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Joined: May 2010
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After nearly 4 days of NC, Wh tells me he misses OW, he misses talking to her ... BARF ! Well WH packed his suitcase and left today. He is going to move in with OW and her MOTHER !! PLEASE ! He needs to see if she is really what he wants. SORRY, but there shouldn't need to be a choice. My kids and I should be his choice from the very beginning. I AM SICKENED !!

I was all for trying to R -- even after 2 Ddays and and "I miss OW". But no more. I need to contact an attorney. I dont know what the first thing to do is.

MIL/FIL are going to talk to their nephew who is an attorney and see what my first step is, but I dont' know what I should be doing. I am going to make a list of all of our assets as well as mortgages, etc.

Our kids are the ones who will suffer because of that jerk and his slut.

Once we divorce, I am planning to move back to my hometown which is 1.5 hours away. They can't MAKE me stay here can they?
WH was NEVER one to spend any time with the kids (or me), so if the every other weekend crap gets pulled, I'll blow a gasket. he spends every (and I mean EVERY) free minute fishing, hunting, quadriding or with the slut. So, every other weekend doesn't go very far with me. My kids hardly even know their dad.

I've gathered birth certs, ss cards, kids CD/bond certifs.

I don't know what else I should be doing.

Also, I know if I leave my house, they can claim abandonment. For how long do I have to stay here? What if I take my kids for a long weekend ... does that still count? or is it only if I pack my crap up and go?

I NEVER thought I'd be in this situation ... I can not believe my life has come to this ... I AM SICKENED !!!!


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Originally Posted by feelinghurt10
MIL/FIL are going to talk to their nephew who is an attorney and see what my first step is, but I dont' know what I should be doing.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know exactly what you mean by being absolutely sickened over what your WH has forced upon your family.

I hope you plan on getting your own atty. It's nice that MIL and FIL are helpful now, but WH is still their son and they will ultimatley feel pulled toward him. I learned the hard (painful) way how easy it was for my WH's family to act as if I never even existed. And these are/were really nice people that I had a nice relationship with.

Your WH's situation sounds so ridiculous (living with OW and her mother??? please! talk about a set-up for failure!) and is so recent that I would encourage you to not give up hope and to continue working a plan (are you in a good Plan B?). But yes, also protect yourself by getting a really GOOD lawyer.

God bless.

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FIL thinks we should make any arrangements between the two of us (me and WH)... so our money all goes to us -- not to an attorney. To me that sounds ridiculous. Don't you HAVE to have an attorney?

I am sure we can't work this all out just ourselves. I think he's flipped his lid.


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No, you absolutely need your own attorney. Your WH is NOT thinking clearly and he has already done things you would never have dreamed him capable of. It will only get worse with D, especially when reality sinks in as to what little he really has left...

FIL is thinking the best of his son. Yes, it will be expensive...but you need to put your and your children first and protect yourselves.

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Agree 100%. You absolutely need an attorney.

Even if you end up working out an arrangement out of court, the more prepared you are will make the negotiations much more likely to go in your favor. You need to be coming from a position of strength.

Your attorney will guide you through all the financial documentation you need to assemble.

But, you also need to do your own homework. It sounds like you have a slam-dunk case for custody, but you still need to be prepared. You need to have documentation or supporting evidence for anything that points to you being a good mother and primary care giver, and anything that points to the opposite for your husband.

Precedents for living arrangements and time with each parent set before the court ruling go a long way, so him moving out and ignoring the kids is a huge plus in your fight.

My state is a no-fault state, so adultery doesn't matter one iota in an of itself. It only matters if you can show it takes your husbands time and money away from the family.

Do some research and search the internet. There are plenty of sources that give you direction on what you need to assemble.

Joined: Mar 2008
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You need copies of your last few tax returns (helpful) All crdit and debt records; mort. bills and outstanding asset list, too.

NOW is the time for a DARK DARK plan B. Use your MIL/FIL as intermediarys, do not contact this guy.

Contact your Atty. Do not discuss arrangements while he is with OW. Let your atty. speak for you.

Do not block his visitation, does not mean that you can not move to where you get support, but you have to live in the county 180 days I think before you file.

Do you want to get divorced there or here? Decide. Get counsel and file paperwork as soon as you are able.


Me; W 46
Him; H 46

2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
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I said this because Attys work in certain counties, and you want a close person who knows the local judges. In fact, where I am they divorce attys only work in certain counties.


Me; W 46
Him; H 46

2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
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Well, I am back ... It's been a few weeks since I've been here and a lot has happened.
In June I had given WH and "informal" custody proposal that I made up for him to look at and see if it would be agreeable to him (this was per the attorney at my initial consultation). Three weeks later, he has not had time to THINK about it. Hasn't had time to think about anything!!

I asked him this past weekend if we were over ... his response ... shrugged his shoulders!! Now, my H is living with another woman ... that's not my ideal of a great marriage. Again, he hasn't had time to "think" about anything. Maybe because his head is so far up his own a$$ that he's oblivious to the world around him.

