I agree completely. My brain is starting to work again. "To be treated like a different person, I need to be a different person". I need to frame that.

These are the choices that I have to make and the directions that I want to go:

What do I need to do to get over my ex and live a happy life?
I must be able to support myself. I must be able to protect myself. I must not live selfishly and inflict pain on other. I must have some things to look forward to and some people to share life with. I must take better care of my health.

How do I support myself financially?
Must get a better job immediately or move to a more affordable place and get a new job.
I have already trimmed every non-essential from spending. I am not spending a single penny except for food, gas, and bills.

Do I stay here and struggle to meet my bills or do I go somewhere new that has better opportunities and is more affordable?
I want to go somewhere that has better job opportunities and a warmer climate. I want more affordable housing because I want to own a home. The housing market where I currently live is completely out of my price range. The cheapest houses start at $600k. It is unbelievably expensive here. Because I want to own a home, I can't leave if I can't break my lease because it will affect my credit. If I can't break the lease, I will work two jobs until April when my lease is over to support myself. It can be done.

If I can negotiate out of my lease, I will move to a city in Arkansas that made the CNN Money Top 10 Places to Live for 2010. It is within 3 hours of my rental property and friends. It is also far enough away that I won't run into any bad memories. Job growth for the town is over 26% for the year. Housing is extremely affordable. It is also in the Ozark mountains so I will have plenty of opportunities for outdoor activities. There are many beautiful lakes full of fish waiting to be caught. I have friends that have friends in the town in the business that I work. I personally know at least one General Manager that I can call for employment. I have a good network for employment there. I also have an open invitation with my closest friend until I find work. She used to live in the town that I want to live. She has offered to show me around and help me find a job and a place to live. She has family there also. Thank God for my friends and family. There are divorce support groups that starts in late August that are only $12 at several local churches.

How do I protect myself?
I need to avoid things and people that are harmful to me. I must make better choices. I must think more and lead my heart instead of following my heart. I need to focus more on living a good life. I need to find a church. I need to look into divorce support or counselling. I can't afford it right now. But I need to put it on the list of things to do once my finances are more stable. I have a church that I like here. I just need to start going again.


Do I keep having contact with my ex?
I want to. I want to hold out for a miracle. I want to restore my marriage. I want to be able to forgive him and forget everything.
But the cold hard facts are that I know my ex. He is charming, loving, and sweet. He does love me as much as he is capable. He is also a liar, selfish, and will never love me the way that I want and need to be loved. He will still want to go to bars and have his freedom. He won't protect his boundaries. It would drive me crazy. I have had enough of crazy. I want stability and love - not one or the other. So if I choose to maintain contact, I am choosing "crazy". The only sane choice would be to end all contact with my ex.

When do I end contact with my ex?
There are some tax issues to resolve but they can be handled by mail or email (his least favorite methods). They should be resolved by October. The taxes were complicated by his move overseas while still married. I can wait until the taxes are handled to end contact or I can do it immediately. I am choosing to have necessary contact with him until the taxes are done. I am choosing to only communicate with him regarding that subject. I will not initiate or participate in any other contact whatsoever. I will not respond to texts or calls anymore. He is still in town until the 7/29. I may need support to resist seeing him again.

Do I date?
No. Not until I get over my ex. Not until I don't want to talk to my ex. Not until I have run out of excuses to make contact with my ex. When I get lonely, my time would be more productively spent in service or volunteer work. I am blessed with true friends - smart women that have my back. I know I will be lonely. I need to not be selfish when seeking out companionship. I can spend time with friends and other projects. I have an afghan to finish and books to read. I don't need a man to mask the pain. I need to work through it so it is gone - not hidden.

How do I take care of my health on no budget?
I need to be aware of how much and what I am eating. I need to make smart choices. I need to get out everyday and walk the hills or at the beach. It is beautiful here. There is no excuse to not get outside. I need to put myself back on a schedule and just do it! I think it is time for a walk.

Well I was going to come and see if I could give you some advice, but you did it yourself already

You are one of the strongest women I know, you can do this!

Thanks Lil

I just had a lovely walk.

SS,

You do recall Plan B being about holding out hope but having no contact because of the pain it causes you whenever you see your xH, right?

If you intend to wait to see if he ever extracts his head from his butt then that is absolutely Marriage Builders and can be supported absolutely even though others around you might not show the same support. But why do you keep talking to him and why on Earth would you agree to see him unless he said something that gave you reason to believe that he was now a different person and ready to engage in a real relationship with you?

So now you are reeling from having just had your hopes dashed again and now your reesolve returns and you are moving on again...

But at the same time you speak of holding out hope for a miracle...

Then let's talk about that miracle and what that would look like because easing back into an abusive situation isn't going to bring that about. And when you are thinking instead of feeling, you realize that is true. Wait a while to see if your xH ever gets it together. But he has to KNOW what you want from him in order to go on together. He got a Plan B letter, didn't he? If not NOW is the opportune time to send such a letter.

And then stop having contact with him but don't start looking for a replacement until you have given real Plan B separation, with none of his ENs being met by you a real chance.

