1. Direct assault on snaggle-toof: Maybe a face to face with her to let her know that she is not welcome to attend the wedding of your son. Banging your XWH gives her no right to disgrace their vows with her presence, regardless if she receives an invite from them.
2. Family Support: Your BIL has started this. Others I hope can talk to your son also about how disrespectful this is. I suspect your son is just trying to be nice to his dad and doesn't want any drama.
What you said about resentment has stuck with me. What this woman did at your son's funeral is indescribable. You deserve to have this resentment, but how long are you going to hold on to it? The longer you do, the longer you empower this woman.
You resent your failure to protect yourself at your sons funeral? I cannot fathom what you must have been going through at the time. Do not beat yourself up for not dragging her [censored] out of the place. You handled it well.
What you said about resentment has stuck with me. What this woman did at your son's funeral is indescribable. You deserve to have this resentment, but how long are you going to hold on to it? The longer you do, the longer you empower this woman.
I will hold onto it as long as I am triggered. I wasn't resentful about it last week or the week before. But all that fury and pain comes flooding back because I was triggered on Wednesday. See, I moved far, far away so I wouldn't have to have my nose rubbed in all this. And now it comes to me 1200 miles away.
That is why I have done my level best to AVOID the OW all these years. Her presence triggers me greatly. I am experiencing TODAY a great deal of pain over this. All of those horrendous memories came flooding back.
Dr Harley even says if you have resentments then you need to avoid triggers. That has certainly proven true in my case.
I think I'd go through the bride's mother, since she's been cheated on and is more likely to be truly empathetic. (not guaranteed) Enlisting the help of the bride, especially over a nice meal, could also be useful. If these women are too stupid (or scared) to object and make waves, then you may just have to go and knock 'em dead, metaphorically speaking, and KNOW that if you do, you'll be a bigger burr under her saddle than she will be under yours.
tl
P.S. Kudos to Uncle. He sounds special, and somewhat rare.
I don't want to have regrets, but I am sitting here with a TEN YEAR LONG RESENTMENT because I allowed myself to be disrespected 10 years ago. So I am more fearful actually of compounding that resentment. I think if I stand up for myself this time and eject her from the invitation list, I will feel much better about all this.
I think you have it figured out here. I hope that you are able to do this and it will help you with this resentment. If she isn't ejected from the list, you'll know that you DID everything that you could and DID stand up for yourself....no regrets..
That is more than being selfish and oblivious to someone's anguish. That is just plain cruel. Only hatred could motivate someone to do that to someone else. I am sorry you have had to experience such a thing. That is a man with no conscience and no shame. Even the selfish and heartless man that I was could not have done that.
ML, I don't post to you very often, and we run in different circles. But your post to start this thread broke my heart.
I watched my mother bury two children. She was never the same after the first, and died herself soon after the second. And she had a devoted husband of many years.
I cannot imagine juxtaposing the two losses of child and marriage, and the flagrant cruelty you endured at your son's funeral. I am so, so sorry.
I don't know how to advise you. It seems to me on first impression that this is more about the loss of your son than the marriage of your son. I wish and hope that you can compartmentalize the two events so as not to lose the joy of the second to the grief of the first.
There are many things beyond our control, but our actions and reactions are squarely within our area of control. You may not control the guest list at your son's wedding, but you can and shall control your own behavior at that sacred time.
So I ask you.... what does God want from you now? What is the road to redemption here, the "high road?"
And i am not asking or suggesting in any way, shape or form that you minimize or discount or ignore the huge, unbearable, unspeakable wrong to you. I am asking you to find God in that hurt.
You know those horrible, plastic buck and rotten nappy teeth they sell at costume stores for Halloween?
At the wedding, simply leave a set in the ladies room on the counter. If they mysteriously dissapear in an hour or so (who knew?) I'd set out another pair.
I don't want to have regrets, but I am sitting here with a TEN YEAR LONG RESENTMENT because I allowed myself to be disrespected 10 years ago. So I am more fearful actually of compounding that resentment. I think if I stand up for myself this time and eject her from the invitation list, I will feel much better about all this.
I think you have it figured out here. I hope that you are able to do this and it will help you with this resentment. If she isn't ejected from the list, you'll know that you DID everything that you could and DID stand up for yourself....no regrets..
But see, here is my worry...
Let's not forget that your son was a victim in this horrible mess too...He was, I believe, around 16 years old back then - he lost his big brother, his dad committed adultery and his parents divorced as a result of that...My heart breaks for the child he was back then...
And yes, Mel, you are right, adultery is the gift that keeps on giving, but not just to the BS - when the adulterer leaves the marriage and remains wayward the result for the children is moral confusion - the lines between right and wrong are blurred and that is why we see adultery run in families so often - the destruction adultery causes is typically seen for generations.
I fear that if you take it upon yourself to try and alter the guest list, you will end up with even more loss, and I don't want to see that happen. I think, YES, you do let your son and DIL-to-be know about your disappointment and hurt at their choice to include OW on the guest list, but ultimately you must leave their choices to them. It is their special day. This has to be a very difficult situation for your son - He wants both of his parents there - He would prefer not to upset either of you - I can't help but have a soft spot in my heart for what he must be feeling...
I want you to be able to continue to have a loving relationship with your son, and to have a great relationship with your new DIL AND any future grandchildren...I worry that if you flex muscle here, it may cost YOU, and that's the last thing I want to see happen...
I do not at all want it to seem like I am discounting your hurt and pain. I know it will be hard, but I have every confidence that you can draw on your faith and repeat to yourself over and over the Bible verse that SMB posted to you...
"I Can Do All Things Through Christ Who Strengthens Me"
Mrs W is on the money with her advice, I think. And I think you would even give similar advice if you were to advise someone else in a similar situation.
I can quote Scripture if you'd like....Things like Matt 6:14 & 15 or from Matt 18 and Luke 6. I could point you to Colossians 3:1-4 or 2 Corinthians 2:5-11...
Or maybe Joshua 1...
Verse 5- No one will be able to stand up against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you. or Verse 9- Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.
Or Micah 7:7
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But as for me, I watch in hope for the LORD, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me.
Everything might be bigger in Texas, but God is bigger still...
Let Him live in you and through you. Who can even stand before Him?
I would sit down with your son and DIL and share from the heart why being in the presence of OW causes you so much hurt. Explain in detail how her actions at his brother's funeral were way past cruel. Explain what triggers are and the lengths you have gone to avoid them to keep yourself emotionally healthy. Be open and honest about how much suffering it will cause you to attend this wedding if she is invited.
I would then tell them that out of love and respect for you, you are asking that they not invite her.
Then I would tell your son that you love him and will be at his wedding not matter what he decides because you refuse to allow OW to steal one more precious moment of your life. Remind them of the emotional pain it will cause you to be there if she is there, but that you are unwilling to miss their special day for any reason.
If you cannot keep your cool in a conversation about this, then write it in a letter (letters) to give to them.
But under no circumstances should you give up your seat of honor as the mother of the groom! If you are not there where you belong, OW will most certainly fill the empty seat. I could never live with that!!
You must protect your relationship with your son, Mel. It's moments like these that can break a family apart. This is the first of many special days in your son's (and future grandchildren's) lives. Are you willing to miss them all because OW might attend as well? Births and birthdays? Holidays? Concerts, plays, or sports the grandchildren are involved in?
I assure you that if you give up your rightful place, OW will happily take it and thank you for it.
Your son NEEDS you in his life. Your future grandchildren NEED you, too. Do you realize the power and influence you give to OW over your son and grandchildren if you relinquish your place in their lives??
Attending this wedding is not disrespecting yourself. It is claiming what belongs to you.
You respect yourself by openly and honestly communicating to your son and DIL how much suffering you have endured at the hands of OW and the pain it will cause you if she attends. You respect yourself by not playing the sick game of one big, happy family, and instead consider OW non-existent if she is there. You respect yourself by taking your seat of honor and holding your head high because YOU are the woman that BELONGS there.
Missing the wedding will not save you suffering. I believe it will invite more long-term pain into your life.
You MUST be at your son's wedding no matter the circumstances. God will provide the supernatural strength and grace to make it through the day. Give Him the opportunity to do that for you. He will not let you down.
t&l, I agree that is a good solution and I intend on contacting the brides mother. She has been through this and I know she understands the devastation. The OW in her marriage wouldn't DARE show her mug at this wedding. The difference here is that the OW in my marriage is LOUD AND PROUD. She is FLAGRANT about what she did to me.
Greenmile and Chrysalis, thank you for your kind posts. Chrysalis, you are right and my question should be what does God want from me. That is what I am working on. Does he want me to suck it up and yoke myself with evil AGAIN and set myself up for another 10 years of resentment?
MrsW, I understand what you are saying, however, if my son invites the OW to the wedding knowing how I feel about this then his disrespect to me is almost as bad as the OW's. Yes, he is a victim too, but he won't be a victim if he allows the OW to disrespect me again. He KNOWS now what happened and how I feel. If someone disrespected my son in such a way, I wouldn't be inviting her to a wedding, I would be saying sayanora baby, don't darken my doorstep.
I am sorry to say that if my son does not man up and prevent his mother from being disrespected that it will effect our relationship.
Mark, thank you for those scriptures. One thing I have learned over the years is that is better to remove myself from evil than to throw myself in its path and make myself available to be exploited. And I have been a favored target for exploitation my WHOLE LIFE. The older I get, the more skilled I am at making myself unavailable to be harmed.
To my current thinking, going to the wedding - if she is there - puts me in harms way and sets me up for years of resentment. Its easy to say "just ignore it" but it sure hasn't worked for me yet where it concerns the OW.
All of the feelings from my son's funeral and the subsequent awakening months later when the shock wore off and I realized what she had done to me have come back from just discussing this. If my son would put me through me that, then I wonder what kind of man he is.
And if your son and DIL still decide to invite OW, I would then talk with DIL's mother in detail about what OW did at your son's funeral and how much pain you are in at the thought of her attending the wedding. I would tell her that you are unsure how you will react at seeing OW and are afraid you may lose your temper, especially if OW attempts to speak to you.
Ask her for your help by not seating OW near you or having her in pictures with you. Tell her that your desire is to make sure this day is wonderful for your son and DIL, and staying as far away from OW would be in everyone's best interest.
It sounds like she may have some compassion for you and understand your triggers in a way that others just can't.
Who knows, maybe she'll decide OW shouldn't be there once she hears what an evil person she is.
I think your best approach with everyone is to say:
1. This is what I've been through. 2. This is how I feel. 3. Can you help me get through this day?
Period. No game playing or manipulating. Just openness and honesty.
But in the end, your hiney better be in the seat it belongs!
Be sure that OW knows from your family what awaits her in the whispers at that wedding. She needs to know that her actions this time will not be so shocking as to stun people to silence. But that this time, behind every whisper there will be the remembrance of her wh*rish behavior at another event. Make sure that she knows shame this time, with all of the joy and the laughter at this upcoming event, there will be none for her if she has the same shameful heart as to attend and insert herself into the remaining family celebrations this family has left since she lit a bomb into the family and destroyed it.
The Grace of a Texan is to tell them to go to h*ll and have them looking forward to the trip, as where they are is worse.
To my current thinking, going to the wedding - if she is there - puts me in harms way and sets me up for years of resentment.
Mel, not going puts you in harms way and sets you up for years of resentment, too, because you missed one of the most special days in YOUR life.
