Great post Melody. Yes, they gave up everything for just a foundation of sand which will crumble in due time. Guaranteed.
blessing

You, of course, are right Melody. He continues to deny and sneak around to this day. He's just waiting for the divorce and then he will be more open with his infidelity.

I've also been told by several people (some her friends) that she is a drunkard. She parties and gets wasted on a regular basis. I had a friend tell me that she went into a bar last week and the bartender told her that the OW came in there often drinkin it up. What a great future!!

My children will not be exposed to these types of things; I will make sure of it.

If she frequents a certain bar, it would be very easy to catch them together there.

People tend to go to the same places and hang out. It is something that is odd about the human being.

Businesses count on this. In fact, there is a little thing in business psychology that goes along these lines: If you can get a person inside your business once, the likelihood of their returning skyrockets. It is in getting them in the door for that very first visit that makes for your business task; treat them well and make the most of that first time! - because return trips are your BANKROLL. One visit begets the habit of return trips.

Humans are funny little creatures. We have a strong tendency to go back to the "old" place before we try a new one, even if the "old" place has only been tried ONCE.

Odd little fact.


So. If you know where she drinks, and you absolutely need this proof before a court date, get your PI involved again. Let him know where that favorite bar is, and put him to work. Friday and Saturday nights, especially happy hours, are huge for teachers who drink.

SB

Also, if you want to catch them together, another pattern for teachers who drink?

Look for her clique from school. Figure out where THEY hang out. You can catch her drunk with them, no problem. These little groups are quite common in schools


and I hate that this is true.

After being associated at university, high school, middle school, and elementary school levels since 1991, I have seen it for a long time, in many schools. It hasn't changed.

They are somewhat more discreet now, but you can easily locate them. Her clique would be the teachers who badmouthed YOU.


SB

In the past, I had driven by there, but nothing. It's no big deal now as I'm in plan B and my interest in their A is becoming less and less. I have plenty of evidence...some I shared with WH and some I did not:) I have new connections with people who know her, but I'm keeping it close to my heart until the time is right.

I'm amazed at how I feel and how RIGHT everyone on this board is. I guess I didn't realize how manipulated I was. All these years of friends and even strangers telling me how wrong it was for him to create his little world at the lake!!!! And I? I believed him when he said he needed this place for JUST him. Boy was I gullible!!! Don't get me wrong...I didn't like it and I complained when he went. But our seperate lifestyles were totally wrong. I allowed so much that should have never been in a healthy marriage.

I was talking to a husband/wife that knew us a few years ago and her husband said, "All I ever saw is you kissing his butt." Really? I'm amazed at what other people perceived and never shared because of not wanting to hurt me.

On a more upbeat note!!! I had a great evening....kids all went skating....even DS7. I was able to go to dinner with a friend and do more shopping!!!

They skate from 7:30-11:30...it's a nice break for me and I know they are safe. I go up there to check on them and I went skating with them...it was a blast.

Had a great weekend with the kids. We are still working on our quiet times together even though we miss occasionally. These are really helping us come together as a family.

Discipline is better, but I still struggle. I'm becoming more consistent and DS7 knows that I'm going to take him to the room for his fit throwing.

I'm getting ready to go to my parents today!!! It's been about 3 weeks here at home just hanging out. I'm ready to be around some adults. My kids are excited about going as well.

Thanks for everyone's help here....each day is getting better and better.

You're sounding good!

I'm glad to hear your DS7 has figured out that there is a "place" to throw his fits. Funny, isn't it, that when they have that place, they just stop finding a need to have fits?

Somehow, when granted permission to have those fits, and YOU NO LONGER CARE, the kiddo just suddenly

is in control of when, where, and how long those little fits last?


What power those fits really had over us. And when we handed that "power" right back over


it turned out to be completely useless to the child.


I loved this approach to fits, and it has worked every time on every child we have used it with in my practice - if the parents (and/or teachers) have consistently utilized it, without emotion and without judging the child.


A nice little bit of armor in your arsenal.



It is kind of like Plan B, now, isn't it? You have essentially tolk your WH to go ahead, screw up his life. He has permission to go out there, you are not looking at him, you are not checking on him, you are not concerned with his affair. The affair is under his control, and he is having his "fit". If and when he meets your conditions, you will discuss with him his return to the family.

Until then, he has to go to his "affair place" and have his affair. He can't talk to you or see you until he is done with it.


Takes the power out of the affair.



There is a parallel there.



SB

Great advice as usualy SB...I wish there was an app for you on my Iphone....LOL

It's funny....one day my DS10 was jumping up and down about something he couldn't have....and DS7 said, "mama, why aren't you sending DS10 to the room for his fit." Oops!!! I guess I'm going to have to do this all over the place.

I often think of the man I married and I can't believe the choices that he has made. I was going through files and throwing out stuff....I found some sermons that he had written and even a poem. Was it all fake? A fake conversion? His ability to converse with the OW and develop a love for her is so against everything he has ever taught.

