Here I go again!! Back on marriage builders needing some serious guidance. I will make it quick for people who dont have time to read my older previous posts.
Me: 31
Him: 32
3 kids 9,7, 3 months
married for 9 years began dating at 15 and 16

He has had at least 3 known "flings"-all sexual. not real relationships, just some "u know what" on the side. i know there were many more.

Now...he is once again never home. has every excuse in the book to not come home. here i am again sitting here and havent seen or talked to him since Friday afternoon. This time is different because I have not called or texted him since he has left. I am sure that he will walk through that door tomorrow morning or afternoon or late evening acting as though nothing is wrong.

I have been dealing with this for YEARS!!!!! I think I am DONE! I am pretty sure i want to file for divorce. i really would like to pack his stuff now and have it waiting for him. I have been an option for him and not a priority for way too long and i cant take it.

I know that when he doesnt come home he is sleeping around and hanging out in the streets with his friends.

I just need help in the right direction. i almost dont want to "put him out" because we are in a new state where he has no family. Like I really almost feel bad for him on that end. However...i think that he can go stay wherever he sleeps when he is not here. He has no regard for me whatsoever!!!

I am afraid to do much of anything else. He can become very angry, at time violent. I have thought about what would happen if he walks in tomorrow and i tell him he has to leave and he doesnt. if i call the police what would happen??? can they make him leave?

I have thought about changing locks and packing up his stuff while he is "out in the streets" but am really afraid that he would break a window or door to get into the house.

Do I try to sell the house and get him out that way?? I know that sounds crazy but i dont know what to do.

I know i cant continue to sit here alone with the kids while he continues to disregard and disrespect me and not coming home. I have allowed this behavior to go on for YEARS. I am getting older and know i can move on....

Please help!!!!!! any and all advice needed....i cant even begin to figure this out on my own. not even to mention dealing with knowing that if he is not sleeping with me......u all know the rest.

Call a lawyer.

If your serious about fearing his abusive behaviour, call whatever the equivalent of womans refuge is there.

Also see a doctor for STD testing

What kind of support do you have (family) in this?

If you have put up with this before, what is so different about THIS time?

There are serial cheaters, and I am afraid there are serial enablers, too.

This is a side note, I have an aunt and uncle that went on this way 40 years.

So, I ask, what is different this time?

Yup. My sister went through this for 27 years w/ her WH.

My sister refused to leave him.

Their M finally ended when WH left my sister to marry OW.

I am very close to my boss. my mom is here and very few friends.

I think what is different this time is i am just absolutely fed up!! I know that I have allowed this to happen for years. I have always thrown a fit about it each and every time and call his phone all night and morning. this time....it's different. i just dont care anymore. part of me wishes that he never comes back home. I want to see the light at the end of the tunnel and as much i want that light to be that our marriage works, the light is more like my freedom.

I am sick and tired of being the one that is ALWAYS emotionally drained from our situation while he is out there galavanting the streets like he is single.

he finally called a minute ago. havent heard or talked to him since friday. i didnt answer the phone.

i refuse to do this for more years.

I just dont know what i am going to do or what to do!

MrsHatch, it is time for you to start protecting your family from this. Change the locks, pack his clothes, and put them in the driveway. Go down on Monday and file for divorce.

Once you complete these steps, I would leave him a Plan B letter and have absolutely no contact with him.

This is long overdue.

MrsH;

Have you read (recently or in the past) about Plan A or Plan B?

Do you understand the importance of them?

TJ!
Hello, MM;

Side note: How did your family deal with your sister after years of watching her accept her H's behavior?

I am going to change some of what you wrote......

It was terrible to watch. She had four kids and was convinced that the Catholic Church's policy on D was correct. Her H knew this. And took full advantage.

I eventually had to accept the fact that it was her life. But, it was sad sad sad. I always knew he'd be the one to end it. I can't possibly hate him any harder for what he did to my sister and their kids. But, I am sooooo glad he is out of her life. And so is she.

Agree 100%

"i just dont care anymore."


This time is different because:

The opposite of love is not hate. It is indifference.


I wonder if you have fallen out of love with him, due to his abuse and his affairs?


My advice:

Pack up, leave him, and never go back.


I seldom advise a divorce. However, this man is violent. There is no need for you to stay with him, with three children, in a violent relationship where you are afraid and where he might actually BREAK IN to your home and you fear him.

This is not a marriage to him. He has used you, he has hurt you, and he is a threat to you and your children.

The next time you have a chance, take everything important: vital papers (birth certs, social security cards, marriage license, passports, checkbooks, etc.) and move them to your mom's house. Move your jewelry and mementos (like photos) there as you are safe to do it, also.

Do not alert him that you are doing it, and do not tell the kids about it either.

Begin taking things like the PS3 or XBox over to hide at your mom's house - but tell him and the kids that you took them for updates or repairs. Laptops, too. If anyone asks, you have them in the shop because they needed an update, or had a virus, RIGHT????

Then, when he is "out" again - LEAVE. TAKE THE KIDS, GRAB THEIR CLOTHING, AND GO. Do not waste time leaving him a note, leave no explanation, just GO.

Your mom is the only person who must be in on this, and she must be absolutely sworn to secrecy. If she cannot be trusted, you must move the stuff to a storage unit, and then move yourself and the kids to a shelter.


You do not need to stay with this man. Your life will begin to brighten within one month of being rid of him and his garbage. While you feel you are giving up "things" - and you are - what you have to gain is


yourself and your life.


Once free of him, look for abuse hotlines, and CALL THEM. You are one step closer to finding out what it means to be a free person, in the real world, and one step closer to understanding that love does not include being hurt, being a slave, being abused, or being made to feel as though you are less than a person.

SB