I am new here and I'm glad to have found this site to vent. The D-day is June 27, 2010. He claims nothing ever happened. According to their emails it has been going on since Dec 2009 and how happy they are with the progression of their relationship. I know this OW and her husband. H and OW work together. H is a frequent guest at their house but not me. He brought me their once. Last time I saw the OW was over drinks and she told me how H talks about me a lot.The lies and deception right under my nose.
I confronted him and called her. I tracked her husband and told him. He has been suspecting them for a while but no proof so I sent him a copy of their emails. He was devastated and he asked me for my H cell number and they met. I do not know what transpired in that meeting. The OW's husband has not emailed me since. My last email was asking him what happened.
Now, the aftermath. H tells me that it's over, he loves me and is willing to try to make our relationship better. I don't really see the effort. No apologies was offered. No remorse or guilt feeling whatsoever.
Another D-day for me is yesterday when I checked his phone records. They are still in communicating as before just deeper underground.
After a few days of D-Day and losing 10 lbs in 7 days. I sent H an email saying how hurt I was but would not interfere with his happiness. I asked only one thing is for him to be truthful to himself. If his heart belongs to the OW then by all means good luck to both but if he telling me that he loves me and if his intentions are based on lies in fear of retaliation( I threatened to expose them at work) I beg him to let me be. His reply was, "I don't want out ten years to simply be a memory. I love you..blah blah..
Ok. There it is out of my chest. I need help.

Mavic,

I am sorry you are going through this. But you have found a good place to be. There should be some very experienced vets along soon.

Start by reading Scotland's thread for the newly betrayed. Get a copy of Dr. Harley's book, "Surviving an Affair" and read it. Take a took at the articles on this site - especially about Plans A and B.

There is hope here. The affair is continuing because there is continued contact at work. In my case, my H's affair was with a co-worker. He wanted to remain friends, wanted to be able to talk to OW about professional business, etc. In order for recovery to begin, there must be no contact between the affair partners. The affair went underground because your H wants both you and the OW (called cake eating here).

By the way, every time I found out about contact between H and OW, I called the OWH to tell him. There were several instances when my H would tell me about contact, and then I would get right on the phone to OWH.

Hang on tight. You are in for the rollercoaster of your life.

Good luck to you.

AM

Sorry you are here but welcome to MB.

As you have learned, as long as your H works with OW, you will experience dday over and over again. The A works like an addiction on the brain and your H and OW just glancing at each other will trigger the addictive thoughts and feelings and make R impossible.

For now, I would stop trying to reason with your H. It is the equivalent of trying to reason with a crack addict who is still taking hits off the crack pipe. He's going to lie and say what he needs to to keep the M and OW in the picture.

Do you have kids? if so, how many and how old? Who else have you exposed to? Did you update OWH to the recent contact you discovered?

Hang in there!

Some reading for you to get started on:

Carrot & Stick of Plan A
Read my lips: No Contact Means No Contact

mavic,

First - without warning your WH or the OW - call your parents, your WH's parents, and the OWH. Expose this affair in this way:


"I recently discovered an affair between OW and my H. I am devastated by this affair, and my H has professed to love me. At this point, I am asking my friends and relatives to please help by supporting our marriage. You can do this by discouraging H from any type of contact with OW. Please don't allow OW in your circle, and please encourage H to return to our marriage completely committed to eliminating her from any type of friendship forever, so we can get back on track. I believe in our ability to repair this, but not without your support and love, and not with OW in the picture in any form whatsoever. I hope I can count on your love and support."


Do not badmouth your WH or OW in any way - this will automatically get back to your WH. Don't namecall. Just ask for support of the marriage, and ask that they urge your WH to cut off all types of communication forever with OW so that your marriage can recover.


That is essential to be the first step in your marital recovery. You CAN recover the marriage. You CAN get through this affair.

Your husband will be angry that you exposed this affair to his friends and family. Your marriage will survive his anger. It will not survive the lingering and ongoing presence of the OW in your lives.

Keep telling him that - tell him that your marriage will survive his anger, his affair, but it will not survive with the OW in the marriage in any way, shape, or form. Period.


If they work together, your husband MUST begin looking for another job if you expect for this marriage to work out. Otherwise, you will be constantly upset and worried that he is contacting her daily at work. And, rightly so. He will be tempted daily, and ultimately NO CONTACT will be broken.


Once your WH has agreed to eliminate the OW from his life, he must write a letter of NO CONTACT, you read and approve the letter, and YOU SEND IT. Do not rely on him to call or email her. That is garbage, as you can tell. They break that type of no contact almost immediately, because it is a lie, that they plan anyway.