He told me that he tried to tell me all the things I did wrong, but when I would suggest counseling or fireproof classes....the answer was a big fat no....because all these counselors are on the woman's side. I can't believe after 20 years of marriage and four children....it's just not worth saving.

I love that ds7 is looking around himself and seeing behaviors in others.

This is a very important thing, hopeE. This actually signals an important step for him that you can now use to help guide him toward behaviors that

YOU want to see in HIM.

Now that he knows that fits are something nobody likes, and he is seeing how they look when his brother does them, use that information to your advantage. When you and ds7 are alone, bring up the subject of fits very casually.

Say something like, "Hey, you know when your brother was having that fit the other day, and you asked why he didn't have to go to bed? I thought about that. You were probably right. I need to have a fit place for him too, because fits are just something people should keep to themselves.

Oh, I wanted to ask you....how did your brother look when he was having that fit? What did you think about him - did he look grown up, did he look good doing it, did you feel comfortable with it, what did you think?"

Just listen to his response, and let him tell you his thoughts. Be a sounding board, because this moment is for him to process how he thinks about fits, how they look to others....and his brain will ultimately make a link as to how others view HIM when he is doing it. You do not need to make that link for him. He will do it on his own.

After he says what he thinks, you say, "Hmm. You're probably right." That's it. The rest will happen naturally.


From there, you can now move toward his new-found awareness of the behavior of others in a positive light. When you see another child acting nicely in public, casually comment on that. "Oh, I really like how that boy helped his mom with the cart by the car. He kept it from rolling into the car while she unloaded groceries." or "I see that boy over there asked his mom for something and she didn't have enough money and she said 'no'. He didn't cry, argue, or anything. He must be an understanding young man."

It also helps to give compliments to other children when you see them behaving well in public. If you see a kid doing the right thing in a store, say so - when your son can hear and see you do it. "I think it was so polite of you to help your mom with her groceries. I really think that is so nice of you!"

Your son needs to see and understand behaviors that are desirable, and that other people LIKE these behaviors, and that these behaviors bring ATTENTION to kids.

Also, start complimenting him at least twice a day on the things he does that are behaviors that you WANT him to do.

And....finally....when he has a day WITHOUT A FIT.....tell him that you have noticed, and that you are PROUD of his self-control, and that your heart is so glad!


SB

Unfortunately they can just erase you like that. I know it is unbelievable.
I think that once they taste that freedom of not having to be home and respond to a wife or family demands that for them is heaven.
My brother told me this this weekend while I was at his place. He said that every man dreams of total freedom from anything. He said he would not engage with another woman he would simply be on his own, wake up when he pleases eat what he wants etc...he said it is pure fantasy but sooner or later most man get the itch.
See, Hope, he does not live with OW so it is a mixture of the fantasy freedom and the sex-romance addiction. Very powerful.
blessing

Well, I'm at my parents visiting, but I took the boys out to the city to search out a skating rink. Anyhoo, we went to visit FIL and wife. These are the only grandparents left to visit on my WH's side of the family. We are not close with them, but I decided to stop and let them see the children; it has been 2 years.

Well, FIL asked if my WH gave us our Christmas money...ughhh, "that's a big no". We didn't get anything. He was not happy about this and wants me to ask him where that money is? He said he gave it to WH at his SIL's funeral for Husband. This was given to WH right at the tip of all this drama. FIL said he made it perfectly clear that we were to get our money.

Should I send a message to IM to ask about it or just forget it?

Yes, if I were you I would ask the IM.
It is unbelievable how childish your WH behaves!
blessing

Actually FIL should be the one who does the asking. Otherwise, I would leave it alone, unless we're talking about a substantial sum of money. Then I would take it to the attorney and ask him/her about possibly recovering it from WH.

I ditto what PM suggested.

I think in this case I would agree with the asking the attorney to get involved. It will cause less drama for you, IMHO, and let your WH know that it is a serious matter. Plus will still satisfy the request from your FIL and keep you in good graces there.

Thanks everyone,

The amount was $150 total. He was suppose to give me $50 and each child $25. The problem is that my kids are asking why they didn't get it??? I'm trying to be careful, so I have not responded to them yet except to say, "I don't know."

I'm amazed that he did this and I'm sure I'll get an excuse like,
"I have it; I just forgot about it with all the pain I was enduring, so I decided to just deposit it in my account and use it for OW. I think I'll send her another bunch of flowers as an apology of course for my BW's bad behavior."

Sorry for that, but I couldn't help myself.

Let your children ask WH what happened to the money that granddaddy gave him to give to them. Leave you completely out of the equation. If he asks them how they know about it, they can honestly say granddaddy told them. What he does from there is on him and all about his relationship with his kids.

I thought about that PM. I think I'll let them know that they can just ask their daddy. They want to, but I told them to wait.

He's suppose to get the children this weekend, so we'll see???