I think its real easy to say what you "would do" when you have never been in that situation. But it doesn't mean much to me personally.

I have to do what is best for *ME* and do what is within *MY* limits of endurance. I can't conduct myself and subject myself to painful behavior just because someone who has NEVER been through it imagines what they would do.

Bravado is nice and all, but means very little coming from someone who has never been through it.

It makes me think about the people who tell me to dump my WH and not look back and say that if their H "cheated" on them, THEY would do the same thing. It's about personal choices and what you can and CAN NOT handle.

The choice to go or not(although, I have a feeling you are leaning towards the NOT at this point) is up to you and I will support you whichever way you choose.

That support MAY come in the form of 2x4's, as you have OFTEN supported others with, but it will be what you NEED.

Unless Mel is the Virgin Mary, her son is not her Son. He is her child. She is his mother. OW is not even married to his father. POSOW has no right to be invited IMHO. Mel did not "put her son in this position". Her cheating ex-husband did that. He did the crime - not Mel. She should not be asked to tolerate the OW for even a minute. My children know this. They know how painful the affair was for me. They protect me from that pain. They have extremely limited contacted with my ex and they will not speak to me about him. They don't ask me to endure pain. It is extremely thoughtless of her son to even consider this.

Thanks Vibrissa, I agree with everything you said. The reason this is an issue TODAY is because everyone pretended that wrong is right. I have no intention of participating in that charade again. I don't think that is "supportive" of my son to do that. Look how doing so has warped his mind?

So, I don't know yet what the answer is. I adore my son and would do anything PRODUCTIVE for him. I have to figure out what that is in this situation.

Thanks Scotland.

Stop it, Mel. It has nothing to do with virtuosity, and you know it. It has everything to do with that crazy, maddening love you feel hit you right between the eyes the second that baby is pulled from your belly and thrown, yowling like a cat, onto your stomach, and they say "It's a boy". And you know you would cut off an arm - hell, a LEG AND AN ARM - to keep pain from this precious child. It's the inexplicable paradigm that something would cause you so much pain, and yet bring you so much joy. And your DS did, yes? When did that change? Never.

Your X's betrayal has diminished that bond between you and your DS in no way. The two of YOU own that. Why are you allowing it to diminish that bond now, during a huge time in your DS's life that you can't get backif you choose not to be there? Knowing that there will be no do-over?

Why are you allowing your X's bad choices to color this day, a day like the day your DS was born and your bond with him began?? That bond was predicated on one thing alone - the almost supernatural job of birthing and of being born. It was a moment shared between the two of you alone that no one else will ever have - they can't buy it, and they can't try to be a pseudo-owner, sorry about that OW. Do you not realize that you still have that bond that overshadows any other basic human interaction with your son? Do you not realize that you are his hero? And you wish to bail on him now in the interest of Making Your Statement? You think he doesn't know your statement?

What is your goal, Melody?

Since OW is so classless as to have shown up at the funeral for Mel's son AND sat herself down in the family section for the service, she will probably be just as classless at the wedding.

She will expect to be escorted up the aisle to sit in the parents' pew...either in front of or right behind Mel, if not on the same pew. She will probably make a big show out of hugging MEL'S son and bride in front of Mel and insist on being in the wedding pictures.

IF she hadn't shown up at the funeral, I personally MIGHT be able to tolerate her coming to the wedding IF she didn't expect to be treated like the mother of the groom...and IF she sat in one of the back pews and stayed out of the pictures and treated Mel with the respect that she has never shown Mel in the past.

I don't see that happening, and I'm kinda like Mel. If I was in such a situation and the skank was to try hugging all over my child in front of me, I'd want to yank her off him by her hair.

Personally, I think that if she isn't good enough for Mel's ex to marry in the past 11 years, she'd best not be trying to come across like she's the mother of the groom.

The only problem I can see with Mel not going to the rehearsal dinner/wedding is that it leaves a clear field for the skank to pretend that she is the mother of the groom. That would be a case for biting the bullet and going. It would be nice if Mel was able to lay down some ground rules, but they would probably be violated first thing. For instance, if Mel was to pay for the rehearsal dinner withOUT her ex helping out, she could keep the skank out. However, that still leaves the wedding.

