This is about the worst resentment I have had in my life, tst. It scares me to death. I am shocked at the depth of my emotions, so you are exactly right. I learned to handle resentments in my first year and here I am bowled over by this bad boy.

I think the reason why is because now I do not have the luxury of SHOCK. Now, I CLEARLY see the OW's smirking face over my H's shoulder standing in front of my son's coffin. I see that clearly.

I will tell you who I am really the most angry at. ME

I have always been able to count on myself to defend myself in times of trouble and I was not able to do it then. I can't even explain it, except to say that when the shock slowly wore off, I was quite amazed that I tolerated that cruelty.

I really do want to get over this resentment and I know I won't do that by going to the wedding. That will make things worse. It is simply beyond my endurance at this time.

Dr Harley even notes that sometimes the resentment is too great to overcome and in that case, it is best to remove yourself. That is what I have tried to do in this case.


I realize the situation is different, but the point is that in cases where the resentment is too great it is best to removed oneself from the situation. In this case it would be the wedding.

Thanks for you kind words, SS. i agree it is not a fair request. I am reminded, though, that his attitude was shaped by 2 liars and cheaters when he lived with them for 4 years. I am ashamed my son has this attitude but he came by it honestly. He is so clear headed when it comes to everything else.

This is exaclty true. But tst is correct that I need to manage this down. That doesn't mean I should go to the wedding. I am sorry to say that my feelings are well beyond my ability to do that.

I don't have the benefit of shock anymore and I don't trust myself to not wipe that smirk right off her face.

Thanks not2fun, I know you are right. I still find it frustrating that I couldnt' defend myself. The resentment I have over that is what scares me the most about being in the same room with her again.

Boy, can we all relate to that feeling? I know that I can when I look back at the last couple of years.

I am sorry that something that should be a happy celebration is dredging up such a horribly painful time in both your son's and your life. I am sure that it hurts you deeply that you son won't empathize with you. My stepfather was a serial cheater (married to my mom 29 years, 3 OCs and 13 OWs - all hidden). He was very strict with us. Once I realized and accepted that he was a complete hypocrite, I could no longer have a relationship with him. Maybe your son is not ready to face the truth and deal with it. Maybe he won't get "it" until something like that happens to him.

In the meantime, you have two choices. Suck it up and go to the wedding and probably hate every minute or stay home and miss your son's wedding. Neither are ideal or easy. Both suck! Your resentment came honestly. I agree that the resentment is your warning flag that this is not a good situation for you.

Ugh!

Personal boundaries aren't just about keeping a marriage respectful and productive. They are life boundaries. The only way to get over the pain of the adultery that ends in divorce is NC. Your son is trying to force you to break NC with your ex and the OW. This is your boundary to protect. Your son just has to respect your boundaries. He doesn't have to understand them or agree to them.

I think one of the first things you might need to do is let yourself off the hook completely for what you tolerated during your sons funeral. Give yourself a free pass on that one, OK!

Mel, you have every right in the world to defend and protect yourself. I believe the difficult part for most people, and even worse for recovering alcoholics, is unlearning our ability to defend and protect our resentments. I hope that in the near future you'll be able to put the pen to paper and wor through this process the same way you've taught so many others to work through it. You and I both know that learning to let go of a resentment is not the same thing as forgiving someone or allowing them access to your life.

I always hate the cliche of "let go and let God". But I think I hate it so much because it's just so obvious...and oh so hard.

I want to make sure that you know how deeply saddened this current event makes me. You and your son are in my prayers.

Mulan boils it down into a few, concise words...

I am so sorry Mel. What a horrible position. I understand how unbearable it would be seeing the OW there but, on the other hand, why should she get to be at your sons wedding and you miss out? Why allow her to rob you of another important memory? Just a thought..........

I think it is a matter of perspective.

My daughter will be getting married soon and there is nothing

in the world that would stop me going. She is way too important

to me and the most important day of her life can not be

missed.

