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ITA with this message. You should definitely send Kay's message. It makes her feel bad because she knows that what she did was wrong. You being the new you and showing her makes her feel guilty. She is trying to engage you and doing it the way Kay suggests would be right on point for a Plan A. Keep it up. You are hitting the mark with your Plan A. Although, that isn't the reason you are doing it right? ;D
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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KC, I was thinking along the same lines, but I think she needs to get professional help to deal with her self-esteem and probably depression issues before I could think about making it work. And I can't do that, she has to decide to do it. With counseling, I think that she could heal and we could recover. But is it too early to send something like your letter? She has only been gone 2 weeks.
ME: 48 WAW:47 Years Married: 21 Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16 D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010 Move out day: July 1st 2010
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But is it too early to send something like your letter? She has only been gone 2 weeks. No it is NOT too early to send that email to her, they are right, the only reason why she is feeling that way is because she knows what she did was wrong. Send the email
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Awokenhubby, I would send the letter. You can cross the bridge of your terms once she decides to come back. If you tell her she needs professional help, it probably won't be taken too kindly. At this point I would deal with that later. Right now you're working on you. IMHO it's easier to save a marriage if you're in the same house, that would be my primary goal. Keep it short, don't add anything that could be construed in a bad way.
Enacting life's lessons into positive change... .
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You are in Plan A and this would be a PERFECT Plan A moment. You need to tell her that you want your marriage to be recovered. THIS message would tell her that.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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Okay, It's unanimous. I'll send the letter. I got home from the park, having a picnic with friends and walking the dog and she was here in the house with the boys. She says she came to get her bike, but I wonder. She also told me she was lied to and her apartment building allows smoking and cats, both of which bother her. This could work in my favor. I just cleared out my study, and with a little more work, I could put a bed in there and make that a room for her to sleep in. Maybe I'll put that in the letter.
ME: 48 WAW:47 Years Married: 21 Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16 D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010 Move out day: July 1st 2010
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Scotty, I am doing this for me. I really like where I am and where I'm headed. Getting her back would be a bonus, albeit a HUGE bonus. I love all the compliments and head turnings and the comments from my friends and even some strangers! I just need to make sure I keep it up. I even went through my drawers and got rid of my fat clothes; god I'm sounding like a woman!LOL
ME: 48 WAW:47 Years Married: 21 Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16 D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010 Move out day: July 1st 2010
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It's sent with a little modification. I kept all of KC's and added 2 sentences. Now I am nervous about her response. I know, no expectations! But I can have hope even if this is real early in the process.
ME: 48 WAW:47 Years Married: 21 Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16 D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010 Move out day: July 1st 2010
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Good job!! Hope it all works out for you! Keep the faith and keep working on yourself! You are doing a fantastic job!!!
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Married people sleep in the same bed. I wouldn't put anything about the other room in the letter. You don't make it easier for her to live separately from you, even in the same house. Are you content with being roommates? Are you going to have "dates" come over? I am sure the answer to that is NOPE. Like you said, you need to work on yourself and she needs to work on herself when/if she feels like she does. You can't "educate" her. That would be an LB. What you have to do is just do YOUR PLAN and not worry about what she is doing. You'll get there. Let the people on here guide you to where you want to be.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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It's sent with a little modification. I kept all of KC's and added 2 sentences. Now I am nervous about her response. I know, no expectations! But I can have hope even if this is real early in the process. I still have HOPE. I will have HOPE for a long time. THing is what I expect is for me to be GREAT. Getting to a place where I will NOT accept crumbs. DON'T accept crumbs. If you do, you will HATE yourself and your wife and your marriage will SURELY die. I did Plan A(have you read my story BTW? My Plan A was in the first 43 pages or so). I know how hard it is. I know how much it kills but I have also been witness to A LOT of posters who come on here and don't do the work. They just coast and then say MB didn't work. MB is just like a diet program. YOU need to do it. It doesn't work by itself. I often think about the saying, "If you give a man a fish, he will eat for a day. If you teach a man to fish, he will eat for a lifetime." DrH is teaching you how to "fish." It's up to YOU to learn.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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Scotty, I have read a lot of your story, but not all. That is why I am so impressed with you. You have persevered and are becoming great. I will not go back to who I was, and I will not take her back to go back to what we were. It will be right for both and by both of us or I don't want it. I don't ever want to be driven to that point of depression again. It sucked to go through life like that. I am where I am because of reading and following Dr. H. If she comes back, I will urge her to re-read and follow his steps. If we both follow them, we can have a great relationship. But I am not getting up hope. I am going to continue working on me and the house and be ready if she decides to come home to work on our marriage. If not then I hope I can be changed as much as you and be ready for what ever the future may hold.
