Looking for supportive ideas on where to go from here with the desire to save my marriage.....
In short, my husband has been involved in an affair for about a year and a half with a coworker ten years younger then us with two young children and two divorces under her belt. We have been married 24 years with two grown children, one in college, one living at home but working and very independent from us. After the initial three months following discovery, hubby has declared over and over that he does not want a divorce and wants to spend his life with me and loves me. We are aware that he is caught up in an addiction, however that does not mean I will tolerate it or lower my standards of marriage to accept things as they are and not as they should be. We have battled thru some ruff times over the past year with repeated disclosure of ongoing or rekindled affair, but we always end up agreeing to stay together and fight for our marriage. Have been through counseling with pastor that did not help, are currently in counseling with a professional, and I have the gut feeling with some circumstantial evidence that this is not working either. I want my marriage to survive and I believe my husband does love me and wants to spend his life with me but is caught up in this addiction he can not break free from. Our house is for sale, but very little activity in the housing market. Should our house sell we plan to move away (out of state) and start over, but what do I do in the mean time if the affair has resurfaced as I suspect. I can not turn a cheek to this, but I do not have anywhere to go as long as we are burdened by our current mortgage. We had a strong marriage before the affair but ever since the affair I feel my life has been one big lie after another. Not sure what to do next, but I do know that I am not ready to give up on my marriage! Any supportive suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Have you exposed this affair?
Especially at your H's work?

I know how hard the housing market is right now. My new husband and I recently sold two homes and bought a new one together. The best advice I can give you on selling your home is to have it professionally staged. It only costs a few hundred dollars to have your home reviewed by a professional stager. Trust the stager and implement the advice she gives. After that, do not be afraid to lower the price of your home every few weeks. Do not believe that your home is worth what you paid or what you have left on your mortgage. Your home is only worth what the market says it is worth.
I sold my house in under a week by following everything the stager said to a 't'. My husband's home was in a more difficult area and it took him 5 months, with lowering the price every few weeks.
Right now your priority has to be to sell your home and move away from this woman. I believe you should move away now even if your house is unsold. The most important thing is this fresh start. A divorce will kill your savings and retirement a lot more than paying a double mortgage for six months will.
I wish you the best!

PC,

I am sorry you are in this situation. There is plenty of good advice on this site. Please take a look at Scotland's Thread for Newly Betrayed Spouses. It has some great links to information that can help you. Dr. Harley, the founder of this site, has very specific paramaters for ending an affair and beginning recovery. Exposing the affair to those who can influence its ending as well as establishing no contact between affair partners are fundamental.

My husband and I moved to a different state about 1200 miles away. My husband left his job, submitted an early retirement, losing about $250K in income and retirement. We sold our house at an $80k loss. I think this is a small amount compared to the cost of divorce.

Our current house is not as large or as attractive as our old house. Our marriage is slowly recovering. I don't regret a single lost penny and I only have a problem with the house when I am trying to shove a pan into a too small cupboard. I much prefer our marriage and the vision of passionate love that can be attained by following marriagebuilder's principles.


AM

The affair is exposed at work, among friends and family...Small office, bosses dont care as long as it doesnt interfer with work. The male employees like the drama and the two other females see her for what she is, but they have to work together. Friends and family are lead to believe we are working things out and I have tried to stop leaning on them for support as it has not really helped any and my parents can not take much more of the emotional rollercoaster. Currently, my new found gut feeling and circumstantial evidence has been kept to my self. The last known exposure occured in mid april and we have been back together since early may.

Re-expose the A at WH's work. Use the letter for corporate environments, I believe it was drafted by a corporate lawyer.

It may do nothing, but on the other hand it may help to put a stop to it.

Also does OW have a FB account? If so have you exposed to her friends?

You said 2 previous M for OW, have you located her family and exs and told them. I recently realized the power of the ex when kids are involved, since they have the ability to go back to court and re-discuss custody...... It may make her sweat.


Also, does the state you currently live in have anything like an alienation of affection law? If so, I would not hesitate to inform OW that you will take legal action against her if she does not stop having contact with your H (My state has 2 anti-adultery laws, and I made very sure POSOW knew I would not hesitate to sue her if she continued to contact my WH)

Just a few thoughts. Also do not tell you WH that you are doing any new exposure until you are done and when you expose, plan to tell everyone on the same day.

There can be no recovery if the affair partners work together. Every time they even see each other is 1) an affront to you and 2) a "fix" for their addiction to each other.

To recover the marriage, one of them (H or OW) must leave the job and there can be no contact (in person, on the phone, email, facebook, etc) FOREVER.

This is where you need to start.


My H's A was with a co-worker and he tried for three months to maintain contact. "Can't we be friends?", "I need to talk to her about work related issues", "I can't stop her from coming into my office to talk to me", etc, etc. In addition, H was very reluctant to write a no contact letter per the book, "Surviving an Affair". This should have been a HUGE red flag to me; I severely underestimated the importanct of this letter. He finally wrote the letter when he left the job. As a note, he ended up breaking contact months later and it was not until I made an appointment with a divorce attorney, told him that I never wanted to see him again, and laid out a list of non-negotiable conditions for his return, that he finally came around.

AM

Can you direct me to the corporate letter you discussed in your post?

Here is a post from Scotland on another thread. It has examples of both the letters I spoke of.

This is for the exposure to the workplace.

Quote:
A sample exposure letter, written by Brit's Brat, a MB member and corporate attorney:

To Whom It May Concern:

This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your Company's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.

WS and WS are involved in an extramarital affair that is taking place, primarily, in the workplace. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims this situation presents, it also involves the inappropriate use of company resources and assets. WS and WS are using company time and company resources to further their affair. If you check the call histories on their office and cell phones along with their workstation computers, you will find the two of them are spending an inordinate amount of what should be productive work time to further their sexual relationship.