What is this OW? She is no more than a second hand Rose wearing

an old moth eaten shirt that you didn't want. I can still see

the mould on it from sitting in the wardrobe too long.

If she comes to your sons wedding she be no more than a baggage

lady with shopping trolley. that frequents weddings and funerals

to get a free feed.

Can such a creature be of concern? I think not.

The creature maybe unsightly but I think more to be pitied than

anything else.

.....I reserve the right to use this at any time in the future I deem necessary.....

{{{Mel}}}}}

I know.....I will pray that you find the peace you need to arrest this....

I think the issue of resentment does nothing more than cloud the waters (and conveniently so for waywards or those indoctrinated in the ways of the wayward mind).

If it were possible to look at the situation in the total absence of the memory of OW imposing herself at the funeral, would you plan to be at your son's wedding where OW was to be present?

The Principle of an adulterous, selfish, unrepentant, self-righteous, liar standing up and giving "blessing" to two people who are making a promise before God which she has not a shred of respect for is something you can either witness quietly or not. But being present is tacitly approving of the situation.

What does the wedding mean to your son? What does marriage mean to your son? I bet they mean different things for you than they do for him.


...Talk about the ultimate test of one's Principles...


~optimism

Mel - I don't think after today that this is about OW anymore.

This is about your son who still hasn't outgrown that "get back at Mom for setting limits" behavior of his teenage years.

I think there is probably more heartbreak for you about how your son is acting about this, than it is about OW.

OW is a cheap piece of furniture by this point, but your son is a part of you that she's contaminated and that contamination hurts you beyond belief. That he'd prize that piece of furniture at his wedding more than having you there speaks volume to the work he has to do to be ready for a marriage vow.

I think until that contamination is cleaned up he's not good marriage material.

You and his future MIL have a lot of work to do in order to purge this future marriage of all that is bad in this young couple's world.

Mel,
we differ in our opinions but my heart goes out to you.

Sometimes we cannot "turn the other cheek" because it will destroy us.

I love my girls with all of my heart and soul but I have told both of them that in future celebrations including their own weddings that if XH planned on bringing PP I will not attend.

My boundary is never to have her at a family event unless it is her funeral or if she is being served with an apple in her mouth for a BBQ.

This is not about hurting your son but saving his day because if you lose it at the wedding then it will be turned back on you against all of your own values trying to please him

Well, Mel.

How are you doing today?

(((((((((Mel)))))))))

I think Mulan had it right when she said strength sometimes can be something of a curse, b/c folks expect you to put up w/ anything because you're strong.

He's not asking his father to suck it up and keep his ho away. He's asking the strongest person to suffer.

I'm so very very sorry. Many prayers are going out for you.

I agree with this assessment. My concern for him is that he has bought into the spin that adultery is a solution to a bad marriage. That should scare the heck out of his GF, but I don't think she sees it.


I was shocked when my sister told me what he said. That is something I have never heard from him. Part of the problem, IMO, is that he has not rethought his teenage mindset and still carries it to a great degree. I am sure the infidels played up how "mean" I was when he was a teenager and I took his car keys away and nailed his window shut. He still has that childish outlook!






I would almost rather cut my wrists than hurt my son. There is almost anything I would do for him. But being a party to the charade of honoring the OW as a honored guest is beyond my ability.

Thanks Marshmallow. Doc, I am going to have a great day because I am on vacation with my cute husband this week and we are going to the zoo! Thanks for asking.

Melody, just a thought ... don't forget that you have an account in your son's Love Bank. I know you fear for his future, and I know you worry about how his past affects him and his values, and I know you want to have influence over him. To do that, you are going to have to keep that balance high, and to do that, you're going to be stuck having to refrain from a potential Disrespectful Judgment.

I was once a very small boy in Texas with a wayward mother intentionally exposing me to the influence of a despicable man, with literally nobody present to cling to but God.

He saved me.