Stop settling for crumbs...

If you are DONE, then be DONE with him.

If you believe there could be a miracle, wait for one.

On a side note: The Ozarks is one of my absolute favorite places on Earth. We will probably move there if we ever get out of debt here. It isn't a place to have lots of debt.

Mark

I think that my willingness to see him was intensified by trapping myself with the wrong person. I think that maybe if I had not cheated my recovery by jumping into a relationship that I knew was not good enough for marriage, I may have been stronger when my exh called.

I did give him a plan B letter months before he filed for divorce. He agreed to everything in the letter and begged me not to kick him out. So, I never went any farther. The divorce happened so quickly that there were loose ends to deal with: 401ks, rental property paperwork, mortgage stuff - so many excuses to have sporadic contact. He also hates "Marriage Builders". He felt that I spent more time listening to "those people" than him. I think he would be turned off by a "Marriage Builders" plan B letter #2. I think that he would just think that I am playing games with him or trying to manipulate him -which is not my intention. It would also be diluted by the fact that I have asked for N/C repeatedly in the past few months and I didn't enforce it. It is time to change my behavior. He has heard and read the words. I need to be strong when tested for a change. He will know that I am finally serious if I stop answering and responding. A new phone number is in order - and it is free.

I think, for my sake, based on what wasn't said when I saw him, I should be done with him. I don't want to give him a list of hoops to jump through. He would have to come up with a recovery plan if I ever considered it again. He would have to show me what he would be willing to do to protect me. I want someone that I can love, trust, that wants to protect me, and values me.

We haven't gone more than 3 weeks ever without some form of contact. I think 6 months would do me a world of good. That is my current goal.

My pastor made a great comment at church yesterday that your post reminded me of"

"A change of thinking changes nothing, unless there it results in a change of behaviour"

Things are happening so fast it is hard to take it all in. It looks like I am going to be able to get out of my lease. I will know for certain tomorrow. If this really happens, I will have 10 days to pack up a house by myself and move it halfway across the country.

So, now I have more choices to make:

Professional movers or drive the truck myself towing my car?
I have requested quotes from movers. It will depend on cost and availability. I can pack up the house. I will need help moving the big furniture. I can't move big furniture by myself. I can drive a truck and I have towing experience. I could do it myself. I packed it up in 2 days last time by myself from my daughter's house to here so I know it can be easily done in 10 days. Ex-bf has offered to help me load the truck because he wants to see me one last time. Not sure if that would be good for him. It would be easier for me. But I need to make the right choice - not the easy choice. I could pay someone at each end to help me load a truck.

Start job hunting now or wait until I get there?
I would prefer to wait. I have a lot to handle. That would be the easy choice. It is currently the end of the month. In the auto industry, that is the best time to job hunt because they always want to have their best employees in place for a full month. Plus, I would start drawing a paycheck sooner if I am successful in my job search. So, I will work on my resume tomorrow in case they want a copy emailed and I will get my mind in job-hunting mode. I will need to give notice at work also.

I want to see my West coast family before I leave. Can I squeeze visits in?
My mom is 6 hours away by car. That can be done. My daughter is 16 hours away by car. Depending on how much it costs to move, I might be able to fly. Not sure about that one. I really want to hold my granddaughter again. I will have to see how it goes timewise and financially.

Am I making the right choices?
This is really scary! I have done the research and crunched the budget. This is the best decision based on research - not a knee-jerk reaction based on emotion. It's still really scary. I hope this is a good move. I do enjoy a road trip. I have moved cross country many times with my ex-husband. I have towed a motorhome and trailers many times. I have driven a moving truck one time. I remember a lot of wind buffeting. This will be my first road trip solo. I am terrified and excited. I will drive only in the daytime - 8 hours per day max. I will only go forward - no going back in a 26' truck and car dolly.

Awesome still!!!!!!

You have accomplished so much today!!!! I went to a Doctors appointment and got pre approved for a car loan!!

You go for it!!!!!! You inspire me!!!!

Have to go see the car dealer as I am wanting a 99 Ford Mustang Convertible!!! Know what they are asking and know what I will pay, not a need but a want!!!!!

Laer,
Dawn

Still standing,
At least you have figured things out and are learning through it all. Sometimes it seems like (our relationships) are like an addiction and when you trade XH for new BF, it's almost just like that...a trade, one set of problems for another. How good it is to figure out that we need to rely on ourselves, enjoy our own company, and be there for ourselves! Then and only then are we ready when that right relationship comes along.
You and Mark's dialog is showing the lightbulb is on!

Hi SS2

An awful lot has happened here and i am so pleased to see that once again you have come through still standing and planning.I love the way you throw yourself at things.

I had my reservations about your BF, only, of course, because I could pick up so much on your own reservations.

Well I am out of my lease.

I have to be cleared out by 7/26.