But it also EMPOWERS OW to have more influence in the lives of your son and grandchildren because you are not there. If you leave that seat vacant, she WILL fill it.
And what will she fill it with???
EVIL!!!
You must be the light in your son and grandchildren's lives, my friend!!! And you do that by BEING in their lives.
I am very serious now. Take this spiritual battle up. Fight for them, because if you don't...there will be NO light in their lives! Please listen to me on this.
Do not leave this foothold open to Satan. He is WAITING for it.
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Its easy to say "just ignore it" but it sure hasn't worked for me yet where it concerns the OW.
Maybe IRL people will say just ignore it. But no one on this board is saying that. We all KNOW you cannot just ignore this.
We are saying feel the trigger and do it anyway because the cost is too great if you don't!
Geez, Mel, I don't want you to feel this hurt! I don't want you to have to endure being near OW! But the alternative is WORSE.
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All of the feelings from my son's funeral and the subsequent awakening months later when the shock wore off and I realized what she had done to me have come back from just discussing this.
I am so sorry.
{{{{{Melody}}}}}
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If my son would put me through me that, then I wonder what kind of man he is.
He is a man excited about his bride and his future. He is a man who loves his mom and is trying to figure out how to do this right.
He is a man who has been forced to create a new normal because OW is still in his life.
He is a work in progress, Mel. He may not get this right. He may look back years from now and apologize for putting you in this position.
But none of that changes how important it is for YOU to REMAIN a fixture in his life. Steady...steadfast....and strong.
Chrysalis, you are right and my question should be what does God want from me. That is what I am working on. Does he want me to suck it up and yoke myself with evil AGAIN and set myself up for another 10 years of resentment?
I don't have time for a proper post right now, but I wanted to address this quickly...
No, God does NOT want you to set yourself up for resentment - instead He wants you to lean on HIM and trust that He meant EVERYTHING that He said and HE will be your avenger - Having faith in THAT will allow you to let go of your resentment...God has your back, Mel...
You and I can talk later if you'd like - Right now, we are out the door to meet our real estate agent...
I don't want to have regrets, but I am sitting here with a TEN YEAR LONG RESENTMENT because I allowed myself to be disrespected 10 years ago.
Okay Mel,
I have to tell ya, when I first read this last night, my heart went out to you. It really, really did.
First off you didn't ALLOW anything back then. You KNOW this to be true. You were in a state of shock, traumatized, and just plain spent. I say this NOT really knowing YOU, but knowing how I and every other woman in the world would react to losing their child. I can't imagine. So, don't say you ALLOWED her to anything. SHE took advantage of the situation. She WILL get hers one day.....
The way you tell this Mel....its like the rape victim who has just been beaten and raped and left for dead in the back ally and the victim get upset at himself for not doing more when their attacker came back and raped them AGAIN......
I am so very very sorry....but you didn't allow her crap....you were not in a state of mind for that....I know you to be a pretty outspoken and strong woman (at least on here.... ), but even the STRONGEST woman has moments of searing, crippling pain....
{{{{{Mel}}}}}
Not
ps...that statement is some pretty stinkin' thinkin' Mel....
Tell you what...send me an invitation to the wedding. I'll come and make sure that someone introduces me to her as a member of your son's family. I would give her a big hug...and then try not to snicker as she walks around with a wide piece of masking tape, emblazoned with a huge red "A", stuck to the back of her dress!
Well, I had my response all typed up and hit the danged backspace key. POOF! It's all gone.
I'm starting over.
psst - if this happens again, try hitting Ctrl + Z (as in, hold down Ctrl and while you're holding it down, press Z. Then let go of both.) This is the Windows Undo and should reverse whatever boo-boo you just made.
Melody - I am also Irish all the way through - both sides of my family trace back to Ireland as far back as the 1850s - and I grew up in Texas myself.
I have a lot of understanding for how you must feel. "Resentment" just trivializes it, IMHO. What this woman did at your child's funeral was pure psychopathic evil. Now she's coming back to enjoy a second round, and what are you hearing from so many?
"Oh, now, dear, just take the high road. Show grace and dignity. Just ignore her and have a nice day."
In my experience, "take the high road" is just a frightened desperate plea that really means, "Good god, don't embarass us! Don't make a scene! Don't make us face up to what really happened here! Just let the rest of us go on hiding our heads in the sand and pretening nothing is wrong. Don't force us to take a stand against a vile excuse for a human being. That would be uncomfortable for US, so just keep quiet and don't make a fuss! We're okay if YOU suffer, but whatever you do don't cause any embarrassing discomfort for US!"
I say, Screw That.
Every fiber of your being is screaming out that Evil is Coming and your every instinct is to cut it off before it can reach you and your family.
To me, that's normal. If a venomous snake was slithering up to you, would you just stand there and say, "Oh, no, I won't do anything to defend myself or make the snake go away. I'll just sit here and be mature. The snake will be SO impressed at my dignity that it won't bother me, and my friends will be SO relieved that I didn't make a fuss."
If this were me, I would do everything in my power to keep this nasty stinking woman away from me and my family. Wouldn't matter if it was a wedding or a trip to the city dump. She has proven that she has no place around any decent human beings.
How to keep her away?
Obviously, your XWH is a lost cause when it comes to this.
Explaining the situation to every last man, woman and child who is invited to the wedding might help to put the pressure on.
But I am most concerned about your son, the groom. It may well be that he's just trying to keep the peace between both his bio-parents - and who knows what his father is saying to him about this - but if he cannot understand why he has every right *and every responsibility* to tell Daddy Dearest that he (daddy) can come to the wedding but his hideous snake cannot - well, then, I truly would be worried about him.
With her unbridled cruelty and disgusting intrusion (again, too mild a word) at your child's funeral, this "woman" has forfeited any right she ever had to be seen or heard at any family gathering. I would be very concerned for *anyone* who can't understand that.
Torturing you AGAIN so that everyone else can feel comfortable is NOT a solution.
The only solution here is to keep her OUT - pretty much By Any Means Necessary. And just disinviting her won't be enough. Even if she is specifically told she is not welcome, you can bet your last pair of boots that she would brazenly walk in anyway.
Again, I am so sorry this is happening to you. And for what it's worth, I think this woman should absolutely be kept OUT of the wedding and I find it incredible that any other solution would even be considered by ANYONE involved in this.
While, I pretty much feel the same way, the truth is that, when it comes right down to it, Mel has no real control over whether the skank comes to the wedding or not. She can make her feelings known to her son, future DiL and her parents, but that's about all she can do. Too much of a fuss, and she might damage her relationship with her son.
If they uninvite the OW, that is all to the good, as far as I'm concerned. However, because Mel's son wants his dad at the wedding, and it's likely that his dad won't come if she is uninvited. I'm sure that Mel's son will feel like he's between a rock and a hard place.
Yes, it would stick in my craw to not be able to say something to the skank at the wedding, but the fact is: This is her son and FDiL's special day, and to do anything that might create any kind of scene at the wedding would only get her enrolled in the "MiLs from H3!! Hall of Fame". I'm quite sure that Mel does NOT want the kids' wedding day to be tainted by memories of Mel putting the skank in her place.
About all Mel can do, if the skank isn't univited, is to make sure that there is considerable distance between her and the skank at all times. If the skank comes to the wedding, it would be a plus if she is seated on the back row and nobody says more than 2 words to her.
I would hope that the skank can be univited without dragging Mel into it, because who wants the skank to know that she has any power to ruin Mel's day as Mother of the Groom?
Melody - I am also Irish all the way through - both sides of my family trace back to Ireland as far back as the 1850s - and I grew up in Texas myself.
I have a lot of understanding for how you must feel. "Resentment" just trivializes it, IMHO. What this woman did at your child's funeral was pure psychopathic evil. Now she's coming back to enjoy a second round, and what are you hearing from so many?
"Oh, now, dear, just take the high road. Show grace and dignity. Just ignore her and have a nice day."
In my experience, "take the high road" is just a frightened desperate plea that really means, "Good god, don't embarass us! Don't make a scene! Don't make us face up to what really happened here! Just let the rest of us go on hiding our heads in the sand and pretening nothing is wrong. Don't force us to take a stand against a vile excuse for a human being. That would be uncomfortable for US, so just keep quiet and don't make a fuss! We're okay if YOU suffer, but whatever you do don't cause any embarrassing discomfort for US!"
I say, Screw That.
You understand me completely, MULAN. I could not have said it better. You do know I am Irish too, right? You hit the nail on the head.
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To me, that's normal. If a venomous snake was slithering up to you, would you just stand there and say, "Oh, no, I won't do anything to defend myself or make the snake go away. I'll just sit here and be mature. The snake will be SO impressed at my dignity that it won't bother me, and my friends will be SO relieved that I didn't make a fuss."
Yes, this is what I get from some. Be "mature" and "show growth" and "rise above it." I guess I don't know what that means. It doesnt seem to be rising above anything to allow myself to be disrespected. Why isn't HER behavior in question here? She is the one who did something wrong, so I prefer that SHE "rise above it" and "show growth" and whatever and excuse herself from this wedding.
I want people to ask HER to "rise above it" and "show growth" by staying away. She is the one who did something wrong, not me.
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But I am most concerned about your son, the groom. It may well be that he's just trying to keep the peace between both his bio-parents - and who knows what his father is saying to him about this - but if he cannot understand why he has every right *and every responsibility* to tell Daddy Dearest that he (daddy) can come to the wedding but his hideous snake cannot - well, then, I truly would be worried about him.
This is exactly what my BIL from Oklahoma said. He said my son needs to man up and disinvite her. He said he is disappointed in my son and is going to tell him this.
I sent my son and his fiance an email this morning to this effect. Here is part of what I said to him:
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This is not bitterness over a divorce, this is about disrespect of me and my sons by a very brazen person who has no shame. She disrespected me 10 years ago and I won't be disrespected again. As my son, I need you to man up here and take a stand for me. I would protect you if someone was disrespecting you and I expect the same from you as my son. I am disappointed that I even have to ask you to do it, C. I can understand the motivation of your dad and OW to sweep this under the rug and pretend that wrong is right, but I frankly expect much better from you.
Mulan, thank you so much for putting it so well. I simply do not have it in me to be disrespected again.
A college friend of mine had to deal with a similar situation as your son when she got married. Her dad had married the OW he left his wife of 28 years for...and then wanted to bring the OW to his DD's wedding. (My friend had addressed the invite ONLY to her dad).
When he tried the "if you love me you let me bring her" on my friend, she had this reply:
"If you truly loved me, you wouldn't ask me to have the person who made you break the vows you made to my mom on the day I am going to be making those same vows to my H to be. If you can't understand that, I'll have my brother walk me down the aisle."
He came to the wedding alone.
I don't know if this helps, but it does give your DS something to say possibly if he does choose to tell his dad he doesn't want the OW at the wedding.
BTW-my friend and her hubby will be celebrating 27 years of M in December.
It doesnt seem to be rising above anything to allow myself to be disrespected. Why isn't HER behavior in question here? She is the one who did something wrong, so I prefer that SHE "rise above it" and "show growth" and whatever and excuse herself from this wedding.
I want people to ask HER to "rise above it" and "show growth" by staying away. She is the one who did something wrong, not me.
My sentiments exactly! Maybe some of these friends/family members need to be asked this question directly. Might start some wheels turning.
I think the e-mail you wrote to your son was exactly right. Maybe it will start him and his bride to re-thinking this.
