|
|
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860
Member
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860 |
(((((((((Mel)))))))))
I think Mulan had it right when she said strength sometimes can be something of a curse, b/c folks expect you to put up w/ anything because you're strong.
He's not asking his father to suck it up and keep his ho away. He's asking the strongest person to suffer.
I'm so very very sorry. Many prayers are going out for you. Excellent point.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Melody, just a thought ... don't forget that you have an account in your son's Love Bank. I know you fear for his future, and I know you worry about how his past affects him and his values, and I know you want to have influence over him. To do that, you are going to have to keep that balance high, and to do that, you're going to be stuck having to refrain from a potential Disrespectful Judgment. You know what I think? I think he is shocked that anyone would take a stand against his dad's affair because he is so accustomed to everything being swept under the rug. My family is not sweeping this under the rug. I hope it gets through to him. He has not contacted me yet since my last email and my heart is breaking.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,862
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,862 |
He has not contacted me yet since my last email and my heart is breaking. I'm so so sorry, Mel. ((((((((Mel)))))))
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 1,249
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 1,249 |
You know what I think? I think he is shocked that anyone would take a stand against his dad's affair because he is so accustomed to everything being swept under the rug. My family is not sweeping this under the rug. I hope it gets through to him. There are long-lasting consequences for infidelity. I hope he can see it too. His father was a cheater. His future FIL was a cheater. It would not be good for him to think that cheating is EVER justified. His behavior scares me for his fiancee.  I am hoping that he is just being a rebellious child where you are concerned. I wonder where he gets his stubborn streak from?  He has not contacted me yet since my last email and my heart is breaking.
Over it.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
"ouch"
I know that particular hurt.
I'm so sorry.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 129
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 129 |
I'm so sorry you are going through this! I wish I had some advice, but I really don't. I just wanted you to know I was thinking of you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357 |
I would almost rather cut my wrists than hurt my son. There is almost anything I would do for him. But being a party to the charade of honoring the OW as a honored guest is beyond my ability. Then Mel, you know what you need to do. Respect HIS day. I'll bet he is so worried about how to handle this. Be THAT Mom. Not THAT MOM.
Last edited by maritalbliss; 07/12/10 08:33 PM.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 862
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 862 |
You know this is all about perspective. Its your Son's wedding so its his perspective. How can you expect him to tell the OW that she is not invited? He has never had an issue with her before. If he does they will know it came on your orders.
You know Mel 11yrs is a long time maybe you should just suck it up and stop putting your Son in this horrible position.
My wife had this problem when we were married (her dad had an A 22yrs ago) but her mum sucked it up for her daughter. (she even had a photo with her mum and dad which meant the world to her)
After 11yrs is your hate for the OW stronger than your love for your Son?
This is all about him
Plan D June 08
Me FBS 36
W 38
Married 13/1/09
The best is yet to come, with or without your WS
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240 |
MelodyLane, you have to do what is right for you and that is IT.
As a mother of 2 boys, my heart is BREAKING thinking about this same sitch. The only family I had at my wedding was my sister and brother. NO ONE else showed up and you know what? I still had a great time. I am MAD at my uncles, who had a peace bond against my father and said they would call the police if he showed, then didn't even show themselves. I didn't even invite my parents. I walked down the aisle by myself. Until 2 years ago, I had a good marriage. It had no effect on me about what happened on that day. It was a day in my life. Just telling you about this to let you know that it IS possible to work past not going to your son's wedding. I don't believe I could go either.
We are all here to prop you up just as you have been to many of us.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING  Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357 |
I agree with this assessment. My concern for him is that he has bought into the spin that adultery is a solution to a bad marriage. That should scare the heck out of his GF, but I don't think she sees it. Did you raise a brain-dead dummy who can't observe his surroundings? I'm thinking "No". His GF? She's looking at stationery colors, not divorce proceedings. Her marital life is ahead of her, and newly's don't want to preview their potential marital demise before they've even gotten their engagement gift thank-you's out. And can we blame them? You're still swinging the big bat, Mel. And still influencing your DS and almost-DIL in a huge way. Don't live in anger and fear. Live large and love them and help them embrace their future! They will love you for it.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
My wife had this problem when we were married (her dad had an A 22yrs ago) but her mum sucked it up for her daughter. (she even had a photo with her mum and dad which meant the world to her)
After 11yrs is your hate for the OW stronger than your love for your Son?
