Looking for some insight. I am in the middle of my divorce,that I started. But now am having alot of second thoughts on. It all started with me having a affair four years ago. I fell in love with other woman,you know the story. My wife took me back after I asked her to. I ended it with other woman with no contact letter,and didn't talk to her,write her or phone her. But she was always on my mind. My wife did all the right things,but it seemed that I just found myself being so annoyed at her for little things. But all the while still thinking about other woman. I then started to google her name just to see? Dumb big time,but I wasn't feeling like I thought I should with wife. This went on for over a year. Then last July I couldn't take it anymore and did some stuff that made her ask me to leave. So I happly moved out. And then contacted long loss lover.....who just happened to be still intrested,or so it seemed. We started seeing each other and I thought this was it,I had found the ONE. Then I filed for divorce in Oct of last year.Well it seems that she was also in love with another guy,but really liked me too. So like a big fool, I keep seeing her think that the Love I had for her would prove that she should be with me. Didn't work....she just wanted to be friends,but perhaps things would change with other man as he wasn't quite what she wanted.But she enjoyed hang out with me. So again me big fool kept it up....all the while Wife was still willing to take me back ( she must be a saint) So I have finally seen this woman who I had convinced myself was the ONe, doesn't want me . So now being the sad broken hearted loser, I think I should go back to my wife and stop the divorce. I know she loves me, she has put up with all my crap. But I am not sure if it is me just being selfish or do I think I can really let this OW go and do the right thing?? Sorry this was so long winded. Any help would be great. I want to do the right thing for myself but also for wife. I found myself thinking about her alot over the last couple of months. I don't want to make a mistake that I am going to regret.

You use the term NC. Does that mean you are familiar with MB concepts?
How familiar? Have you read SAA?

The path back to a wonderful marriage (if that's what it was, and if it wasn't it could be in the future), is strict, narrow, and arduous.

If you have the desire, the program is here. You're coming at this from an angle we're not used to seeing; that could be in your favor. If you could get your unfortunate BW on board here (highly suggested), you have a chance. That's just a start. Plan on getting MB phone counseling (use the money you would have spent on lawyers).


Who? Your Betrayed Wife? It's no wonder. She sounds like a saint. Especially compared to the skank that decided to bed down with a married man, twice. Consider yourself lucky she's giving you the time of day. And plan on some vitriol: we come down on waywards pretty hard around here. But don't worry, I was wayward, I took a beating, and survived a better man for it.

keep us posted, and break up your paragraph some for us old fogies with 40 yo eyes.

~Optimism

I'm wondering if you are truly at the point of being remorseful for your betrayal and adultery against your wife and are willing to do whatever it takes to restore your marriage?

OR, are you just kind of at this place of 'thinking about your wife lately' because you've basically failed at the other relationships you pursued?

How are you going to convince your wife that you aren't just coming back to her as a sort of 3rd choice by default???

It sounds like you went out of your way to be with just about anyone BUT your wife...what's changed except for the fact that you were dumped by OW???

I'm really torn. Saving the romantic relationship between two married people is important to me. And your wife has the right to make her own decision. Those two items are in the column of asking her to take you back.

On the other hand, there is something really wrong with using people because you don't want to be alone, and there is nothing worse than giving someone false hope. That is in the column of you don't deserve a third chance.

Folly, you really need to examine your heart and pray on this. One thing to do would be to imagine the OW calling you up and telling you she realizes it was you she was supposed to be with all the time. What would you do? How would you feel? What if she called you two or three times begging? What then?

Think on it and pray on it.

It would be in your wife's interest to pursue the divorce with you, IMO. You are extremely wayward and are not marriage material. At the very least, she has a right to know everything you have told us here. Does she KNOW about this new OW? Does she KNOW that you still have feelings for this woman and that she is the default position? Becuase that is her RIGHT to know.

Does she know everything about all your creepy affairs?

Even so, I think you would be doing your wife a favor if you went forward with the divorce.

NOW, if you ever got your crap together, you might become marriage material in the future, but any woman who gets stuck with you will be the loser in that deal. You have horrendous boundaries that will destroy any relationship you are in.

And for most women, their love is contingent upon the respect we feel. I don't see how any woman could feel respect for you given your weaknesses. And these are very unmanly weaknesses.

Until you develop sane boundaries that would support a decent relationship, you are not safe for any woman.

So, please, if you love your wife, do her a favor and let her go. Let her find a real man who really is marriage material.

Have you been tested for cooties? As much as you cat around, I would be fearful you could be diseased. Have you been tested?

I think THAT'S the piece that's missing here.

He talks of his love for both OW, he talks about how much his wife still loves HIM, but no mention whatsoever about his love for his wife.

Sid & Mel, I think it's the same OW; not that it matters much. And there is plenty of other info left out, e.g. "did some things that....," and no mention of whether there are any kids.

You guys have read enough initial posts to pick up on the subtleties of missing info and what it could (or usually does) imply. That's amazing.

Mel, out of curiosity, does your approach with 4folies change if there are kids?

~optimism

Oops, my bad. Somehow reading the post it sounded like there were two different OW.

Still seem to be missing any statements of true remorse or genuine love for his wife VS his wife just kind of being the backup plan after the A didn't work out as he had planned.

If there are kids, it is even more important for her to get away from him until he gets his crap together. He is dangerous to her as he is now. She should be in a strict Plan B at the very least until he commits to the marriage. And if he doesn't ever commit to the marriage, which isn't now, then she is better off getting divorced.

thanks for the upfront in your face opinions! It is not a new woman, it is the same woman from earlier on. And yes I have talked to wife about it and she knows. She is the one who said I should come on here. I have read the dr.'s book before and I am rereading in now. Yes there are kids, only one is at home. I feel a strong contection with my wife. Whenever we talk on the phone it just feels right. But I don't want to put her through more heartache. But I don't want to make a big mistake even more of a mistake. Thanks again.

