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Answer me this.... I keep seeing you mention on occasion a book "Passionate Marriage". It sound interesting so I thought I'd pick it up. Well, imagine my surprise when I get to Borders and the are THREE books with that title.... "the Passionate Marriage" by Gary "Passioate Marriage" by David Schnarch "A Passionate Marriage " by Michelle Ried So my question is which one are YOU referring to? Thanks ever so much,... 
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Schnarch.
It's a tough book.
By that I mean it is very didactic, like a college level text book.
Nevertheless, it was revolutionary for me.
An approach to intimacy I never considered before.
One of his points is:
NO ONE is ready for marriage.
Marriage makes you ready for marriage.
Marriage is a "people growing" institution.
Every marriage must reach a crucible crisis in order to achieve a higher level of intimacy.
The book teaches how to " hold on to yourself" while in crisis.
Schnarch says that personal INTEGRITY is required for true intimacy.
Right now, most of my books are in storage (packing for our move) , so I cannot pull it out to get actual quotes.
My copy is highlighted everywhere and I've taken notes in the margins .... That is how you can tell the book was very important to me.
I hope this helps.
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Here is a review. Amazon.com Review
People joke that the start of a couple's marriage means the end of their sex life. David Schnarch, a sex therapist praised by Pepper Schwartz, uses epiphany-laden conversations taken directly from his own marriage and the married couples he sees in practice to help readers defy the myth that marriages are necessarily passionless, and instead prove that the longer a couple has been together, the higher the fireworks can fly. It's especially aimed at older couples who, Schnarch says, are self-actualized and therefore better able to handle intimacy than younger partners. "People have difficulty with intimacy because they're supposed to," he says, and goes on in this inspiring book to combine elements of marriage therapy and sex therapy to bring plenty of practical, fresh ideas to the crowd of mostly vapid relationship books. (Note that despite its title, it's for any emotionally committed couple, not just married folks.)
Schnarch says that a man is more likely to let a relationship suffer in order to hold on to his sense of self, while a woman is more apt to let her identity suffer to help strengthen it. Schnarch gives explicit tips on how to alter this pattern, an essential step he calls "differentiation." He also explains why compromise isn't always the best route to take when conflicts arise. The couples profiled here deal with the usual suspects: uneven sexual desire and initiation, battles about oral sex, self-image problems, the "boondoggle" of trust (both of one's self and one's partner), and the specter of divorce. Instead of focusing on each client's weaknesses, Schnarch teaches how to find inner strength and resilience that can be used to reaffirm a relationship and reignite sex. William H. Masters of Masters and Johnson fame calls this book "a classic," and no wonder. --Erica Jorgensen There are some parallels to the Harley principles of radical honesty (telling your spouse what you REALLY want) and to solve conflicts WITHOUT sacrifice (like POJA). The following quote is just so RIGHT ON ( in my opinion) as to why so many WW are harder than WH to be attracted to return to the M after their affair. .
Schnarch says that a man is more likely to let a relationship suffer in order to hold on to his sense of self, while a woman is more apt to let her identity suffer to help strengthen it The more the W made sacrifices, the tougher a WW she becomes. Interestingly enough, according to Schnarch, sacrifice is characteristic of weak integrity. I agree with that.
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Not, another thing.
I don't think this is the best book to recommend either spouse while there is an active affair.
The Harley books are way better. WAY better.
Schnarch is a good tool for recovery. Or pre-adultery.
Having said that, the way Schnarch describes early relationships as "fusion" is so EXACTLY the way an adulterous relationship operates.
The sense of self is found by approval of the adultery partner.
So, what do they do?
They become what the adultery partner is looking for.
Which, eventually, makes them less of who they really are.
Which is a HUGE sacrifice!
"Fusion" is the opposite of "differentiation" which is being true to who you are while in a close intimate relationship.
The "fusion" type relationship is like becoming Siamese twins after birth.
They feel exactly the same way as the other. They listen to exactly the same music. They think the same thoughts. That's why so many adultery relationships are self described as "soul mate".
The problems in a fusion/Siamese twin situation is that when one of the twins wants something the other does not. To tell the truth to their twin is to characterize their identical twin relationship a lie.
What to do? What to do?
The problem arrises ( at around the two year mark in many cases) when either or both of them encounters a 2 choice dilemma.
A 2 choice dilemma is when a person must choose between two imperfect solutions.
In a marriage, the 2 choice dilemma might be:
Do I tell my spouse how unhappy he/she is making me?
Do I shut my mouth and suffer some more?
The person who LACKS integrity will choose door #3 ~~~> adultery.
And, a person who has chosen door #3 previously is very likely to choose it again.
Staying true to who you really are while remaining intimate requires INTEGRITY.
And, true intimacy is not possible unless you remain true to yourself.
It is a life long process, according to Schnarch.
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The beauty of the Harley books/concepts, is that they are highly accessible. Readable without a thesaurus or a dictionary. They make sense in a linear sort of way. They offer a plan with specificity. Schnarch requires more from the reader. Schnarch is more susceptible to misinterpretation. I have a pretty high level of reading comprehension ( or, at least I used to) and I had to read some chapters more than once to really understand. So, Not, good luck with it! 
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So, Not, good luck with it! Me thinks I've been insulted......  Not
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Thank you.... I have more to say but I'm posting by phone..... Not
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Me = BW
Dday = 12/1/09
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