This is all about him No, this is all about disrespecting me and his marriage. It doesn't matter if its 50 years, that doesnt make wrong right and it doesn't make it any less disrespectful. Its not about perspective, but about the truth. And the truth is that I won't be disrespected like that again. I doubt your wife's "mum" had to tolerate the OW at her child's funeral. And if she did, she has a stronger constitution than me. And I am ok with that. I know MY limits and that is what counts. Going and supporting the charade of the OW at his wedding is not "support," it is enabling. And I am not going to do it.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
We are all here to prop you up just as you have been to many of us. Thanks, Scotland. 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240 |
MelodyLane, I felt the need to defend you on this, but I knew you could handle yourself.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357 |
Just telling you about this to let you know that it IS possible to work past not going to your son's wedding. I don't believe I could go either. Sorry, Scotty, here's where we'll have to disagree: There is nothing that would stop me from being at my son's marriage. Nothing,except his non-invite, and that would kill me (like it would Mel's X, I suspect). If I had an X with a harem of dancing girls, it wouldn't matter. My love for DS is on another plane that would have nothing to do with another guest.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
[Did you raise a brain-dead dummy who can't observe his surroundings? I'm thinking "No". What he has observed is an environment where wrong is right and adultery has been whitewashed as a solution to marriage problems. If I go and say nothing then I am only contributing to that whitewash. Some may think that is a virtue, I don't. The way I feel right now, I won't be going.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
[
Sorry, Scotty, here's where we'll have to disagree: There is nothing that would stop me from being at my son's marriage. Nothing,except his non-invite, and that would kill me (like it would Mel's X, I suspect). If I had an X with a harem of dancing girls, it wouldn't matter. My love for DS is on another plane that would have nothing to do with another guest. Well good for you. I guess I am not as strong and virtuous as you.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
[Nothing,except his non-invite, and that would kill me (like it would Mel's X, I suspect). Are you under the impression that I have asked my son to disinvite his FATHER?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240 |
Just telling you about this to let you know that it IS possible to work past not going to your son's wedding. I don't believe I could go either. Sorry, Scotty, here's where we'll have to disagree: There is nothing that would stop me from being at my son's marriage. Nothing,except his non-invite, and that would kill me (like it would Mel's X, I suspect). If I had an X with a harem of dancing girls, it wouldn't matter. My love for DS is on another plane that would have nothing to do with another guest. Would it not be worse to go, and have a HORRIBLE BLOW-UP and the police get called? Not that that WOULD happen, but it most definitely COULD happen. And where do we draw the line? It is honestly a DAY in someone's life. The MARRIAGE is the important part, NOT the wedding. It is a celebration. I couldn't celebrate with OW. I LOVE my DSx2 with my LIFE. I would stand in front of a bullet for either one of them without a second thought. Going to a wedding and pretending to be happy, honouring an OW as a member of family, that is something I could NOT do. It's not about "sucking it up" and being a better person and ignoring it, it IS about standing up for what you believe is right. I didn't see ML ask her son not to invite XWH. I only saw her say that SHE would NOT attend if OW was going. If XWH decided not to come, that's HIS choice. ML will be able to live with her choice.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 862
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 862 |
I doubt your wife's "mum" had to tolerate the OW at her child's funeral. No she did not. Mel at the end of the day the answer to go or not to go rests with you and what you're comfortable with. But also beware of how your Son is going to view this. I don't envy you. Good luck
Plan D June 08
Me FBS 36
W 38
Married 13/1/09
The best is yet to come, with or without your WS
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,993
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,993 |
I disagree that you should just ignore this. That you should just tolerate this. Sin is sin - 2, 5, 10 years 100 years - doesn't matter.
The moneychangers are in the temple - you have every right to be upset, angry and to feel disrespected.
When they moneychangers were in the temple, Christ didn't walk by, afraid to stand up to them. He didn't decide to 'let it go'. He didn't try to be tolerant.
There are ways to handle this. I'm not saying cause a scene, I'm not saying make this about you. You can handle this respectfully and gracefully. You've gotten great advice on how to do that. Sucking it up isn't helpful.
If you cannot go, you cannot go. Only you can make that call. I cannot fault you for that.
ETA: For what it's worth - having been a child in this situation, it is VERY difficult, if not impossible. No matter what choice he makes, someone gets hurt. I understand the feeling of wanting the parents to just get over it and get along. However, with the perspective I have now, if my father had to sit out of my wedding I would have been able to forgive him.
My mother wound up not coming to my wedding. Our relationship has always been a bit rocky for other reasons, but I've gotten over her not being at my wedding.
Last edited by Vibrissa; 07/12/10 09:11 PM.
Me & DH: 28 Married 8/20/05 1DD, 9 mo. Just Lookin' and Learnin' HIYA!
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
0 members (),
260
guests, and
66
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
|