What would you do to rebuild your marriage? What are you willing to do to affair-proof your marriage? What are you willing to do to help your wife heal from the overwhelming trauma that you have single-handedly caused her and your children? How long are you willing to do these things? Are you willing to do whatever it takes for as long as it takes to help heal your wife? What if she never recovers? Then what? You need to think long and hard about what you have destroyed before you go back for another round of potential destruction. You treated your wife like garbage and put her out to the curb - twice. If you are not willing to lead the recovery and do whatever it takes for as long as your wife needs you to do it, then leave her alone! You don't deserve another chance. You have no idea the damage that you have done to your poor wife. You broke the trust of the mother of your children. You promised to love her forever and forsake all others. She believed you. You were a liar and a cheater. Your lust was more important than your word, your honor, and your family commitments.

If your wife wants you back, you need to have a plan. If she doesn't want you back - LEAVE HER ALONE TO RECOVER

There are former adulterous spouses on this forum that have been working their butts off for YEARS to recover their marriages. It takes a long time to rebuild trust once you have committed the ultimate act of betrayal.

Are you prepared to NEVER have any contact with your adultery partner ever again so long as you are breathing? Never see her again? Never hear her voice again? Never write her another email, letter, or text? Never ask about her again? Never search for her on the internet? Never look at her picture again? Are you willing to tell your wife everything that she wants to know about the adultery? Are you willing to never put yourself in a position to commit adultery again? How did this happen to begin with? What allowed you to betray your wife, your family and your vows? Will you put up precautions to prevent a reoccurence?

Okay, I think I get it. Thanks Mel for the clarification. If she doesn't have the where-with-all to get into a Plan B herself, then he, using MB principles would write a Plan B letter ("I'm sorry I've done this to you, I can't see you until I get my act together, I can't put you through any more pain") and execute it from the WS's perspective.

Just never seen that here before.

opt

Not sure what you mean by this, 4year. If you mean going back to your wife without a full 100% commitment, then ya, going back would make a bad situation worse.

Gee, I wonder why. She's stood by you through sickness and in health. She's honored her end of the commitment you BOTH made on your wedding day. She's raised your kids while you were out CHEATING on her. She's trusted that you've been telling her the truth while you've been either directly lying or lying by omission. You've humiliated her. ...And she sticks around.

I just hope she is getting the help she needs.


I agree with MelodyLane. Plan B yourself and get your head straight; without OW or any other 'distractions.' Contemplate what you're throwing away. But don't go back until you're ready to jump in with both feet - your BW doesn't deserve any more punishment. Quite the opposite.

opt

I noticed that when the posting got in your face, you disappeared. If you can't take our questions, how will you face your victim? How will you handle the pain that you have inflicted on your wife? You can't just go home because she is willing to take you back and it is comfortable. It won't be comfortable at home for a long time if you return. What you have received here is nothing compared to the devastation that you have caused at home. Do not toy with your wife anymore. If you are not prepared to be an honorable strong fierce warrior for your marriage, you would be better off scurrying back into hiding.

My4yfolly,

There's a lot of talk that goes on in these boards. What you do at the end of the day has to do with your values. It's up to you if you're going to live by what you believe to be good, noble, and true, or whether you're going to be trapped and become a slave to your emotions.

If you believe that marriage is something beautiful, sacred, and worth fighting for, then stop letting your emotions make a wet rag out of you and get some self control. You can nurture feelings of passion and love and commitment and belonging with almost anyone, as well as with your wife. If you're willing to commit to it, love makes all things new. This isn't about your feelings, it's about who you are as a person. Who you want yourself to be. Do you respect yourself? Are you proud of who you are deep down? Doing the right thing is about doing it for yourself, not just for someone else.

Love can be rebuilt. Naysayers abound, but love is the only thing that matters at the end of the day. Admit your faults, be willing to experience compassion and mercy as you humble yourself, be patient as your wife goes through the process of learning how to forgive and trust you again, and you will have a garden that the fruit cannot be destroyed. The new love that will build will be like no other. This exists and is possible, if you want it and are willing to commit to the transformation of your character. Inside of you is a person who has the capacity to do all these things, to be a person you truly admire, and who your wife will admire.

Don't give up on yourself, first, and second, don't give up on what you believe is good and worth fighting for.

On this road, we find out who we truly are, and it is more than we think it is.
All things are possible if you believe.

My4yfolly, I don't look down on you because of your mistakes. Any of us can make mistakes. Please don't listen to judgment from others and don't believe the lie that you are somehow worth less as a person because you have done things you are not proud of. Every one of us has done things we are not proud of, and before God, none of us stands pure in our own merit.

If you want forgiveness, God will grant a clean slate to you. That clean slate will enable and empower you to live free of all the emotions and desires that control you. In your own human power, apart from God, you will never be able to "earn" forgiveness, as some propose, so don't buy into that lie. You will spin your wheels more and more, and feel more powerless to change things.

It feels awful to feel driven to do things that you are not proud of. I know, because I've made my share of mistakes. Your power to live a life you are proud of will not come from your effort, it will come from asking God for help. He will hear you and he will help you.

Please please please don't become discouraged by people who speak harshly to you. You are worthwhile and God can make all things new. I have seen it in my friends' lives, and for one girlfriend, right in the middle of divorce proceedings. I have seen marriages made new after affairs, so please don't believe it is impossible. God redeems the lives of those whom everyone else has cast away. He has a future for you.