You need him to implement rules of "Extraordinary Precautions" - you can find these on a thread here. They are rules such as giving you passwords to his cellphones, email accounts, etc., allowing you to randomly check on him, and understanding the difference between privacy and secrecy - so that he now lives his life as an open book for you. It also is a plan of action that he must take in order to prevent any future contact, and also reduce possible future affair behavior.


You have a long road ahead of you. First things first: EXPOSE THIS AFFAIR TO YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS. Affairs thrive in secrecy, and they die in the light of day - when others judge and consequences abound. Do not warn. Get on the phone and email right now, and expose this affair. Let those cockroaches scatter, and be prepared for his anger.

When he comes at you with his anger, you say:

"I am doing whatever I can to save my marriage, and my love for you. I know we can get past your affair, and rebuild our marriage. There are methods, and I know I can forgive you."


Repeat, repeat, repeat.


SB

We were both married previously with kids but we have none. I tried contacting the OWH but no reply. I have not told anyone else but the OWH. I am writing a list of who I should contact at their work place. OW's brother works there, too and a friend of H.

I'm feeling sick that it's not over

I feel like in a verge of a breakdown as tomorrow is Monday=workday. I'm going to feel like this on weekdays. Weekends are only the times I have with H. He locks his cell phone all the time but I can see the phone records. Runs to the store to sneak a call to the OW. OMG! I am so upset that after I told OWH that he will do his part to make sure the affair ends!

I feel like just giving up...

Your feelings will be all over the map.
That is expected.
Do not make any life altering decisions while you are still in crisis and in shock.

If you are not eating/sleeping , make a doctor appointment.
Ask for help with depression//anxiety/sleep, whatever is bothering you.
You should also have yourself STD screened.
Tell WH no sex until he has stopped screwing OW and has tested negative for STDs. For some dang reason, waywards never use condoms.

It is also "normal" to vacillate between wanting OUT and wanting to restore the M.

It is called a roller coaster ride for a reason.

Read the link in my sig line.
Ask questions after reading.

Welcome to MARRIAGE BUILDERS .

I am concerned that OW is intercepting the emails you have been sending to OWH. It would be strange for him not to respond after he agreed to be your allied, no? Do you have a direct cell # for him or the phone # to his work place?

Don't despair yet. Exposure is your friend and will help to bust up the A. I will try to find the letter that has been posted to send to the workplace. Please be sure to include WH's children in the list of people to expose to.

Hang in there!

Developed by Brits Brat, board member and corporate attorney

To Whom It May Concern:

This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your Company's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.

WS and WS are involved in an extramarital affair that is taking place, primarily, in the workplace. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims this situation presents, it also involves the inappropriate use of company resources and assets. WS and WS are using company time and company resources to further their affair. If you check the call histories on their office and cell phones along with their workstation computers, you will find the two of them are spending an inordinate amount of what should be productive work time to further their sexual relationship.

If you have any questions, please call me at xxx-xxxx. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.

Regards,

BS

Affairs thrive on secrecy so it is important to make sure everyone knows about the A.

In addition to the workplace exposure, we've got:
~ OW's brother & H's friend (both also at workplace)
~ your children
~ both sets parents
~ siblings
~ any friends of your M that could put pressure on your H to end his A

Trickle exposure isn't going to do the job. A nuclear exposure (everyone on your list, all in one day) is what will send a shock wave through the A.

And please keep in mind that the more angry and upset your H is over your exposure = the more damage you have inflicted on the A. So him being angry is a good thing ~ that means that the exposure is working. Tell yourself this over and over again.

Hang in there!!

SusieQ and AM, thanks so much for listening. I will make an appointment to see a doctor and hoping to get something to help me relax and sleep.
I don't want to feel like this anymore. I'm so exhausted emotionally.

Update-
I have told my nephew about it. They are good friends. My nephew is upset that I am still with the "scumbag" and wants me to leave him. My nephew is upset how this A is affecting me.

Sometimes I feel like I need some closure to move on instead of putting up with the lies and deception. I went through the medicine cabinet that looks like a pharmacy( his meds) and found/hidden a couple of bottles of Extenze and other male performance supplements. This is just killing me because it is not for me.

EXPOSE EXPOSE EXPOSE!!

If you are telling your nephew...then tell EVERYONE!

The affair will still continue if you do no expose.