Whatever happens, I hope the day turns out well for you. Just try to hang in. Sometimes strength can be something of a curse, because folks expect you to put up with anything because you're strong - but that's not okay and sometimes you just gotta tell them that.
Well, Mel, you know where some of my DH's relatives come from, so let me know if you need some cement shoes or a burly guy in a black suit armed with piano wire.
You talkin' ta me?
Don't worry mods, I would never seriously advocate violence....in a documentable way like this
When he tried the "if you love me you let me bring her" on my friend, she had this reply:
"If you truly loved me, you wouldn't ask me to have the person who made you break the vows you made to my mom on the day I am going to be making those same vows to my H to be. If you can't understand that, I'll have my brother walk me down the aisle."
I really like that. Hopefully my son will wake up and defend me in that way. Bravo to your friend.
Thanks, Mulan.
Originally Posted by Luroosi
Well, Mel, you know where some of my DH's relatives come from, so let me know if you need some cement shoes or a burly guy in a black suit armed with piano wire.
Hmmm...maybe if the Skank DOES show up, someone could offer her some coffee just before the wedding...and oops! there it goes...all over her dress that she got at Walmart!
All of the feelings from my son's funeral and the subsequent awakening months later when the shock wore off and I realized what she had done to me have come back from just discussing this. If my son would put me through me that, then I wonder what kind of man he is.
I can't even imagine such pain compounded by so much disrespect. I'm sorry for your loss ML.
But as someone who dealt with a lot of misery dished out by a parent, maybe your son isn't able to see your pain because of what happened when he was so young.
See, your son lost his brother to death. That is such a horrible, tragic, terrible loss. Almost impossible for a young person to process if you ask me.
maybe, just maybe, it is to difficult for your son to acknowledge/accept the disrespect OW unleashed by her presence at his brother's funeral....
because....
to do so would mean that your son ultimately has to condemn his own father and acknowledge/accept that not only did his father disrespect his mom, but he disrespected his own dead son, plus any other living children and the entire family with OW's presence.
His father not only failed to protect him during such a painful time and his father selfishly added to the misery by having OW there at the funeral.
That's a lot for an adult child to have to actualize.... that a parent is a narcissistic piece of crap that doesn't really care about his/her own child and places him/herself selfishly above all others.
Maybe your son isn't ready or capable to acknowledge that yet.
I'm sure you now want to rip xWH and OW apart even more for the pain they unleashed on you all. But really Mel, your son is still in some type of denial. And because it's his dad, he might not ever consciously see it. But trust me, the pain is there. And it sure is a helluva a lot easier to say mom is just bitter and keep pretending his offending father loves him, than to acknowledge that his offending father who unleashed so much hurt doesn't really love/care about him.
Your son knows deep down, which parent truly loves him (and who also truly loved his brother). You're that parent, ML. Be there for your son.
"When he tried the "if you love me you let me bring her" on my friend, she had this reply:
"If you truly loved me, you wouldn't ask me to have the person who made you break the vows you made to my mom on the day I am going to be making those same vows to my H to be. If you can't understand that, I'll have my brother walk me down the aisle."
He came to the wedding alone."
Have you had THIS talk with your son? I would not want OW either. Can't put my self in your shoes but don't know if I could stay calm in OP's pesence.
I would not want OW either. Can't put my self in your shoes but don't know if I could stay calm in OP's pesence.
This is true. I would not remain calm and that is really not fair to my son and his fiance on their wedding day.
I sent my son an email explaining why I couldn't be there if the OW went. I went over what she did to me and our family back then and how inappropriate it was to invite her.
He wrote me back and said:
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"First off I want to let you know how much this has upset us. This is our wedding, it is a special day for us that will only happen once in our lifetime. Thank You and DH for volunteering your time and money to make this day happen.
but this day is about GF and I, not you. I understand that what happen ten years ago hurt you but this issue is not my responsibly. I do not appreciate being put in the middle of this when it has noting to do with me, other than my relation to you and Dad. I dont understand why what Dad and OW did to you ten years ago falls onto my shoulders now. I am asking you to please support GF and I in our wedding and put aside your issues with OW. you are both invited as is GF's stepmother, your presence at our wedding is necessary to us and we need you to be a part of it. Please do not punish GF and I for what Dad did 11 years ago. "
I responded with:
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SON, I respect that this is your wedding and it is up to you to do what you feel best.
DH and I won't be attending. My family has expressed they won't be attending if OW is included.
I wish you both the best.
with love, Mom
Son then called my sister and asked if she would be coming if OW comes. She told him that they will not be coming if "you disrespect my sister in this way." She said we watched it at your brother's funeral and we won't watch it again. She said, so you have a tough decision to make.
My son also told her that I had "left him homeless and moved to Texas 10 years ago and the OW took him in and gave him a home for 4 years." He felt he owed the savior OW a debt of gratitude.
That is a completely false story. Here is the truth in this email I sent him:
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Son, M [my sister] just called me and said I had "moved to Texas and left you homeless" when you were 18 and that OW took you in and gave you a home for 4 years. She said you feel you owe OW a debt of gratitude for taking you in. That is quite the revisionist history and I am certain she misunderstood.
You moved out - against my wishes - in November 1999 when you were 17 and I moved to Texas in June of 2000 when you were 18.
The truth is that you demanded to go live with your father in November 1999 [you were age 17, 4.5 months before your 18th birthday] after I took your car away and nailed your bedroom window shut. You had snuck out in the middle of the night to go drinking and were arrested. You called your dad to get you out of jail.
I grounded you, took your car keys away and nailed your bedroom window shut just as any caring parent would do. Your dad called me the next day after I took your truck away and informed me that you would be living with him since I was so "mean" to you. "can't you two get along??" Is what he said to me. Anytime I tried to discipline you boys he would undermine me for not "getting along." "why can't you be friends??"
My first instinct was to fight him in court to keep you but I was told that all you had to do was get emancipated as an adult and it was only 4 months until you were 18 anyway. I had no way of keeping you home legally.
So, you were not left "homeless;" rather you demanded to live with your dad so you would not be subject to any rules. Your brother had been killed the month before because WH allowed him to run around all night and I was not going to let the same thing happen to you if I could help it.
I was devastated to the brink of a nervous breakdown when you moved out, because I had lost my whole family inside of one year. Bryan was killed the month before and your dad had abandoned us 6 months before. Now you moved out and I was all alone. I had lost my whole family.
There was nothing 'loving" about taking you into open and flagrant adultery when you were a child and teaching you that wrong is right in order to escape the rules. You were taught that adultery is an acceptable solution to marriage problems. You have bought into your dad and OW's whitewashing of their wrongdoing.
Adultery is whitewashed as "your mother is better off now!" OW, the home wrecker, is being hailed as the savior for taking you in after your mother "ran off to Texas" and left you when the truth is that your dad sold you out by helping you escape the one parent who cared enough to try to protect you from harm. Down is up and wrong is right.
son, that is just nuts. You are a man now, and can see through that whitewashing of the truth.
Praising OW for "taking you in' is sick and ironic because she was directly involved in the breakup of your family. That is like thanking the arsonist for putting out the fire.
So, there is some serious denial and rewriting of history going on here that reflects the wayward, dishonest, self justifying minds of your father and OW. The truth has been whitewashed in order to justify their wrongdoing while I have been painted as the demon. This is why you have always said to me "I don't see it that way." You don't see it in a realistic light because you listened to the lies of 2 self serving liars who rationalized their wrongdoing.
son, you don't do your dad or me or GF any favors by enabling their whitewash of the truth. I understand you bought this spin when you were a kid, but you are a man now. And you have the maturity and the intelligence to understand the truth and decipher the lies and spin you were fed by 2 brazen liars and cheaters.
M said you didn't know what to say to your dad. If you do decide to say anything, here is what another young lady said to her cheater father before her wedding about bringing his mistress to her wedding:
"If you truly loved me, you wouldn't ask me to have the person who made you break the vows you made to my mom on the day I am going to be making those same vows to my H to be. If you can't understand that, I'll have my brother walk me down the aisle."
If your dad cared about you, he wouldn't be bringing the person who helped destroy your family and your parent's marriage to the celebration of your marriage.
And son, you are right that it is not your problem when someone mistreats me or disrespects me. You are not obligated to do anything for me ever. EVER. You are my son and not my protector. You owe me nothing.
"When he tried the "if you love me you let me bring her" on my friend, she had this reply:
"If you truly loved me, you wouldn't ask me to have the person who made you break the vows you made to my mom on the day I am going to be making those same vows to my H to be. If you can't understand that, I'll have my brother walk me down the aisle."
He came to the wedding alone."
Have you had THIS talk with your son? I would not want OW either. Can't put my self in your shoes but don't know if I could stay calm in OP's pesence.
Yes, I did send that quote in an email to my son. Hat tip to Johnstwin for that excellent suggestion.
I'm sorry Mel. (This is both my sadness for your situation and my pre-apology)
I think you're resentment has led you down a dangerous path!
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P. 64 of The Big Book Resentment is the "number one" offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From it stem all forms of spiritual disease, for we have been not only mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritually sick. When the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically.
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P. 65-66 of The Big Book: We went back through our lives. Nothing counted but thoroughness and honesty. When we were finished, we considered it carefully. The first thing apparent was that this world and its people were often quite wrong. To conclude that others were wrong was as far as most of us ever got. The usual outcome was that people continued to wrong us and we stayed sore. Sometimes it was remorse and then we were sore at ourselves. But the more we fought and tried to have our own way, the worse matters got. As in war, the victor only seemed to win. Our moments of triumph were short-lived.
It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worthwhile. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die.
If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for the alcoholics these things are poison.
Mel, I know you've helped a lot of other alcoholics work through this process of eliminating the resentments. It's apparent to me, that you are currently struggling with this in a huge way. You can cling to your resentment or you can work through the process of not allowing this resentment to have control of you any longer. You already know this process IS possible. And although you have all the reasons in the world that you can justify hanging on to these resentments, you and I both know, in the end, how truly detrimental and damaging that would be to you.
I don't think this has anything to do with "resentment" or with recovery from alcoholism.
I think this is a very simple case of running into something that is just too painful to endure, and so the only thing a person can do is protect themselves from it.
Everybody has their limit and Melody has found hers. I have never been a drinker and I can understand this perfectly. I'd react the same way.
If DS and his bride allow OW to be present while Mom stays home, then they just proved that Melody did the right thing.
hang in there. it ain't over 'til it's over. DS may come around yet.
I can't imagine that you could go to the wedding and "put on a good face" while the OW is honored and paraded as family. I think that it is the grown up thing to do to accept that it is not possible to be nice under those circumstances. You are acknowledging your own boundaries. And that is ok. It makes me sad that your son is choosing OW over his own mother out of a need to do "what he wants". I think that your son will be very angry that you are not willing to "suck it up" and be "nice" for him. It is not a fair request. I am sorry.
I don't think this has anything to do with "resentment" or with recovery from alcoholism.
I think this is a very simple case of running into something that is just too painful to endure, and so the only thing a person can do is protect themselves from it.
Everybody has their limit and Melody has found hers. I have never been a drinker and I can understand this perfectly. I'd react the same way.
If DS and his bride allow OW to be present while Mom stays home, then they just proved that Melody did the right thing.
Mulan, I didn't mention anything about the wedding!
As an alcoholic, her first and #1 boundary is to eliminate resentments. Even Mel acknowledges her resentments are affecting her.
[As an alcoholic, her first and #1 boundary is to eliminate resentments. Even Mel acknowledges her resentments are affecting her.