I filed for D on Monday.

I am playing nice, so I told him last night that I had filed. He showed very little emotion, said almost nothing. But the sense I got was he was thinking "Oh [censored], she called my bluff. This is real. Now I am stuck with the phychotic wh**e." I told him I figured this would make him happy. He asked if it was what I wanted ... "hell no this is not what I wanted. Total opposite of what I wanted. I wanted to live with my husband/father of my children and grow old together. I did NOT want my husband sleeping with a homewrecking-HO". He tried to blameshift a little saying that everyone hates him because I exposed ... um, what about the 15 months prior to my exposure that he could have ended the A but never did?? Not taking the blame, sorry!

So I am confused, overwhelmed ... terrified.

I want to relocate to my hometown (1.5 hours away), but with school only 5 weeks to start, I feel it's too rushed. I am wondering if I can stay here, in the marital home, until the end of school next year and get the heck out of this town then?

Joined: Oct 2009
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So sorry for you. I can relate, am also sickened by how my WHs dirty little affair destroyed our entire life. A year later and into a terrible divorce and custody battle, I have a few pearls of wisdom to share.

Try not to make major decisions right now other than the basics. In other words, relocating might need to wait a bit. I don't know if custody will be an issue or not with you but you should cover your bases just in case. I never thought my WH would battle custody, but he did. It was about the $$ and nothing else. The fact that I lived in the marital home and remained in the school district while he moved farther away and in with the OW got me full custody in a state that seems to favor 50/50. I kept my "major changes" to wearing somewhat sexier clothing and dying my hair red. Which I love!!!

I agree that a DARK plan B is necessary. Take the advice of other posters and use ILs to mediate and as go-betweens.

You wouldn't be normal if you weren't terrified. I had night terrors for months and suffered weight loss, hair loss and chest pains. I feel better now. You will too.

Amazingly enough, I opened myself up to new people the second WH left and a world of support rushed in. I have great friends who are like family to me. I wish that for you too, since you are away from your family. Hugs. Cheaters suck!!!

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Originally Posted by fellspointmom
Amazingly enough, I opened myself up to new people the second WH left and a world of support rushed in. I have great friends who are like family to me. I wish that for you too, since you are away from your family. Hugs. Cheaters suck!!!
Let me echo that sentiment! I went against my "natural" instinct to curl up into a ball and hide away from public view, and began to be more open with others. I accepted invitations from neighbors I once turned down. I started attending church, and joined a Bible study. I took cooking lessons.

And at each turn I found people who were not only willing to help, but actually gave me help without even asking.

The most important thing in all of this I found, is to stay out of my own head. I'm not a very good manager of my life.


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
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Originally Posted by feelinghurt10
He asked if it was what I wanted ... "hell no this is not what I wanted. Total opposite of what I wanted. I wanted to live with my husband/father of my children and grow old together. I did NOT want my husband sleeping with a homewrecking-HO". He tried to blameshift a little saying that everyone hates him because I exposed ... um, what about the 15 months prior to my exposure that he could have ended the A but never did?? Not taking the blame, sorry!

Love your response here!

I am trying with pretty good results to detach from my WW and not let anything she says or does bother me anymore. But, I had to write her an email the other day about some things she said that were just burning a hole in my gut.

First one, "This (divorce) is the right thing to do." WTF? Sleeping around and ripping your family apart is the "right" thing to do? No, I feel the divorce is absolutely necessary at this point, but I will never call it the "right thing to do."

The second one, "It was a mistake to get married in the first place." Once again, she's wrong on all accounts there. Getting married, sharing the best 15 years of my life with her, helping each other grow into mature, responsible adults, and starting the best family anyone could ever hope for will never be considered a "mistake" by me.

The "mistake" was finding a way to screw it all up.

Last edited by schtoop; 07/16/10 07:30 AM.
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Originally Posted by fellspointmom
I never thought my WH would battle custody, but he did. It was about the $$ and nothing else......
Take the advice of other posters and use ILs to mediate and as go-betweens.

Mine loves the $$ too -- which is why i doubt he'll get an attorney. I am hoping WH doesn't battle custody ... I can't imagine him (or OW) wanting the responsibility and it would ruin their fantasy world ... but then again, I couldn't imagine him having a 16 month affair and turning his back on us either. So who knows what this "stranger" will do?

As a side note ... I am the go-between for WH and MIL !! She refuses to speak to him since he walked out on us. She will call me and say "can you txt him about this (only something work related)" And I do. Or he will say "If you are seeing my parents tomorrow, can you drop this (work file) off for them?" It's crazy.

I think the ILs are almost as distraught as I am over this. They have been a wonderful support to me through this whole thing. If it wasn't for MIL, FIL, SIL, I would be in the looney bin by now!!

I have found people are so supportive. Just yesterday my neighbor sent me the kindest card in the mail. I thank MB for encouraging me to expose this ... I don't hesitate to tell anyone. I refuse to take the blame for the dissolution of my marriage.


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