I want my life back and need help to get there. Here is my story and thanks all in advance for your thoughts. Married about 1 1/2 years and together for almost 10 years. Loved the dream I was living, loving husband, new, beautiful dream house in suburbs, thoughts of children in our bright future. <BR>Harassing phonecalls started in March, violent threats and indications that H was having affair. When confronted, he denied. This occured all summer long. Calls to work, cell and home phone. Throughout July, H denied all, even call that ow was pregnant. By mid-July H came clean about affair but not 100% or even 50%. Minimized true extent and still somewhat defended ow. Did confirm that ow was pregnant. Based on 2-3 times of intimate, non-condom using contact. (HIV???!!) Next few months spent working out details, trying to rebuild, but not very successfully. Still felt that H did not fully come clean. OW continued calls to me at work and was violent toward husband. Lawsuit is pending. Finally found out truth when ow sent packet full of information about extent of affair to workplace. A kick in the gut much harder then hearing original news. Hurt, devasted, destroyed, shock, disbelief. Lost weight, depressed, on meds. Filed for divorce.H wants to reconcile. How do you build up trust from great betrayal and months of lies? I read H's words to OW - can't pretend his thoughts and feelings for her did not exist. How do you forgive and move on -- and with a child in the future that is not mine? Still, through all the pain and horror, not 100% decided and need help getting back to life. Love your thoughts and support. Thanks.

Hi Life,<P>Glad to see you here, it may help you feel better whatever you decide. People here will probably be in favour of you staying in your marriage. <P>You are certainly in a painful, difficult situation, no question about that. One thing though that I could say at this point after reading a lot of your husbands posts is that he is one sorry guy, he really feels awful about all of this. On his behalf, I can bet you he would NEVER, EVER be a betrayer again if you gave him another chance. I think he learned his lesson, don't you? <P>You two have a lot of things to work out, a good councilor would be helpful, even if you did not end up staying together. Since you have such a long history together it seems like a good idea not to rush things too much.

Life,<P>Hi, I'm a betrayer like your husband. He asked me to read your post and reply.<P>Big question for you here -- do you still love your husband? If you answer yes to that, then you owe it to yourself and him to give it another try. I imagine your husband will read my response, so this is really for both of you.<P>Here's what I suggest:<P>1. Firstly, it is ok not to trust him. He should accept that as part of the package for now. And in fact, he should open himself up like a library book and hide nothing from you. No hidden email accounts, no hidden cell-phone/pager bills, etc. You should be able to call him at work any time and he should explain to you what he's doing and where he went for lunch, etc. <P>Lots of times, this is difficult for the betrayer, but it is very necessary! If he is open and honest about everything, and hides nothing from now on, the trust will eventually come back. It might not come back fully, but it will come back to an extent. It is important for you to know that you may never get that trust back fully that you used to have for him, but you can still have a good relationship if you try.<P>2. You must come to understand why the affair happened in the first place. Talk to your husband about what was missing. Talk to each other about emotional needs. These talks must be as honest as possible without any love-busting. Seriously, you need him to tell you why he betrayed you, and you cannot start screaming, threatening, being judgemental, etc. This will only close him up. It may help to print out the emotional needs questionairre on this website and answer all the questions, both of you, as honestly as you can.<P>3. Continue to take meds. Your depression will not stop overnight, and the meds will help you maintain control over your emotions, which are probably running rampant right now!<P>4. I'm not sure where your husband is in withdrawal, but it is also important to remember that he might also be depressed from that. Do not, repeat <B>DO NOT</B> be discouraged from his withdrawal and occasional distant behavior. He is trying to work everything out himself too. And also, it is important to avoid love-busting whenever possible!<P>5. Give yourself (and him) time! Time, time, time!!! I stress that alot. It is important.<P>Well, I can't think of much else to say. I'll leave more advice to the folks who have been in your position and so therefore might have better advice than I can give... <P>good luck and take care,<BR>--andy<p>[This message has been edited by airheart (edited October 25, 1999).]

Hi again,<P>Just read what I posted and it seems so inadequate, I am just overwhelmed as to what to say......but wanted to add that I am truly sorry and also recommend that you and husband get HIV tested. Very important!

Hi, Life,<BR> I'm sorry for the situation that brings you here, but glad you came here for help.<P> Yes, you have been hurt so badly. I have, too. My H didn't conceive a child with the OW with whom he had a one-night stand, but he could have, since he did bring home an STD (curable). We had, within the previous 4 years, lost two daughters at birth and had 3 miscarriages, so if the OW had become pregnant, I would really have been a basket-case. It took me 13 years to get the truth out of him, and I don't think I've got all the truth yet, as I believe he had at least an emotional affair last year.<BR> <BR>However, I know that he really wants to work on our marriage. He foolishly thought that what I didn't know wouldn't hurt me. NOT! He is finally behaving like the H that I originally married.<P>I don't know why my H felt it necessary to cheat on me 13 years ago, other than maybe he had trouble dealing with the loss of our babies, and the fact that I was trying to run a business which took up a lot of time, plus take care of our two children. I was also taking a night class a couple of times a week (at his urging). I guess he felt neglected.<P>Anyway, over the past 13 years, I think that my resentment built up to the point where I was not meeting his needs as I should have been (passive-aggressive retaliation for his affair that I KNEW he had? Maybe.). Anyway, I can understand why he may have gone looking for someone else. I'm not saying that it was right---just that I can understand how he probably felt. Actually, I felt the same way, only I didn't go out "looking."<P>Anyway, I think that what matters is how you feel about each other. Do you love him? Do you just want to throw him to the OW? Actually, I've read his posts, and I think that the OW is the <B>last</B> woman he would want to be with now. It sounds to me like your H is so remorseful and very much in love with you.<P>I would say to you: Don't do anything in a rush. Don't let other people (relatives, friends) influence your decision. If they interfere, politely tell them to butt out. Understand that the OW only wants to destroy your marriage, so don't let her get to you. She really sounds like a psycho! You need to do what <B>you</B> really <B>want</B> to do.<P>Talk to your H, and really listen to him when he tries to talk to you. Read all the concepts on this site. Yes, it will take a long time to heal and a lot of work for <B>both</B> of you, but the end result may be a stronger and better marriage than you ever could have dreamed of.<P>Communicate, communicate, communicate!!! And, check out some of the success stories here!