This is about the worst resentment I have had in my life, tst. It scares me to death. I am shocked at the depth of my emotions, so you are exactly right. I learned to handle resentments in my first year and here I am bowled over by this bad boy.
I think the reason why is because now I do not have the luxury of SHOCK. Now, I CLEARLY see the OW's smirking face over my H's shoulder standing in front of my son's coffin. I see that clearly.
I will tell you who I am really the most angry at. ME
I have always been able to count on myself to defend myself in times of trouble and I was not able to do it then. I can't even explain it, except to say that when the shock slowly wore off, I was quite amazed that I tolerated that cruelty.
I really do want to get over this resentment and I know I won't do that by going to the wedding. That will make things worse. It is simply beyond my endurance at this time.
Dr Harley even notes that sometimes the resentment is too great to overcome and in that case, it is best to remove yourself. That is what I have tried to do in this case.
Originally Posted by Dr Harley
In fact, when a couple goes through a recovery after an affair, and then experience another affair, the resentment is often more intense and more persistent after the second recovery. With multiple affairs and recoveries, resentment is almost impossible to overcome. But then, in those cases I usually feel that the emotional reaction of resentment is not irrational at all. Emotions are telling the person that it's not a good idea to continue the relationship, and I would agree.
I realize the situation is different, but the point is that in cases where the resentment is too great it is best to removed oneself from the situation. In this case it would be the wedding.
It makes me sad that your son is choosing OW over his own mother out of a need to do "what he wants". I think that your son will be very angry that you are not willing to "suck it up" and be "nice" for him. It is not a fair request. I am sorry.
Thanks for you kind words, SS. i agree it is not a fair request. I am reminded, though, that his attitude was shaped by 2 liars and cheaters when he lived with them for 4 years. I am ashamed my son has this attitude but he came by it honestly. He is so clear headed when it comes to everything else.
I think this is a very simple case of running into something that is just too painful to endure, and so the only thing a person can do is protect themselves from it.
This is exaclty true. But tst is correct that I need to manage this down. That doesn't mean I should go to the wedding. I am sorry to say that my feelings are well beyond my ability to do that.
I don't have the benefit of shock anymore and I don't trust myself to not wipe that smirk right off her face.
I don't want to have regrets, but I am sitting here with a TEN YEAR LONG RESENTMENT because I allowed myself to be disrespected 10 years ago.
Okay Mel,
I have to tell ya, when I first read this last night, my heart went out to you. It really, really did.
First off you didn't ALLOW anything back then. You KNOW this to be true. You were in a state of shock, traumatized, and just plain spent. I say this NOT really knowing YOU, but knowing how I and every other woman in the world would react to losing their child. I can't imagine. So, don't say you ALLOWED her to anything. SHE took advantage of the situation. She WILL get hers one day.....
The way you tell this Mel....its like the rape victim who has just been beaten and raped and left for dead in the back ally and the victim get upset at himself for not doing more when their attacker came back and raped them AGAIN......
I am so very very sorry....but you didn't allow her crap....you were not in a state of mind for that....I know you to be a pretty outspoken and strong woman (at least on here.... ), but even the STRONGEST woman has moments of searing, crippling pain....
{{{{{Mel}}}}}
Not
ps...that statement is some pretty stinkin' thinkin' Mel....
Thanks not2fun, I know you are right. I still find it frustrating that I couldnt' defend myself. The resentment I have over that is what scares me the most about being in the same room with her again.
I will tell you who I am really the most angry at. ME
I have always been able to count on myself to defend myself in times of trouble and I was not able to do it then. I can't even explain it, except to say that when the shock slowly wore off, I was quite amazed that I tolerated that cruelty.
Boy, can we all relate to that feeling? I know that I can when I look back at the last couple of years.
I am sorry that something that should be a happy celebration is dredging up such a horribly painful time in both your son's and your life. I am sure that it hurts you deeply that you son won't empathize with you. My stepfather was a serial cheater (married to my mom 29 years, 3 OCs and 13 OWs - all hidden). He was very strict with us. Once I realized and accepted that he was a complete hypocrite, I could no longer have a relationship with him. Maybe your son is not ready to face the truth and deal with it. Maybe he won't get "it" until something like that happens to him.
In the meantime, you have two choices. Suck it up and go to the wedding and probably hate every minute or stay home and miss your son's wedding. Neither are ideal or easy. Both suck! Your resentment came honestly. I agree that the resentment is your warning flag that this is not a good situation for you.
Personal boundaries aren't just about keeping a marriage respectful and productive. They are life boundaries. The only way to get over the pain of the adultery that ends in divorce is NC. Your son is trying to force you to break NC with your ex and the OW. This is your boundary to protect. Your son just has to respect your boundaries. He doesn't have to understand them or agree to them.
This is about the worst resentment I have had in my life, tst. It scares me to death. I am shocked at the depth of my emotions, so you are exactly right. I learned to handle resentments in my first year and here I am bowled over by this bad boy.
I think the reason why is because now I do not have the luxury of SHOCK. Now, I CLEARLY see the OW's smirking face over my H's shoulder standing in front of my son's coffin. I see that clearly.
I will tell you who I am really the most angry at. ME
I have always been able to count on myself to defend myself in times of trouble and I was not able to do it then. I can't even explain it, except to say that when the shock slowly wore off, I was quite amazed that I tolerated that cruelty. .
I think one of the first things you might need to do is let yourself off the hook completely for what you tolerated during your sons funeral. Give yourself a free pass on that one, OK!
Mel, you have every right in the world to defend and protect yourself. I believe the difficult part for most people, and even worse for recovering alcoholics, is unlearning our ability to defend and protect our resentments. I hope that in the near future you'll be able to put the pen to paper and wor through this process the same way you've taught so many others to work through it. You and I both know that learning to let go of a resentment is not the same thing as forgiving someone or allowing them access to your life.
I always hate the cliche of "let go and let God". But I think I hate it so much because it's just so obvious...and oh so hard.
I want to make sure that you know how deeply saddened this current event makes me. You and your son are in my prayers.
I am so sorry Mel. What a horrible position. I understand how unbearable it would be seeing the OW there but, on the other hand, why should she get to be at your sons wedding and you miss out? Why allow her to rob you of another important memory? Just a thought..........
I think the issue of resentment does nothing more than cloud the waters (and conveniently so for waywards or those indoctrinated in the ways of the wayward mind).
If it were possible to look at the situation in the total absence of the memory of OW imposing herself at the funeral, would you plan to be at your son's wedding where OW was to be present?
The Principle of an adulterous, selfish, unrepentant, self-righteous, liar standing up and giving "blessing" to two people who are making a promise before God which she has not a shred of respect for is something you can either witness quietly or not. But being present is tacitly approving of the situation.
What does the wedding mean to your son? What does marriage mean to your son? I bet they mean different things for you than they do for him.
...Talk about the ultimate test of one's Principles...
Mel - I don't think after today that this is about OW anymore.
This is about your son who still hasn't outgrown that "get back at Mom for setting limits" behavior of his teenage years.
I think there is probably more heartbreak for you about how your son is acting about this, than it is about OW.
OW is a cheap piece of furniture by this point, but your son is a part of you that she's contaminated and that contamination hurts you beyond belief. That he'd prize that piece of furniture at his wedding more than having you there speaks volume to the work he has to do to be ready for a marriage vow.
I think until that contamination is cleaned up he's not good marriage material.
You and his future MIL have a lot of work to do in order to purge this future marriage of all that is bad in this young couple's world.
Mel, we differ in our opinions but my heart goes out to you.
Sometimes we cannot "turn the other cheek" because it will destroy us.
I love my girls with all of my heart and soul but I have told both of them that in future celebrations including their own weddings that if XH planned on bringing PP I will not attend.
My boundary is never to have her at a family event unless it is her funeral or if she is being served with an apple in her mouth for a BBQ.
This is not about hurting your son but saving his day because if you lose it at the wedding then it will be turned back on you against all of your own values trying to please him
I think Mulan had it right when she said strength sometimes can be something of a curse, b/c folks expect you to put up w/ anything because you're strong.
He's not asking his father to suck it up and keep his ho away. He's asking the strongest person to suffer.
I'm so very very sorry. Many prayers are going out for you.
What does the wedding mean to your son? What does marriage mean to your son? I bet they mean different things for you than they do for him. .
I agree with this assessment. My concern for him is that he has bought into the spin that adultery is a solution to a bad marriage. That should scare the heck out of his GF, but I don't think she sees it.
Quote
I think there is probably more heartbreak for you about how your son is acting about this, than it is about OW.
OW is a cheap piece of furniture by this point, but your son is a part of you that she's contaminated and that contamination hurts you beyond belief. That he'd prize that piece of furniture at his wedding more than having you there speaks volume to the work he has to do to be ready for a marriage vow.
I think until that contamination is cleaned up he's not good marriage material.
I was shocked when my sister told me what he said. That is something I have never heard from him. Part of the problem, IMO, is that he has not rethought his teenage mindset and still carries it to a great degree. I am sure the infidels played up how "mean" I was when he was a teenager and I took his car keys away and nailed his window shut. He still has that childish outlook!
Originally Posted by hope
My boundary is never to have her at a family event unless it is her funeral or if she is being served with an apple in her mouth for a BBQ.
Originally Posted by hope
This is not about hurting your son but saving his day because if you lose it at the wedding then it will be turned back on you against all of your own values trying to please him
I would almost rather cut my wrists than hurt my son. There is almost anything I would do for him. But being a party to the charade of honoring the OW as a honored guest is beyond my ability.
Thanks Marshmallow. Doc, I am going to have a great day because I am on vacation with my cute husband this week and we are going to the zoo! Thanks for asking.
Melody, just a thought ... don't forget that you have an account in your son's Love Bank. I know you fear for his future, and I know you worry about how his past affects him and his values, and I know you want to have influence over him. To do that, you are going to have to keep that balance high, and to do that, you're going to be stuck having to refrain from a potential Disrespectful Judgment.
Everything might be bigger in Texas, but God is bigger still...
I was once a very small boy in Texas with a wayward mother intentionally exposing me to the influence of a despicable man, with literally nobody present to cling to but God.
I think Mulan had it right when she said strength sometimes can be something of a curse, b/c folks expect you to put up w/ anything because you're strong.
He's not asking his father to suck it up and keep his ho away. He's asking the strongest person to suffer.
I'm so very very sorry. Many prayers are going out for you.
Melody, just a thought ... don't forget that you have an account in your son's Love Bank. I know you fear for his future, and I know you worry about how his past affects him and his values, and I know you want to have influence over him. To do that, you are going to have to keep that balance high, and to do that, you're going to be stuck having to refrain from a potential Disrespectful Judgment.
You know what I think? I think he is shocked that anyone would take a stand against his dad's affair because he is so accustomed to everything being swept under the rug. My family is not sweeping this under the rug. I hope it gets through to him.
He has not contacted me yet since my last email and my heart is breaking.
You know what I think? I think he is shocked that anyone would take a stand against his dad's affair because he is so accustomed to everything being swept under the rug. My family is not sweeping this under the rug. I hope it gets through to him.
There are long-lasting consequences for infidelity. I hope he can see it too. His father was a cheater. His future FIL was a cheater. It would not be good for him to think that cheating is EVER justified. His behavior scares me for his fiancee. I am hoping that he is just being a rebellious child where you are concerned. I wonder where he gets his stubborn streak from?
