I made my first post in 2006 when my ws came home and confessed his affair to me. Since this time, we have not divorced, I remain in our home, and he pays half of the morgtage plus child support...neither of us have ever consulted a lawyer.
It has been a long hard recovery since then. I thought of suicide and couldnt do it because of our children. I allowed my ws to come home twice only for him to leave and go live with the other woman. I allowed him to come home a third time only to realize I was the only one putting in the effort to save our marriage and I asked him to leave. After this last time I have slowly rebuilt my life. I have been dateing a guy that I have known for 25 years, and although it is not really serious we do have fun together....basically I have learned to survive when at one time I thought I wouldnt. Now my husband has started to pay me more attention, and wants to try to work things out. He continues to live with the other woman but intends to end it he says. I love my husband I have always loved him but I have told him that I am not in love with him anymore. I want to be, I know I could be....but I am not sure I want to risk this again....I dont want to go through any more pain....I have learned to be happy again...although I have never fully recovered and felt as happy as I did while we were together for 18 years. How can I be sure he is serious this time....what is the hold up on him moving out? We are going to have lunch Thuresday and the only real question I have is why do you want to come home now? I would love to have my marriage back, it's all I have really wanted but I hear no terms of endearment from him....I dont know something sounds .....not right. I realize this letter is not very well put together....I am not asking how do I get this man back..but I do want him back....I just cant make it that easy. I am not sure what his motive is in coming back he has been living with her now for a year....he says he is not in love with her but I do not hear him saying he is in love with me.

He has to take a risk and leave OW without any conditions. He needs to demonstrate that he can clean up his life just because it's the right thing to do, not to manipulate you into another chance. If he isn't up to that, there's no need for a Thursday meeting.

Give your husband a Plan B letter. This will clearly show him what he needs to do. You've been allowing him to cake eat for the last 4 yrs. And it hasn't allowed you to move on. He hasn't had to make a choice! He knows you are waiting for him if/when he gets sick of the OW

Also, stop seeing the guy you're dating. Its not fair to him and its doing you no good.

YOU BOTH ARE CORRECT. IF I JUST LET HIM KEEP COMING BACK...CAKE EAT IT ONLY.CONTINUES TO MAKE A FOOL OUT OF ME. WHY DOES HE KEEP DOING THIS?? IT CANT JUST BE BECAUSE I LET HIM.....IS IT HE CAN SEE THAT OR THINKS I AM REALLY HAPPY NOW...AND THAT WORRIES HIM THAT MABE HE CANT COME HOMW WHEN HE CHOOSES...COULD IT BE THAT HE DOES STILL.LOVE.ME? COULD IT BE HE IS NOT AWARE OF HOW HE IS PLAYING OR MANIPULATING ME??? NONE OF THIS HAS.EVER MADE SENSE....

Who cares what he's thinking? You can't control him. Don't waste your life wondering. He is getting needs met by both of you SF with OM and conversation with you. Why would anyone want to give that up????

And remember Plan B is more about you than him. Its for your sanity. 4yrs of this cr*p must be unbearable. It may be that Plan B ends the A but thats not the main reason for it.

And seriously your need to stop seeing other people

Another thing...when waywards are unhappy which doesn't take long they tend to blame if on the BS. The sooner you remove yourself from him he will see that his unhappiness is not down to you at all

This sentence really struck me. How many times in the last 4 years (since D day #1) have you tried to make a decision in your M based on something your WH told you? How many times in the last 4 years has he LIED and FAILED to honor his word and his commitment to you and your marriage?

Your WH has a horrible track record and I cannot imagine the pain and heartbreak you have endured with this. Please go into this VERY cautiously and don't rush to make any decisions (and don't let him put pressure on you to make a decision).

Given all the false R, you are wise to be leery. His words have proven to be meaningless over the last 4 years, his actions are what you need to be looking at and you have acknowledged that something is 'not right' and lacking in this area.

So what do I say to him?

So you both are having affairs.

What does it matter what we'll say. You'll keep dating the old friend and having fun instead of implementing the plans here.

Both you and your husband appear to be just chasing fun, just filling in holes of great need instead of working the plan, loving one another, eliminating LBs, etc.

I don't know what you did before, but I'm pretty sure dating a guy you've known for 25 years is not part of the MB plan.

All that does is send the message to your husband that in your moral calculus, it's OK to date others when you are married.

I agree with EE - quit dating if you're still married.

Dating while married is... guess what?

Adultery.

You need to disconnect from your husband. You need a plan and you need to stick to it.

mishes, this is one of the worst cases of enabling I have ever seen on this board. Why have you never used Marriage Builders Plan A and Plan B in this situation? The plan you are following is Plan C, is the most likely to lead to divorce.

And as far as you dating, that is an AFFAIR just like your husbands. Having an affair is not the solution to a marriage problem. Nor is it fair to bring another person into this sordid drama.

I don't know if this is salvagable, but the best shot I can see is to go into a very dark Plan B and file for divorce to protect yourself legally. If he can be yanked off the fence, that will do it. And it will protect you from his abuse.

Welcome back, Mishes.

Right before you disappeared from here back in '08, you had just delivered a Plan B letter to WH.

Did you remain dark? If so, why is there now contact?

And Mishes, up to this point, you have not been willing to file for divorce; so you are not done with the marriage and should not be dating.

If you remember, I did the same thing. I THOUGHT I was done with the marriage. It became EASIER to BE DONE with the marriage when someone else was meeting my ENs after FWH left me. Once I allowed OM to meet my ENs, I was no longer making decisions about my marriage with a clear head.

You delivered a Plan B letter. Resend the letter and follow what YOU said you would do to a T. Do not meet up with him to discuss how he can get away with fence sitting. Go dark and stop dating. Clean up your side of things. Get your head straight and remain dark. If you can file a legal separation agreement, then do so.

YOU are part of the problem mishes. YOU are creating part of this drama and prolonging dealing with this mess by catering to a Wayward spouse. He's got both you and OW filling his needs. That sounds delectable, and he is going to do whatever he has to, including lying to you, in order to keep it that way.

People who want a thing do what it takes, even if its difficult, to get what they want. I know this sounds harsh, but your WH doesn't want you badly enough to give up OW. If he did, he would have already done it. Saying a thing does not make it so. This goes for you, too, mishes. I hear you saying you want your marriage, but you are dating and catering a wayward. What YOU are doing doesn't scream MARRIAGE is important to you...just sayin.

I would highly suggest making an appointment with Steve Harley...he will help you get your DH on board if it is possible.

Wow....so right about the other man...it is adultry. I am not making excuses but I sat home for two years so depressed ...I lost my job, almost my home, and to some degree my sanity...I have never been the same. This friend of mine...well this is going to sound horrible he I suppose has been a time filler....I really do care about him but would never consider marrying him.
As far as plan B goes I need to go back and brush up on that. I dont know what I am doing obviously. The only thing I know for sure is I dont want to hurt anymore.

You just need to give WH a plan B letter, stop dating your friend, concentrate on yourself and try and move on with your life. If WH gets it and agrees to all your conditions outlined in the Plan B letter then you can deal with that then. Just don't expect it.

REsend the Plan B letter. Pick up a copy of SAA and read it. Pick up a copy of Boundaries and read that. You've got to begin the hard work of repairing your side to the equation, or you will continue repeating the same mistakes.

Are you working now? Are your finances in order? Have you spoken to an attorney about what you can and should be doing regarding marital assets and property?

If you continue to talk to your WH as you have been, nothing will change. I believe it is time to start making real, lasting changes, changes that are healthy for you. Changes that can help you to be happy all on your own, and prepare you for whatever comes your way.