life...i hope you don't mind that i read<BR>your post and i wanted you to know that the only person i asked to respond was airheart...he has always provided fair and honest advice and i thought he could provide some insight...i am happy you have made it to this sight, the people here will give you tons of support, and<BR>whether we make it or not i truly want you to start feeling better...it pains me to see you in pain and know it's my fault...anyway i gotta run try and read the thread that leah wrote on all the success stories, hopefully one day we can join them...i miss you and love you very much...try to smile and have a great day...much peace and love...trying hard

Life-I can very well appreciate where you are coming from. It took my H MONTHS to come fully clean. Each time it was like a fresh wound opening up and each time I thought that I couldn't take much more. He thought he was "protecting" me by not telling me as much, but you can never fully recover until everything is out in the open, sounds like thats where you are right now.<BR>First off, I know you've probably just hit the hardest thing in your life. Decisions regarding recovery in a marriage are almost if not more important as making the vows that started you on this road. You are not in an emotionally good position to think clearly right now. You have a right to be as upset as you are but I would hold off making any kind of long term decision until you are truly sure of where you want to go. <BR>Counselling is great and you both need to get there as soon as possible. Remember to breath! I know this sounds funny but someone said to me to stop and take 3 major breaths and it was different. I thought more clearly and reminded myself of this often.<BR>Do some reading. Read "After the Affair" and do the Dr. Harley books. They will tell you that it is possible to live through this and I have to say that on our 11th month of recovery my dream is better than any one of the dreams I was living before, maybe because this time I know it's the truth and I am now living a good life. It worked for me but you need to make your own decisions and he needs to recognize that you need to as well. It sounds like he has and he is truly contrite. You have hope, but it will be up to you.<BR>If there is ANYTHING any of us can do feel free to call on us, it's not easy. It's a hard road. But looking back it was the best thing that ever happened to my H and myself.<BR>Good Luck and I will be praying for both of you! God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<P><BR>

Life: How remorseful is your H? How badly does he want to reconcile and make things work? Is he receptive to your conditions? What is your H willing to do to repair the past?<BR>I am in the same situation you are in. Almost exactly. The pain is so excruciationg, sometimes I can hardly breathe. However, we are coping, adjusting and I could not do this without my H's deep and sincere remorse and willingness to go to the ends of the earth to help me heal. We have been together twenty years and weere always so much in love. when this happened it knocked the wind out of me. Such a short fling and so much lifelong damage. How could we recover? The grace of God. Willingness to be vunerable to eachother and to choose to trust each other even though I was betrayed and lied to. Even though he broke my heart and ruined our lives forever. Because he wasn't in his right mind and our marriage was going through some changes and his coping skills are pathetic. He has no excuse for what he has done, just as your H has no excuse. Mine pleads demon alcohol and went through treatment, stopped drinking and has no contact with OW or OC and we will only send a check every month until she marries.<BR>All in all, it has been worth the effort for me because in my H I see a new maturity and sensitivity I have never seen before. A new tenderness and compassion for me and making me his #1 priority. It feels wonderful in spite of the waves of sadness that sweep over me many times a day. They say that sometimes the marraige will recover from this and be better than before, better than you can imagine, if you can believe that. I do. It's happening for me. And I wish it for you.

<P>Where to start. The advice to breathe is a good one. I try to start at the beginning and remember the love I once felt. After all this, I don't know anymore if I love H or the package we had. He certainly killed me brutally and slowly. I know he is remorseful and sorry. I truly believe he loves me. Sometimes though I think he loves me because to be with ow would cause H and his family shame. To love me and be with me gives him a level of respectibility and achievement that he would never have with her. I don't know if I believe his words because for 6-8 months, he lied and lied and lied. He wrote words to OW in a card that should have been written to me. If he felt this way, why didn't he leave me? Is it possible to be in such another world that you don't remember what you wrote to a lover? I have a hard time believing that H was in a fog for months. Or insane even. I respect and appreciate thoughts of those in my boat - but this happening after one year of marriage - is there anyone really in my boat? A pregnancy too? H was so careful to use protection with me? How can I forgive or understand why he didn't with her? We are both in therapy and trying joint for the first time. I am afraid it will be one more voice in my head ...I don't know if I can take it. Sorry for the ramble but thank you for the vent. Keep thoughts coming. They really help