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kilted thrower
"I've been thinking on this thread. I'm like Melody. I wouldn't be able to go if I were in her position. To this day, my mother is still upset I invited my biological father to the wedding. I was selfish to invite him knowing that my stepfather would not come and my mother potentially wouldn't come either. And if either did come, they would be miserable.
It was very selfish of me to invite him. Over a decade later and I wish I hadn't."
Have you apologized to your M and SD?
What happened with your BD after the wedding?
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I is often said to man up, face it, toughen up, stand up for yourself. Sometimes though it is the place for other's to say sit back I'll/we'll handle this. This is the later case.
This is a situation where melody should not have to fight for her self and go to this wedding.
Her son should see that he needs to man up and fight this good fight for his mom. Just the way melody's family has circled the wagons around her.
Melody has endured enough from this OW.
Her son needs to learn what it really means to be an OW.
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Mel - I don't think after today that this is about OW anymore.
This is about your son who still hasn't outgrown that "get back at Mom for setting limits" behavior of his teenage years.
I think there is probably more heartbreak for you about how your son is acting about this, than it is about OW.
OW is a cheap piece of furniture by this point, but your son is a part of you that she's contaminated and that contamination hurts you beyond belief. That he'd prize that piece of furniture at his wedding more than having you there speaks volume to the work he has to do to be ready for a marriage vow.
I think until that contamination is cleaned up he's not good marriage material.
You and his future MIL have a lot of work to do in order to purge this future marriage of all that is bad in this young couple's world. This is probably tough to hear, but I found it really insightful and thought it might be helpful to repost it.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I think the issue of resentment does nothing more than cloud the waters (and conveniently so for waywards or those indoctrinated in the ways of the wayward mind).
If it were possible to look at the situation in the total absence of the memory of OW imposing herself at the funeral, would you plan to be at your son's wedding where OW was to be present?
The Principle of an adulterous, selfish, unrepentant, self-righteous, liar standing up and giving "blessing" to two people who are making a promise before God which she has not a shred of respect for is something you can either witness quietly or not. But being present is tacitly approving of the situation.
What does the wedding mean to your son? What does marriage mean to your son? I bet they mean different things for you than they do for him.
...Talk about the ultimate test of one's Principles...
~optimism Likewise for this post, particularly the bolded sentence. It sticks in my mind about this situation. A number of posters keep mentioning how this day is all about the son and DIL-to-be. That's so. But exactly how does the son feel about it? It's hard for me to understand his mindset, because it's hard for me to understand his history. I have some significant similarities in my history, but then I have some majorly significant differences.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Brainstorming idea, Mel; if your son has any connections to anyone else besides you where you live, hosting your own local reception for them might be a great idea, a couple weeks after the wedding. That's common in the churches in our area.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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My mother was upset the entire time and did not enjoy the wedding and almost got into a fight. My step father did not attend. KT, that is how it will be for me. When she sits up front with the family and poses for family pictures, I know myself too well and it won't be pretty. That won't be fair to my son and his fiance to put up with my wrath.Have you put it that way to your son? Phrased it as protection for him and especially his bride? I know you probably have. 
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Ya know... I was lucky in this instance.
My first husband was killed in an accident while we were separated. I had filed for divorce on grounds of gross neglect of duty....he had some piece on the side.
His family found a picture of this OW in his vehicle. They took it to the funeral home and showed each and every employee...and for good measure, other family members. This OW was not going to get anywhere near me, my family, or the funeral home.
Days later, she had the audacity to call a family member..crying on the phone....about how mean the family had been to her for not allowing her to attend.
She had arrived at the funeral home and the funeral home director took it upon himself to make sure that she didn't get in the place. She wasn't welcome there. We didn't even know that she had showed up. The funeral home was one step ahead of us. They sent her packing. She wailed that it was done purposefully to "hurt HER".
Puh-leeeeeze. Like it was ALL ABOUT HER. They told her to troll some other field...there was nothing there for her.
I am so sorry that you didn't have the protection that I did. I can imagine that your family regrets that they didn't act differently. They did the best with what they had to work with.
Kudos to them for trying to make right a wrong.
committed
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37 years ago in a little white church, my wife and I got married in a quiet ceremony with just family and a handful of friends in attendance.
The mother of the bride attended with her affair partner/husband. The Father of the bride attended with his new wife that he had married that morning in a civil ceremony officiated over by the chaplain at the base where he and his new wife were stationed about two hours away.
The "family" photos show mother and father of the bride with the happy couple and the mother and father of the groom with the couple. The rehearsal dinner included all 4 and at the reception, all 4 were in attendance.
FIL and I never discussed the event in these terms. I know there was tension, especially in light of OM being a friend he brought home to teach the kids to play the piano he bought for her and had shipped home halfway across the country.
Mel, I pray that your son realizes what he is asking you to do and that it will not become a source of pain for you both in the future.
Mark
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I am taking a break from boomwhackers and drums and dancing around (I'm teaching an arts workshop) to sat I luuuuv you Miss Melly. (You other people are okay too.....I guess)
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This is not just about son's wedding. It's about honor. I could not go in this situation if I knew that OW would be given ANY place of honor or recognition that rightfully belonged to me. Shame on her son for not honoring his mother. He WILL regret this.
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Ya know... I was lucky in this instance.
My first husband was killed in an accident while we were separated. I had filed for divorce on grounds of gross neglect of duty....he had some piece on the side.