If you have any questions, please call me at xxx-xxxx. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.

Regards,

BS


Schoolbus wrote this one.

Originally Posted By: schoolbus
You want to say something to your friends and family like:

"I have discovered that my H is having an affair with OW. I want for him to stop his affair because I love him and want our marriage to be restored. Our marriage CAN recover from this affair, and I am prepared to forgive him and work on the problems and issues we have, but we can't until he completely rids our lives of his affair partner. I thought our marriage was a good marriage until the affair began, but I now recognize that we need to do some work on it. Please do what you can to discourage this infidelity - please help me and our children to maintain an intact family. Please don't allow the OW into your home, and please encourage my husband to come home and work on our marriage. We can rebuild our marriage."


This is the letter that MelodyLane suggests sending to Facebook friends of the affair partner.
Originally Posted By: MelodyLane
Here is a good letter for you to use [modify as you see fit] to send out to OW's facebook friends:

Dear friend of Skankyhola,

It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of her friends should be aware that Skanky is having an affair with my husband, Joe. They have been having this affair since October according to the evidence. We have been married for XX years and have 3 children, aged 5,7, and 12. They are heartbroken about their fathers affair.

I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.

I am asking that you use your influence with Skanky to persuade her to leave my husband alone. You should also watch your own husbands around her because she is no friend to marriage.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify her parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.
Thank you, BW


These are also exposure targets.
Originally Posted By: MelodyLane
1. employer(if workplace affair or if employer is someone who can put pressure on, ie.Military)
2. AP's spouse(even an EX)
3. OP's facebook friends(write down their friends lit before you start exposing)
4. the OP's parents and family
5. your WS's family
6. any other close family and friends
7. your PASTOR(if you have one)
8. YOUR CHILDREN <----VERY IMPORTANT and to be done age appropriately
9. your parents and family(you need the support)

Employer should be exposed to via LETTER with a cc on it. The cc is important because no one is tempted to deep six the letter. Send the letter certified to Human Resources and cc the President, Vice president and Corporate Lawyer.

CALL the OP's parents, give them the facts and ask them to use their influence to persuade their son/daughter to leave your WS alone. Let them know if this comes to divorce that you will be suing on grounds of adultery and will have the OW called into court to give testimony under oath.

One by one, call the other family members and friends and pastor. Tell them about the affair and ask for their advice.

WATCH OUT: If someone says "ok, I will keep this a secret!!" Tell them nonono!!! Affairs thrive on secrecy so that is the worst thing they can do!

Email the OP's facebook friends using the template letter I gave you.

Then sit down your children and tell them about their parent's adultery and with whom. give them the OP's FULL NAME so they will know who the enemy is.

Thanks for all the support, but many people are already aware of what has been going on over the past year. No one is supporting it or giving him a chance to be with her(our friends and family)...the affair is strictly related to his work schedule... he comes home after work, spends every weekend and holiday at home...she gets him 40+ hours a week in the office an I presume a quickie during lunch every now and then because most of his lunch time is spent on the phone with me. I may be a whack job for hanging in there, but I have 24 years of love and a good marriage (prior to A) along with two sons invested in our relationship...what does that make her, hanging on for quickies...never mind, I know what she is.
I am thinking I made a major mistake by not relocating and I am thinking that may be my best option right now. I am going to do some research and investigating about relocating to Charlotte, NC where I have friends I can stay with.
Although I would love to send the exposure letters to her friends and family, but I would be doing it out of spite and I do not want to lower myself. Furthermore, if I sent that letter to his boss I am sure they both would lose their jobs and I would probably suffer the most financially and emotionally if that were to happen.
I wish I could just sit down and have a heart to heart conversation with him about this whole mess, but I know that all he will do is lie to protect the addiction, just like an alcoholic or drug addict would...I have to get tougher!

You complain about his addiction, but you don't stop it. It's like living with an alcoholic but refusing to throw out the bottles. You are not exposing to her friends and family out of spite, you are doing it to end their affair and save your marriage. You think you'll be hurting financially if your WH loses his job? I think you'll be hurting even more if you get divorced. Besides, aren't you trying to move anyway? If you want to end his affair, you have got to get tough. He needs to quit his job. You need to expose to everyone in a position to put pressure on the affair. Do it, or lose your marriage. It's your choice. Are you tough enough to fight this?

I am sorry but I do not see reporting a crime as a spiteful act. And this A is a crime against YOUR Marriage.

Might you WH and his OW get fired if you send the letter to their boss? Yes. But that is a consequence of their actions, not of yours. Your WH's job would not even be a worry if he had stayed faithful to you rather than running around with OW.

You said No one is supporting the affair. By refusing to expose you are essentially giving your blessing to this A by enabling them to continue. You are protecting your WH and his secrets while he is cheating on you.

It is not lowering yourself to stand up and say that someone has wronged you. It is lowering yourself to lay down and allow them to continue unimpeded.

Exposure is not about revenge or spite. It is about shining a bright spotlight on the affair so there is no more room to hide the secret.

The central location of this A is at the workplace, and IF you want it to end, you are going to have to get in there and deal with it. They will not stop until they have a reason to stop and right now there is no reason.

I am sorry if this sounds harsh, but this is the reality of an A.

You all make it sound so cut and dry....why am I such a WHIMP??? I have always been one to stand up for myself, my family and my beliefs, why am I having so much difficulty standing up to him?
That does it! I am going to work on letters for her family and friends, the bosses and plan B. As soon as evidence is revealed to confirm what I already believe to be happening...again, they all get sent! (Sounds simple enough, I will pray that God will give me the strength to follow it through.)