I decided to pack myself (I have lots of experience packing) and rent two 16'containers. They will be delivered tomorrow. They will be picked up on 7/26 and will be transported to my new location and stored until I have an address. Then they will deliver my containers to my new address. I am glad I don't have to drive a massive moving truck. I have also made a call for local labor to help with the heavy stuff - that is not confirmed yet. I also have a call in to former BILs to see if they might help. I have started packing and organizing. I will be on the road next Monday.

My best friend, who lives near where I am going is excited that I am "coming home". She has also been throwing out the job net for me. She knows everybody in my industry (I met her at work). She is wonderful!

I agree. I hate the pull that my ex has on me. I did trade one set of problems for another. I made poor choices and hurt other people.

Thank you ST
Time to get back to packing. Did I mention that packing sucks?

SS,

When we are broken and begin a relationship in order to become whole, the relationship depends on the brokenness in order to exist. If a person completes us in some way to fill in the parts that are missing or to make us feel whole again, it is only as long as we each remain as we are (broken) that we can remain in the relationship.

It is the joining of two whole people, each perhaps with problems or something that is missing from their lives and yet each able to know who and what they are without another person to fill in the missing parts, able to stand alone and in their own life, that is one of the greatest miracles of God. You see, it is God that can provide what we need and not just what is missing or what we think we want right now. He knows far more about what we really need in order to become the person He desires us to be than we could ever understand.

His plans for us are that we should become like Him and that we would become reliant on His provision and not have to seek another person to fill the hole inside of us. By allowing Him to fill us with Himself we are made whole and able to stand in times of hardship. Then and only then are we truly able to join with another person in a way that fulfills the intent God had for us from the very beginning.

If we join to someone based on our brokenness, then we can't possibly grow or heal or become whole because the joining requires that the brokenness and missing parts remain as they are. Only by healing and becoming whole and healthy ourselves can we have a healthy relationship with another person.

Mark

Jeepers! When you make a decision, you sure move fast! I feel like such a procrastinator LOL.

You know, SS, I applaud your moving forward with resolve, but based on a couple of recent decisions that you made, I have to ask you if you have really thought this through, not just looked at the emotional side, the way you FEEL, but the long term consequences of what you have decided to do. If so, then great.

But considering the recent past, are you absolutely certain that what you are doing is the right choice long term and not just a reaction to the current situation? That is how we end up making bad choices. We react to circumstances instead of processing the data we have and choosing based on the best options for our lives.

Mark

Thank you Mark. I want to make sure that I am making better choices. I want to live somewhere that I can afford to support myself, save some money for a house, and live happily ever after - even if its just me. I have never lived where I wanted to live. I have always lived within my comfort zone. I have moved to follow a husband or children. This is my chance to live anywhere that I want to live for me. I researched housing, jobs, weather, leisure opportunities, air quality, population demographics, churches, education opportunities, and divorce recovery support groups. It is a bonus that the city is 3 hours away from my rental property and my dearest friend. I do feel that this is the best decision that I can make given my options.

The only close family that I have in California now is my mom and grandmother. My mother has wanted to move for years. Before I discovered my husband's affair, we were talking about my mom and grama moving to Arkansas with us. If I find a great place, my mom would happily join me. She is excited for me. She could sell her condo and retire comfortably if she moved to Arkansaas. She is already planning to visit for Thanksgiving to check out the area.

My container has arrived. I have to get packing.

I have always heard that we have to be happy being alone to be happy with someone else. I never understood why - until I read your post. Thank you for explaining it in a way that I "could finally get it". I think that God is using you to do good here Mark. Thank you.

I don't need a gym this week. I have a new appreciation for every man that has ever loaded a box for me when I moved. I am humping these boxes by myself today and not really enjoying it.

SS,

FWIW, the Arkansas or southern Mizzou Ozarks is where I want to live. When I am there, it feels like home, more so than where I have lived my entire life.

Houses that sell for 250K and up around here are going for around 100K there. And we're talking new construction here. You can still pick your floors and cabinets.

On the other hand, it is an area that is very difficult to have a 30 year mortgage and any additional debt. In many small communities, the number one employer is Walmart. The county where I want to live in southern Missouri has as it's top employer a truck stop along US 63 and number two is the smallest Walmart I have ever seen. People in the area typically have to drive 75 to 100 miles each way to be gainfully employed.

OTOH, taxes on a 4 bedroom house on 40 acres is about 400 bucks per year so for retirement, if you can pay for a house outright, living is really cheap. There are jobs, but many of them are seasonal. Additionally, the places with the most jobs are the places I would least like to live. I don't want to be near Branson or Mountain Home. I want to be in Viola or Dawt or Dora or someplace along those lines.

We had a plan to retire that meant that we would soon have enough equity in our house and vacation property to pay off our debt and pay cash for a house. Retirement income could come from a 401K and the retirement plan at work until we both qualify for SS.

So now the 401K is more like a 201K and the retirement program at work is about 50K below what it once was and is being dissolved. Our house is down about 35K and our vacation property is down about 15K.

Health insurance just went up 35%, I haven't had a bonus in two years (it was once over 5k per year) and overtime is all but gone.

I now figure that I will be able to retire when I am 103 or three years after I die...

Whichever comes first...

Mark