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
He has not contacted me yet since my last email and my heart is breaking.
I would almost rather cut my wrists than hurt my son. There is almost anything I would do for him. But being a party to the charade of honoring the OW as a honored guest is beyond my ability.
Then Mel, you know what you need to do. Respect HIS day. I'll bet he is so worried about how to handle this. Be THAT Mom. Not THAT MOM.
You know this is all about perspective. Its your Son's wedding so its his perspective. How can you expect him to tell the OW that she is not invited? He has never had an issue with her before. If he does they will know it came on your orders.
You know Mel 11yrs is a long time maybe you should just suck it up and stop putting your Son in this horrible position.
My wife had this problem when we were married (her dad had an A 22yrs ago) but her mum sucked it up for her daughter. (she even had a photo with her mum and dad which meant the world to her)
After 11yrs is your hate for the OW stronger than your love for your Son?
MelodyLane, you have to do what is right for you and that is IT.
As a mother of 2 boys, my heart is BREAKING thinking about this same sitch. The only family I had at my wedding was my sister and brother. NO ONE else showed up and you know what? I still had a great time. I am MAD at my uncles, who had a peace bond against my father and said they would call the police if he showed, then didn't even show themselves. I didn't even invite my parents. I walked down the aisle by myself. Until 2 years ago, I had a good marriage. It had no effect on me about what happened on that day. It was a day in my life. Just telling you about this to let you know that it IS possible to work past not going to your son's wedding. I don't believe I could go either.
We are all here to prop you up just as you have been to many of us.
I agree with this assessment. My concern for him is that he has bought into the spin that adultery is a solution to a bad marriage. That should scare the heck out of his GF, but I don't think she sees it.
Did you raise a brain-dead dummy who can't observe his surroundings? I'm thinking "No". His GF? She's looking at stationery colors, not divorce proceedings. Her marital life is ahead of her, and newly's don't want to preview their potential marital demise before they've even gotten their engagement gift thank-you's out. And can we blame them?
You're still swinging the big bat, Mel. And still influencing your DS and almost-DIL in a huge way. Don't live in anger and fear. Live large and love them and help them embrace their future! They will love you for it.
My wife had this problem when we were married (her dad had an A 22yrs ago) but her mum sucked it up for her daughter. (she even had a photo with her mum and dad which meant the world to her)
After 11yrs is your hate for the OW stronger than your love for your Son?
This is all about him
No, this is all about disrespecting me and his marriage. It doesn't matter if its 50 years, that doesnt make wrong right and it doesn't make it any less disrespectful. Its not about perspective, but about the truth.
And the truth is that I won't be disrespected like that again. I doubt your wife's "mum" had to tolerate the OW at her child's funeral. And if she did, she has a stronger constitution than me. And I am ok with that. I know MY limits and that is what counts.
Going and supporting the charade of the OW at his wedding is not "support," it is enabling. And I am not going to do it.
Just telling you about this to let you know that it IS possible to work past not going to your son's wedding. I don't believe I could go either.
Sorry, Scotty, here's where we'll have to disagree: There is nothing that would stop me from being at my son's marriage. Nothing,except his non-invite, and that would kill me (like it would Mel's X, I suspect). If I had an X with a harem of dancing girls, it wouldn't matter. My love for DS is on another plane that would have nothing to do with another guest.
[Did you raise a brain-dead dummy who can't observe his surroundings? I'm thinking "No".
What he has observed is an environment where wrong is right and adultery has been whitewashed as a solution to marriage problems. If I go and say nothing then I am only contributing to that whitewash. Some may think that is a virtue, I don't.
[ Sorry, Scotty, here's where we'll have to disagree: There is nothing that would stop me from being at my son's marriage. Nothing,except his non-invite, and that would kill me (like it would Mel's X, I suspect). If I had an X with a harem of dancing girls, it wouldn't matter. My love for DS is on another plane that would have nothing to do with another guest.
Well good for you. I guess I am not as strong and virtuous as you.
Just telling you about this to let you know that it IS possible to work past not going to your son's wedding. I don't believe I could go either.
Sorry, Scotty, here's where we'll have to disagree: There is nothing that would stop me from being at my son's marriage. Nothing,except his non-invite, and that would kill me (like it would Mel's X, I suspect). If I had an X with a harem of dancing girls, it wouldn't matter. My love for DS is on another plane that would have nothing to do with another guest.
Would it not be worse to go, and have a HORRIBLE BLOW-UP and the police get called? Not that that WOULD happen, but it most definitely COULD happen. And where do we draw the line? It is honestly a DAY in someone's life. The MARRIAGE is the important part, NOT the wedding. It is a celebration. I couldn't celebrate with OW.
I LOVE my DSx2 with my LIFE. I would stand in front of a bullet for either one of them without a second thought. Going to a wedding and pretending to be happy, honouring an OW as a member of family, that is something I could NOT do. It's not about "sucking it up" and being a better person and ignoring it, it IS about standing up for what you believe is right. I didn't see ML ask her son not to invite XWH. I only saw her say that SHE would NOT attend if OW was going. If XWH decided not to come, that's HIS choice. ML will be able to live with her choice.
I disagree that you should just ignore this. That you should just tolerate this. Sin is sin - 2, 5, 10 years 100 years - doesn't matter.
The moneychangers are in the temple - you have every right to be upset, angry and to feel disrespected.
When they moneychangers were in the temple, Christ didn't walk by, afraid to stand up to them. He didn't decide to 'let it go'. He didn't try to be tolerant.
There are ways to handle this. I'm not saying cause a scene, I'm not saying make this about you. You can handle this respectfully and gracefully. You've gotten great advice on how to do that. Sucking it up isn't helpful.
If you cannot go, you cannot go. Only you can make that call. I cannot fault you for that.
ETA: For what it's worth - having been a child in this situation, it is VERY difficult, if not impossible. No matter what choice he makes, someone gets hurt. I understand the feeling of wanting the parents to just get over it and get along. However, with the perspective I have now, if my father had to sit out of my wedding I would have been able to forgive him.
My mother wound up not coming to my wedding. Our relationship has always been a bit rocky for other reasons, but I've gotten over her not being at my wedding.
I think its real easy to say what you "would do" when you have never been in that situation. But it doesn't mean much to me personally.
I have to do what is best for *ME* and do what is within *MY* limits of endurance. I can't conduct myself and subject myself to painful behavior just because someone who has NEVER been through it imagines what they would do.
Bravado is nice and all, but means very little coming from someone who has never been through it.
I think its real easy to say what you "would do" when you have never been in that situation. But it doesn't mean much to me personally.
I have to do what is best for *ME* and do what is within *MY* limits of endurance. I can't conduct myself and subject myself to painful behavior just because someone who has NEVER been through it imagines what they would do.
Bravado is nice and all, but means very little coming from someone who has never been through it.
It makes me think about the people who tell me to dump my WH and not look back and say that if their H "cheated" on them, THEY would do the same thing. It's about personal choices and what you can and CAN NOT handle.
The choice to go or not(although, I have a feeling you are leaning towards the NOT at this point) is up to you and I will support you whichever way you choose.
That support MAY come in the form of 2x4's, as you have OFTEN supported others with, but it will be what you NEED.
I doubt your wife's "mum" had to tolerate the OW at her child's funeral.
No she did not. Mel at the end of the day the answer to go or not to go rests with you and what you're comfortable with.
But also beware of how your Son is going to view this.
I don't envy you. Good luck
Unless Mel is the Virgin Mary, her son is not her Son. He is her child. She is his mother. OW is not even married to his father. POSOW has no right to be invited IMHO. Mel did not "put her son in this position". Her cheating ex-husband did that. He did the crime - not Mel. She should not be asked to tolerate the OW for even a minute. My children know this. They know how painful the affair was for me. They protect me from that pain. They have extremely limited contacted with my ex and they will not speak to me about him. They don't ask me to endure pain. It is extremely thoughtless of her son to even consider this.
Thanks Vibrissa, I agree with everything you said. The reason this is an issue TODAY is because everyone pretended that wrong is right. I have no intention of participating in that charade again. I don't think that is "supportive" of my son to do that. Look how doing so has warped his mind?
So, I don't know yet what the answer is. I adore my son and would do anything PRODUCTIVE for him. I have to figure out what that is in this situation.
Well good for you. I guess I am not as strong and virtuous as you.
Stop it, Mel. It has nothing to do with virtuosity, and you know it. It has everything to do with that crazy, maddening love you feel hit you right between the eyes the second that baby is pulled from your belly and thrown, yowling like a cat, onto your stomach, and they say "It's a boy". And you know you would cut off an arm - hell, a LEG AND AN ARM - to keep pain from this precious child. It's the inexplicable paradigm that something would cause you so much pain, and yet bring you so much joy. And your DS did, yes? When did that change? Never.
Your X's betrayal has diminished that bond between you and your DS in no way. The two of YOU own that. Why are you allowing it to diminish that bond now, during a huge time in your DS's life that you can't get backif you choose not to be there? Knowing that there will be no do-over?
Why are you allowing your X's bad choices to color this day, a day like the day your DS was born and your bond with him began?? That bond was predicated on one thing alone - the almost supernatural job of birthing and of being born. It was a moment shared between the two of you alone that no one else will ever have - they can't buy it, and they can't try to be a pseudo-owner, sorry about that OW. Do you not realize that you still have that bond that overshadows any other basic human interaction with your son? Do you not realize that you are his hero? And you wish to bail on him now in the interest of Making Your Statement? You think he doesn't know your statement?
Since OW is so classless as to have shown up at the funeral for Mel's son AND sat herself down in the family section for the service, she will probably be just as classless at the wedding.
She will expect to be escorted up the aisle to sit in the parents' pew...either in front of or right behind Mel, if not on the same pew. She will probably make a big show out of hugging MEL'S son and bride in front of Mel and insist on being in the wedding pictures.
IF she hadn't shown up at the funeral, I personally MIGHT be able to tolerate her coming to the wedding IF she didn't expect to be treated like the mother of the groom...and IF she sat in one of the back pews and stayed out of the pictures and treated Mel with the respect that she has never shown Mel in the past.
I don't see that happening, and I'm kinda like Mel. If I was in such a situation and the skank was to try hugging all over my child in front of me, I'd want to yank her off him by her hair.
Personally, I think that if she isn't good enough for Mel's ex to marry in the past 11 years, she'd best not be trying to come across like she's the mother of the groom.
The only problem I can see with Mel not going to the rehearsal dinner/wedding is that it leaves a clear field for the skank to pretend that she is the mother of the groom. That would be a case for biting the bullet and going. It would be nice if Mel was able to lay down some ground rules, but they would probably be violated first thing. For instance, if Mel was to pay for the rehearsal dinner withOUT her ex helping out, she could keep the skank out. However, that still leaves the wedding.
I support Mel in anything she needs/wants to do. It looks to me as if she's darned if she goes, and darned if she doesn't. Whatever Mel thinks is best for her is what she should do.
What is a wedding for? For two people to commit to live their lives together. They invite their families so they can bear witness to this event, so that the community can pledge their support for the new couple and to celebrate.
Maybe you could do this in your own way. Perhaps a day or two before the wedding, treat your son and his future bride to a special to just the three of you. Where you can give them your gift, give your blessing to the union and celebrate their nuptials in a private event just for the 3 of you (or 4 if you take your hubby, and you should :)). Then maybe, afterwards, get together and go over wedding pics together.
This way you let them know you support them, you love them, and you celebrate their marriage in your own way. But you don't have to endure something unendurable.
