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Hi Melody,
DWG is right. Anything that you do, (indirectly), will just confuse them. Snaggle-toof should not be at YOUR sons wedding, not even the bathroom. I think that you have two courses here, both of which are in motion.

1. Direct assault on snaggle-toof: Maybe a face to face with her to let her know that she is not welcome to attend the wedding of your son. Banging your XWH gives her no right to disgrace their vows with her presence, regardless if she receives an invite from them.

2. Family Support: Your BIL has started this. Others I hope can talk to your son also about how disrespectful this is. I suspect your son is just trying to be nice to his dad and doesn't want any drama.


What you said about resentment has stuck with me. What this woman did at your son's funeral is indescribable. You deserve to have this resentment, but how long are you going to hold on to it? The longer you do, the longer you empower this woman.

You resent your failure to protect yourself at your sons funeral? I cannot fathom what you must have been going through at the time. Do not beat yourself up for not dragging her [censored] out of the place. You handled it well.

Thank you for sharing.

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Looks like I was a little late with my previous post.

You had me really thinking about that resentment.

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Originally Posted by now_what
What you said about resentment has stuck with me. What this woman did at your son's funeral is indescribable. You deserve to have this resentment, but how long are you going to hold on to it? The longer you do, the longer you empower this woman.

I will hold onto it as long as I am triggered. I wasn't resentful about it last week or the week before. But all that fury and pain comes flooding back because I was triggered on Wednesday. See, I moved far, far away so I wouldn't have to have my nose rubbed in all this. And now it comes to me 1200 miles away.

That is why I have done my level best to AVOID the OW all these years. Her presence triggers me greatly. I am experiencing TODAY a great deal of pain over this. All of those horrendous memories came flooding back.

Dr Harley even says if you have resentments then you need to avoid triggers. That has certainly proven true in my case.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I think I'd go through the bride's mother, since she's been cheated on and is more likely to be truly empathetic. (not guaranteed) Enlisting the help of the bride, especially over a nice meal, could also be useful. If these women are too stupid (or scared) to object and make waves, then you may just have to go and knock 'em dead, metaphorically speaking, and KNOW that if you do, you'll be a bigger burr under her saddle than she will be under yours.

tl

P.S. Kudos to Uncle. He sounds special, and somewhat rare.

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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
I don't want to have regrets, but I am sitting here with a TEN YEAR LONG RESENTMENT because I allowed myself to be disrespected 10 years ago. So I am more fearful actually of compounding that resentment. I think if I stand up for myself this time and eject her from the invitation list, I will feel much better about all this.

I think you have it figured out here.
I hope that you are able to do this and it will help you with this resentment. If she isn't ejected from the list, you'll know that you DID everything that you could and DID stand up for yourself....no regrets..

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That is more than being selfish and oblivious to someone's anguish. That is just plain cruel. Only hatred could motivate someone to do that to someone else. I am sorry you have had to experience such a thing. That is a man with no conscience and no shame. Even the selfish and heartless man that I was could not have done that.

Last edited by GreenMile; 07/10/10 12:18 AM.

FWH, age 63. 24 years of narcissistic behavior, infidelity, and emotional abandonment of my BS, age 57, DancesWithGoats (DWG). D-day two years ago, leading to emotional breakdown. Been working MB program and toward spiritual transformation and personal growth since then, with some slow but real progress. DWG still with no trust, but with grief starting to subside a bit.
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ML,
I don't post to you very often, and we run in different circles. But your post to start this thread broke my heart.

I watched my mother bury two children. She was never the same after the first, and died herself soon after the second. And she had a devoted husband of many years.

I cannot imagine juxtaposing the two losses of child and marriage, and the flagrant cruelty you endured at your son's funeral. I am so, so sorry.

I don't know how to advise you. It seems to me on first impression that this is more about the loss of your son than the marriage of your son. I wish and hope that you can compartmentalize the two events so as not to lose the joy of the second to the grief of the first.

There are many things beyond our control, but our actions and reactions are squarely within our area of control. You may not control the guest list at your son's wedding, but you can and shall control your own behavior at that sacred time.

So I ask you.... what does God want from you now? What is the road to redemption here, the "high road?"

