Folks in the MB 101 suggested I move this thread to Surviving an Affair/Military Marriages and I hope that Someone can give me some advice on how to proceed. I apologize in advance for the very long post.

I am 41 and my WAH is 48. This is his second marriage and my first. We have been together for 11 years and married for almost 6 years (anniversary is July 17th). My H walked out on me on Christmas Eve. He packed up after I left for work that morning and has not returned. He says he has been unhappy for some time and that when he thinks about us, he continues to come to the same conclusion - he feels he wants a divorce and that's how he feels. He loves me and cares about me, but does not �feel� he wants to be with me.

Well let me give you a bit more of our story. Early last year, I began to notice unusual changes in my WAH behavior/actions. While he was undressing for bed one night, I notice that all of his chest hair was gone - I mean completely gone. I inquired about what happened he said that he got Alase surgery earlier that day and I asked why, he said because he wanted to. I asked why he didn't discuss it with me, he said, "I didn't want you to talk me out of it". He began shopping at I would call "teen" retail stores. Now granted, he lost weight earlier in the year, but when he has lost weight before, he never did any of this. In addition, he began "hanging out" at Happy Hour more than usual. I couldn't even get him on his cell to find out when he would be home for dinner.

Well, our anniversary rolls around and I wanted to plan a big night for us, but he kept avoiding my questions about dinner. I spent my anniversary alone at home crying the entire night. He arrived home around 9 with no explanation. A big argument ensues and he just shouts down, as usual.

One week after our anniversary I traveled out of town for my sister�s college graduation. I had some suspicions when I couldn�t reach my husband to say good night (the night before the graduation ceremony). I decided to fly home right after the ceremony (one day earlier than planned) and discovered my WAH car in garage, but no husband upon my arrival at 12 midnight. I waited, slept, waited, slept and finally got up around 8 am. Within the hour, my husband was dropped off by OW in grey Mercedes. I was so incredibly angry. I walked out of my house, confronted him (he was COMPLETELY shocked to find me home) and slapped him. I would have never done that but I was so hurt and knew that he was planning on lying to me about his whereabouts if I had returned on the day I had planned. He immediately began telling me that nothing happened between and that they spent the entire evening outside a local bar front and just talked. I told him to leave and that if that was the kind of woman he wanted, he could just leave.

He then told me he would not leave me for her. He was so concerned that I was going to tell his family, friends and work (because I discovered the woman worked under his leadership � and he places such high regards for ethics � HUH!!!). He was nice for a while. He is a reservist, so soon after he had to travel overseas for his annual tour. When he returned, things appeared great. We were intimate, spent evenings preparing great meals and had movie nights. I then asked him to g to MC. Boy, I should have checked references on that therapist. Initially, he did not want to go and indicated to me that I would be disappointed, because the MC therapist would only point out my flaws and problems. Well, we stopped seeing the MC therapist after 5 visits.

Well, that is how he manipulated the conversation. See, my WAH doesn�t believe he has flaws or faults. Can you believe it? I have never thought or acted on breaking my vows to my husband because I believe that marriage is a covenant and before we got married, we had conversations about this and thought that we understood one another and were both committed to the marriage.

He was such an understanding husband before summer of last year � or at least I thought. I really believe my husband is experiencing a crisis in his life because at least during one of our MC sessions, he indicated that he �gave up on his life� and that there were things he wanted to do. He would not comment on why he believed he gave up nor did he give any insight into what he wanted to do with his life. With the Alase surgery, teen clothing and what he calls his �emotional affair� with the OW, I know he is seeking to find what he wants and believes I am hindering his happiness.

I think my husband is really hurting, but he does not want help from anyone who truly loves him. He even said that he did not �give a damn (excuse language) about his family or his best friend thoughts or their input�. He was told last year that he was the �bottom of the barrel� by his boss in terms of his performance which was huge blow to him. He has completely shut everyone out who cares. He doesn�t answer his phone; he prefers to text � limited words however. I know where he is staying, but it hurts that he has shut me out and refuses to listen or even hear what I have to say. He just says divorce. On top of it all, he was deployed to Afghanistan at the end of April 2010 and I still cry from time to time. I worry about is safety.

I cry from time to time because I love my husband deeplyand I am so hurt that he does not even want to talk about options. He only sees the world from his eyes and can never be wrong about any decision because (in his mind) to be wrong is to fail. I am not sure how I help or get him to see other perspectives and that life is not so black and white. You don�t give up your wife and life without a real attempt. I love him very much. He says he does feel happy when he is with me. But he cannot tell me why.

Please I need your help to put my current situation into perspective. Thank you all in advance

Dest,
I would encourage you to read the other posts in the Military forum if you haven't already and read the Newsletter Forum. I believe you'll find some very good advice from other military wives and Harley. I think being away in the military puts extra strain on a marriage. It's easier for couples to become detached from each other and then the marriage doesn't look or feel like what the person wants.

Gg

:(I am really sorry all this has happened to you. My husband of 31 years is retired from the Army, has been awhile, this war was not going on when he retired.

I have had years of waiting while he was gone. And mine cheated on me when I had cancer treatment, then moved us, then deserted me. He had many of the signs yours is showing. To this day he doesn't answer when I call. He deserted me in January. I am devastated. Mine cut off all contact with us, including our daughters that are in college.

I really think you need to brace yourself and pray. Mine, with all our years, it does not look good.

I will say one thing, there is a book by Dobson called Love Must Be Tough. I suggest you get it. I think you have what it takes to do what the book says, and it may save your marriage. Most important don't contact him at all, don't.

Don't tell him about the book.

Be strong, get that book.

Teresa

Teresa,

I see this is your first post. I am sorry this has happened to you. How are you and your family doing? Did your husband leave you because of an affair he was having? Is he living with another woman?

AM

Thank you very much Teresa. I am so sorry that this has also happened to you. I understand and empathize completely. I will check out that book. I did not contact him and was attempting to have no contact with him as long as he was still communicating with the OW.

I wanted to give everyone and update and to see what advice you can provide based on it.

I am in Plan A. I spoke to my Husband on Thursday. He sent me an email that morning and asked if he could call and when. Well, he called me and told me that he was very lonely and had been thinking about me. He was concerned that I wasn't answering his calls on purpose. I told him that I could not engage in any discussion with him as long as he was involved with someone else. He did not respond and basically (as I thought) ignored what I said and asked me how I was doing. We spoke for a bit and we wished each other well and hung up. Later that day, I received another email from him thanking me for talking and that he would call me on Friday. He did, but I was in a meeting at work (It is 8.5 hours ahead of my time).

We Skype'd yesterday and today. He looks so good and sad at the same time, but he again told me how lonely he was and that he was having a difficult time connecting with people there because they complain so much about everything.

This morning before he called, he sent me 2 emails, one where he told me he was stopping his forwarded mail (which was to either his best friend or the OW's address) and that it be coming to our home from now on. He than asked if I can let him know what important mail came and if it required action by him.

The second was to tell me when he would Skpye me. I asked if he needed anything and he asked if I could send snacks and some much needed toiletry items. I already planned to send things and have 2 boxes to send to him.

How do you all think things are progressing?

I know this is an old thread... I wondered how things went? A lot of it (including walking out on Christmas eve) parallels my situation right now.

HopeforChange
If you have not got one I think you should also start a thread in surving an affair forum..... lots of experience there and good advice even for military marriages.

you could also maintain one here as well for specific mil issues or advice

sorry you are here at all though

take care