You're not going to the wedding isn't a punishment to them, it is you protecting yourself.
Well good for you. I guess I am not as strong and virtuous as you.
Stop it, Mel. It has nothing to do with virtuosity, and you know it. It has everything to do with that crazy, maddening love you feel hit you right between the eyes the second that baby is pulled from your belly and thrown, yowling like a cat, onto your stomach, and they say "It's a boy". And you know you would cut off an arm - hell, a LEG AND AN ARM - to keep pain from this precious child. It's the inexplicable paradigm that something would cause you so much pain, and yet bring you so much joy. And your DS did, yes? When did that change? Never.
Your X's betrayal has diminished that bond between you and your DS in no way. The two of YOU own that. Why are you allowing it to diminish that bond now, during a huge time in your DS's life that you can't get backif you choose not to be there? Knowing that there will be no do-over?
posting again in case you missed it:
I think its real easy to say what you "would do" when you have never been in that situation. But it doesn't mean much to me personally.
I have to do what is best for *ME* and do what is within *MY* limits of endurance. I can't conduct myself and subject myself to painful behavior just because someone who has NEVER been through it imagines what they would do.
Bravado is nice and all, but means very little coming from someone who has never been through it.
This way you let them know you support them, you love them, and you celebrate their marriage in your own way. But you don't have to endure something unendurable.
You're not going to the wedding isn't a punishment to them, it is you protecting yourself.
Just a thought
You have given me alot to think about, Vibrissa. I DO want to be supportive of their union. This might be the way to go if this can't be resolved. We have plenty of time to find a solution and I like where you are going with this. Thanks..
Melody, just a thought ... don't forget that you have an account in your son's Love Bank. I know you fear for his future, and I know you worry about how his past affects him and his values, and I know you want to have influence over him. To do that, you are going to have to keep that balance high, and to do that, you're going to be stuck having to refrain from a potential Disrespectful Judgment.
You know what I think? I think he is shocked that anyone would take a stand against his dad's affair because he is so accustomed to everything being swept under the rug. My family is not sweeping this under the rug. I hope it gets through to him.
He has not contacted me yet since my last email and my heart is breaking.
FWIW, I don't think you should go if you feel unable to.
Just keep in mind that concept of his Love Bank for later, when this door opens back up.
The only problem I can see with Mel not going to the rehearsal dinner/wedding is that it leaves a clear field for the skank to pretend that she is the mother of the groom. That would be a case for biting the bullet and going. It would be nice if Mel was able to lay down some ground rules, but they would probably be violated first thing. For instance, if Mel was to pay for the rehearsal dinner withOUT her ex helping out, she could keep the skank out. However, that still leaves the wedding.
Thanks, LadyClueless. However, the OW is already positioning herself as the mother of the groom so it won't make any difference if I am there or not. I can go and watch it or I can stay home. I would prefer to NOT watch it. i don't think I CAN watch it.
She is his mother. OW is not even married to his father. POSOW has no right to be invited IMHO. Mel did not "put her son in this position". Her cheating ex-husband did that. He did the crime - not Mel. She should not be asked to tolerate the OW for even a minute.
ITA with this....Mel, FWIW.... Sorry that your ex and his adultery continues to cause you such pain....{{{{{{MEL}}}}}}}
I think its real easy to say what you "would do" when you have never been in that situation. But it doesn't mean much to me personally.
I have to do what is best for *ME* and do what is within *MY* limits of endurance. I can't conduct myself and subject myself to painful behavior just because someone who has NEVER been through it imagines what they would do.
Bravado is nice and all, but means very little coming from someone who has never been through it.
Yep. You've got me, there. I've never been through it. I'm the same poster who said that I hope I'd be the brave one to run into a burning building to save someone. I'd like to think I would. I don't know how that would play out until the day I came upon the burning building and heard the screams.
So here we all are, saying what we 'think' we would do. Bravado has nothing to do with it Melody. None of us have 'been through it' and can do anything but speculate.
But you've made your choice clear: you have to do what is best for YOU. And what is within YOUR limits of endurance. You have decided that your DS's wedding is outside of your limits.
Please don't denigrate my comments - they were made to give you another way to look at things. It's a day that your DS will hold in his memory for life. I think he would want you to be in his memory of that day, as the strong woman that you are.
I have no idea if this bears any resemblence to your delima right now. But I invited my biological father to my first wedding. My mother still loathes him to this day. My step father that raised me said he would not attend the wedding if my biological father was at the wedding.
I thought that was selfish of him and he should've put his own feelings aside.
So my biological father came. Was very animated at the wedding. My mother was upset the entire time and did not enjoy the wedding and almost got into a fight. My step father did not attend.
to this day I wish I had not invited my biological father. And that was about 15 years ago.
My mother was upset the entire time and did not enjoy the wedding and almost got into a fight. My step father did not attend.
KT, that is how it will be for me. When she sits up front with the family and poses for family pictures, I know myself too well and it won't be pretty. That won't be fair to my son and his fiance to put up with my wrath. If she going to be honored and treated as a family member I don't need to be there. My son has made his choice as far as I am concerned.
What he has observed is an environment where wrong is right and adultery has been whitewashed as a solution to marriage problems. If I go and say nothing then I am only contributing to that whitewash. Some may think that is a virtue, I don't.
The way I feel right now, I won't be going.
I suspect your feelings have made a bigger impression on him than this statement would indicate.
I hope you rethink your feelings right now and attend LOUD AND PROUD, as the Mother of the Groom. And everyone knows there's only one.
I suspect your feelings have made a bigger impression on him than this statement would indicate.
I hope you rethink your feelings right now and attend LOUD AND PROUD, as the Mother of the Groom. And everyone knows there's only one.
I've been thinking on this thread. I'm like Melody. I wouldn't be able to go if I were in her position. To this day, my mother is still upset I invited my biological father to the wedding. I was selfish to invite him knowing that my stepfather would not come and my mother potentially wouldn't come either. And if either did come, they would be miserable.
It was very selfish of me to invite him. Over a decade later and I wish I hadn't.
I suspect your feelings have made a bigger impression on him than this statement would indicate. I hope you rethink your feelings right now and attend LOUD AND PROUD, as the Mother of the Groom. And everyone knows there's only one.
Going to the wedding would be an endorsement of this charade. Just as sitting silent was when she attended my son's funeral. There wasn't a damn thing "loud and proud" about that. In fact, my endorsement 10 years ago has led to this situation.
MelodyLane, I told you I would call you on it as need be. I suspect that THIS sitch is MORE about you correcting the WRONG you feel you did at your son's funeral. GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK. You were dealing with A LOT at that time and you were just in survival mode. History re-write isn't just for a WS. You did what you had to to get through it at the time. Looking back now, you could see where you COULD have done something differently. You can't change the past. Don't make THIS about THAT. If you don't want to attend the wedding because of OW and what MAY happen there, then so be it. But if you are not going to attend because of what happened at your son's funeral, it won't fix it. You still didn't do anything THAT day(although I am NOT beating you for THAT, you couldn't), and ANYTHING you do today WON'T change that.
Just make sure that if you don't attend it is for THIS event and NOT for the past. Only YOU will know which it is.
Would it not be worse to go, and have a HORRIBLE BLOW-UP and the police get called? Not that that WOULD happen, but it most definitely COULD happen. And where do we draw the line? It is honestly a DAY in someone's life. The MARRIAGE is the important part, NOT the wedding. It is a celebration. I couldn't celebrate with OW.
Whoa - now the cops are being called?? Hey, I agree - if it's a matter of being unable to let the newlyweds have their day without fisticuffs behind the party center, I'd stay away. Other than that - no. I'm there.
Just as sitting silent was when she attended my son's funeral. There wasn't a damn thing "loud and proud" about that. In fact, my endorsement 10 years ago has led to this situation.
And you didn't stay away from the celebration of your son's life, did you. So now you're sorry you attended your son's funeral if it was an endorsement? Do you hear what you're saying?
Just as sitting silent was when she attended my son's funeral. There wasn't a damn thing "loud and proud" about that. In fact, my endorsement 10 years ago has led to this situation.
And you didn't stay away from the celebration of your son's life, did you. So now you're sorry you attended your son's funeral if it was an endorsement? Do you hear what you're saying?
Do you hear how ******* your comment is, MB? How about posting somewhere else. Thanks..
Would it not be worse to go, and have a HORRIBLE BLOW-UP and the police get called? Not that that WOULD happen, but it most definitely COULD happen. And where do we draw the line? It is honestly a DAY in someone's life. The MARRIAGE is the important part, NOT the wedding. It is a celebration. I couldn't celebrate with OW.
Whoa - now the cops are being called?? Hey, I agree - if it's a matter of being unable to let the newlyweds have their day without fisticuffs behind the party center, I'd stay away. Other than that - no. I'm there.
There is a lot of alcohol at a wedding and routinely a lot of alcoholics. A recipe for disaster. Add in a sprinkle of entitled wayturd and his ho-bag and you have a VOLCANO waiting to explode. Happens A LOT. Just as I believe that affairs are possible in ALL. A breaking point where police would need to be called are also ALWAYS possible.
There is a lot of alcohol at a wedding and routinely a lot of alcoholics. A recipe for disaster. Add in a sprinkle of entitled wayturd and his ho-bag and you have a VOLCANO waiting to explode. Happens A LOT. Just as I believe that affairs are possible in ALL. A breaking point where police would need to be called are also ALWAYS possible.
Not to mention the fact that we are IRISH and TEXAN. Not a good mix. Either way, I likely won't be going. My relatives - mother and sisters - are not going to be there if the OW is there. My sister said "we watched him disrespect my sister before and we won't watch it again."
MB, Mel wasn't ABLE to do anything about the OW being at her son's funeral because she was in such deep grief and shock.
What SHOULD have happened is that SOMEBODY ELSE should have recognized the awfulness of the OW being there and quietly asked the funeral director to have the OW leave the premises. That didn't happen; and, as a result, as Mel began to deal with her grief, I think that the memories of the OW came flooding in.
A lot of things can happen when someone is in the throes of grief and unable to focus on those things or do anything to correct them, but the mind records them...and later recalls them in living color. It's a very painful thing to endure.
MB, Mel wasn't ABLE to do anything about the OW being at her son's funeral because she was in such deep grief and shock.
What SHOULD have happened is that SOMEBODY ELSE should have recognized the awfulness of the OW being there and quietly asked the funeral director to have the OW leave the premises.
BUT it DIDN'T happen. Now, the wedding is in the future. There are things that can still be done. Looking back and placing blame will just lead to more resentment. THAT day is OVER. The wedding is going to be handled in the right way by ML and her family. THAT is the important part.
And I don't blame my family. I asked my sister why they didn't do something and she said they didn't fully understand the situation. And since I seemed to be going along with it, they did too! So, I don't blame them at all now.
I am grateful they are willing to take a stand today.
Hey, Scottie...I went back and edited my post as you were posting.
I think it's likely that everybody in Mel's family were in shock and grief, so there's no point in blaming anyone. Most of the time, people who DO recognize something inappropriate simply don't know what to do about it, so they do nothing. I'm also glad that Mel's family is supporting her.
I just want MB to understand that seeing the skank at the wedding is a horrid reminder of her inappropriate presence at the funeral...and Mel should not have to endure it if she doesn't want to.
MB, Mel has asked you not to post on her thread. Please respect her wishes.