And i am not asking or suggesting in any way, shape or form that you minimize or discount or ignore the huge, unbearable, unspeakable wrong to you. I am asking you to find God in that hurt.

Hugs to you.


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mel....just for you....pray for her....







what we do in life......echoes in eternity!
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You know those horrible, plastic buck and rotten nappy teeth they sell at costume stores for Halloween?

At the wedding, simply leave a set in the ladies room on the counter. If they mysteriously dissapear in an hour or so (who knew?) I'd set out another pair.



Me; W 46
Him; H 46

2 girls
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DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
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Originally Posted by now_what
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
I don't want to have regrets, but I am sitting here with a TEN YEAR LONG RESENTMENT because I allowed myself to be disrespected 10 years ago. So I am more fearful actually of compounding that resentment. I think if I stand up for myself this time and eject her from the invitation list, I will feel much better about all this.

I think you have it figured out here.
I hope that you are able to do this and it will help you with this resentment. If she isn't ejected from the list, you'll know that you DID everything that you could and DID stand up for yourself....no regrets..

But see, here is my worry...

Let's not forget that your son was a victim in this horrible mess too...He was, I believe, around 16 years old back then - he lost his big brother, his dad committed adultery and his parents divorced as a result of that...My heart breaks for the child he was back then...

And yes, Mel, you are right, adultery is the gift that keeps on giving, but not just to the BS - when the adulterer leaves the marriage and remains wayward the result for the children is moral confusion - the lines between right and wrong are blurred and that is why we see adultery run in families so often - the destruction adultery causes is typically seen for generations.

I fear that if you take it upon yourself to try and alter the guest list, you will end up with even more loss, and I don't want to see that happen. I think, YES, you do let your son and DIL-to-be know about your disappointment and hurt at their choice to include OW on the guest list, but ultimately you must leave their choices to them. It is their special day. This has to be a very difficult situation for your son - He wants both of his parents there - He would prefer not to upset either of you - I can't help but have a soft spot in my heart for what he must be feeling...

I want you to be able to continue to have a loving relationship with your son, and to have a great relationship with your new DIL AND any future grandchildren...I worry that if you flex muscle here, it may cost YOU, and that's the last thing I want to see happen...

I do not at all want it to seem like I am discounting your hurt and pain. I know it will be hard, but I have every confidence that you can draw on your faith and repeat to yourself over and over the Bible verse that SMB posted to you...

"I Can Do All Things Through Christ Who Strengthens Me"

Philippians 4:13


(((((Mel)))))

Mrs. W


FWW ~ 47 ~ Me
FBH ~ 50 ~ MrWondering
DD ~ 17
Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered

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Well, I had my response all typed up and hit the danged backspace key. POOF! It's all gone.

I'm starting over. rant2


Happily married to HerPapaBear



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Mel,

Mrs W is on the money with her advice, I think. And I think you would even give similar advice if you were to advise someone else in a similar situation.

I can quote Scripture if you'd like....Things like Matt 6:14 & 15 or from Matt 18 and Luke 6. I could point you to Colossians 3:1-4 or 2 Corinthians 2:5-11...

Or maybe Joshua 1...

Verse 5- No one will be able to stand up against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you.
or Verse 9- Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.

Or Micah 7:7
Quote
But as for me, I watch in hope for the LORD,
I wait for God my Savior;
my God will hear me.

Everything might be bigger in Texas, but God is bigger still...

Let Him live in you and through you. Who can even stand before Him?

Mark


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I agree with everything that Mrs. W said.

I would sit down with your son and DIL and share from the heart why being in the presence of OW causes you so much hurt. Explain in detail how her actions at his brother's funeral were way past cruel. Explain what triggers are and the lengths you have gone to avoid them to keep yourself emotionally healthy. Be open and honest about how much suffering it will cause you to attend this wedding if she is invited.

I would then tell them that out of love and respect for you, you are asking that they not invite her.

Then I would tell your son that you love him and will be at his wedding not matter what he decides because you refuse to allow OW to steal one more precious moment of your life. Remind them of the emotional pain it will cause you to be there if she is there, but that you are unwilling to miss their special day for any reason.

If you cannot keep your cool in a conversation about this, then write it in a letter (letters) to give to them.