Do a full nuclear exposure today. Do not delay. Every day of delay creates more problems for you.


And, get out a paper plate and some glue. Take the pills he bought and glue them into the words:

I EXPOSED YOUR AFFAIR TODAY.

on the paper plate.

That ought to make certain he knows that you and everyone else have had enough.


SB

Awesome suggestion! That should be one for the records book.

I agree, get on the phone NOW, TODAY, and start your exposures! If OW has FB, get a list of her "friends" and start exposing to them. The more you expose, the better, but it all must be done at the same time to have the desired effect... to greatly damage the affair. You're not doing it to be vindictive, but to fight the AFFAIR.

Oh, and whatever you do, please don't tell your WH about this site just yet. It's your secret weapon to fight this thing.

Welcome to MB, I'm so very sorry that you find yourself here, but I hope you can begin to see that the many people who will talk to you on here have the experience and very similar feelings of understanding and so can walk with you through this hand in hand.

It was so hard for me to know where to start, what to do, what not to do because I was so concerned on how it would affect everyone around me. I found the very first thing I needed to do was just simly realize that I was involved in a war for my M, that I had come upon something I was ill equipped to handle and I needed help showing me how and what to do every step of the way.

I believe I was led to this website and it was here that I began to learn about A, learn what drove them, learn what I could do to fight for my M, and learn that everything I was going through wasn't although unique for my situation, it wasn't special.

Please stop listening to anything your WH is saying. If you have any knowledge of addiction, he is involved in one to the highest degree and he is no longer your H, but a monster who will lie, cheat, steal and do whatever to get that HIGH that his A is bringing him.

This is full of what we call here, wayward crap. He is living in a fog that blocks any reasonable judgement of making sound decisions. He will tell you one thing, then lie because he wants that high.

I would suggest that you stop feeding this A in a few ways. Don't offer to walk away from your M, he'll take it and run with it in his twisted sick mind today. Start telling everyone, I mean everyone about the A. So many have mentioned that A thrive on secrecy and you want to stop any "fantasy" that they believe is happening. Learn to speak his fog babble crap by learning about reverse fog talk.

In the beginning of D-day, and for a long time after, I listened to what my WH said as the gospel. 18 months after D-day, almost a year of Plan B and one break up later, we began to work things out and as time has gone on, it has simply astounded me how true to the "fog" my H was. My situation was as hopeless as anyone's. You can recover your M, you can build it into something amazing, but that can't and won't happen until the OW is TOTALLY out of the picture. Exposure is the first step to that.

Losing weight is absolutely normal for many on here,in fact I lost 87 lbs. We call it the infidelity diet. It was taught to me that I have suffered a MAJOR TRAUMA and that I needed to be gentle with myself. Take it one day at a time, for me it was literally one second at a time, and trust a G-d if you have one. I learned he didn't take me anywhere that he wouldn't get me out of.

You have come to a very safe, understanding and knowledge place. You can walk through this... You really can..

And don't discuss it with your WH prior to doing it. Just DO IT. If you tip your hand about exposure, your WH & POSOW will have time to spin the exposure and make you look like a nutcase. ("Oh, BW? Yeah, she's going through menopause/midlife crisis/estrogen therapy - she thinks every woman who looks at her H is out to bed him, hahahaha.")

Don't threaten your WH with anything. Read everything you can on here and listen to what we suggest, even when it sounds counter-intuitive. Don't tell your WH about this site or the info we give you. I hate to sound cloak-and-dagger, but a lot of exposures have been damaged by telling the WS about it before doing it, giving them ample time to plan a defense and go underground with the A. You want them to be caught with their proverbial pants down.

Finally, remember that you can't reason with a wayward. They are addicts. They will take anything you say and turn it around to help their addicted cause.

Welcome, and I'm sorry you had to come here. We'll help you.

There are very few people outside of MB that will support reconciliation in your marriage. You have to decide what is best for you, and stick with the end goal in mind. I decided that my end goal was to do my best to fix myself, and my marriage. Having a goal in my mind helped me keep my head up, and listening to the advice on this board helped me obtain my goal.

I know the turbulent emotions that you are having, and it is really hard to see any other way than an exit out of the marriage. Make a goal for your marriage and anchor yourself to it so these turbulent times do not effect you as much.

Also whatever your decision is you need to expose this affair. The excitement of the secret is a major part of the affair addiction, exposing the secret kills the addiction.

Exposure the affair to your H family, church leaders, whoever might be influential in his life, and seek positive support from your friends. These are the first steps.

*snort*