I actually talked to a friend about this sitch today. I was telling her that if my sister's daughter had passed, and I was at a funeral, I would be a wreck and not know what to do myself. If my sister didn't directly ask me to do something, I wouldn't. Only because I wouldn't know WHAT to do. I am glad that you don't hold any resentment towards them. If only you could give yourself a break over it as well. YOU COULDN'T DO IT THEN. Let go of that.
NP LC. I wasn't really saying anything against what you posted. I was just trying to give a little nudge to ML. I see a lot of hurt in the posts and I know some of it is from that day, not THIS sitch. I was just trying to help with that. It's all good.
If only you could give yourself a break over it as well. YOU COULDN'T DO IT THEN. Let go of that.
don't worry, I have let go of that! I know I couldn't function.
Good to hear. There is still a lot of pain in your posts and I can't even imagine how it feels.
It is funny though. Before seeing this thread, I thought that you always had it so together all of the time. Now I look at you as a human. It's like the moment you realize that your parent is a person.
It was good to see so many come to your support. We got your back.
What is a wedding for? For two people to commit to live their lives together. They invite their families so they can bear witness to this event, so that the community can pledge their support for the new couple and to celebrate.
Maybe you could do this in your own way. Perhaps a day or two before the wedding, treat your son and his future bride to a special to just the three of you. Where you can give them your gift, give your blessing to the union and celebrate their nuptials in a private event just for the 3 of you (or 4 if you take your hubby, and you should :)). Then maybe, afterwards, get together and go over wedding pics together.
This way you let them know you support them, you love them, and you celebrate their marriage in your own way. But you don't have to endure something unendurable.
You're not going to the wedding isn't a punishment to them, it is you protecting yourself.
Just a thought.
I think this is a very nice idea and may be the best possible solution here.
(the best one that doesn't involve bail money, that is.)
Seriously, this may well be worth looking into. Vibrissa, I'm glad you posted it.
Parents miss weddings for all sorts of reasons. Some take on a solemn meaning in their absence. Some it's a frivolous thing. My dad missed mine because he couldn't stop drinking for even six months in order to be there. Kasey and I planned an extra long engagement to give him time to give it up. He chose not to be there. To me it was a frivolous reason to not be there.
Yours is not a frivolous reason. Marriage vows are sacred. A painted pig inserting herself in the mother's place is abominable. For a son to not take his vows seriously enough as to allow a pig to clutter up his hopefully once-in-a-lifetime experience is up to him.
I think you did a fine job of explaining to your son why you won't be there. And I think finding a way to celebrate with him and his bride away from the "show" will be as meaningful to him as your absence when it comes time for him to understand what those vows really mean.
Sometime it's going to hit him. I hope it's not the betrayal kind that hits him. I hope it's not the loss of a child. But sometime the garish irreverence of this OW is going to offend his soul. I hope it comes before the wedding. For his sake. And for his bride's sake.
I think you did a fine job of explaining to your son why you won't be there. And I think finding a way to celebrate with him and his bride away from the "show" will be as meaningful to him as your absence when it comes time for him to understand what those vows really mean.
Sometime it's going to hit him
.
Right, KA. And you know what else will "hit him?" The level of respect he can have for his Mother for standing up for her principles. He might not be happy about it now, but once the euphoria of the wedding celebration is long over and he starts to understand what Marriage is about, he'll understand that integrity is far more important than one night of pomp and circumstance.
I don't think being absent from the wedding for the right reasons damages the Mother/son relationship one bit in the long run. One day this kid is going to need someone strong in his life, someone who he knows will suffer for their belief system and do the right thing no matter what. It's pretty obvious who that person is going to be.
"I've been thinking on this thread. I'm like Melody. I wouldn't be able to go if I were in her position. To this day, my mother is still upset I invited my biological father to the wedding. I was selfish to invite him knowing that my stepfather would not come and my mother potentially wouldn't come either. And if either did come, they would be miserable.
It was very selfish of me to invite him. Over a decade later and I wish I hadn't."
I is often said to man up, face it, toughen up, stand up for yourself. Sometimes though it is the place for other's to say sit back I'll/we'll handle this. This is the later case.
This is a situation where melody should not have to fight for her self and go to this wedding.
Her son should see that he needs to man up and fight this good fight for his mom. Just the way melody's family has circled the wagons around her.
Melody has endured enough from this OW.
Her son needs to learn what it really means to be an OW.
Mel - I don't think after today that this is about OW anymore.
This is about your son who still hasn't outgrown that "get back at Mom for setting limits" behavior of his teenage years.
I think there is probably more heartbreak for you about how your son is acting about this, than it is about OW.
OW is a cheap piece of furniture by this point, but your son is a part of you that she's contaminated and that contamination hurts you beyond belief. That he'd prize that piece of furniture at his wedding more than having you there speaks volume to the work he has to do to be ready for a marriage vow.
I think until that contamination is cleaned up he's not good marriage material.
You and his future MIL have a lot of work to do in order to purge this future marriage of all that is bad in this young couple's world.
This is probably tough to hear, but I found it really insightful and thought it might be helpful to repost it.
I think the issue of resentment does nothing more than cloud the waters (and conveniently so for waywards or those indoctrinated in the ways of the wayward mind).
If it were possible to look at the situation in the total absence of the memory of OW imposing herself at the funeral, would you plan to be at your son's wedding where OW was to be present?
The Principle of an adulterous, selfish, unrepentant, self-righteous, liar standing up and giving "blessing" to two people who are making a promise before God which she has not a shred of respect for is something you can either witness quietly or not. But being present is tacitly approving of the situation.
What does the wedding mean to your son? What does marriage mean to your son? I bet they mean different things for you than they do for him.
...Talk about the ultimate test of one's Principles...
~optimism
Likewise for this post, particularly the bolded sentence. It sticks in my mind about this situation.
A number of posters keep mentioning how this day is all about the son and DIL-to-be. That's so. But exactly how does the son feel about it? It's hard for me to understand his mindset, because it's hard for me to understand his history. I have some significant similarities in my history, but then I have some majorly significant differences.
Brainstorming idea, Mel; if your son has any connections to anyone else besides you where you live, hosting your own local reception for them might be a great idea, a couple weeks after the wedding. That's common in the churches in our area.
My mother was upset the entire time and did not enjoy the wedding and almost got into a fight. My step father did not attend.
KT, that is how it will be for me. When she sits up front with the family and poses for family pictures, I know myself too well and it won't be pretty. That won't be fair to my son and his fiance to put up with my wrath.
Have you put it that way to your son? Phrased it as protection for him and especially his bride?
My first husband was killed in an accident while we were separated. I had filed for divorce on grounds of gross neglect of duty....he had some piece on the side.
His family found a picture of this OW in his vehicle. They took it to the funeral home and showed each and every employee...and for good measure, other family members. This OW was not going to get anywhere near me, my family, or the funeral home.
Days later, she had the audacity to call a family member..crying on the phone....about how mean the family had been to her for not allowing her to attend.
She had arrived at the funeral home and the funeral home director took it upon himself to make sure that she didn't get in the place. She wasn't welcome there. We didn't even know that she had showed up. The funeral home was one step ahead of us. They sent her packing. She wailed that it was done purposefully to "hurt HER".
Puh-leeeeeze. Like it was ALL ABOUT HER. They told her to troll some other field...there was nothing there for her.
I am so sorry that you didn't have the protection that I did. I can imagine that your family regrets that they didn't act differently. They did the best with what they had to work with.
37 years ago in a little white church, my wife and I got married in a quiet ceremony with just family and a handful of friends in attendance.
The mother of the bride attended with her affair partner/husband. The Father of the bride attended with his new wife that he had married that morning in a civil ceremony officiated over by the chaplain at the base where he and his new wife were stationed about two hours away.
The "family" photos show mother and father of the bride with the happy couple and the mother and father of the groom with the couple. The rehearsal dinner included all 4 and at the reception, all 4 were in attendance.
FIL and I never discussed the event in these terms. I know there was tension, especially in light of OM being a friend he brought home to teach the kids to play the piano he bought for her and had shipped home halfway across the country.
Mel, I pray that your son realizes what he is asking you to do and that it will not become a source of pain for you both in the future.
I am taking a break from boomwhackers and drums and dancing around (I'm teaching an arts workshop) to sat I luuuuv you Miss Melly. (You other people are okay too.....I guess)
This is not just about son's wedding. It's about honor. I could not go in this situation if I knew that OW would be given ANY place of honor or recognition that rightfully belonged to me. Shame on her son for not honoring his mother. He WILL regret this.
My first husband was killed in an accident while we were separated. I had filed for divorce on grounds of gross neglect of duty....he had some piece on the side.
His family found a picture of this OW in his vehicle. They took it to the funeral home and showed each and every employee...and for good measure, other family members. This OW was not going to get anywhere near me, my family, or the funeral home.
Days later, she had the audacity to call a family member..crying on the phone....about how mean the family had been to her for not allowing her to attend.
She had arrived at the funeral home and the funeral home director took it upon himself to make sure that she didn't get in the place. She wasn't welcome there. We didn't even know that she had showed up. The funeral home was one step ahead of us. They sent her packing. She wailed that it was done purposefully to "hurt HER".
Puh-leeeeeze. Like it was ALL ABOUT HER. They told her to troll some other field...there was nothing there for her.
I am so sorry that you didn't have the protection that I did. I can imagine that your family regrets that they didn't act differently. They did the best with what they had to work with.
Kudos to them for trying to make right a wrong.
committed
So sorry this happened to you - but good on the funeral home and your family for standing their ground and taking out the trash. Plenty of folks could learn from their example.
I am taking a break from boomwhackers and drums and dancing around (I'm teaching an arts workshop) to sat I luuuuv you Miss Melly. (You other people are okay too.....I guess)
Thank you, friend!
wow, commie, what a sad tragic story. And what a wonderful family you have.
In my family's defense, they all claim that they didn't understand who the OW was. They thought she was a family friend. And this is believable because my mother and sister did not even know about the beat down scene until last Thanksgiving. I can't believe I never told them, but apparently I didn't. They were shocked to say the least!
Mark, thanks for sharing that story. I so hope my son's wedding is not stained by this adultery.
Markos, my son believes that marriage is good until something better comes along. this is what he was taught by his father.
Markos, my son believes that marriage is good until something better comes along. this is what he was taught by his father.
What a tragic, tragic concept. What a failure of a father: to teach his son values that will actually BETTER his life, as opposed to potentially DESTROY it.
You gonna be gifting the newlyweds with a Dr. Harley boxed set?
It makes it even more important that you stand for righteousness, that you take a moral stand, that you maintain your integrity, that you don't whitewash sin.
I'm sure you'll find a way to deal with this Mel. And maybe your example can serve to teach your son as he grows and this marriage grows.
You gonna be gifting the newlyweds with a Dr. Harley boxed set?
It makes it even more important that you stand for righteousness, that you take a moral stand, that you maintain your integrity, that you don't whitewash sin.
That is EXACTLY how I feel, Vibrissa. He is not helped by whitewashing this situation. It was whitewashing adultery that brought him to this point.
I did give him the book "I Promise You" and he knows all about Marriage Builders.
Mel if POSOW is going to insist on going to the wedding, mark her chair with a bright red A......... Then make sure the ushers loudly escort her to her "SCARLET LETTER"
Aw, heck, Eluna! I already suggested that I go to the wedding, give the skank a big hug, after which I try not to snicker as she walks around with piece of wide masking tape stuck to the back of her dress, with a big red "A" being on the tape!