But under no circumstances should you give up your seat of honor as the mother of the groom! If you are not there where you belong, OW will most certainly fill the empty seat. I could never live with that!!

You must protect your relationship with your son, Mel. It's moments like these that can break a family apart. This is the first of many special days in your son's (and future grandchildren's) lives. Are you willing to miss them all because OW might attend as well? Births and birthdays? Holidays? Concerts, plays, or sports the grandchildren are involved in?

I assure you that if you give up your rightful place, OW will happily take it and thank you for it.

Your son NEEDS you in his life. Your future grandchildren NEED you, too. Do you realize the power and influence you give to OW over your son and grandchildren if you relinquish your place in their lives??

Attending this wedding is not disrespecting yourself. It is claiming what belongs to you.

You respect yourself by openly and honestly communicating to your son and DIL how much suffering you have endured at the hands of OW and the pain it will cause you if she attends. You respect yourself by not playing the sick game of one big, happy family, and instead consider OW non-existent if she is there. You respect yourself by taking your seat of honor and holding your head high because YOU are the woman that BELONGS there.

Missing the wedding will not save you suffering. I believe it will invite more long-term pain into your life.

You MUST be at your son's wedding no matter the circumstances. God will provide the supernatural strength and grace to make it through the day. Give Him the opportunity to do that for you. He will not let you down.

Last edited by sexymamabear; 07/10/10 08:01 AM.

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t&l, I agree that is a good solution and I intend on contacting the brides mother. She has been through this and I know she understands the devastation. The OW in her marriage wouldn't DARE show her mug at this wedding. The difference here is that the OW in my marriage is LOUD AND PROUD. She is FLAGRANT about what she did to me.

Greenmile and Chrysalis, thank you for your kind posts. Chrysalis, you are right and my question should be what does God want from me. That is what I am working on. Does he want me to suck it up and yoke myself with evil AGAIN and set myself up for another 10 years of resentment?

MrsW, I understand what you are saying, however, if my son invites the OW to the wedding knowing how I feel about this then his disrespect to me is almost as bad as the OW's. Yes, he is a victim too, but he won't be a victim if he allows the OW to disrespect me again. He KNOWS now what happened and how I feel. If someone disrespected my son in such a way, I wouldn't be inviting her to a wedding, I would be saying sayanora baby, don't darken my doorstep.

I am sorry to say that if my son does not man up and prevent his mother from being disrespected that it will effect our relationship.

Mark, thank you for those scriptures. One thing I have learned over the years is that is better to remove myself from evil than to throw myself in its path and make myself available to be exploited. And I have been a favored target for exploitation my WHOLE LIFE. The older I get, the more skilled I am at making myself unavailable to be harmed.

To my current thinking, going to the wedding - if she is there - puts me in harms way and sets me up for years of resentment. Its easy to say "just ignore it" but it sure hasn't worked for me yet where it concerns the OW.

All of the feelings from my son's funeral and the subsequent awakening months later when the shock wore off and I realized what she had done to me have come back from just discussing this. If my son would put me through me that, then I wonder what kind of man he is.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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And if your son and DIL still decide to invite OW, I would then talk with DIL's mother in detail about what OW did at your son's funeral and how much pain you are in at the thought of her attending the wedding. I would tell her that you are unsure how you will react at seeing OW and are afraid you may lose your temper, especially if OW attempts to speak to you.

Ask her for your help by not seating OW near you or having her in pictures with you. Tell her that your desire is to make sure this day is wonderful for your son and DIL, and staying as far away from OW would be in everyone's best interest.

It sounds like she may have some compassion for you and understand your triggers in a way that others just can't.

Who knows, maybe she'll decide OW shouldn't be there once she hears what an evil person she is.

I think your best approach with everyone is to say:

1. This is what I've been through.
2. This is how I feel.
3. Can you help me get through this day?

Period. No game playing or manipulating. Just openness and honesty.

But in the end, your hiney better be in the seat it belongs!


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Be sure that OW knows from your family what awaits her in the whispers at that wedding. She needs to know that her actions this time will not be so shocking as to stun people to silence. But that this time, behind every whisper there will be the remembrance of her wh*rish behavior at another event. Make sure that she knows shame this time, with all of the joy and the laughter at this upcoming event, there will be none for her if she has the same shameful heart as to attend and insert herself into the remaining family celebrations this family has left since she lit a bomb into the family and destroyed it.