His family found a picture of this OW in his vehicle. They took it to the funeral home and showed each and every employee...and for good measure, other family members. This OW was not going to get anywhere near me, my family, or the funeral home.
Days later, she had the audacity to call a family member..crying on the phone....about how mean the family had been to her for not allowing her to attend.
She had arrived at the funeral home and the funeral home director took it upon himself to make sure that she didn't get in the place. She wasn't welcome there. We didn't even know that she had showed up. The funeral home was one step ahead of us. They sent her packing. She wailed that it was done purposefully to "hurt HER".
Puh-leeeeeze. Like it was ALL ABOUT HER. They told her to troll some other field...there was nothing there for her.
I am so sorry that you didn't have the protection that I did. I can imagine that your family regrets that they didn't act differently. They did the best with what they had to work with.
Kudos to them for trying to make right a wrong.
committed So sorry this happened to you - but good on the funeral home and your family for standing their ground and taking out the trash. Plenty of folks could learn from their example.
Me, BW
WH cheated in corporate workplace for many years. He moved out and filed in summer 2008.
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I am taking a break from boomwhackers and drums and dancing around (I'm teaching an arts workshop) to sat I luuuuv you Miss Melly. (You other people are okay too.....I guess) Thank you, friend!  wow, commie, what a sad tragic story. And what a wonderful family you have. In my family's defense, they all claim that they didn't understand who the OW was. They thought she was a family friend. And this is believable because my mother and sister did not even know about the beat down scene until last Thanksgiving. I can't believe I never told them, but apparently I didn't. They were shocked to say the least! Mark, thanks for sharing that story. I so hope my son's wedding is not stained by this adultery. Markos, my son believes that marriage is good until something better comes along. this is what he was taught by his father.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Markos, my son believes that marriage is good until something better comes along. this is what he was taught by his father. What a tragic, tragic concept. What a failure of a father: to teach his son values that will actually BETTER his life, as opposed to potentially DESTROY it. You gonna be gifting the newlyweds with a Dr. Harley boxed set? It makes it even more important that you stand for righteousness, that you take a moral stand, that you maintain your integrity, that you don't whitewash sin. I'm sure you'll find a way to deal with this Mel. And maybe your example can serve to teach your son as he grows and this marriage grows.
Last edited by Vibrissa; 07/13/10 02:56 PM.
Me & DH: 28 Married 8/20/05 1DD, 9 mo. Just Lookin' and Learnin' HIYA!
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You would think the Texas Rangers would have some sort of service to detain ho-bags for 24 or 48 hours when needed in situations like this.
I know there is already the idea of "He needed killing" down there in TX. Isn't there a she's needs a weekend in the local jail concept for waynerds?
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You gonna be gifting the newlyweds with a Dr. Harley boxed set?
It makes it even more important that you stand for righteousness, that you take a moral stand, that you maintain your integrity, that you don't whitewash sin. That is EXACTLY how I feel, Vibrissa. He is not helped by whitewashing this situation. It was whitewashing adultery that brought him to this point. I did give him the book "I Promise You" and he knows all about Marriage Builders.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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You would think the Texas Rangers would have some sort of service to detain ho-bags for 24 or 48 hours when needed in situations like this. And not only that, but a YANKEE ho bag at that!! 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Ok just had a B#$CH thought.
Mel if POSOW is going to insist on going to the wedding, mark her chair with a bright red A......... Then make sure the ushers loudly escort her to her "SCARLET LETTER"
Ok like I said, B#$ch moment....
Me - BS Him - WS Discovery 3/26/10 NC letter mailed 5/27/10 NC letter recieved 5/29/10 My Thread Recovery may not be an option. Seriously looking a plan B/D
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Aw, heck, Eluna! I already suggested that I go to the wedding, give the skank a big hug, after which I try not to snicker as she walks around with piece of wide masking tape stuck to the back of her dress, with a big red "A" being on the tape! We have the right idea! 
"Your actions are so loud that I can't hear a word you're saying!"
BW M 44 yrs to still-foggy but now-faithful WH. What/how I post=my biz. Report any perceived violations to the Mods.
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Ok just had a B#$CH thought.
Mel if POSOW is going to insist on going to the wedding, mark her chair with a bright red A......... Then make sure the ushers loudly escort her to her "SCARLET LETTER"
Ok like I said, B#$ch moment.... Or even better, have the SEAT of the chair FRESHLY painted with a bright red A... distracting OW from glancing down before she sits...
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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I won't try and tell you what I would do, since I haven't been in your position. What I will tell you is what I believe we should use as our guideline for this, or any situation. Where our gracious presence will draw others closer to Christ and teach them of His love for us, we should be there. If our presence would give the appearance of silent (or not-so-silent) approval of sin, we should not go. No matter what the event is, or how important, if our presence there is likely to lead others to regard some sin lightly, we should stay away. IMO, while the question of how much you feel you can endure should be considered, it's secondary to the above criteria. My opinion would probably have been different pre-A, and I freely admit that. Even as a Christian who believed adultery was wrong, I could have rationalized a great deal. With the small glimpse God has given me of how heinous adultery is to Him, I can't excuse any bit of the behavior, or any acceptance of unrepentant adulterers flaunting their defiance before society and heaven. None of this is about your son or his special day. It is about right and wrong, and how you use your influence within your family. I'm so sorry you're feeling the sting of betrayal yet again.
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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