Mel if POSOW is going to insist on going to the wedding, mark her chair with a bright red A......... Then make sure the ushers loudly escort her to her "SCARLET LETTER"
Ok like I said, B#$ch moment....
Or even better, have the SEAT of the chair FRESHLY painted with a bright red A... distracting OW from glancing down before she sits...
I won't try and tell you what I would do, since I haven't been in your position. What I will tell you is what I believe we should use as our guideline for this, or any situation.
Where our gracious presence will draw others closer to Christ and teach them of His love for us, we should be there. If our presence would give the appearance of silent (or not-so-silent) approval of sin, we should not go.
No matter what the event is, or how important, if our presence there is likely to lead others to regard some sin lightly, we should stay away.
IMO, while the question of how much you feel you can endure should be considered, it's secondary to the above criteria.
My opinion would probably have been different pre-A, and I freely admit that. Even as a Christian who believed adultery was wrong, I could have rationalized a great deal. With the small glimpse God has given me of how heinous adultery is to Him, I can't excuse any bit of the behavior, or any acceptance of unrepentant adulterers flaunting their defiance before society and heaven.
None of this is about your son or his special day. It is about right and wrong, and how you use your influence within your family.
I'm so sorry you're feeling the sting of betrayal yet again.
"I don't know what happened, officer. I was just holding this can of spray paint, and walking along minding my own business, when I tripped and fell and the A just appeared. Honest."
Melodylane, I posted this on my thread hoping someone would point you to it:
Melodylane, please forgive me. I was WAY out of line. I took out the rage I am feeling at myself on you. Please come back and knock me upside of the head as hard as you can when necessary. You clearly know the right buttons to push. If I act like an idiot again, put it down to the fog....
I didn't connect the melodylane who posted on my thread with you and your story which I read a couple of days ago until just now -- how do you spell "foggy" again?
Now that I have made the connection, I am even more sickened by my behavior. Who is that incredibly arrogant and selfish woman who had an A and then attacked the people she asked to help her clean up the mess that she, and she alone, made?
God help me, that's me. I'm pretty sure the shame and gut wrenching horror I am feeling right now is what I have been running from. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. You cannot begin to imagine how grateful I am.
I'm not about to try to tell you what to do about the wedding -- from where I sit, all of your choices suck. But maybe this will give you a different way to think about it.
I was betrayed in '07 by an institution that I trusted implicitly to keep my kids safe -- the event that made me suicidal. I limped along seething with fury and resentment for two years and then one day woke up and thought "the worst possible outcome would be to let those people suck one more second of joy out of my life" and I emotionally slammed the door in their faces. When it comes to my mind now, I think "I'm so glad I am me and not them." I even occasionally pity them because they have to live with what they did -- they are carrying around a big old sack of guilt.
Soooo -- do not let the OW suck one more second of joy out of your life. You are clearly a very tough woman -- do not give her that power. When you see her, celebrate that you are you and not her -- she is a person (and I use the term loosely here) who is so callous and without feeling or empathy she went to your son's funeral. Make her face a reminder of how strong and honest and giving and empathic you are and set off some mental fireworks in your honor.
Look at it this way: she is living with your XH whom she knows to be a cheater without benefit of any of the protections afforded by marriage. Every time he is late, or checks his phone at an odd time, or goes on a business trip she has to wonder if he is at it again, and she has to be oh so careful about probing because he could kick her out on a moment's notice.
Could you really devise a more exquisitely painful punishment than that?
Where our gracious presence will draw others closer to Christ and teach them of His love for us, we should be there. If our presence would give the appearance of silent (or not-so-silent) approval of sin, we should not go.
As my cosmic twin this is the usual great thinking I have come to expect. This is exactly what my instincts are telling me. That going will give approval of sin, just as our silence at my other son's funeral gave tacit approval of adultery.
If I don't take a stand, my son will never learn this lesson. I did him a terrible injustice by not standing up before. [even though I really couldn't]
"I don't know what happened, officer. I was just holding this can of spray paint, and walking along minding my own business, when I tripped and fell and the A just appeared. Honest."
oh no!! "Officer, shes a yankee gal and she had an affair with my husband!"
TEXAS RANGER: "now little gal, you are not holding that spray can right, let me show ya how to do it right!"
Melodylane, please forgive me. I was WAY out of line. I took out the rage I am feeling at myself on you. Please come back and knock me upside of the head as hard as you can when necessary. You clearly know the right buttons to push. If I act like an idiot again, put it down to the fog....
saddestwife, how very sweet of you to come over here and say this to me! This means so much to me. I will have to come back over and work ya over some more! [even though it sounds like you are doing great!]
Thanks for your advice. I agree with everything you have said and this is normally how I handle my resentments. This one has bowled me over in a way that I didn't expect. I will have to work through it somehow.
"I don't know what happened, officer. I was just holding this can of spray paint, and walking along minding my own business, when I tripped and fell and the A just appeared. Honest."
oh no!! "Officer, shes a yankee gal and she had an affair with my husband!"
TEXAS RANGER: "now little gal, you are not holding that spray can right, let me show ya how to do it right!"
Good heavens woman -- give yourself a break! The wedding is opening the wound of the A, the abandonment, XH still being with her and the death of your SON. And you are expected to celebrate!
If you weren't going round and round and round in circles about it, there would be something seriously wrong with you.
You'll make the right choice for you. No one on the planet has to agree with what that is.
Thanks for forgiving me -- I feel so wretched about so much. It means a lot.
Hey Mel. I just wanted to say how refreshing it was to read your story on the stand you took with your kid years ago, when you nailed his window shut and took his keys. Sounds like something I would do, cuz I'm so strict (AKA an active parent). I know this is tough, but it's good to see you still parenting your son, showing him right from wrong, even in the face of a family that has blurred those lines for your DS.
I hope you are doing well, despite all of the pain you have been experiencing lately. I hope your son comes around. I like the idea that you make a special day with the bride and groom if you choose not to attend the wedding.
OMG! I am still wiping tears from my eyes after watching this - It's called "Houston We Have a Solution" - HA! - Warning, there are some naughty words in it...
Mel, I just read this thread. It took me a LONG time to get through all the posts. You really have a lot of support here. I can not imagine what you are going through right now. In 1985 my sister got married. We didn't know at the time that the father of the groom was having an affair. She was at the wedding! I think the mother of the groom had her suspicions but had her head in the sand. After the wedding he gave his wife the classic fog speak and left her for the OW. They were together for many years. BIL and his sister cut their dad out of their lives. He missed his daughter's wedding and the birth of 2 of his grandkids. The kids (and the rest of the family including WH's family) stuck by their mother 100%. Although it took YEARS WH finally left his affairage. He slowly started reconnecting with his family and his kids. His aunt passed away and he and his BXW reconnected at the funeral. He was very remorseful and apologized to her and the family. They started dating and got remarried. (No one saw that one coming!)They were married for about 10 years and he just passed away a few months ago. Here's another one for you..... The spouses of my DH's brother and sister had an affair that lasted for years. There were little kids involved. Again none of the families involved condoned that relationship. I met DH after the affair started. I couldn't wrap my head around it. The kicker is although the affair ended well over 10 years ago the boys of my BIL don't want their own mother at their weddings. The fact that everyone seems "ok" with your XWH affair just floors me. I would think YOU would come first over his dad. I can understand you both being at the wedding but not the HO. BTW, what does your DH think about all this?
Melody, I've been reading your thread with a great deal of sadness and trying to figure out what to say. I feel badly for everyone involved - you, your son, your future DIL - everyone except your ex-H and OW who are continuing to exhibit a serious lack of class and a surplus of cruelty.
Is there really no way that you, your H and your extended family can go to the wedding? They will be all be there to support you. It's clear that your son wants you there at his wedding - remember that the young lack the perspective and wisdom that comes with age, and he probably just feels caught between his parents. When he is older he will be able to understand much better what you are going through. When he is a parent - that's when it will hit him.
The OW is nothing in the scheme of things, and certainly nothing compared to you. Consider that attending your son's wedding may be a way to banish a horrible trigger forever.
Finally, have you thought about asking Dr. H? He might be able to give you some guidance. In any event, I wish you the very best, whatever you decide will be right for you.
OMG! I am still wiping tears from my eyes after watching this - It's called "Houston We Have a Solution" - HA! - Warning, there are some naughty words in it...
Hey Mel. I just wanted to say how refreshing it was to read your story on the stand you took with your kid years ago, when you nailed his window shut and took his keys.
Yes, I was the MEAN MOM and OW was the caring person who gave him a refuge from the meaness. Its amazing how much the language of sicko fogbabble has influenced his thinking. I can only hope and pray that he wakes up and rethinks that position now that he is an adult.
I always appreciated my mother, but it wasn't until I had a kid that I could better UNDERSTAND her. Better yet, it wasn't until I faced being a single mom that I fully respected her (not that I didn't respect her already...or that I desired being a single mom over saving my marriage...but I'm sure you got that ;))
Wow, Mel - I just finished reading this thread. I can only imagine your pain. I totally agree with Neak. She phrased it all very well. While I do understand what Mrs. W and SMB have said about not missing your son's wedding, I do think you have to know your own limits. I am proud of you for standing up for what is right. I applaud you - you are a very strong woman, and obviously a real parent for life. Parenting doesn't end when they turn 18 - you have to be an example and stand up for what is right until the day you leave this earth.
I also love the ideas of honoring your son's marriage separately. It is sort of sad that we place so much emphasis on one day. When it's all over, it ends up being just day (although hopefully one filled with happy memories).
I believe that I would do just as you are doing, if I was in your shoes.
I always appreciated my mother, but it wasn't until I had a kid that I could better UNDERSTAND her. Better yet, it wasn't until I faced being a single mom that I fully respected her (not that I didn't respect her already...or that I desired being a single mom over saving my marriage...but I'm sure you got that ;))
AMEN SL! I am sure I appreciated my mom when I was growing up but I may not have called it that when I was little. It wasn't until I became a mom that it really started to hit me. HOW DID SHE DO THIS?!?!?!?! (I am one of 6 and one of my sister's has Autisum) Mom and Dad always told us we have no idea how much they love us. Now I get it. Now dad say's "just wait until you have grandkids, you think you can't love anyone as much as you love your kids, trust me you have more love in there." I am sure he's right!
Yes, I was the MEAN MOM and OW was the caring person who gave him a refuge from the meaness. Its amazing how much the language of sicko fogbabble has influenced his thinking. I can only hope and pray that he wakes up and rethinks that position now that he is an adult.
Thanks for your thoughts, SL.
MEAN MOM.....LOL!!!!!!!!! I remember thinking my parents were being mean when I was a kid. The difference is when I became an adult I realized they were great parents. That was before kids, after kids I appreciated them even more. Sadly, I think you are right on about your son. He has been poisoned by the sicko's and unfortunately you can't change that. You can only stick to your beliefs and know you are right.
TEEF is not seated in the family section, at both the wedding and the reception.
As if my H's OW was not "mean" to him. She strived and succeeded in breaking up his family and his parents marriage. That is pretty damn mean if you ask me! 
That Mel cannot show up with her H and show the world what class really vs. what classless really is. 
Oh no, you must NOT give him that - and you won't! I am confident that you won't!
Do you not realize that you still have that bond that overshadows any other basic human interaction with your son? Do you not realize that you are his hero? And you wish to bail on him now in the interest of Making Your Statement? You think he doesn't 
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