The Grace of a Texan is to tell them to go to h*ll and have them looking forward to the trip, as where they are is worse.

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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
To my current thinking, going to the wedding - if she is there - puts me in harms way and sets me up for years of resentment.


Mel, not going puts you in harms way and sets you up for years of resentment, too, because you missed one of the most special days in YOUR life.

But it also EMPOWERS OW to have more influence in the lives of your son and grandchildren because you are not there. If you leave that seat vacant, she WILL fill it.

And what will she fill it with???

EVIL!!!

You must be the light in your son and grandchildren's lives, my friend!!! And you do that by BEING in their lives.

I am very serious now. Take this spiritual battle up. Fight for them, because if you don't...there will be NO light in their lives! Please listen to me on this.

Do not leave this foothold open to Satan. He is WAITING for it.




Quote
Its easy to say "just ignore it" but it sure hasn't worked for me yet where it concerns the OW.

Maybe IRL people will say just ignore it. But no one on this board is saying that. We all KNOW you cannot just ignore this.

We are saying feel the trigger and do it anyway because the cost is too great if you don't!

Geez, Mel, I don't want you to feel this hurt! I don't want you to have to endure being near OW! But the alternative is WORSE.





Quote
All of the feelings from my son's funeral and the subsequent awakening months later when the shock wore off and I realized what she had done to me have come back from just discussing this.


I am so sorry.

{{{{{Melody}}}}}



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If my son would put me through me that, then I wonder what kind of man he is.


He is a man excited about his bride and his future. He is a man who loves his mom and is trying to figure out how to do this right.

He is a man who has been forced to create a new normal because OW is still in his life.

He is a work in progress, Mel. He may not get this right. He may look back years from now and apologize for putting you in this position.

But none of that changes how important it is for YOU to REMAIN a fixture in his life. Steady...steadfast....and strong.



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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Chrysalis, you are right and my question should be what does God want from me. That is what I am working on. Does he want me to suck it up and yoke myself with evil AGAIN and set myself up for another 10 years of resentment?

I don't have time for a proper post right now, but I wanted to address this quickly...

No, God does NOT want you to set yourself up for resentment - instead He wants you to lean on HIM and trust that He meant EVERYTHING that He said and HE will be your avenger - Having faith in THAT will allow you to let go of your resentment...God has your back, Mel...

You and I can talk later if you'd like - Right now, we are out the door to meet our real estate agent...

Mrs. W



FWW ~ 47 ~ Me
FBH ~ 50 ~ MrWondering
DD ~ 17
Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered

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I don't want to have regrets, but I am sitting here with a TEN YEAR LONG RESENTMENT because I allowed myself to be disrespected 10 years ago.

Okay Mel,

I have to tell ya, when I first read this last night, my heart went out to you. It really, really did.

First off you didn't ALLOW anything back then. You KNOW this to be true. You were in a state of shock, traumatized, and just plain spent. I say this NOT really knowing YOU, but knowing how I and every other woman in the world would react to losing their child. I can't imagine. So, don't say you ALLOWED her to anything. SHE took advantage of the situation. She WILL get hers one day.....

The way you tell this Mel....its like the rape victim who has just been beaten and raped and left for dead in the back ally and the victim get upset at himself for not doing more when their attacker came back and raped them AGAIN......

I am so very very sorry....but you didn't allow her crap....you were not in a state of mind for that....I know you to be a pretty outspoken and strong woman (at least on here.... grin), but even the STRONGEST woman has moments of searing, crippling pain....

{{{{{Mel}}}}}

Not

ps...that statement is some pretty stinkin' thinkin' Mel....

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((((((Mel))))))

Tell you what...send me an invitation to the wedding. I'll come and make sure that someone introduces me to her as a member of your son's family. I would give her a big hug...and then try not to snicker as she walks around with a wide piece of masking tape, emblazoned with a huge red "A", stuck to the back of her dress!

Just another one of my evil genius ideas.... wink


"Your actions are so loud that I can't hear a word you're saying!"

BW M 44 yrs to still-foggy but now-faithful WH. What/how I post=my biz. Report any perceived violations to the Mods.
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