ME: 48 WAW:47 Years Married: 21 Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16 D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010 Move out day: July 1st 2010
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You are still in Plan A, so just keep that up as much as possible. Remember, Plan B is ahead(15% of affairs end with Plan A alone, so the stats are higher that you will need Plan B), and you want to be able to say that you did the best Plan A you could. Even I have low moments where I wonder if I couldn't have done a better Plan A. Then I re-read my own thread and see that I did the best I could.
We as BSs tend to re-write in a posistive way. We start to look back at our marriage and see through some "good" marriage glasses. It's because we want a marriage and out instincts are to hold on to what we had. A WS wants to cake-eat(or wants OUT) so their history re-write is to support their POV. Who is right? Neither of us. We are both picking the "evidence" for OUR side. Be impartial and just learn how to make yourself better and the rest will follow.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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Well I checked my e-mail and had a ranting e-mail from the wife. Someone told her that I said she told me she was leaving me on our anniversary and moved a month later. I have told anyone who knows that she told me 2 days after our anniversary and moved out July 1st. I told her that. I also told her I am taking the blame for how I treated her and told anyone who knows about us about my depression and what it did to us. She actually did talk about the chance of reconciliation and said if I keep up trashing her that is going to be more unlikely, that she is becoming teflon and a cold-hearted [censored]. I replied I want to cause her no more harm and want only to work on improving myself to be the best person I can be. Well so much for one step forward.
ME: 48 WAW:47 Years Married: 21 Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16 D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010 Move out day: July 1st 2010
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Oh but A-wok, this IS a step forward. Have you not read that WS get ANGRY over exposure. The angrier they are, the better it is for YOU and your marriage. Affairs THRIVE in secrecy.
THIS is why there has to be no expectations. That way, you just stick to your plan no matter what your WW does or doesn't do.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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Thanks for the support Scotty. I know the steps, it's just hard sometimes to see the progress. I think just a simple good morning text with no more happy parts today. I'll see how she takes it.
ME: 48 WAW:47 Years Married: 21 Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16 D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010 Move out day: July 1st 2010
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I think of Plan A as setting the stage and Plan B where things come to a head. A lot do not respond to the Plan A because they aren't around to see it or they don't believe in it's genuineness or they have already made up their minds what they want and nothing is swaying them. Plan B is where they go into withdrawal over you, you aren't there to meet there needs, come to their rescue, they miss all the things about their life with you that they didn't even realize before were important.
Enacting life's lessons into positive change... .
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KC, As evidenced by the e-mail she sent, she sees my changes and she misses all those things. The question is whether she is ready to come back and try. She has come over to the house the last 2 days under the guise of seeing the boys. Today she took my son out to lunch and stayed here while I wasn't home and gave my younger one a haircut. Last night she came by to see the boys and get some stuff off the computer. I think she is coming around to see if the changes are sticking. I am getting anxious to see how our joint counseling goes next Tues. That will tell a lot about where we are.
ME: 48 WAW:47 Years Married: 21 Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16 D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010 Move out day: July 1st 2010
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My younger son just came back from helping her hang curtains. She told him she is going to make and freeze one meal a week and bring it over to give me a break from cooking. Is this her cake eating, or trying to be nice and start to reconnect. Should I accept, accept only if she eats with us, or decline the offer? Should I offer to let her do laundry here, she complained about having to use the machines in the apartment building. Is this enabling her cake eating, or a good Plan A, allowing her to see how the house and I are progressing and the changes being permanent?
ME: 48 WAW:47 Years Married: 21 Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16 D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010 Move out day: July 1st 2010
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Plan A is very difficult when the WS left the home, but plan A you are suppose to see them as much as you can, why don't you invite her over to dinner.
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