I'm lost on what is going on here. No separation agreement, no Plan B and you pick up his mess? How long are you willing to live like this? Sorry if my words sound harsh but this sounds like hell.

Yep, it ain't no picnic. I told him the other day that he needed to give me money outside of my household budget so I could go on a vacation, also. Like he does, using money outside of our shared checking account. He has other funds he draws from for his fun. I don't have "other" funds. Basically he does not keep his business and personal expenses "separated" properly in my thinking.
He uses what he wants when he wants - changes the rules as he goes for his convenience.

Yep, it ain't no picnic. I told him the other day that he needed to give me money outside of my household budget so I could go on a vacation, also. Like he does, using money outside of our shared checking account. He has other funds he draws from for his fun. I don't have "other" funds. Basically he does not keep his business and personal expenses "separated" properly in my thinking.
He uses what he wants when he wants - changes the rules as he goes for his convenience.

Lost a long post to explain his latest move and reassure you I do have a plan B and enforced it recently. I am moving another step away from him and what I have been "mommying" for him.

So, almost 3 1/2 years post DDay, 18 mos. of MC with Steve Harley, failed R, 18 mos. of separation and the OW gone and now married to someone else.....
Leaves me with these thoughts.

Seems there are 2 schools of counsel:

1) Wait and trust for R, honor marriage covenant. WS is "screwed -up" - wait for them to straighten out and break out of the fog and decide they want marriage with you . No expectation of "work" on self or marriage. Somehow, you just "get back together and pick up where you left off. (I don't want to pick up where we left off or in any way have the same kind of marriage we had pre-A that led to the A.)

2) Don't expect WS to "change" to save your marriage. They are the way they are. No amount of counseling, self-work or act of God will change that. They have their dysfunctions that created the need for an A. They will never change, address or want to work on the core issues that could reconcile the marriage. You can not expect that. Accept that they are that way and cut bait and "move on" to find someone else who "will appreciate you, jewel that you are."


People, and these are people of my Faith, seem to have the two viewpoints and encourage me accordingly.

I don't want to take back the same person and have the same dysfunction in my marriage simply to "save" a marriage - full of unhappiness and play-acting (on my H's part).

If I stipulate "demands" - I will consider R if this and this is in place, or you/we will do/go this and that, etc. - then we are asking/expecting them to change which runs counter to the thinking of "you can't change them, can't expect them to change, if you want them/marriage, then just accept them/things how they are."

I feel damned if I do and damned if I don't. Counselors and friends feel I am foolish to not have divorced already.

Counselors and friends feel I am foolish to not have taken him back already.

How can there be such disparate views and approaches to handling As?