I support Mel in anything she needs/wants to do. It looks to me as if she's darned if she goes, and darned if she doesn't. Whatever Mel thinks is best for her is what she should do.

Perhaps a little out of the box thinking here.

What is a wedding for? For two people to commit to live their lives together. They invite their families so they can bear witness to this event, so that the community can pledge their support for the new couple and to celebrate.

Maybe you could do this in your own way. Perhaps a day or two before the wedding, treat your son and his future bride to a special to just the three of you. Where you can give them your gift, give your blessing to the union and celebrate their nuptials in a private event just for the 3 of you (or 4 if you take your hubby, and you should :)). Then maybe, afterwards, get together and go over wedding pics together.

This way you let them know you support them, you love them, and you celebrate their marriage in your own way. But you don't have to endure something unendurable.

You're not going to the wedding isn't a punishment to them, it is you protecting yourself.

Just a thought.

posting again in case you missed it:

I think its real easy to say what you "would do" when you have never been in that situation. But it doesn't mean much to me personally.

I have to do what is best for *ME* and do what is within *MY* limits of endurance. I can't conduct myself and subject myself to painful behavior just because someone who has NEVER been through it imagines what they would do.

Bravado is nice and all, but means very little coming from someone who has never been through it.

You have given me alot to think about, Vibrissa. I DO want to be supportive of their union. This might be the way to go if this can't be resolved. We have plenty of time to find a solution and I like where you are going with this. Thanks..

FWIW, I don't think you should go if you feel unable to.

Just keep in mind that concept of his Love Bank for later, when this door opens back up.

I am sorry he is not talking to you.

Thanks, LadyClueless. However, the OW is already positioning herself as the mother of the groom so it won't make any difference if I am there or not. I can go and watch it or I can stay home. I would prefer to NOT watch it. i don't think I CAN watch it.

ITA with this....Mel, FWIW.... Sorry that your ex and his adultery continues to cause you such pain....{{{{{{MEL}}}}}}}

Yep. You've got me, there. I've never been through it. I'm the same poster who said that I hope I'd be the brave one to run into a burning building to save someone. I'd like to think I would. I don't know how that would play out until the day I came upon the burning building and heard the screams.

So here we all are, saying what we 'think' we would do. Bravado has nothing to do with it Melody. None of us have 'been through it' and can do anything but speculate.

But you've made your choice clear: you have to do what is best for YOU. And what is within YOUR limits of endurance. You have decided that your DS's wedding is outside of your limits.

Please don't denigrate my comments - they were made to give you another way to look at things. It's a day that your DS will hold in his memory for life. I think he would want you to be in his memory of that day, as the strong woman that you are.

I have no idea if this bears any resemblence to your delima right now. But I invited my biological father to my first wedding. My mother still loathes him to this day. My step father that raised me said he would not attend the wedding if my biological father was at the wedding.

I thought that was selfish of him and he should've put his own feelings aside.

So my biological father came. Was very animated at the wedding. My mother was upset the entire time and did not enjoy the wedding and almost got into a fight. My step father did not attend.

to this day I wish I had not invited my biological father. And that was about 15 years ago.

KT, that is how it will be for me. When she sits up front with the family and poses for family pictures, I know myself too well and it won't be pretty. That won't be fair to my son and his fiance to put up with my wrath. If she going to be honored and treated as a family member I don't need to be there. My son has made his choice as far as I am concerned.

Thanks for the feedback. And thanks, stillhere.

I suspect your feelings have made a bigger impression on him than this statement would indicate.

I hope you rethink your feelings right now and attend LOUD AND PROUD, as the Mother of the Groom. And everyone knows there's only one.

I've been thinking on this thread. I'm like Melody. I wouldn't be able to go if I were in her position. To this day, my mother is still upset I invited my biological father to the wedding. I was selfish to invite him knowing that my stepfather would not come and my mother potentially wouldn't come either. And if either did come, they would be miserable.

It was very selfish of me to invite him. Over a decade later and I wish I hadn't.

No. This day is all about your son and his wife.

Going to the wedding would be an endorsement of this charade. Just as sitting silent was when she attended my son's funeral. There wasn't a damn thing "loud and proud" about that. In fact, my endorsement 10 years ago has led to this situation.

That won't happen again.